


Excerpts From My Mind

by Hekate1308



Series: Excerpts From My Mind [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Ficlets, M/M, angel!dean, crazy!Cas, deaged!Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2018-04-10 09:58:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 91
Words: 108,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4387415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hekate1308/pseuds/Hekate1308
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Small ficlets previously posted on tumblr. Destiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Now and then, I post ficlets on tumblr when the mood strikes and I thought I would put them up here as well.
> 
> Basically, I've fallen into a Destiel trap and I can't get out, but I can't say that I'll only post such stories here. It's a small storage for things my mind comes up with, I guess. Enjoy!

When the witch tells them there's nothing she can do, the spell is irreversible and Dean is a normal four-year-old who simply has to grow up and live his life again, Sam feels something in him break.

He lost his big brother for good.

They will try to find a cure, of course; but as he kills the witch, he feels that she spoke the truth, for fear of her life.

Dean is gone. He's not, technically; but everything that shaped him and made him Dean is gone, never to return, because he can't live the same life over again and Sam would never force him to.

If his brother has to start over, he'll start over happy.

He's not the only one who lost something important today, he realizes when he opens the door of their motel room and Cas sees his face.

Cas, who is colouring with Dean.

Cas, who's human once more, and human to stay.

Cas, who fell completely and forever just a few short months ago, and even though he never said as much, it was for Dean, only for Dean.

They finally got over themselves and now they have lost everything.

Dean was happy for the first time in years.

"Sam!" Dean rushes to him and demands to be picked up and Sam does, while Cas, his eyes shining, flees to the bathroom.

Sam lost his brother.

Cas lost everything he fell for.

Dean likes them; Dean is a happy child; the last few days, after the spell was cast and the witch fled, have proven that.

But a happy child is not the same as the man he was, the man Cas loves, the man he aches for.

Sam takes his place colouring with his brother, his child now, he supposes, and Cas doesn't leave the bathroom until late at night.

They don't talk about his bloodshot eyes.

It's surprisingly easy to adapt. Dean soon loves both of them, and he eagerly accepts their love and guardianship in return. He wants books be read to him and movies be watched with him and someone to play with, and it's easy to comply because his brother as a child is simply adorable.

Sam does research and helps other hunters and hopes he'll eventually become the rescource Bobby once was and that he'll manage to reestablish the men (and women, he won't forget Charlie's legacy) of Letters, he grieves, he manages.

Cas becomes more and more depressed every day. He tries to hide it, but Sam can see through his empty smile, as he plays with Dean and teaches him letters and numbers. He's Dean's favourite, they noticed that early on, apparently he'll always have a weakness for his angel, but it doesn't help someone who loves the man a child used to be.

The days Cas spends in bed grow more and more frequent.

Sam doesn't understand the whole dimension of Cas' loss until he hears him say to Dean in a quiet voice, "Five months ago to the day, you made me the happiest of men".

Sam's heart thinks while Dean, who Cas has taught the hours and months, puts the pieces together, then laughs and exclaims, "I didn't know you then, silly".

Dean turned into a child three months ago.

The Apocalypse, the angel and demon tablets, Lilith, Crowley, Rowena, Lucifer, the Mark of Cain, the Darkness, and after everything, after they beat the odds and made it out alive, two months of happiness was all Dean and Cas ever got, all they'll ever have.

A lifetime in front of him, and Cas only has the memory of two fleeting months to keep himself going.

A resolution grows in Sam; he fights with himself with a few days because in a way, he is selfish; he doesn't want to lose Cas too; but seeing him lose his appetite and trying to find traces of the Dean gone forever in the boy running around becomes too much.

Sam took the spell from the witch in the hopes that it would provide a clue. Now it provides salvation.

"The spell cannot be undone" he says one night after they've brought Dean to bed.

"I know" Cas says flatly, without emtion.

Sam clears his throat.

"But… it can be cast again".

Cas' eyes widen; he stares and stammers and tries to object, tries to fight against his own desires.

Sam already knows the outcome.

The next morning, two little boys are chasing each other around the bunker. Dean doesn't seem to miss big Cas as long as he has small Cas; the appear to be the same age, and his brother has already decided that Cas is his "bestest friend forever".

Sam smiles a smile that, while laced with unavoidable pain, is not unhappy.

It's the same smile he gives them when, twenty years later, fresh out of college, Dean and Cas step up to him holding hands and Dean announces, in a voice that brooks no argument, "We are in love, Dad".


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel Novak dies at the age of seventy-eight, holding the hand of his best friend, the friend he has loved for over sixty years without letting him know, the friend whose wedding he celebrated, the friend whose children he watched grow up, and his only regret is that he'll never see those green eyes again, the green eyes no age or sorrow could ever change.

Thankfully, he is wrong. He wakes up in a house, a nice, big house he used to dream about when he was sixteen, was falling in love with the nice boy who sat next to him in English and imagined a future with him in a place like this, their children running about.

He smiles now at the silly dreams of a young boy, who for years wouldn't understand that his best friend was heterosexual, his heart breaking over and over again when Dean went on dates.

By the time he met Lisa, Cas had grown resigned and content, and was happy for them.

He was part of their family, and he didn't wish for anything more.

And now, in his Heaven, he can visit his memories whenever he wishes to.

And the house is everything he ever wanted - except for one thing, but it was an impossible dream that's still circling in his mind, still giving him the Heaven he wished for when he was sixteen.

There's even Dean's favourite beer in the fridge, and a PS4 is ready under the tv. Dean never threw his out, despite new systems appearing; his grandchildren learned to play on it.

It's the perfect house for them, and Cas is happy with his memories and the dreams of his boyhood.

When he looks in a mirror, he realizes he's his thirty-year-old self. Just as well. Dean was single when they were thirty, and they spent every waking moment together.

Cas is happy. Cas is content.

There's a knock on his door and Ash strides in - Ash, who did in a freaky accident thirty years ago and was thoroughly missed whenever a computer in their vicinity failed.

Cas hugs him, surprised, and Ash explains about the string theory and how he can travel from one Heaven to another; he shows Cas how.

And Cas sees his parents again, and his grandparents, and the siblings who have gone before him, and he doesn't think he's ever been happier.

He'll even see Dean again, eventually. Ash promises to get him the moment he realizes Dean has arrived, and there's a knowledge behind his eyes that Cas doesn't dare to question.

No one knew. He clings to this.

There's just one thing he's concerned about, and that's the fact that soulmates share a Heaven. He doesn't mind that Dean and Lisa wil spend eternity together, he's happy for them, but he worries what will happen if he has a soulmate, if the door opens and someone he never met steps in, and he has to get to know someone he never found in his lifetime.

Maybe they'll except something from him, a love that will never be redirected.

But things turn out differently.

One day, Cas doesn't know how long it's been, Dean opens the door.

Cas runs into his wide-opened arms.

"Cas" Dean mumbles into his hair, "Should've known you'd be the first I see".

Cas grows cold in the arms he only ever knew warm, full of comfort.

"What do you mean?" he asks, pulling back. "Didn't Ash send you?"

"Ash? He's here too? Nah, man, I just arrived. Literally just closed my eyes a minute ago and here I am".

He doesn't understand the look of horror on Cas' face until Ash does in fact come a few minutes later and starts an explanation that Cas can't bear to hear; he runs, hides in the memory of a birthday party held for him when he was six and didn't know Dean yet.

Dean is his soulmate.

Dean should have been his. He should have been Dean's.

But Dean loves Lisa, and Cas will spend eternity watching him leave for her again and again.

Is this punishment for a love he knew to be hopeless? For indulging himself, soaking up every hug, every kind word, every mark of affection, pretending he had something he could never have?

"Cas" Dean says behind him.

Cas turns his head.

"How did you find me?"

"Ash explained how the how soulmate-finding-thing works".

He sits down next to him and they watch his six-year-old self laughing for a few moments.

"I never - I mean - "

"I know".

"Did you..:" Dean trails off and Cas can't lie, doesn't wish to.

The silence is answer enough.

"Why did you never tell me?"

"I would have lost you". Cas speaks the truth, the truth that kept him from calling, from shouting the words in Dean's face a million times.

"I'm sorry" Dean sounds regretful.

"But I can't - "

"Dean. Let's just do this. Let's just live together. We can manage, can't we?"

He knows he sounds desperate, knows the panic he feels at losing Dean forever is making him hysterical, but he can't stop it.

Dean squeezes his hand.

"Of course we can" he promises and repeats one of their favourite maxims. "We'll make it up as we go".

They do.

It's easy to live together; Dean laughs when he sees his old PS4 and keeps remembering small things from Cas' apartment, like the flower vase that stood on the windowsill for twenty years only because Dean found it at a garage sale and it has little bees on them.

They take trips with Ash and learn new things, cultures, languages, watch films they didn't know existed, read books they never heard of.

Cas is happy.

This is all he could ever have hoped for.

Eventually Ash tells them he found Lisa's Heaven, and Dean goes to visit.

"Ben's Dad is her soulmate" he says afterwards, and Cas says automatically, "You're his Dad".

He is. He's raised and loved and looked after his oldest son just like he did with his siblings.

Dean smiles. "I know. You know what I mean".

Cas nods.

"What now?" he asks timidly.

Dean hesitates.

"I love Lisa, and she loves me" he says decidedly. "But - we always knew - we wanted to spend our lives together. And we did. And I hate her garden - everything so orderly".

Their old argument. Cas says nothing.

Dean stays.

They visit Lisa often, and she visits them, and one day she's holding the hand of her soulmate, and she and Dean give each other the nostalgic, slightly sad smile of former lovers.

"I'm happy for her" Dean says later, tears in his eyes, regret in his voice, and Cas can tell that he means it.

He hugs him.

Dean and Cas spend almost all of their time together, until they don't.

He doesn't know what is happening when Dean suddenly starts stuttering around him, or goes away for long periods of time. He thinks he's regretting his decision after all, but instead one day Dean shows up on their doorstep with Jan Swammerdam, and they discuss bees for hours, and afterwards Dean begins, "I never - not once - but" and Cas doesn't comprehend his meaning until he kisses him, and it's warm and comforting and passionate and everything Cas ever dreamed of, and when Dean steps back, there's desire on his face but also confusion.

"I can't say I'm sorry for my mortal life" he supplies, and Cas understands, thinks of his children, thinks of Sam's career, thinks of countless happy hours.

He nods.

"But I can give you all that comes after" Dean promises, and Cas draws him into another kiss and knows that this is it.

This is his Heaven.


	3. Chapter 3

If his brother invited Castiel Novak once again when Dean was expected for dinner, he would start throwing punches.

He had no idea why Sam continued to try and make him be friends with his colleagues and other fellow students from his Stanford days. He was too dumb for any topic they would be interested in, and even if they were so friendly as to keep to normal stuff while talking to him, it was clear that they regarded him as a stupid blue-collar worker.

He'd come close to decking that dick Brady several times.

Castiel Novak, however, was the worst.

Not because he made derigatory comments like the others, or laughed when he didn't get what a dissenting opinion was (really, there was so much legal talk being thrown about, how was he to know?)

No, Castiel Novak was just quiet and stared at Dean, like he was an animal in a zoo because apparently mechanics were strange beings only to be glimpsed when one's car started acting up.

Castiel Novak sat there and stared at Dean, and whenever he glared at him, he would frown.

Sam could continue to talk the guy up - seriously, one could have believed he was a damn saint - but Dean would have none of it. Castiel Novak was yet invited again? Fine, have fun doing all the talking, Sammy.

Sadly, Jess would have none of it; and since they shared a love for Doctor Sexy (he bet Castiel had never heard of that programme) he couldn't resist.

They had just analyzed Doctor Piccolo's new affair, under the gaze of Castiel, of course, and Dean ended a very good argument as to why she and Doctor Sexy were still endgame with a pragmatic, "Or they take the show another way and deny the characters the ending they deserve. So it goes" when Castiel spoke.

"Vonnegut".

"What?" Dean asked, and became aware that they were talking for the first time when he repeated, "Vonnegut. You like Slaughterhouse-Five?"

"Man, it's awesome! I love Timequake too, even if it's a bit strange - "

"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to be done" Castiel quoted and okay, the guy was a bit more attractive than Dean had given him credit for.

This started a discussion about Kilgore Trout that Dean had never thought possible, but when he eventually, laughing, declared "At least we have that in common" Castiel fell silent again. Apparently he was averse to the idea of having anything in common with Dean.

A dick after all. Big surprise.

Not that it mattered.

But after he had left, Sam couldn't stop talking about him. If he'd been Jess, he would have been worried, but she just listened with a smile on her face.

"Only last week he helped that poor mother get custody, even though she couldn't afford a lawyer; everyone loves him, really, because he's so nice".

Dean chose to be quiet. _Nice_ was certainly not a description he would have used.

He would have been content never to see the guy again.

It figured that four days later Castiel Novak strolled into his little garage and started stuttering about his engine.

He couldn't even say what kind of a motor he had, for crying out loud, but Dean still had the car towed.

It must have been Sam who advised him to go to Dean. He couldn't begrudge his brother the attempt to give him more work, but God did he wish he could.

It wasn't a big problem after all, and he told Castiel that he could fix it in half an hour.

It was just his luck that he decided to wait, staring at Dean as he worked.

"And? Anything interesting?" he finally asked fifteen minutes later, annoyed.

"Yes" Castiel answered simply. "It's amazing".

"What is?"

"What you can do".

It threw Dean off a little. Didn't he think he was a stupid blue-collar never-gone-to-college, worthless dude? Dean had always had the impression.

"Well, it's not that impressive - "

"It is. You can fix things that are broken".

Dean laughed. "Well and good, but I don't have a fancy degree on my wall".

"You don't need it" Cas replied. "In my line of work it is required, in yours it isn't. We both can do things the other can't. It's as simple as that".

God that voice… Before he could get a hold of himself, Dean asked, "Why are you always staring at me then when Sam invites us both?"

Suddenly Castiel blushed. Dean stared.

Man he was gorgeous when he did that.

"Sam spent hours talking about you before he introduced us. He said you had more or less raise him and still given him money so he didn't have to work in college, and that you were very kind and handsome, and I could see all of that was true…" he blushed, then stepped back.

"I'm sorry; my brothers always say I'm too blunt - I just don't see the point of - I should go - "

"No, you shouldn't" Dean heard himself say, "You can't have coffee with me then".

Castiel turned around and stared at him in amazement.

Before the day was over, Castiel Novak had become Cas, and Dean had admitted to himself that not all of Sam's friends were dicks, especially when they considered Billy Pilgrim the unsung hero of American literature.

There might have been more coffee dates after that.

And there might have been kisses involved.

Alright, and maybe, a few weeks later, when they entered Sam's apartment hand in hand, he would exclaim "Finally!" and Dean would learn that he and Jess had been trying to set them up from the beginning, but how was he supposed to have known?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am working on a longer version of this.

"I don't believe this" Dean grumbled to himself for the millionth time in the last half hour, and Sam restrained his urge to strangle brother.

True, it was a bit strange to look at Dean and Cas, turn around and be face-to-face with another Dean and Cas from another universe, but they had had weirder cases in the past.

Maybe he was simply so relaxed because his doppelganger hadn't appeared and was currently, according to Dean's, busy with a "big case" - presumably at court, since the supernatural didn't seem to exist in their world. They had been grilling them since they stumbled out of the closet, and one thing was certain: they had never been hunters in their lives.

Sam had also come to another conclusion. Dean and Cas were confused, and slightly scared by their counterparts, but not as freaked out as he would have expected them to be; and since most of their calm stemmed from constantly being near one another and they were wearing tasteful matching rings, it was easy to guess that there relationship was - somewhat closer than the one his Dean and Cas shared.

Not that they wouldn't have made a good couple, or didn't want it, even. But Dean had been steadfastly ignoring any attempt of Cas' to say or do anything suggesting romance since their friend had fallen once and for all (and how his brother could ignore that he'd mostly done it, had chosen a mortal life, cut off from all his siblings for him, Sam would ask himself until his dying day).

"We're rather surprised too" the other Dean answered his brother drily. Sam couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him; his brother threw him a dirty look.

"What? We might as well make the best we can out of the situation" he said, and Dean snorted.

"Sure, Sammy. We don't even know what the situation is".

"It could be worse" Cas supplied.

"How?"

"They don't want to kill us" he said simply, and Dean groaned but relaxed slightly.

Another example of the truth that Dean did his best to ignore despite it staring him in the face 24/7.

"So the Supernatural is real?" other Cas asked again, with the eagerness of a child. Other Dean chuckled.

"I think we have established that" he answered. Sam didn't know him, obviously, but in the past half hour he had come to see the differences between this Dean and theirs.

He was wearing a shirt, a tie and dresspants for one thing, and a bluge in his short pocket indicated that he was carrying a spectacle case.

Sam made a mental note to ask his brother if his vision had been impaired lately. Vanity or not, he couldn't afford not seeing well when going up against monsters.

Then there was the way he talked. Not that his Dean talked like a redneck or anything, but the other one's speech was… more sophisticated. Polished. All in all, he gave Sam the impression of often talking in public.

He carried himself in much the same way their Dean did - self-assured and at times downright cocky - but there was nothing of the false bravado Sam hated, when his brother had to convince himself that he didn't need any help, that he was fine on his own, brooding and drinking when he could have talked about his problems.

He also looked at Cas with an expression on his face Sam had only seen small glimpses of, when his brother had been convinced no one was watching him.

He was waiting for Dean to catch on, but his brother was still wrapping his head around the fact that his doppelganger had jumped out of a closet like their grandfather had done.

"But think of the possibilites, Dean! There could be Greek Gods running around…"

Sam wasn't going to burst his bubble by pointing out they were mostly bad-tempered and that they'd had to kill a few, and other Dean listened with an indulgent smile.

This Cas and their Cas were very similar, down to the wronly tied tie, even if their Cas was at present wearing the usual hunter gearup - jeans and a t-shirt Sam was sure he'd stolen from Dean's closet.

The only difference between them was that this Cas was sitting very close to Dean and seemed happy in the consciousness that he could do so, and something in Sam's chest constricted painfully at the realization.

How must it feel to know that he'd fallen for a human, and that the human didn't want him the way he wished?

"Actually" their Cas interrupted his counterpart, "I think I know what is going on".

Cas' angelic knowledge had become muddled since his fall; Sam suspected his human mind was trying to protect itself from the vast spaces of an angel's memory.

Nevertheless, Cas pulled an old book out of his duffel bag, but before he could say anything, other Dean became excited.

"Can I see?"

Obviously confused, Cas handed the book to him, and he confirmed Sam's suspicions by taking out his spectacle case and proceeding to put glasses on.

"What the - " Dean began and he gave him a sheepish smile.

"Too many nights reading" he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"In insufficient light" his Cas added, and Sam felt that this was an old argument between them.

"I always had a light" he mumbled.

"A small one, right on the corner of your desk. Before I came along, you didn't even turn on the main light. And you didn't go to the doctor until I -"

"Alright, alright, saviour of my eyesight. Look at this! That's ancient Greek, I would say about thirteen hundred BC…"

"How do you know this stuff?" Dean demanded, and his counterpart looked up, frowning.

"Part of the job".

"You said there was no supernatural in your world, and mechanics don't need books" Dean said dumbly, and Sam wondered if his brother really had never considered that he would have become something different, that he would have actually done well at school if he wanted.

"I teach at Yale" other Dean answered matter-of-factly, and Dean looked like he was about to have a stroke.

"What?" he asked.

"Comparative Literature. Cas here is a religious studies professor" Dean said proudly, and his brother's face made clear that he had never contemplated an academic career for himself.

It hurt more than Sam would have thought.

"But - books?"

"Yes, books. The things you read?" other Dean replied patiently, and Sam reflected that he was probably used to dumb questions from his students.

"I don't like reading" Dean stated, and other Dean rolled his eyes and pronounced one word that had his brother look away self-consciously.

"Vonnegut".

When Dean didn't answer (and Sam decided he was going to get him Vonnegut's collected works for his birthday) he continued smugly, "Knew we weren't that different".

He looked at Cas in a way that caused other Cas to jab him with his ellbow.

"Hey!"

"Hehem" other Cas said.

He smiled at him placidly.

"Sorry, baby, you know I love it when you wear my clothes".

Sam had been wrong. Now Dean was about to have a stroke.

When other Dean took other Cas' hand, he burst out, "What are you doing?"

"Holding my husband's hand?"

"Hus-band?" Dean stammered, and Sam tried to ignore the expression of longing on their Cas' face.

"Yes, husband… other Dean trailed off and looked at him with pity. "You're still in that stage, I see".

"What stage? I'm just not - "

"Please, I see how you look at one another".

"When you're wearing your glasses" other Cas mumbled petulantly and other Dean gently rubbed circles into his hand with his thumb.

"Just a headups" he continued, looking right into Dean's face. "Dad was a douche, you're bi and Cas is great. It might make things easier in the long run. When I met Cas, I was still - apprehensive when it came to my sexual orientation. But it has all been worth it, believe me".

Sam would have laughed if it hadn't been clear that his brother was counting the ways he could make his counterpart's body disappear.

He mentioned the book again, and with their Cas' knowledge and other Dean's ability to read Ancient Greek like the latest Batman Comic, they were home by nightfall, but not before a hundred glances and touches between the husbands had proven that Dean could indeed be like that, and very happy to boot.

Sam had expected his brother to deny everything.

He had expected him to turn to Cas and say something among the line of, "Bro, that was weird" but instead, there was a shy smile on Dean's face as he studied Cas, and their friend did a double-take before blushing and looking away.

Sam had never thought that he would come to appreciate the ability of strangers to appear in their motel room closets.


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel was well-known, even famous, as the humans would have put it, in Heaven. He was a force to be reckoned with, a mighty warrior, an excellent strategist.

And yet he was still only garrison leader. Strange rumours told of times gone by when he had come close to rebellion; when he had almost forsaken Heaven for the newest creation of their Father.

Dean refused to believe them. Castiel was not like Lucifer, the most beautiful of them all whom Dean only knew through stories because he was a relatively young angel whereas Castiel was old as the skies.

Castiel had never shown interest in mating, that much he knew; he had built his nest close to the humans so that he could watch over them, far away from the high heavens Dean had chosen as the ideal place for his abode, and he had never courted.

Dean knew he would never consider an angel who was below him, so much below him as Dean was.

Dean was only a soldier, and he had erred, done wrong many times as the leader of his garrison let him know. Cas - no, Castiel, it was wrong to shorten names like humans did - was an experienced warrior, one of their best soldiers, some said even better than Gabriel, who had left before Dean had been created.

If Castiel knew he existed, he would turn away with disgust, Dean knew.

And yet he burned with the desire of feeling their grace mingle.

It was wrong. He shouldn't raise his thoughts to him.

Still he decorated his nest with blue flowers and feathers of birds, blue as his grace, blue as the eyes of his vessel.

It was a simple mission that went wrong. Dean and the brother he was closest to, Sam, were supposed to rid a town of demons; there turned out to be so many of them that their leader John commanded them to wipe out the town.

Dean had always avoided hurting humans. They were their Father's creations, unlike them but still beautiful.

He begged and pleaded, and John allowed them a day, a day to rid the town of the abominations who had burned in Hell.

They had to be rescued before they were being torn to shreds; many demons lay dead around them, but many more were attacking.

The last thing Dean remembered was a blue flash.

When he came to, his first word was, "Sam?"

"He is safe. He is being look after by his Mate" said a deep voice next to him.

He recognized Cas.

He opened his vessel's eyes and reaized he was lying in Cas' nest.

The nest he had never invited anyone in.

They must have been concerned that he wouldn't survive being taken to his own nest, so Castiel had allowed him to be laid down here.

He was healed now. He should leave.

"I know what you did".

He felt his vessel's cheecks blush. Of course Cas knew what he had done; he had chosen humans over the orders of his garrison leader.

He was a bad soldier.

He was nothing.

"Yes, I know - I have to go" he forced out, spread his wings and returned to his nest, his grace burning with shame.

Sam came later to offer him silent comfort, well aware of Dean's desires.

Soon after, gifts started to show up in Dean's nest. Whenever he would return, something new would be waiting for him, something from the human world; lovely flowers, small stuffed animals and a black toy car he loved especially.

He felt bad keeping them. This were courting gifts, intended to awaken his interest until the angel who wanted him as his mate stepped forward.

He was already interested in someone, and the gifts could never be from him.

Or so he thought.

Because one day, there was no gift.

But Cas stood there, grand and proud, right in the middle of his nest, looking at the gifts on display with obvious satisfaction.

"Cas?" Dean breathed and he smiled.

Dean had never see him smile.

He was more beatiful than ever before.

He stepped forward.

"Dean…" he said slowly. "You bear love for all of God's creations. You chose your own best friend among the angels, something only a few of us dare".

Dean shuffled his feet. What he had done by singling Sam out and spending much time with him and his mate Jess when they were not fighting was indeed unusual.

It sounded too much like Free Will.

He was a bad soldier -

A gently hand forced his chin up.

Electric blue eyes, lit up with grace, stared into his.

"Would it be possible for you to choose me as your mate?" Cas asked and Dean had only one answer.

It caused something of an uproar when Castiel and Dean mated, and that Dean chose to move into Cas' nest instead of insisting on keeping his own, in a place that far more befit a garrison leader; it was equally shocking that soon after, Sam, as one of the few angels ever to have done so, relocated with his mate so he could be closer to Dean and Cas.

They didn't care.

Dean was teaching Cas how to laugh. Cas was teaching Dean that Free Will wasn't always bad.

A new bond had been born.


	6. Chapter 6

The Dream Inhibitors were the one thing Sammy would never shut up about. Or no – one of the things he would never shut up about.

The other being mostly college (he wasn't going to go now, no point to it at all, the best he'd ever get was what he did now, part-time fixing cars and bartending, and he was fine) and his nutrition (he liked burgers, so what?)

But he kept coming back to the DIs. It was no big deal nowadays to take them; when Dean had first started, when he had been sixteen and realized where his life was going and decided that no poor bastard deserved to be dragged into this mess, he'd had to buy them on the streets, like drugs, in constant fear that they could sell him something else entirely.

Thankfully they hadn't and twenty-one years later he was still taking them, doctor-approved and purchased at his pharmacy.

He didn't mind that he was the only one who ever bought them. He didn't mind the looks.

He did, however, mind that his brother wouldn't stop nagging.

"You could be happy with them, just like I'm with Jess".

He rolled his eyes.

"Ever think I'm not one for being happy?"

It had been the wrong thing to say, and led to their biggest fight yet.

After Sam had stormed out of his apartment, Dean sighed and grabbed a beer. It was his own damn life, and he was allowed to screw it up any way he chose.  
Not that he was screwing it up. He was just doing what was best for everyone involved.

If he'd learned one thing, than that spending his life away from him was the best he could do for his soulmate.

His soulmate…

He hadn't thought about him in a long time. He missed the dreams a little at first because they were the only comfort left to him between Sam crying for food and his father's drunken ramblings, but his soulmate didn't deserve that. No one deserved being tied to Dean.

After all these years, he only vaguely remembered a blue-eyed boy.

The fact that one could never learn one's soulmate's name or enough information to find them on one's own in the dreams had never made sense to him. No, that wasn't quite true; one knew all that stuff perfectly well as long as one was dreaming, but waking up was only left with a vague picture of one's soulmate, not even enough to describe them properly.

And even that had faded over the years. Only the eyes had stayed.

Sam said that when one met them, everything came rushing back; but since Dean didn't even know anymore what they looked like, it didn't matter.

He didn't know what life his soulmate led, what he was doing, his hopes and dreams, but he was certain none of them included Dean. No one wanted him in that way, in a forever-I-couldn't-live-without-you way, and that was good. He had too much baggage, he could never make someone happy, and he wouldn't have to try thanks to the DIs.

Sam wouldn't stop complaining until he died, though.

Well, it was a small price to pay.

Or so he thought until he had the accident. Some douchebag ran the red light and crashed into Baby, and Dean's first thought before everything went dark was that at least no one safe for Sam would grieve for him.

And then he woke up.

And didn't.

It was confusing, and he needed forever to figure it out, but then he realized he was in that comforting, non-descript place he used to see his soulmate in.

He was in his Dream Space.

And when he didn't wake up, no matter how long he waited, he realized.

He was in a coma.

He was lying in a hospital bed, and he was in a coma.

And Sam had had his DIs discontinued.

He wished he could wake up just to scream at him. What good would it do? He was in a freaking coma, for crying out loud.

So he tried to get away, didn't succeed, of course, and suddenly, there he was.

Good God, his soulmate had become hot.

"Dean?" he asked, his eyes wide and hopeful, not a single reproach to be found in his expression as he stepped forward.

Castiel, he remembered. As a child, before he'd begun to distance himself, he'd called him Cas.

"Hello" he managed weakly.

Cas smiled at him, looking like he was about to burst into tears.

"You don't take them anymore. Thank you, thank you so much, I promise I'm not – "

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm lying in a coma" Dean interrupted him before they got all chick-flicky, "and no one told them they were supposed to give me DIs".

Cas looked away; his shoulders tensed.

Dean remembered now, remembered play dates when they were kids and countless hours during which Cas had comforted him because Dad drank more and more. He also remembered drawing back, Cas' pleas not to do it, his promises that he could change if Dean didn't like the way he was.

Dean had liked it very much. That was why he had taken the DIs to begin with.

"I know I am not very desirable" Cas said, and Dean wondered if the guy had no mirrors in his house, "but we could have just talked. I wouldn't mind if we never met in real life, or if we just saw each other once. We could have had just this. I was lonely".

The frank admission touched something in Dean, and he swallowed.

"It was never about you. My life was crap – it is crap. Trust me, you don't want any part of that".

"But I do" Cas replied so honestly that Dean had to turn away.

The next thing he knew, a soft hand on his shoulder was turning him back.

Then they were hugging.

"Like I said" he mumbled into his shoulder, "I'm in a coma".

"That's okay" Cas muttered back. "We'll manage".

And they did. Cas woke up of course, so Dean spent many hours alone; and it wasn't long before he began to look forward to the time he got to see Cas again.

It was dangerous, he could die any minute, he shouldn't really –

He was falling in love, and there was nothing he could do. Cas was funny, and charming in a quiet, strange way that was completely endearing; he was a teacher at a school not far from Dean's apartment, he loved bees and he had many siblings.

He listened to his ramblings about Sammy and told him he was sure he was okay.

Cas was everything he wanted, and after a long fight because Dean tried to push him away again, during which he told him all he'd done to keep his family together and failed, Cas surprised him with his admiration, with his smiles, with his words of comfort.

Afterwards, Cas had woken up in the meantime, it hit Dean.

He was in love with his soulmate.

And they could never be together. Dean was in a coma, had already been for quite some time, would most likely age and die in a coma unless Sam pulled the plug.

And he was scared to leave Cas behind.

He was sure that was happening when he suddenly felt weak and couldn't get up to greet Cas when he returned one day; he said nothing, but took him in his arms, and as Dean felt his tears seep through his t-shirt and his mind fading, he found that he had been an idiot all his life, and that his soulmate was his biggest regret instead of his greatest pride at the end.

The hospital ceiling was white. It was the first thing he registered apart from Sam's excited squeal.

After he'd been poked and tested and swore he'd never let a needle near him again, when they were alone, he said, "You discontinued the DIs".

He knew he had met his soulmate. He knew nothing more.

"I did".

"I don't want to take them anymore".

He didn't.

Even though he didn't know why.

Life went on. He went through physical therapy and learned that thankfully Bobby had begun to repair Baby, even though he left the finer stuff to Dean, and he, out of some inexplicable urge, began to look at college pamphlets when no one was looking.

Maybe restoration. It sounded kind of cool.

He also started eating salad now and then and cut back on the alcohol; and he always woke up with a smile on his face and a feeling that something would happen soon, something good.

It didn't make sense until the day he finally restored Baby and had just taken a celebratory turn around the neighbourhood. He got out of the car and someone behind him breathed, "Beautiful".

He turned around, always happy to hear compliments about his car, but all words died on his tongue as he looked into bright blue eyes.

That evening, he knew exactly who awaited him in his dreams, because he was falling asleep in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

Cupid had brought love and lust upon the humans since the moment of their creation, and she was proud of the work she'd done. She had followed the plan, had made sure that every person's destiny was fulfilled as Fate would have it.

She was not really a woman, not in the human sense, of course; but she had spent enough time in her vessel to come to think of herself as one, and it helped when she had to interfere personally in hard cases, for example bump into someone when they refused to speak to the person they were destined to meet that day.

It might have been that she had grown a little too comfortable around humans, a little too accustomed to their ways; it would have explained her fascination with Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak.

Dean Winchester was destined for Lisa Braeden. They had met a few months ago, and were now dating casually; Cupid had orders to make them fall into deep and true love in one week.

But Castiel Novak was a different case. No true love was chosen for him; he would have a few relationships as time went on, but none would last. Still, he would be content.

Or would have been content. Because Castiel Novak had erred from the path, had denied Fate.

And he would be very unhappy as a consequence.

He should have had a small "crush" on Dean Winchester, as the mortals put it, when they had first met; it should have passed and a strong friendship that would last all their lives should have taken the place of these stronger feelings.

They were best friends, it was true; but either the cupid who had been assigned to Castiel Novak ten years ago, when he and Dean Winchester had met in high school, had made a mistake or his sould had been too stubborn, because it had held on to his crush, and now, at the age of twenty-seven, Castiel Novak was deeply and unrepentently in love with his best friend.

His soul had refused Fate, and now he had to pay the prize.

When Cupid had been assigned Dean Winchester and Lisa Braeden, she had been curious. Curiosity was not a normal trait for angels; she really must have spent too much time among her charges; but she felt the need to know Castiel Novak's changed destiny, and she asked. Fate was indignant because he had defied her, and she told Cupid.

Castiel Novak would spend his life hopelessly in love with Dean Winchester, and he would not be his best friend, He would watch the life of the man he loved from its fringes, his heart always full of desire.

On the day Dean Winchster and Lisa Braeden would fall in love, Castiel Novak would go to a bar with them; unable to watch them be happy, he would run out, tears in his eyes.

Dean Winchester would follow, and Castiel Novak draw him into a desperate kiss.

Dean Winchester would be shocked and angry, the man who had defied Fate would flee, and only months later would they agree to be friends again, a small echo of what had been, when they had spent nearly every waking moment together.

Cupid felt - something. She was not sure. She would later come to the conclusion that it had been pity, because only this could explain what she had done.

It came as Fate had predicted. Dean Winchester and Lisa Braeden were flirting at a table in the bar, Castiel Novak sitting next to his best friend, growing more and more distressed as the evening went on, and finally, he jumped up, mumbled an apology, and left hastily.

Dean Winchester immediately followed him, full of concern for his friend, concern and nothing more.

Cupid would never be able to explain why she did it. But as Castiel Novak proclaimed his love and drew Dean Winchester into the kiss that was to be their first and only, she raised her bow and sent an arrow of true love into Dean Winchester's soul.

It shouldn't have taken. Her arrows were only supposed to work on people Fate had chosen for one another.

The arrow took.

She watched, unable to comprehend, as Dean Winchester pushed Castiel Novak away as he was supposed to, but then stopped, stared, and drew him back in, mumbling between kisses "idiot" "should have known" "always knew" while his friend didn't hear because he was tearfully kissing him back, tears of joy this time.

Cupid had hit neither Dean Winchester nor Lisa Braeden yet, and when she came out of the bar a few minutes later, she didn't seem in the least surprised, shrugged her shoulders, and went back in.

In the next moment, Cupid was summoned to Heaven, and Fate was standing in front of her, angry, vengeful.

She gave her a chance to correct her mistake.

And Cupid learned that Castiel Novak's was not the only stubborn soul.

Dean Winchester clung to the love he had discovered for his best friend, clung as he told his family and his father became angry and his brother cried out "Finally!", clung as he dropped a few of his friends because they couldn't understand, clung as Castiel Novak admitted that he had loved him for years and he laughed and kissed him.

Dean Winchester had decided to be with Castiel Novak.

They would stay together despite Fate, and Fate had to admit defeat.

And Fate looked upon them, saw true love, and declared they should be happy.

So would be Lisae Braeden, who was to build a family with another man.

They called it an exceptional case; they called it the only time Fate had draw back.

Cupid called it different.

Watching from afar as Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak began their lives together, happy as few others, she called it Free Will.


	8. Chapter 8

It's become a routine, although he never thought it would, it has, just like taking his courses at Stanford and making dinner on Thursdays, when Jess has the late shift at the hospital.

Showing his ID (sometimes he doesn't have to anymore, a few attendants take pity on him) and being led down countless corridors to where his brother is being held (lives, lives, he should get used to it) has become a routine.

He remembers when it hurt far more than he does now, the beginning in another hospital when he still had hope, and he can't say if the dull acceptance that has been steadily building up in him is better or worse than the continual torment of those days.

Today, Dean is happy to see him, and thankfully reasonably happy, not like last week when he greated him tearfully and then poured salt he'd kept from lunch over him to make sure he was not a demon, then proceeded to yell how glad he was Sam made it "out of the pit".

Apparently, Sam had gone to Hell the week before, the doctors informed him.

Today, Dean is just happy, and it eases something of the knot that seems to have made a permanent habitat in Sam's throat when it comes to his brother.

It's always there, whether he's seeing, talking or thinking about him. In the first few weeks and months, he had to talk about him a lot.

Before Bobby's frantic call, before he rushed down to Lawrence, he was known among his fellow students as clever, dexterous, some even called him a "prodigy".

Now he's the one with the crazy brother.

He's also the one who visist him every week, craving to find traces of the man who raised him, the man he was before his mind snapped and made him believe all Dad had mumbled about when he was drunk.

Sam never should have allowed Dean to solely care for him when he left for Stanford. He should have visited more often after Dad died.

He should have -

He doesn't know what he should have done, but he would have done everything to spare Dean this fate.

Jess used to accompany him, at the beginning, before the black word "untreatable" was thrown around, before the doctors stopped making Dean take meds, shrugged their shoulders and talked about "permanent accomodation", as if Dean was looking for a new apartment, not a room with soft walls and barred windows. But Jess can't visit anymore because Dean freaks out every time he sees her, trying to drag Sam away, insisting that she's just an illusion of his dead girlfriend "out to get him".

Why she can't come back to life like Sam and Dean seem to do on a regular basis, Sam has no idea.

But today, Dean is happy and doesn't throw salt at him. Today, Dean looks even a little excited (on a normal level, thank God, it feels so good to see him like this).

Soon Sam learns why.

"I found him Sammy, I found him!"

"Who?" he asks, slightly concerned.

Dean rolls his eyes and points to another patient who's sitting on the table next to him, watching them with bright blue eyes.

For whatever reason, he's wearing a trench coat over his scrubs.

A memory of one of the craziest stories his brother told him flashes through Sam's mind, and he knows what Dean is about to say.

"Cas, Sam. Cas came back!"

Castiel, the angel who rescued Dean from Hell when he was dragged there by hellhounds (the first time? the second time? They seem to die a lot and Sam has trouble keeping track of the stories his brother's mind weaves, they are growing more and more complicated and are all connected).

"Oh?" he inquires because he still can't bring himself to act like he believes Dean, like he's part of his fantasy world, not even to make Dean feel better.

Part of him still hasn't given up hope. He knows it's ridiculous, but he can't help it. Somewhere in his mind, there has to be the brother he remembers, the one who fed him and read to him and fixed cars and proudly waved after him as he left for Stanford, not the ghost hunter who never gets to rest.

He's astonished when the blue-eyed man, who really looks like Dean described him, says, "Hello, Sam".

And suddenly he's caught in a conversation with two people who seem to agree upon everything crazy their minds can come up with.

He lasts for an hour before he excuses himself and goes to look for Doctor Crowley, who Dean sometimes likes and sometimes doesn't because apparently he's the King of Hell.

"Mister Novak" he confirms. "His wife had him committed when he assured their daughter he wasn't her father. His delusions complement your brother's to an extraordinary degree".

"How is that possible?" Sam demands.

Doctor Crowley sighs. "I don't know, Mr. Winchester. I can only run this place and watch things take their course".

And they do.

Over the next few months, Sam watches his brother and the man who thinks he's an angel fall in love and doesn't know what to do. There are gentle touches and blushes and long gazes, and he would be happy for Dean if -

If -

The doctors are as clueless as he is.

"We tried keeping them apart" Doctor Crowley admits one day "It led to an almost complete breakdown for both of them,"

"Does his wife -" Sam trails off as he watches Dean whisper something in Cas' - no, Jimmy's, he refuses to give in to the madness - ear and the other man giggle.

"She doesn't even visit. According to her, it would only hurt her and her daughter. It's not an unusual reaction. If I may say so, you are the exception".

Sam can't feel proud at that.

But eventually, he finds something like peace.

Because one day, he walks in on Dean and Cas holding hands and Dean announcing "Cas is human" and they both look as happy as they can be.

His brother is crazy.

But at least he's happy with his ex-angel.


	9. Chapter 9

"How are you?"

The question had become annoyingly familiar in the last few months. Not that he hadn't been asked before; but it seemed that every single member of his family, as well as his friends, had decided to begin conversations like that.

Apart from one exception.

"I'm fine" Dean said gruffly, putting the folder he'd been carrying in his hands on the desk with more force than strictly necessary.

"I can see that" was Charlie's only comment as she put a coffee-to-go in his hand, one from the good expensive shop not far from the school, and the English teacher smiled at her, feeling guilty.

"Sorry".

"No problem, my friend. So, you up for a girl's night out?"

Charlie had always invited all her friends to a "girl's night out" because she "didn't judge".

Another wave of guilt crashed over Dean as he realized he hadn't gone out with her in at least three months, but he shook his head.

"I've got plans".

He turned away because he didn't want to see the pity in her eyes.

In another week, he reflected at the end of the day, his studenty rushing out of the classroom as the eager teenagers that they were, he would have all the time in the world to spend with Charlie and Benny and his brother.

In another week, there would be nothing occupying his evenings.

In another week was Cas' thirty-fifth birthday.

This wouldn't have meant much, just Dean baking him a pie and they spending the day together, as they had for the last ten years.

Except that Cas was an angel, an angel with bright blue grace that sometimes shone through his eyes and beautiful black wings.

And unmated angels at the age of thirty-five had to return to Heaven to find a mate. Until they did, all visits to Earth were forbidden; and it often took a long time, decades, centuries for humans until angels agreed to bond together.

If Dean was lucky, he would see Cas again when he was an old man, and Cas was still young, beautiful, mated and happy, already forgetting about the unimportant human soul he had once called his best friend.

He felt tears gathering in his eyes while he made his way to his car, and blinked quickly to dispel them.

It didn't matter.

It didn't matter that Dean had shown Cas all the best things humanity had to offer.

It didn't matter that they had been best friends since the moment Dean had spotted an angel in a laundromat, at twenty-five taking his first trip to Earth and fascinated by the necessity to wash one's clothes.

It didn't matter that Dean loved Cas.

Cas would be gone.

Cas would be gone and Dean would stay behind, pining for someone he could never have, someone who would have been disgusted if he had ever allowed the words that strangled his throat every time he looked into Cas' eyes to slip out.

Angels could stay with humans. Angels could bond with humans.

But it meant that they had chosen Earth over Heaven, and they could never return. They became mortal, their grace turned soul-like, all that was left of their angelic inheritance were the wings and the ability to fly.

Dean loved Cas. It was his problem, and his alone.

It was good that Cas didn't love him back.

Loving him back would condemn Cas to death.

Therefore it was good that Dean was too pathetic, too unimportant to inspire anything more than friendship. Hell, it was a blessing.

But it still hurt that Cas had to leave.

And no one believed him that he wouldn't suffer.

If he was being honest, he didn't believe it himself.

But there was nothing he could do about it, instead of spending every last minute with Cas.

And his friend didn't seem to have anything against it. He'd been staying at Earth a lot this last year.

He would miss the bees, Dean was sure. He loved to follow them around.

Maybe he would miss Dean too. He hoped that he would. A little. Just a little.

Not enough to hurt. But a little.

He'd barely closed his door when Cas knocked and he let him into his apartment.

"Hello, Dean".

He thought he would miss the greeting most of all.

The week passed. He barely saw anyone instead of his colleagues, the kids and Cas, and Sam, who went out with them a few times, to watch movies, to sit on park benches, to enjoy time with an angel who was his friend too before he was taken from them.

And all that went through Dean's mind was _The Last Time._

Forcing Cas to watch Star Wars again.

_This is the last time._

Making burgers for Cas.

_This is the last time._

Going to the zoo with his animal-loving friend.

_This is the last time._

Never again would he see these blue eyes light up with excitement.

Never again would he hear this delighted chuckle.

Never again would he feel the warmth of Cas' wings envelop him during their rare hugs.

Somehow he managed to stay cheerful. Grief would come afterwards.

And then it was the last evening, the very Last Evening. The night beforethat , Dean had a nightmare.

_He was old, very old. He didn't remember how old he was._

_He was limping down the street, and his eyes weren't doing a very good job anymore, which was why he only recognized him after nearly running into him._

" _Cas!"_

_It was indeed Cas, as he had last seen him, looking at him unconcerned._

" _It's me. Dean"._

_Another angel came to stand beside Cas._

_She was beautiful. Cas took her hand._

" _I'm sorry. I don't know anyone named Dean"._

He woke up crying.

But for this last evening, he could do it. He could be happy, he could smile. Cas went to Heaven to find someone, to get mated. To be happy.

So Dean could be happy to.

Cas looked sad and troubled when he arrived, but Dean didn't have the strength to comfort him. He was using every available bit of it to stay strong.

Then, after they had eaten Cas said, "I have a request".

"Anything" Dean agreed.

"I didn't say what it was".

"I don't care".

He didn't. He wanted Cas to be happy. He wanted Cas to remember him.

"Dean, you have shown me much. I couldn't be more thankful. But there is one thing - I have never participated in sexual intercourse."

His heart stood still.

Cas' eyes bored into his.

"I trust you more than any man I know. And I know you are attracted to both genders".

Cas had had a lot to do with that realization. Dean had never told him.

"Cas - " he croaked out. How could he? How could he take advantage of him?

But Cas wanted him to. Cas wanted him to make love to him.

Could he really say no?

When Cas looked at him again, his eyes pleading, Dean gave in.

Long before it was over, long before desire had pushed them over the edge, before they had stopped carressing each other and lay on Dean's bed panting, did he know that it had been a mistake.

He would never forget this, what it felt like to have Cas.

No one else would ever feel this good.

He closed his eyes and willed himself not to cry. Cas took him in his arms, put his wings around him. He buried his face in Cas' neck.

"I'll miss you" he mumbled. It was the only confession he allowed himself.

"I'll miss you too" Cas answered him and then started whispering words Dean recognized as Enochian. Maybe it was a blessing; maybe it was a goodbye. He only knew as he lost the fight against sleep that Cas was too polite to wake him, and that when he woke up, Cas would be gone.

Cas should never have allowed himself to whisper the words of the bonding ritual into Dean's skin, a mockery of what he could never have.

But he had to have at least that much. Because no angel would ever catch his fancy. He could never return to Earth.

He would never see Dean again.

He would gladly have given up his immortality and Heaven for Dean, if his friend had ever given him any indication that he wanted him that way, that his soul burned with the same love his grace held for the man in his arms.

He had allowed himself to ask Dean to give himself to him once. It was selfish, incredibly selfish, but the thought of never knowing, never having felt him during the millenia of his existence had been too much.

Why did he have to get mated at the young age of thirty-five? Why not three hundred and five? He could have stayed at Dean's side through his life then.

Watching him fall in love and be happy with a human would have been a blessing compared to this.

Cas repeated the words, his mind growing strangely sluggish.

Maybe their actions had exhausted him.

He didn't have to return to Heaven for a few more hours. He could rest next to his human, the only being he would ever love.

He woke up. Cas was gone.

Dean felt like screaming or crying and did neither.

He showered and ignored the missed calls and texts on his phone.

He wandered into the kitchen. He needed coffee.

The rest of his life had officially begun.

Cas was in his kitchen, buttering toast. His chest was bare and his wings were stretched and huge, indicating he was happy.

"Cas?" he asked, unbelieving what he saw. Perhapy he was dreaming. Or he had gone insane.

Cas turned around and smiled a bigger smile than Dean had ever seen on him.

"Dean!"

And then he was being kissed, and he figured he might as well go with it.

It was when Cas breathed against his throat "My beautiful mate" that his brain caught on.

He pushed him away.

"What?"

"I said the words. Yesterday, I pledged myself to you." Cas cradled his face in his hand.

"And your soul accepted the bond. You love me as I love you".

He sounded awed.

"But that - " Elation and shock fought in Dean's mind.

"But that means you'll die, Cas!"

"Yes" he confirmed, casually, carlessly.

"How can you be so calm about this?"

"Because" he said simply, "I get to live with you first".

And Dean, for the next fifty years, could never bring himself to be angry or ashamed for it.


	10. Chapter 10

Dean had no idea why he was here.

No, he got why he was here. 

It was a bad idea, so of course he was here. 

On a less depressive but quite as pathetic note, he was here because his hot neighbour had asked him to be here because his hot neighbour’s painting were being exhibited.

So far so good. 

But as to why he should accept invitation of said hot neighbour, who happened to be a brainy artist when Dean came home covered in motor oil every night and was now awkwardly standing around in a suit it was obvious he hadn’t worn in years - 

Yeah, that was a different question. 

He was sorrounded by people who could compare every stroke of the brush to Monet or Manet or whatever the guy’s name was - Dean had tried to listen on the occasional evening either he or Cas wouldn knock on the other’s door with takeout, he really had, but all these names and the styles to - who had studied art history or just art in general, who could appreciate what Cas was doing.

Dean? He was here and he liked the paintings because he liked Cas. He thought the guy was good, but he had no way of knowing, and when he thought about his pictures, he thought of Cas’ profile in the warm light of the small lamp on his desk, the strong hand that commanded the brush while he murmured about what art meant to him. 

Dean told him about cars as a reply.

But needless to say, he didn’t get art. He didn’t get art like he got his cars, or his tv shows, or the few books he liked.

So the idea that anything would come out of his crush was - unlikely. 

So why was he here?

Because Cas had come to him, all hopeful and his eyes shining and had said, “You’re my best friend”.

It had been as much a punch in the gut as it had been a compliment, but hey, he could do friends. He could pretend to enjoy himself when he could literally feel every single person in the gallery judging him. 

Cas had mentioned that his family might drop by (and boy had Dean recognized that weary tone when speaking of close relations) but he couldn’t see a single resemblance in the mass.

He’d just wait till Cas found him, congratulate him and leave. He could celebrate with his artsy friends.

He’d caught a brief glimpse of his neighbour during the opening, and Cas had smiled at him. Cas was happy he was here, so here he would remain. He didn’t have to talk to anyone. 

A grinning man with dirty blonde her, wearing an expensive jacket with a (he bet) equally as expensive v-shirt under it strolling right up to him made that resolution pointless.

“Hey” He stuck out his hand. “Balthazar”. 

“Dean” he introduced himself. The guy had an unexpectedly strong handshake. He remembered the name; Cas had mentioned him a few times. They had studied together. 

Why would he introduce himself? The unpleasant idea that he was marking territory came to him, and he swallowed.

Not that it mattered. Cas had a right to date whoever he wanted to date. 

“Cassie talks about a lot about you”.

Yep, marking territory. At least Cas talked about him. Seriously, Cassie?

“We’re friends” he said, trying to ignore the suspicion in his eyes. 

“That woudl explain it. Have you seen all the pictures yet?”

He hadn’t. He knew some from his visits, others were totally new to him, but mainly he stayed in teh shadows not to make things awkward.

When he shook his head, he was draggedinto another room before he registered what was going on.

“Here. The pride of the exhibition” Balthazar said, pushing him toward it.

It was a hug painting Dean had never seen. It must have taken him ages. 

It was abstract, at least Dean thought that was what it was called. Green and blue, black and gold mixed together, creating their own world; it was warm and cold at the same time, passionate and calming, funny and sad.

It was perfect.

“What do you see?” Balthazar asked and Dean raised an eyebrow.

“This one professor we had, he would always ask that question. So, what do you see?”

He knew the answer, it was right at the tip of his tongue, but if he said it, Balthazar would know, it would be out in the open for all to see - 

“Cas” he heard himself say. “It’s Cas”.

Unexpectedly, Balthazar started to laugh. 

“That’s rich. That’s perfect. Have I convinced you now, Cassie?”

And Dean turned around to find Cas staring at him, his eyes just as hopeful as when he’d asked him to this exhibition in the first place.

“Cas - hi - I mean - “

“Do you want to know what I see?” his neighbour stepped forward.

“What do you see?” he asked, breathlessly.

Cas reached out, carressed his cheek.

“You. I see you”.

The judging visitors were treated to the sight of their revered artist kissing the blue-collar worker right in front of his best piece. Balthazar cheered excitedly.

The rest of the evening was a blur, passed at the arm of the star of the hour.

Dean knew exactly why he’d come.


	11. Chapter 11

Until the moment Cas kissed him, Dean was completely unaware that he had a boyfriend and was apparently gay. Or bi, as Sam later hopefully pointed out, grinning.

The point was that he had not been informed that they were dating. They had met a few months before and had spent some - okay, most of their time together. But they had never really touched or kissed or done other stuff, so how was he supposed to know?

And why should he have suspected that he would even like to do… that stuff with Cas?

He'd only ever been with women. It wasn't surprising that he'd had no idea he was into guys too.

Sam laughed at that.

Screw him.

So he and Cas met when Cas got shoved into his arms - literally. There was a guy who had a bakery near Dean's home called Gabe, and he made really good pie, so it was logical that Dean should be a regular customer.

And one day the owner simply shoved his brother into his arms with the words "Cassie needs more friends".

So friends they became. And yeah, Dean showed him all the good things he'd been missing out on, like Start Trek and Doctor Sexy, and Cas didn't laugh at him when he admitted he actually loved reading, especially Vonnegut, and they went to the movies and to restaurants and were planning to take a road trip in the summer, and they had fallen asleep together on the couch several times.

God damnit. No wonder Cas had kissed him that morning at the airport when he left to visit his parents for a few days and thought they were dating.

They were dating.

Kinda.

They were also boths guys.

Dean was bothered by how it didn't bother him at all until Sam held up a list of his "men crushes".

Dean used the confusion as to why Sam should keep a list of men his brother found attractive to distract from the fact that - yeah, Cas was pretty hot.

And intelligent.

And funny.

And charming.

And into him.

What was his problem again?

Really, the whole bisexuality thing wasn't bugging him as much as it should.

Because it was _Cas_. He could have _Cas_.

And suddenly he wasn't bothered by Sam laughing anymore at all.

And maybe it happened that four days later he stood at the airport with a bucket full of roses.

What? He could at least admit that he'd been an idiot in style.


	12. Chapter 12

Cas knew the inhabitants of his small world. The smell of well-loved or newly printed pages, the dusk of narrow corridors, the unmistakeable air of seclusion and privacy his shop promised drew in certain types of book buyers.

There were those searching for certain titles or authors, their hungry eyes ignoring anything that wasn't the book they wanted.

There were those who read everything and could never get enough of browsing through the shelves of his stores, their fingertips slightly caressing the book's backs.

There were those who stumbled in because they were looking for a present, who had come across his place by accident, confused and helpless.

Cas knew the types. He felt safe and happy in his neat world where books were made to be cherished and the people who came in knew mostly exactly what they wanted.

But two months ago, someone had come in who had shattered his certainties, had ripped up the pages of the story he knew so well.

He didn't know his name. He knew he had beautiful green eyes and freckles, and a deep pleasing voice.

He also knew that he read everything - from science fiction to cook books - so he should have fallen into the category of bibliophiles Cas recognized at a glance.

But he didn't.

He never seemed happy to entere his store, to walk down the shelves. He looked angry, annoyed, when he chose a book, and yet cradled it in his hands like something precious.

Cas wouldn't have sold him a single volume otherwise.

But why should he look so reluctant when he bought books? Even if he bought them for someone else, there was no reason to be so exasperated.

And Cas felt that he wasn't buying them for someone else. He was reading them himself.

They never talked. And yet Cas began to look forward to his visits, although he looked like he wanted to be anywhere but in the _Book Shop_.

His siblings had laughed at him when he had declared this was the only name his store would have. It was a book shop. There was no reason not to call things by their proper names, to keep everything in order.

And the green-eyed man denied him exactly that, didn't allow himself to be classified, read everything but reluctantly and had never smiled at Cas, although he was aching to know how he looked like when he was happy.

If books didn't make him happy, why would he come to _Book Store_ at all?

Cas would never ask. It wasn't his place.

But one day, he was ringing up _Paradise Lost_ for the man, his gaze fell on his hands.

They were calloused. Worker's hand. Cas didn't agree with the stereotype that only white collar workers liked to read, but he had seen how he handled books - how gently he picked them up, even though he looked enraged as he did so - and it told him that he loved the written word as much as Cas.

"Why?"

The word left his lips before he knew he was going to speak.

Green eyes blinked at him in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

He had heard that voice before, but they had only greeted each other. This was talking.

Cas didn't talk often in his pleasant, understandable world.

He wished he could take it back, but the man clearly waited for an answer, and if he was to lose a client, at least it would be because he was honest.

He shuffled his feet as he answered, looking at the book, Milton's immortal verses running through his head, calming him down.

"You come in here at least once a week and you buy books but you don't seem to enjoy it".

"I have to enjoy paying something now?"

"No - no - there is nothing of that - anticipation, of that happiness that comes with finding a good book - "

"My God" the man said. "You really love books, don't you?"

"So should you" Cas mumbled, looking anywhere but at him. "When you're buying them".

He surprised him with his answer.

"I agree".

"You do?" he asked dumbly.

He nodded.

"I actually love reading" he said quickly, and it sounded like a confession. "I know I'm not supposed to - "

"Why aren't you supposed to?"

"Look at me, man. I'm a mechanic who dropped out of high school. People don't expect me to like books".

"I - " Cas stopped. Hadn't he done the same? No, he'd been surprised that Dean didn't show his love openly. He had never thought one group of people more likely to read than another.

He had always based his opinion on people on how they treated books, how the handled other people's stories.

And this man treated them well.

"I don't mind" he assured him and for the first time, the man laughed.

And the laughter blew through the book store, through Cas' world, and made it explode into colours, changed and ripped up pages, created chapters he hadn't known before.

He swallowed as a hand was extended towards him.

"I'm Dean" the man said. "Dean Winchester".

He took the offered hand and replied, "Castiel Novak".

And only when Dean inquired "Like the angel?" did he remember that his very first purchase had been an _Encyclopedia of Angels_.

It was the very first time he closed the shop early. It was the very first time that he had dinner with someone who wasn't a family. It was the very first time he felt a connection with something other than books.

It was the very first time he was kissed.

His world had changed, expanded, until he didn't recognize it anymore, but it was alright, because the beautiful man who wished he didn't love books so much came to admit that he had found peace with it because he happened to love a book seller just as intensely.

And Cas looked down at the kneeling man who, instead of a ring, had bought him a new and highly expensive edition of Blake's poetry and changed his world once more with a simple word.


	13. Chapter 13

It was stupid. The whole thing was freaking stupid. It was just a button, just a simple button, and it didn’t mean anything. Well, he supposed it did mean something, but not really – it was just – stupid. 

Just stupidly telling the world that he and Cas got it on. He wouldn’t even have thought about it, but when Sam went to college he insisted that Dean get a facebook account to “stay in touch” – as if the little nerd didn’t text at least three times a day and, if he was being honest, Dean did as well. 

And because he’d been single at the moment, and had had no intention of changing that anytime soon (if he’d learned anything from previous attempts, it was that he and relationships didn’t go together) he’d displayed his relationship status openly.

But he was in a relationship now, and he really hoped Cas had come to stay, and in a ridiculous way, it felt like lying to still be single on facebook. Like he was ashamed of Cas. And he wasn’t. On the contrary, he had still to figure out why the guy had chosen him of all people.

So the status had to change, and Dean had spent the better part of the last hour freaking out in front of his laptop.

Because… he might not have mentioned that he and Cas were together to Sam or Bobby yet. They knew all about him because Dean, like the lo – like the besotted teenager in a grown-up buddy he apparently was, hadn’t been able to stop gushing about him since they met. 

True, he could have lied a little about how and where they met, or rather – he had omitted certain details. And now he had omitted that they had been together the last few weeks (it had been three weeks, four days and eleven hours since their first kiss, but who was counting). 

Therefore, changing his facebook status meant telling them – tell Sam, really, he didn’t think Bobby ever used his account. He should have been bold enough to call them, or just drive the five minutes to the scrap yard, but somehow he hadn’t, and here he was, agonizing over clicking a stupid button on a stupid laptop so a stupid website could prove to the world that Dean Winchester was off the market and was freaking happy that he was. 

Cas wouldn’t care. Cas rarely used the internet for other stuff than finding random facts he liked to surprise Dean with in his irresistibly cute way. 

That had to be the girliest thought he’d ever had. 

And he didn’t care. He was happy. He was in – 

He was happy. 

He clicked the button. 

Ten minutes later his cell buzzed. He expected Sam to send him a text, but instead he found a notification from the facebook app.

_Bobby Singer likes this.  
_

_Good for ya, ya idjit._

He hadn’t believed Bobby even knew how to post on facebook or like a status. 

Bobby had met Cas a few times and seemed to like him, and this post was all the confirmation Dean needed. 

He still would have hell to pay for not telling him before, but for now all was well. 

He really couldn’t have cared less about the rest of his facebook friends, but there was Sam. 

Sam, who was obsessed with his social media accounts.

Sam, whose complete sickly-sweet story with Jess was pasted all over the internet.

Sam, who should have seen his status change even before Bobby had and hadn’t reacted at all. 

It wasn’t that Dean thought his brother was homophobic. Far from it. If anything, 

Sam had forced the confession that he was into guys too out of him. Dean had never introduced him to a guy before, but he’d never been together with a guy either. 

Sam wouldn’t have a problem with that, surely? Hadn’t he hinted on more than one occasion he hoped Dean would find someone “worth his while”? 

Then why hadn’t he reacted? He could have been in a lecture, but he always had his phone on vibrate. He would have noticed. 

Should he call him?

So much for not freaking out and pushing that button. 

Finally his phone rang. 

“Seriously? Facebook?” was the first thing his brother said and Dean huffed.

“You put everything on there”.

“But this isn’t me going out running, this is you in a relationship. I mean, I know you had a crush – “

“What?” he squeaked. 

“There’s only so much poetry you can wax about a guy’s eyes before I get suspicious” Sam answered drily and Dean was glad he hadn’t skyped because he must have been scarlet. 

“Are you happy?”

It was just like Sammy to rob him of the last of his composure by asking such an innocent-sounding question.

And yet he didn’t have to think about it.

“Yes. I am”. 

“So are you ready to tell me the truth about how you met since you’re all out and proud?”

Of course Sam knew he’d been kind of lying.

“The library” he admitted.

“What library?”

“KU” he mumbled. “I made have taken a few courses… Cas is the librarian there”.

A pause.

“Wow. That’s… a lot to take in”.

Dean shrugged before remembering that Sam couldn’t see him. 

“I know. It’s just… I like it” he finished lamely.

Good God, facebook had taken away his brain function just like concerned parents insisted it did. 

Sam laughed.

“Listen to you, you dork in love”.

“We haven’t – yet”.

Sam just laughed some more.

“Keep me posted. You know how”.

“Bitch”.

“Jerk”.

Dean couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed, especially since he read Charlie’s, Benny’s, Garth’s (plus Mr. Fizzle’s, of course) as well as Sam’s and Jess’ congratulations later that evening with Cas cuddled next to him on the sofa. 

They still didn’t post everything they did on facebook, but made it their mission to reply to every cute couple photo Sam and Jess posted with one of their own. 

Two years later, Sam managed to beat Bobby to like Dean’s new status.

_Dean Winchester has married Castiel Winchester._


	14. Chapter 14

Sam had come to expect the unexpected, but he was still shocked when he went to open the door of the bunker, wary of who- or whatever had found their hideout, and saw John Winchester standing on the treshold.

Dad. 

He’d been dead for nine years.

Sam stared. 

Dad huffed. “Really, Sammy? I didn’t raise you to stand and stare at supernatural phenomena. I raised you to kill them.”

It sounded like Dad alright, and it was enough to snap Sam out of his stupor.

Five seconds later, Dad lay on the ground, and Sam had proven that he didn’t react to silver, salt, or iron. 

“You got faster” he grumbled, clearly impressed, and Sam helped him up.

He shouldn’t have felt so ambivalent about showing their Dad into the only home they had ever truly known besides the Impala, but Sam couldn’t help it. Nine years, many threats to the world, an angel falling once and for all to hunt with them had changed the brothers and how they regarded their upbringing.

Even Dean had come so far to admit that Dad could have handled certain situations better. 

Dean, he suddenly remembered.

His father apparently had the same thought.

“Where’s Dean?”

“Sleeping?”

“Still?”

“It’s not even half-past nine yet, Dad” Sam replied. Of the two brothers, he’d always been the early riser; Dean in comparison was a night owl, but had conditioned himself to get up just as early as Dad had done. 

In the last few months, that had changed. In fact, now that he came to think of it, with Dad looking around as if he expected Dean to jump around the corner and say “Yes, sir” instead of still being curled up in his bed, oblivious to the world, a lot of things had changed. Dean slept late - Dean _slept_. Why hadn’t he noticed before that, to get up late, his brother had to actually get a good night’s rest? Dean had been having troubles sleeping for _years_. Sam should have noticed. 

He’d also cut back on the alcohol - something Sam had not only realized, but also encouraged, Cas always at their side to give Dean encouraging smiles when he put alcohol-free beer in their cart with a sigh. 

And then, of course, there was Cas. 

And suddenly, Dad’s return looked much less like a blessing. If it even had before, and Sam wasn’t ready to swear to that. 

When Cas had chosen to become human once and for all, he had been certain his brother would either wallow in guilt or push their friend away. Neither had happened; instead, Dean had decided to make up for how he’d treated Cas before by showing him the good sides of being human.

Except for one. 

Dean had shown Cas movies ( _just because you know about them now doesn’t mean you don’t have to see them_ ), how to cook ( _I am not having you rely on a microwave_ ) and even shove some books into his hands when he thought Sam wasn’t looking ( _Don’t tell the Sasqatch, but Vonnegut rules_ ). But he had never encouraged him to seek female company. In fact, even when they went out, he stayed glued to Cas’ side.

It had taken Sam embarrasingly long to catch on.

He had known Dean was bisexual, of course; he had grown up around him; there were things he’d been bound to notice.

He had never thought his brother would grow comfortable enough with himelf to admit it. Or to start - whatever he and Cas were doing. 

He had since then fortified his beliefs that Dean and Cas were - well, kind of courting. Growing closer. Only last night, when they’d practically cuddled on the couch while pretending they weren’t, he had considered them becoming more than friends inevitable.

But Dad had returned. 

And Dad would never approve his son being a (Sam’s blood still boiled when he remembered walking past gay couple’s in the street and Dad using that word) _faggot_. 

And Sam couldn’t say how to Dean would react to - all of this. Dad’s return. Dad’s reaction to Cas - it wouldn’t be favorable. Dad had always seen the world black and white; any creature had to die; and Cas was an ex-angel. 

Plus, there was still small issue of his older son being in love with the former creature. 

Sam tried to offer Dad coffee, but he would have none of it; and instead of allowing him to fetch Dean, as he then reluctantly attempted to (his brother finally walked into the kitchen well-rested every morning, he had no wish to change that) Dad demanded where Dean’s room was and went to wake him up himself. 

Sam knew he stood no chance to dissuade him from rousing Dean, so he accompanied him. 

“I’ve found at least three cases in the sorrounding area” Dad chastised him, “You boys have been letting things slide”.

“As a matter of fact, if you mean the obvious vampire, spirit and ghoul acitivity, we’ve got it covered” Sam said simply. They’d been working on rebuilding the Men of Letter’s network, quite succesfully, if they said so themselves. 

“And we just returned from a hunt in Virginia”.

“No reason to sleep in” Dad said and Sam admitted to himself why he wasn’t nearly as happy as he should have been. 

Or, he thought guilty, as he would have been if Bobby had returned instead.

He had been worried that Dean, still confused from sleep, would attack Dad the second he opened his eyes, but in truth, things turned out to be much worse.

Of course Dad had to return the day after Dean and Cas got together.

Sam was sure they hadn’t been a couple before; they would have let him know.

But cuddling apparently naked under the covers - yeah, that was rather a giveaway.

Dad was too astonished to say anything, and as Dean and Cas woke up and Sam was touched by his brother, instead of flinging himself at Dad, actually moving on top of his boyfriend (alright, that would take a little to get used to) he just stood and stared. 

“Dad?” Dean finally asked. He looked at Sam.

“No reaction”.

He nodded.

“Ahem - Dad - “ Clearly he was just as lost as Sam when it came to their formerly-dead father. 

“Hi”.

Dad was still staring.

“This is Cas” he introduced. 

Cas gave Dad a smile that was somewhat guarded and Sam wondered what opinion he had of their father. He had the feeling it wasn’t favorable. 

“We love each other” Cas supplied when Dean remained stupified, and the look on Dean’s face alone was worth it. 

Sam had never seen his brother so happy.

When Dad turned around without a word and slammed the door, he quickly told them “I’ll handle it. And congratulations, Cas - and jerk”.

He heard Dean faintly call “bitch” as he followed their father and got ready for another fight, but frankly he was too happy to care about yet another argument. 

It was worth it if it kept that smile on Dean’s face.


	15. Chapter 15

Dean’s first thought is that he feels fucking betrayed, because Cas is on a dating site and hasn’t told him about it. They are best friends, have been for two thirds of their lives, they are supposed to know stuff like this.

His second thought is that he just _got matched with Cas on a dating site. Matched. With Cas. On a dating site._

And it’s not like he can pretend it’s a coincidence, one of those maye-perhaps-alright-we-are-just-desperate-because-you-are-incompatible-with-the-human-race-in-general matches, ten percent at the most; no, this stupid site took one look at his profile and decided that he and Cas had a ninety-seven percent chance of getting it on.

_Ninety-seven._

He’s going to kill Sam for forcing him to join. He only did it to get him off his back; he never considered it a problem that he’s thirty-seven and single, relationships and children aren’t for everyone, but Sam, who settled down at the ripe age of twenty-three with Jess, wouldn’t shut up about it and here he is, staring at his best friend’s profile.

The worst of it is that, if he understands these stupid FAQs correctly, Cas will see it too. And he doesn’t want to have that conversation. Ever. 

Partly because Cas knows martial arts, mainly because - well, from an objective point of view, merely from an objective point of view, Cas is really hot. And nice. And smart. 

Dean came to accept that these attributes could belong to a guy as well as a girl a while back, but it’s completely different to allow himself to think about Cas in that way.

Because Cas is - Cas. Trench-coat wearing, animal-loving, children-comforting, generally awesome Cas, his best friend of over twenty years. There‘s no quesion that he’d probably go for it if he met him in a bar, but he’s spent freaking years with the guy right by his side, and no matter what a stupid algorythm thinks, they’ll never be - 

Not that Dean wants to, they’re friends, buddies, mates - 

Alright, so maybe sometimes he’s thought about it, in passing, but only tamely, like when they get mistaken for a couple and he decides he wouldn’t be against it, or that time they helped Sam and Jess move and Cas got all sweaty and looked hot and bothered - 

He’s not going to think about that. Nope. He has to think about how he’ll deal with this, because Cas is one of those guys who have to talk about something like that, like Sam. Dean would gladly just forget about it, but Cas won’t let him. 

Easy. It’ll be easy. He’ll make a few jokes, and if Cas should start looking for an explanation he can easily say that they’ve known each other since they were fourteen, and it’s not surprise that they’re compatible, they know each other inside out. 

He’ll conveniently leave out the part where, _hey, we’re actually really freaking compatible, maybe we should go for it,_ because of obvious problems that would arise. 

The reality of Cas loving him like a brother, for example. Not that that’s a bad thing, it’s a really really good thing and all Dean wants, can ever want, so, it’s awesome. Kind of. Sort of. 

Doesn’t matter, they’ll laugh it off and life will go on. 

They’re spending the evening together, like they do - well, most of the time, but something’s different. And Dean isn’t talking about the stupid sight.

Cas arrives, wearing a shirt that really compliments his eyes and his hair brushed, as if he suddely cared about his appearance when it comes to Dean of all people, who’s seen him exhausted, drunk and on one memorable occasion even high. 

He’s also carrying pie, so he decides not to question things to closely.

He just takes the box and grins. 

“Hey, Cas”.

“Hello, Dean”. 

He hands him the pie and they settle in to watch a movie, only Cas seems to be casting Dean glances all the time, or is he just imagining it because of this stupid site?

It’s in the middle of the movie when Cas suddenly says, “I didn’t know you had a profile on _Heavenly Matches_.”

Dean grimaces at the name.

“Sam made me do it. So you saw our match?”

God, is Cas moving closer? He inches backwards a bit and wonders why Cas frowns. Maybe because he doesn’t want to talk about it just like Dean. Good. They can leave it behind them then. 

“Pretty logical, right?”

“You think so?”

Okay, what’s up with Cas? He looks a little crazy, his eyes all wide and alight with - something.

“Sure. We’ve known each other for so long, of course we fit. That’s why we’re best friends, remember?”

Cas’ scoots away, his expression suddenly shut off. 

He nods.

That’s not how Dean wanted this to go. He pictured them laughing about it. 

“Good to know we still have us” he supplies, but that only causes Cas to move even farther away.

“I suppose” he says, and man, that hurst more than it should.

“Cas? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing” he says simply, but Dean won’t have it. Not when Cas made this uncomfortable and freaking weird in the first place. 

“It’s not my fault the stupid site picked us, you know” he replied, “We just match. Boo hoo. If you think that’s such a bad fate, you’re free too leave”.

That sounded more hostile than he feels, but in a way, he’s hurt. Maybe he thought the getup and pie were signs or something. Not seriously, but… a little. Alright, perhaps he was hoping - 

Doesn’t matter. 

“It’s not bad”.

“Fine, then snap out of it - “

“It’s good. Too good. Because I can’t have it”.

Dean blinks. 

“Come again?”

Cas sighs. 

“I have long ago accepted that we will never be together, but when I saw th match, I nonetheless hoped… I’m sorry. I hope we can - “

He doesn’t get further because suddenly Dean is kissing him, and there might be a big sappy love confession and more kissing later on, the movie forgotten.

He can already hear Sam say “I told you so”.

At least they can delete these stupid profiles on this stupid site.


	16. Chapter 16

It is difficult to take care of Dean. 

He is always ready to take care of everyone else - he gives Cas massages after a long day, cooks his favourite meal when he’s feeling down, cuddles him when he’s upset. 

He’s the same with his friends and family, especially his younger brother. 

But when it comes to himself, he’ll barely allow his boyfriend of three years to cook for him when Dean said he would, no matter how tired and beaten he comes home. 

Cas yearns to show him how much he means to him, to reciprocate the little gestures that always lighten up his day, but Dena always turns away, mumbling stuff like “Not a girl” or “No need to treat me with kid gloves, I’m fine”.

How Dean can consider getting spoiled a girl thing and accept certain of their activities in the last three years, Cas doesn’t know. 

Dean is the perfect boyfriend.

Except for the part that he doesn’t let be Cas just as perfect in return.

He’s grading papers on the couch, but he hasn’t slept well the last few days, after a fight with his father over the phone; Cas never asks, but he’s seen the sly glances, and he’s pretty sure he knows what they are fighting about, what they’re always fighting about. 

The exhaustion is slowly catching up with him; Cas watches his blinks grow slower and his shoulder drooping, and if their roles were reversed, Dean would have ushered him off to bed and left him there after a massage and a kiss half an hour ago.

But his boyfriend wouldn’t like it if he tried to do that, no matter how much Cas wishes he could make him feel better. 

However, when he sees Dean rubbing his temple, he’s had enough, steps up and starts massaging his neck. 

“Cas –“

He sounds tense. 

“You are grumpy when you have a headache, shut up” he says harshly, which is not how he wants to act, but it’s the only way for Dean to accept this.

He sighs and reluctantly leans back into Cas’ touch. A few minutes later, his eyes are closed and his breaths are slow and even, and Cas gently shakes his shoulder.

“Mmh?” he mumbles, opening one eye slightly.

“Maybe you should get some shut eye” Cas suggests. “I could make dinner”.

He should have known it wouldn’t work. Dean shakes himself awake and gets up. “Nah, it’s my turn.”

“Dean – “

“I told you, no problem, Cas”. 

With that, Dean disappears in the kitchen, pretending that he’s not about to fall asleep standing up.

Cas watches him struggle through dinner and even past his usual bed time because “this papers are not gonna grade themselves” and wants to just take his hand, lead him to bed and cuddle him like Dean does for him, but he’s not allowed. 

He lies awake for hours, Dean finally resting next to him, the distance between them feeling bigger than it is. 

He wants to hold him in his arms, comfort him, and he isn’t allowed. From the very first, Dean made it clear that he didn’t want to be “babied” and Cas has always let him deal with his problems the way he sees fit. But they have been together for three years, and he can’t help but feel that sometimes their relationship is one-sided.

What does it tell about them that Dean won’t allow him a simple hug when he’s upset, but will pay Cas every attention when he’s had a bad day? Doesn’t Dean trust him? Doesn’t Dean wish him to be as big a part of his life as he is of Cas?

This night it’s him who doesn’t get enough sleep, and when Dean tries to get him to take a nap the next day, promising to cook pasta and offering a massage, he snaps.

“I don’t need anything you don’t want from me in return!”

He slams the door of the bedroom, ignoring Dean’s stricken face.

They don’t talk much after that, they barely see each other. Cas knows he should apologize, but if he does, things are just going to return to how they were before, and after three years of it he can’t stand that anymore. 

They have only been living together for a few months, and he’s already screwed up, doesn’t know if he can fix this. 

The best relationship in his life, and it’s about to end because he was cranky.

He comes home one night and overhears Dean talking on the phone. He sounds sad, resigned even. Before Cas realized what he’s doing, he’s stepped silently up to the kitchen door and started eavesdropping.

“Should have known, Sammy. He made it clear he doesn’t want me anymore – no, he said “need”, but you get the drill. He’ll probably leave soon.”

A pause.

“Don’t. Just don’t. No one stays. You know that. And he was too good for me from the beginning”. 

The words pierce Cas, shaking him to his very core. Dean thinks he’ll leave, Dean thinks he doesn’t want him anymore.

Suddenly, it’s not difficult to talk to Dean. He barges in the kitchen, takes the phone, explains to Sam that he and Dean need to talk, hangs up and turns to look at his boyfriend. 

“Cas, what the – “

“I never said I didn’t want you”.

“You said – “

“Dean, I love it when you take care of me. But I want to do the same thing. I want to hold you when you’re sad, cuddle you when you had a bad day.”

Dean looks away.

“It’s not your job – “

“Yes, it is. We’re in a relationship, if you haven’t noticed”.

Dean looks back at him, silently pleading for him to stop.

“Cas – “

“Please, Dean. Let me look after you”.

And something in Dean crumbles, he can see it, and his gorgeous boyfriend starts trembling.

He’s holding him in his arms a moment later.

“Cas?” Dean asks against his shoulder.

“Mmh?”

“I could use a cuddle and some Dr. Sexy”.

Cas laughs.

It’s a start.  


	17. Chapter 17

Dean may not be the brightest, but he’s no idiot. 

He knows the signs. 

How often has he been through this? Whoever he’s dating at the moment suddenly having little to no time to spend with him. Cancelling dates at the last minute, unable to accompany him to family functions, returning home only to sleep.

Cas just happened to stay interested longer than anyone else, that’s all.

Hey, this time around he actually got to move in with someone _and_ pass the one-year-mark in their shared home, so that’s something.

It just feels worse because they’ve been together for over three years - more than he’s ever been with anyone else. Of course it feels worse. 

He pretends that’s the reason because pathetically declaring that Cas is the love of his life and staring out the rainy windows with emo music in the background is not an adult way of handling a breakup.

Apart from the fact that it’s a bright sunny day outside.

Cas is too good for him anyway, has always been too good for him. 

So it’s no big deal. Dean will have to move out and find an apartment, but he grew up on the road and is still an expert in packing - 

It’s a freaking big deal because Dean is going to lose the one person who ever made him feel _good enough_ , made him feel like he _belonged_ with someone, like he was living the dream life he’d watched Sam and Jess building together for years. 

He should end it. It’s not fair to keep Cas chained to him when it’s clear he wants out and is just trying to find the courage to tell him. He should assure him that it’s okay, that he knows, that it’s not important, that he’ll leave tomorrow.

He doesn’t. 

Because the few minutes he still gets to see him, to talk to him, even though Cas is tired and cranky and clearly not interested in anything he has to say and more or less swallows down the food Dean prepared in one gulp ( _they used to eat together, spoon-feeding each other, gentle touches and kisses interrupting the meal_ \- no, he can’t think about that, can’t let himself remember what he’ll soon no longer be allowed to have) before going to bed are still the highlight of his day.

It’s pathetic. It’s ridiculous. It’s unfair to Cas.

But he can’t leave. 

He sleeps poorly, lies awake for hours and looks at Cas because he can, because he still can, because he has to memorize every inch of the face he’s seen every day for the past three years for the time that’s to come, when he’ll be camping on Sam’s couch and later when he’ll return to an empty apartment each night. 

He wonders where he ever got the idea that he could have and keep Cas. A brilliant, kind, charming funny English teacher deciding to spend his life with Dean? Yeah, why doesn’t he take a trip to the moon first. 

His eyes grow wet when he remembers that he was looking at rings before Cas began keeping his distance and he realized it had been over a week since they last spoke. 

It’s been over two months now. 

Yesterday was their anniversary, and even though they never cared for dates, never even celebrated getting together because the important thing was that it _had_ happened, not _when_ , back when he still believed he had the right to ask for forever and insanely thought Cas might agree (seriously, _how_?) he planned the whole thing with making burgers and hiding a bottle of champagne in the fridge and getting down on one knee, Cas’ eyes sparkling in the candlelight - 

He uses a bit more force to get the bolt out than strictly necessary. 

Instead, he spent the evening alone watching television and eventually making pasta so Cas would have something to eat when he came home. 

He wasn’t hungry. 

He takes out his phone - no new messages, of course. What does it matter that they used to text constantly? Nothing when faced with the reality that it’s over and done with. 

He angrily rubs his eyes and goes back to fixing the Mustang. 

The evening will be bad enough as it is, because Cas once more doesn’t have the time to go with him to dinner at Bobby’s.

Turns out it’s even worse because Bobby and Jody and Sam and Jess don’t even try to hide the worrying stares anymore. Dean forces himself to eat although his throat is tight and closed off. 

He eventually goes to the kitchen under the pretext of needing a second beer - he just can’t take it anymore. 

He should have known Sam would follow him. 

“Hey, Sammy. Want a refill too?”

“Dean - “

“I worked on a Mustang all day, I’m telling you it’s a crime how some handle their wheels”.

“Dean - “

“I mean I know he’s a client and I should be grateful, but that gives him no right - “

“Dean!”

He sighs and looks away, worrying the lable on the yet un-opened beer bottle.

“What do you want, Sam?”

“Are you and Cas having problems?”

He snorts at the idea that he and Cas might have actual problems that could be worked out instead of Cas simply coming to his senses and realizing what a grunt he is.

“Nah. Just the usual”.

“The usual?”

He shrugs, still doesn’t look at his brother. 

“He doesn’t want me anymore. No big deal”.

“He broke up with you?”

“Not yet. Won’t be long now”.

He sounds flat and dejected, not calm and resigned how he wants, but the pain is still too new, too raw. Give him a few months. Give him time to adjust, to remember he’s meant to be alone, to forget soft smiles and bright blue eyes if that’s possible. 

He doubts it. 

“Dean - “

“Don’t, Sammy. He grew tired of me. I should have known. Everyone does. Lisa, Cassie - hell, even Benny”. 

He and Benny stayed friends at least, and good ones at that. 

He doubts he and Cas will.

Most likely he’ll never see him again after he moves out. 

His brother hugs him and he manages not to tear up.

“You know you can always…”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Thanks, bro”. 

None of the others mention Cas during the rest of the evening, and he’s grateful.

When he drives into the garage, he wonders how often he’ll still be able to, and for a moment it’s hard to breathe. 

Cas is sitting in the living room, obviously waiting for him, and for a moment, Dean believes that this is it. 

He feels dizzy. He wants to scream and cry and most of all beg.

He just stands there and greets Cas. What good would it do? He’s not going to make this hard for the man who’s been nothing but the perfect boyfriend since he decided to take pity on the mechanic with the helpless crush. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go with you” Cas begins.

“We all missed you” Dean tells him and tries not to imagine how much longer that will be the case.

He’s starting to suspect that he’ll be the annoying uncle of Sam’s grandkids and still miss him. 

“I know I haven’t had much time for you lately” Cas continues. Dean nods.

“How about I take you to dinner this Wednesday to make it up to you?”

And boy, does Dean know this routine too. Take him to a nice dinner, smile, charm him for one last evening and then break the news as gently as possible. 

He could tell him that it’s unnecessary. Cas isn’t even looking at him, for crying out loud.

But… one last dinner. One last evening. One last time of Cas truly paying him attention.

It’s too much to pass up. 

“Sound great” he manages to say and somehow sound glad, and Cas looks so relieved that he wants to break something.

And the last five days it is, then. They don’t pass much differently from the weeks before, but there’s a special significance to them regardless. 

Now, when Dean kisses him hello and goodbye, he knows how many times he’ll still be able to, and it hurts. It hurts more than any of the others. 

On Tuesday evening, he meets Sam for a beer and tells him they have dinner reservation for tomorrow, and the hope in his brother’s eyes is almost too much. 

“Don’t get your hopes up. I can give you a list of exes who’ve broken up with me after a nice date”.

Sam obviously doesn’t know what to say.

“It’s okay.”

It isn’t.

“Just… expect me tomorrow night. I’ll need somewhere to stay”.

He squeezes his shoulder.

For now, it’s enough. 

As relaxing as the evening with Sam was, it does nothing to prepare him for the next.

It’s simultaneously the best and the worst time he’s had in months.

The best because Cas is there, finally there with him, smiling and laughing and listening to him and holding his hand during dinner.

The worst because he knows exactly what brought this on, that Cas is feeling guilty and perhaps a bit nostalgic, that these last few moments mean much more to Dean that he’ll ever know. 

They’re done with desert, and Dean knows from experience what will follow, and Cas is looking at the table and the walls and the ceiling, anywhere but at him, and that’s as sure a sign as Dean is ever going to get, and he grabs his shirt collar and drags him into a kiss.

It’s desperate and selfish, but he needs this. Just one last kiss. One last kiss to remember on Sam’s hard couch later.

He’s pleasantly surprised when Cas kisses him back passionately, running his finger through Dean’s hear, massaging his tongue with his own in a way only Cas can. 

They let go and it was the best last kiss he could ask for and Dean wants to cry but holds back. He’ll have all the time in the world to do that later. 

“I - haven’t been around as much as I should have been” Cas starts. “And I’m very sorry”.

Ah. Cas is going to go with the It’s-not-you-it’s-me-speech. Not that it’s true, but it’s a nice touch. 

“I shouldn’t have worked so much, but I needed they money, and I tried so hard to find it in time for our anniversary, even though I know you think it’s lame - “

Okay, now he’s lost Dean. He’d be much obliged if Cas could just get to the point, so he can start with the pining and asking himself where he went wrong. 

_When you first asked him out, you dumbass._

His inner monologues isn’t helping matters. 

“I’m not doing a very good job, am I?” Cas laughs and Dean has to agree. This is miles away from Benny’s short and painless “We’re better as friends” approach (by that time, Dean had come to agree with him, so it really wasn’t that bad) or Lisa’s sympathetic yet business-like explanation (alright, that did hurt, but nothing like this will).

“What I want to say, is… I wanted to give you this”.

He hands Dean a cassette tape.

He looks at it, confused, then realizes it’s an incredibly rare AC/DC best of whose released got scraped before more than five copies could be made, so this is Cas’ idea of a goodbye present, thoughtful and valuable and perfect, and it’s official, Dean will spend the rest of his life alone listening to _Hell’s Bells_ and crying his heart out. 

“Cas - “

He does sound as teary as he feels now, and he’s shocked when tears actually start to fall. He didn’t want to make a scene. Cas doesn’t deserve that.

He’s even wiping away his tears now. God, why does he have to be so perfect? Dean is certain that he fell in love with him all over again in the last five minutes alone; how he’s supposed to handle being left after this?

The thought makes him cry harder.

“Dean, Dean, please, I wanted to make you happy”.

_Then don’t break up with me.  
_

Cas’ hands drop from his face and Dean realized he actually said that out loud.

_Please no._

“You - but why - Why would you think - “ Cas begins and that’s Dean’s chance. 

“Look, I get it. I’ve had this happen to me - I’ve seen it before. It’s no big deal. Not your fault you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a dumb mechanic - “

Apparently Cas’ answer is to kiss him, hard, right there in the restaurant. Dean isn’t complaining if it gets this done sooner. 

He’s helplessly confused when Cas stops kissing him and suddenly his boyfriend is down on one knee.

“I wanted to do this in private, but - God damnit, Dean, what do I have to do to convince you you deserve this, you deserve _everything_?”

He stares at the ring in Cas’ hand.

It’s beautiful. Simple and elegant with a small green stone at the top, the shade of Dean’s eyes, and oh God, did he get the wrong memo, and Cas actually looks pissed now, so he all but pounces on him, shouting “YES!” loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear.

At least it gets them their meal for free, and Cas puts the ring on his finger, but still looks both sad and pissed.

Later, they’re sitting in the Impala and he says, quietly, “I kept a distance because I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Didn’t tell anyone, because of the same reason”.

“Trust me, it was a surprise” Dean answers, staring at the ring on his finger and the tape in his other hand.

“I wanted to give you more than a ring”. A pause.

Cas’ hand takes his, a finger strokes over the ring.

“So you want to marry me? You want forever? Just so we’re on the same page”.

“Yeah, Cas” Dean says. “Yeah, it’s forever”.

And, believe it or not, they finally feel happy after that. 

Much later, Cas asleep on his chest, Dean’s phone rings.

It’s Sam.

Cas is dead to the world, so he picks up.

“Hey, Sammy.”

“Dean! I was worried - “

“Yeah, about that… I might have been mistaken.”

“What do you mean?”

Dean looks at his hand once more, the ring reflecting the pale light of the moon. 

“I mean you finally get to repay me for throwing you the best bachelor party the world has ever seen”. 

And Sam’s scream actually wakes Cas up after all, and he has a disgruntled fiancé on his hands. 

Oh well. He has forever to make it up to him.


	18. Not Exactly Expected

_Sammy, it’s me. I just want to talk. Just tell me you’re alright, okay?_

_Hey, Sam. I guess you’ll delete this without listening to it, but anyway - happy birthday, bro._

_You’re starting law soon, right? Not that I know or anything, but… little know-it-all like you… I’m sure you made it.  
_

_I know you haven’t picked up in years, and I shouldn’t be trying to reach you anyway, so I won’t anymore. I get it. Take care, Sam.  
_

These were just a few of the messages Dean had left him over the years. Contrary to his brother’s expectations, he’d listened to and kept every last one of them. 

The last one had been left over two years ago. At first he hadn’t believed that Dean would give up, but eventually he’d admitted to himself that he had never picked up, had never called back. Even someone as stubborn as his brother would give up after a while. 

Even though he’d felt at the time that he had to leave, and was still convinced he had done the right thing, it had hurt to leave Dean behind. Of course he hadn’t understood; how was he supposed to believe that the little brother he’d looked after all his life moving away would be a good thing?

There had been a fight. Dean had been stubborn, but it was Sam who’d told him not to contact him, that he would never react if Dean tried to reach out.

He’d regretted the words soon enough. He wondered what the last few years would have been liked if he’d reached out and he and Dean had been able to work through their differences; imagined visits from his big brother, trying to embarrass him in front of Jess. 

Sam wasn’t the angry young man of eighteen who’d left home never to come back. He was almost twenty-seven, had passed his bar exam and, more than anything, wanted to celebrate it properly with his big brother.

Which was why he was currently standing in front of the small apartment building he’d grown up in, where Dad had moved them after the fire that killed Mum and destroyed their home. 

He had tried to call Dean, but the number was no longer available. Sadly, his brother didn’t believe in social media - he didn’t even have a facebook account. So his only way of reaching him was throug Dad. He could of course have called him, but he wouldn’t have picked up.

So he’d taken a plane.

Most likely, Dean still worked at their father’s garage and lived with him, picking up bottles every morning.

Sam swallowed. He had never contemplated what life he’d left his brother to lead.

It was done, however, and all he could do now was try to talk to him, make peace. He had no such hope for his father; every bond there had been broken and, in fact, it had been Dean who raised him and not the drunk man who’d now and then pat his head and tell him he was “the smart one in the family”.

A woman he didn’t recognize - eight years, he told himself again, it had been eight years since he’d left - exited the building as he was about to ring the bell near the faded label “Winchester” (a small alarm rang out in his mind; hadn’t Dean always been careful to replace it with a new one?”) and let him in with a smile. 

His throat was too tight to attempt to thank her, but he smiled back.

The smile dropped as soon as he set foot in the familiar hallway, stared at the old thin carpet. 

He took a deep breath before he knocked. 

It took a long time to open. 

He hadn’t realized the toll eight years would take on his father, especially if spent like the eighten before them. 

His face was wrinkled and his clothes dirty; even at this early hour, he’d clearly been drinking. 

“Knew you’d come running back”.

“Hello, Dad” Sam said calmly.

“Don’t “hello” me. If you wanna come crawling home because you couldn’t - “

“Where’s Dean?”

Dad gave him a dirty look.

“It was always ‘bout him, wasn’t it? “Dean, will you read to me?” “Dean, can you help me with my homework?” Never wasted a thought on your old man”. 

Sam repressed the urge to talk back to him. Finding his brother was more important. 

“Where is he, Dad?”

“Damned if I know. Just took off a while back, the little fairy”.

Sam felt his heart beating faster at the insult. Dean had never been able to make Dad proud, as much as he tried to, but he had never insulted him, not like this.

“Where. Is. He?”

“I told you, don’t know. And after what he did - don’t care. Come back when you’ve learned to treat me with respect”.

He slammed the door, but Sam had no inclination to continue the conversation.

Dean had apparently left quite some time before, he thought, remembering the label downstairs. 

But where could he have gone? He had, Sam remembered, feeling guilty, little to no friends - 

Bobby. Of course. Their father’s old friend in Sioux Falls. If anyone knew where Dean was, it was him.

Sam thankfully found that he’d never deleted his number. 

He picked up on the first ring, as he always had.

“Yes?”

“Bobby, it’s me”. Then, feeling silly, he added, “Sam Winchester”.

A pause.

“You sure took your time to call, boy. I understand your need to get out, but did you really have to leave Dean hanging? He was pretty bummed for a long time”.

“I know, Bobby, and I’m sorry. But I’,m looking for him and Dad doesn’t know where he is - “

Unexpectedly, Bobby chuckled.

“Don’t suppose he does. He’s in Topeka”.

“Topeka?”

“Moved there with his partner about one year back”.

So Dean had a partner. He’d been a strictly one-night-only guy when Sam had left, but a lot could and had changed in eight years. 

Sam would like to meet her. And he’d like Dean to get to know Jess.

“Can you tell me - “

“Of course, you idjit. You really think I would keep you and your brother apart? Just let me know how it went”.

Sam had the feeling that Bobby was holding something back, but he really should see for himself. He wondered what kind of life Dean had built with his girlfriend in Topeka.

Bobby soon sent him the address.and he was of in his rental.

He sat far longer in front of the (admittedly much nicer) building his brother lived in than he had in Lawrence. He had known how Dad would greet him. He had no idea whether Dean would be happy to see him.

Eventually, he forced himself to get out and find the apartment with a cheery sign declaring “Winchester & Novak”. His girlfriend, apparently.

Sam knocked and only realized when a stranger opened that he couldn’t have expected Dean to be there in the middle of the day. 

The man was smaller than Sam, but of athletic build; he had dark hair and very blue eyes. He had certainly never seen him before; perhaps he was a friend Dean had made here. Still, it was weird that he should answer someone else’s door.

He was about to introduce himself when the man said, “Sam Winchester”.

He was taken aback, and the chuckled.

“I am sorry. I know I tend to make people uncomfortable with my directness. Dean has a lot of pictures of you”. 

Of course he had. Sam had taken none with him that day. 

“Please come in”. As Sam stepped over the trteshhold, he introduced himself with, “I’m Castiel Novak, Dean’s boyfriend. You can call me Cas”.

Sam needed a second to register what he’d said.

_Dean’s boyfriend._

“What?” he blurted out. 

Cas wasn’t surprised. 

“It was something of a surprise for some when we got together” he explained. “It was part of why we relocated”.

It was easy to guess what he wasn’t saying out loud. Sam remembered Dad calling Dean “little fairy” and shuddered. He hadn’t taken it literally at the time.

Then he realized his reaction could very well be taken the wrong way. 

“It is a surprise. I’m just glad Dean found someone”. A pregnant pause. “I assume he told you everything?”

“He did. And he’ll be glad to see you”.

“Really?”

Cas nodded. 

“Would you like some coffee while you wait?”

Ten minutes later, a steaming cup before him, Sam asked, “When does he get back from work?”

“He’s in class. It finished about now”.

“Class?”

“He’s studying to be a teacher.”

Today was just full of surprises, but to his own astonishment, Sam wasn’t really that shocked. So Dean was with a dude. So what? Dad hadn’t liked it. Big surprise. But Bobby was evidently still in contact with him. And Dean as a teacher - it fit. He’d always been good with kids.

He made smalltalk with Cas and learned that he was a DA, which gave them enough food for conversation until the door opened. 

He should have waited, should have allowed Cas to prepare Dean, but the impulse that had brought him here was too strong and propelled him to the door before he could think about it. 

His brother’s call for Cas died on his lips.

“Sam?!”

“Hey” he began lamely. “I wanted to see you”.

“You did?”

Dean sounded incredulous.

Sam winced. “Yeah, I do. For a really long time actually”.

Dean blinked. “So you just - how did you know where I was?”

“Bobby”.

“Of course. Couldn’t give me a call”.

Suddenly, Cas was next to them, grabbing a trench coat.

“We still need a few things for dinner.” He kissed Dean. “Be back soon.”

With that, he was gone.

“That was him being subtle” Dean informed Sam. 

Sam shook his head. 

“He’s… different”.

“Yeah” Dean said, and the look on his face proved once and for all that Sam’s brother was in love. “Yeah, he is”.

“You know I don’t care right?”

“Trust me, Sammy; I always knew that”.

It could easily be read two ways, but for now he was glad Dean wasn’t angry at him. 

“Dean, I know it’s much to ask, but… could we start over? I’d really like to know Cas. I’d really like to know _you_. And there’s someone I like you to meet”.

“Sounds awesome. But how about we start with dinner?”

And half an hour later, when Sam saw Cas steal a fry from Dean’s plate and Dean rolled his eyes in his brother’s direction, he knew everything would be alright.


	19. Healthy Betrayal

It took Sam exactly three weeks to realize Cas was a sneaky bastard.

And even then, he only found out because their friend overacted for once. 

He walked into the kitchen and right into Cas showing Dean books about nutrition and claiming, “But how can I know they’re good for me?” in a voice that was just a little too high-pitched to be genuine. 

Dean, who really should have noticed since he seemed to be at Cas’ side constantly these days, remained oblivious as he answered, “There’s all kinds of vitamines in vegetables, trust me, they are good for you - “

“But you never eat them” Cas interrupted him wide-eyed, the picture of pure innocence. 

And Dean, stammering, confused, blushing, fell for it. 

“Well, I guess - maybe I’ve been - but that’s no excuse - you’re pretty new to all this… stuff - let’s say I’ll eat it with you?” He turned around, saw Sam and blushed even deeper. 

“Hey, Sammy, care for some rabbit food?”

He didn’t see the triumphant gleam in Cas’ eyes. Sam did.

And from that moment on, he knew what Cas was doing.

Had been doing since he stepped into the bunker, human once and for all.

He was looking after him, as always.

_While pretending that Dean was looking after him.  
_

Cas had been one of Heaven’s greatest soldiers, leader of his garrison; were they really supposed to think that he had no idea how being human worked, even though he’d watched humanity for millenia, spent years fighting with them and had been human before? Yet somehow Sam had fallen for it just like Dean had. 

Fallen for Cas staring at a label of a particularly unhealthy brand of pie and loudly wondering what it meant that “this contains 50% sugar, Dean, didn’t you tell me that too much sugar wasn’t good for me? Why should it be good for you?” and Dean grumbling, putting it back and choosing a healthier alternative.

Fallen for Cas watching, waiting until Dean opened the fridge again and calling out, “But Dean, if you have more than three units of alcohol a day it can’t be that bad?” and his older brother frowning and taking a bottle of water instead. 

Fallen for Cas popping a DVD in at 2 am and telling a protesting Dean, “You always stay up far longer; I don’t see why less than five hours sleep are bad for me, then” and Dean deciding right there that he was turning in and dragging Cas with him.

Cas was forcing Dean to live a healthier life without him even realizing it. 

And, Sam had to admit, studying his brother preparing lunch later that day, a big enough dose of vegetables being used for once, it showed. 

Dean had never looked bad, not really, but he looked bette now regardless. The bags that seemed to have been under his eyes since he’d been four years old were gone, he looked relaxed and was even whistling while chopping the vegetables, and the drink next to him was once again mineral water. 

Cas had no idea that Sam was on to him, but Sam certainly had no intention of stopping him. 

Neither in his mission to get Dean healthy and happy, nor in… a more delicate matter, he decided when Cas brushed past him and asked Dean if he could help, and when his finger’s touched Dean’s as he handed him a knife, his brother actually blushed like a teenager with a crush. 

He went to read some more before lunch, grinning to himself. 

Life went on.

And Cas’ plan worked extremely well.

During a hunt for a Djinn, Dean was thrown against a wall and bummed his head pretty bad; he insisted he wasn’t hurt, and considering he would never risk their safety during hunts by pretending he could go on when he couldn’t, Sam believed him. 

He could see that the hit on the head made Dean rather tired in the next few days, but he didn’t think much about it until he walked into Dean’s and Cas’ room (of course they always share, these days) and caught his brother napping. 

“Dean informed me some time again that head injuries make people tired. I insisted he lay down if that was the case” Cas informed him and for a moment Sam was tempted to ask, but he didn’t. It was enough that they both looked after Dean in their own way. And that he actually listened to Cas when it came to his well-being. 

His brother condition, as well as his mood, continued to improve; soon Sam thought nothing about finding his well-rested brother in the bunker’s kitchen when he woke up, dancing to the radio he’d insisted on buying, more often than not preparing some new dish he felt Cas had to try. 

He didn’t realize just how much of a difference it made until Garth paid them a visit (at new moon, of course) and hugged Dean, exclaiming “Looking good, man”. 

His brother _did_ look good. And a few years ago, he would have used that to his advantage - he certainly got hit on even more in bars. But he always stayed with them. 

To be precise, he stayed with Cas, to make sure his precious angel didn’t accidentally choose the wrong brand of beer.

Sam would have rolled his eyes, only that he was certain that Dean wouldn’t even have noticed with Cas next to him. 

Cas, meanwhile, flourished in the attention Dean bestowed on him. Sam had never seen him happier. 

At least he thought so until the evening everything changed. And nothing changed. 

It didn’t matter, they were all happy afterwards, so who cared.

They’d successfully hunted down a Wendigo and were out celebrating when Cas casually asked, “What am I supposed to do when someone “catches my eye” as you put it?”

Dean, as always oblivious to certain things, looked crushed for a second before he cleared his throat and began, “Well, women like it - “

“But what if it’s not a woman, Dean?”

Dean coughed. This time, Sam did roll his eyes.

“Sorry, man - I have no idea how to pick up guys”.

“I don’t want to “pick him up”, Dean. I want to have a relationship with him”.

“But that’s - do you even know - where did you even find this guy?”

Now Sam was really hoping Cas would put him out of his misery. 

He did.

“I pulled him out of Hell” he said matter-of-factly.

Then he kissed Dean.

And his brother, pulling back a moment later, stuttered, flushed, tried to say something, then proceeded to shrug his shoulders and pull him back in. 

But right before he did, Cas _winked at Sam_. 

Yeah. His best friend was definitely a sneaky bastard.

Sam could live with it.

And from what he was witnessing at that moment, Dean could too.


	20. Sleep

He had had many names over the course of the years. 

These days, humans were calling him Castiel; it was not as complicated or senseless as others, but he still preferred the name a long dead people had given him, the name that described what he did best.

_Ὕπνος._

Sleep.

His duty was it to bring peaceful oblivion to troubled minds, to sooth pain and need; and yet to punish those who were guilty by not letting them rest or bestow nights filled with terrible visions upon them. 

He was fulfilled. He performed his tasks well; contrary to the story humans had been telling their children for hundreds of years, he didn’t appear and spill sands in everyone’s eyes to send them to sleep; he didn’t even have to in the country to do so. True, he made mortals fall asleep every time he touched them, and he did so on a regular basis when he felt he needed to spend more time amidst his Father’s creations.

The brother he was closest to, Gabriel, for generations revered as a Trickster, kept insisting that he had drawn a difficult lot; but Castiel had never understood his inclination to take mortal lovers. He would never be able to, but neither did he crave for the touch of another. 

He was flying through Lawrence, Kansas; he always made sure to keep track of the names humans bestowed upon their cities, no matter how short-lived they might be. 

It was night, and he could feel that many people were asleep, most perfectly happy, others haunted by nightmares. It was all part of the true and right balance of the world. 

But then he felt a sight discrepancy, a disturbance, heard the cry of a soul calling out for rest and in the blink of an eye, he was standing in the living room of a man who was still watching tv despite the late hour.

Castiel read his mind. Not by choice. 

The man was called Dean Winchester. And he couldn’t sleep. Ever since his mother had burned in their house and he had been given the responsibility of raising his younger brother at the age of four, he had trouble drifting off.

Castiel could help him.

He gently touched his forehead.

To his astonishment, Dean Winchester didn’t immediately fall fast asleep like everyone else he had ever touched. He yawned and blinked, but nothing else.

Castiel reached out again; and this time, without being able to say why, he let his hand linger on Dean Winchester’s face, gently stroking along his cheekbones.

It worked; his eyes fluttered closed and he finally slumped down on the sofa.

Castiel should have left, like he always did, but for some reason, he didn’t want this man to wake up with a stiff neck, and he picked him up and carried him to his bedroom. 

He was finally about to fly away, after having spent too long staring at Dean Winchester’s beauty, when he realized that he was only lightly asleep, that his body would force itself awake in four hours and twenty minutes.

He needed his rest.

Castiel put his hands on his shoulderblades and projected calm and relaxation, and after a few minutes, Dean’s breathing deepened.

He would sleep peacefully through the night, for once.

Castiel left.

* * *

Sam looked at his watch again. Dean was never late for their lunch dates, and he was starting to get worried.

Just as he was pulling his phone out, his brother stormed into the diner, his hair askew.

“Dean?”

“Sorry” he breathed, sitting down, “I overslept”. 

Sam didn’t comment on it, but he couldn’t have heard a better answer. Dean had been having trouble sleeping for years; to have him finally sleep through a night was great news. He didn’t even have bags under his eyes. 

* * *

Castiel didn’t understand why he kept visiting Dean Winchester. He could, should have left him to his fate, whether this meant sleeping or not, but he was there every night to ensure he could slip into his dreams easily. 

He asked Gabriel if he knew what was wrong with him, and for the first time in their existence, his brother looked at him with pity.

“Oh, Castiel” he sighed and he didn’t comprehend until he arrived at Dean’s apartment that night and saw him kissing a woman. 

He knew she was one of his one night stands; he had read his soul, felt its beauty and the loneliness that sometimes prompted him to search companions for the night. 

But still he felt something tearing, clawing at him, in him, and he looked upon them kissing again and understood and left. 

He could never touch Dean Winchester. Not in the way he wanted to, with him there to feel it, cherish it as Castiel cherished him. 

He put to sleep everyone he touched. 

His brother had been right.

His lot was unfair and cruel.

He was confused as to why there were suddenly wet spots on his shirt until he realized he was crying. 

He hadn’t known he could.

And yet he still returned every night, feeling desire burning him. 

* * *

“Dean?” Sam asked, “are you alright?”

He blinked.

“Yeah, sure, Sammy. Sorry. I’m fine”.

But he wasn’t. Not really.

He wasn’t really not fine either, though.

It was stupid, but he was concerned for someone he had seen in a dream.

In many dreams.

Every night.

A beautiful man with blue eyes and dark hair, wearing a trench coat, right in his apartment. 

The past few days, he had looked so sad, so full of anguish. 

Dean wished to comfort him, take him into his arms, but every time he reached out, the man vanished. 

It was crazy.

But still he longed to touch him.

* * *

Castiel was feeling strange as he appeared in Dean’s apartment on yet another night.

Almost… weary. Almost… like he wanted to sit down.

Almost… _tired_.

But he didn’t get tired. He was sleep himself. 

“It’s you” a voice said reverently and he looked into the eyes of Dean Winchester, who was studying him, hope in his eyes.

“I’m awake” he announced and moved towards Castiel. 

As his arms enircled the God of sleep, Cas murmured “You are”.

 _Not for long_ , he wanted to add, but Dean’s arms were warm and comforting, and his eyes were heavy, and it was difficult to think.

He woke up - _woke up_ \- in Dean’s bed and Dean’s arms were still holding him, and he turned around and Dean was smiling and saying, “Best night’s sleep I’ve ever gotten” and Dean kissed him. 

They separated and Dean asked quietly, “Will you tell me now where you come from?”

His hand was lying over Castiel’s beating, fluttering, _human_ heart.

Cas smiled and kissed him again.


	21. Meet The Family

“It’s just… weird.”

“If you are saying what I think you’re saying, Winchester, I’m throwing that ring right back into your face.”

He laughed, able to tell that Jess didn’t mean it. 

“Nah, I don’t have a problem with it being a guy. God knows he’s been mooning over Doctor sexy long enough for me to figure certain things out. It’s just - Dean is in a relationship”.

“Yes he is” Jess confirmed, still not understanding. 

“In a relationship”.

She raised an eyebrow.

“In a committed, monogamous relationship. My brother”.

“I don’t find that surprising. Remember Lisa?”

“I do, that’s why it’s strange! We all know how it ended…”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you underestimate your brother sometimes”. 

“Yeah” he said, mustering his girlfriend - no, fiancée - cook the meat because she was convinced he was far better at preparing salad than “anything substantial”. “Maybe you’re right”.

After all, the last thing he would have expected was Dean being so open about his attraction to guys.

And, if he was being honest, Dean sounding so smitten. After he had listened to his brother vainly trying to describe the exact shade of his new boyfriend’s eyes, he had decided he had to meet him. 

Because apparently Cas was going to stick around for a according to Dean’s wishes.

Cas. Castiel. The name of an angel, said the man himself, and Dean didn’t seem far away from taking it literally.

He smiled.

It was nice to know that his brother was happy. They hadn’t had the easiest start in life. Dean deserved all the luck he got.

And if Cas held what Dean promised, it was indeed a stroke of luck that they had met. 

Not because he was a well-paid lector in one the country’s biggest publishing companies but because he was nice to Dean and constantly surprised him with dates or burgers at work.

Dean needed someone to take care of him. 

So he was rather curious about this Castiel. And he really wanted to make a good impression himself.

He knew Dean.

His brother had surely talked him up beyond all reasonable measure. 

Jess pushed a cup of coffee in his hands and smiled. They never needed much words.

Then it was six o’ clock and Dean, punctual as ever, was right at the door with his boyfriend.

“Sam, Jess, this is Cas” he announced and Sam didn’t believe he’d used that tone of voice for introducing anyone else than him yet. 

He studied the blue-eyed man with the dark hair and serious smile; he was not what he would have supposed was Dean’s type, but it didn’t matter. 

Nothing mattered. Nothing except for the fact that Dean was grinning brightly and holding Cas’ hand and looking like he was on cloud nine. 

Jessica was beaming back, obviously thrilled; and soon, Sam came to the conclusion that he agreed with her.

Because Cas wasn’t just nice. He wasn’t just smart. He wasn’t just charming in an admittedly now and then strange kind of way.

Sam had been wrong about him caring for Dean.

He _adored_ Dean. 

He corrected Dean when his brother put himself down again to compliment either Sam or his boyfriend, insisted he was smart, held his hand during dinner, talked about them taking a holiday when Dean had never been on a holiday - well, ever.

His brother was being spoiled.

And Sam loved every minute of it. 

He hadn’t seen his brother blush that much since he was a high schooler and going out on his first date. 

But he still really wanted to talk to Cas alone. 

The opportunity presented itself later that evening when Jess forced Dean to help her put away leftovers - obviously with the design of allowing them to talk.

And it was only then that Sam realized that Cas was drawing as much confidence from Dean as Dean was from Cas (Sam had just about chocked on his drink when he’d mentioned casually that he was thinking of taking a course at community college).

He was avoiding Sam’s eyes.

“Cas? You okay there?”

He figured it was best to be direct. Dean had told him Cas was more comfortable with people telling him the truth than being polite.

It worked.

“I’m just - I want to make a good impression” he admitted. “You are very important to Dean, and I’m not really good with people - “

“Trust me, Cas, you’re good enough. Especially when you keep that smile on his face”. He paused. “Scratch that. ONLY if you keep that smile on his face”.

Cas’ eyes flew to the kitchen door, and he smiled, the soft, happy smile Sam recognized, the one he undoubtedly wore when he looked at Jess. 

Cas was as much in love with Dean as Dean was in love with Cas. 

“I intend to” Cas said softly. 

Sam raised his glass.

“I’ll drink to that”.

* * *

“Do you think he likes him?” Dean inquired anxiously.

“Which way around?” Jess asked. “Sam - Cas or Cas - Sam?”

He glared at her. “Both, of course.”

“Dean” Jess sighed. If this was going were she thought this was going, then there was the hole problem in a nutshell. “First of all, yes. On both. And second: Would it matter?”

Dean had always been ready to drop anything and anyone when it came to Sam.

He frowned at her then declared, “No”.

That night, after they had left, Jess turned to Sam and said, “He’s going to marry him”.

She was proven right two years later.


	22. Ever Just Friends

“And Cas can’t come with you because…”

“I told you - we’re not together”.

“You know, after two years that excuse falls rather flat”.

“Let it go, Sam”.

Of course his little brother doesn’t and that’s how Dean ends up promising to invite Cas to Sam’s birthday party.

All because they’ve stumbled over another a few times during the last two years Cas’ and Dean’s … agreement has been in place. 

And agreement that’s only there in the first place because Dean happened to fall asleep in Cas’ bed after a one night stand. 

So there. Just random sex. Nothing whatsoever to say about it. They have awesome sex. And are friends. Kind of. They watch movies together and meet up for lunch and dinner and even took a short road trip together a few months ago, so that means they’re friends, right? Friends with benefits, Dean supposes.

And that’s fine. That’s totally, completely fine by him. It’s not like either of them is interested in anything more, like dating and hand holding and cuddling and all that stuff. Why should he be, thinking of Cas, with his cute squint and his backwards tie and his shy smile when he talks about bees…

Alright. So maybe Dean wouldn’t exactly object to being more than friends with benefits if they were to discuss the possibility, but he certainly won’t say anything. 

He knows how it would end. 

On the one side Cas, smart, hot, kind, Harvard graduate. Har-vard.

On the other side, Dean.

Dean.

Yeah, it’s best not to think about it.

But somehow Cas and Sam got on the few times they met because Dean didn’t have the heart to kick Cas out the day before his brother came to visit when he was stil at college. 

And now he has to invite Cas to his brother’s birthday party and make clear it is totally not a date. 

Because it isn’t. 

Because again, Cas and date Dean… unlikely.

So going as friends because Sam wants Cas there it is. 

He asks him three days before the party; he’s making burgers in his kitchen and Cas just let himself in with the key Dean gave him against his better judgement because Cas had casually given him his first, and he wraps his arms around Dean from behind and kisses his neck gently, and as always, he refuses to relax into him too much. Now and then, Cas gets all cuddly. It’s usually followed by hours of avoiding eye contact and looking ashamed of himself. 

Again, as if Dean needed any more proof that bringing up, _Hey, we’ve been doing this for a while, how about you marry me and never ever leave?_ would not be a good idea. 

“Hello, Dean” Cas mumbles against his skin. 

“Hey” Dean replies. “Long day?”

Cas sighs. “I still think it should be obvious why we need more money for research.”

“To save people” Dean says immediately. “Even I can see that, and I’m pretty much an idiot”. 

Cas’ grasp on him tightens unexpectedly. 

“Don’t say that” he answers, quietly, stubbornly, and Dean doesn’t recognize that tone of voice at all. Just when he was convinced he understood Cas perfectly…

“Yeah, yeah. Burgers are almost done”.

Cas’ arms drop from his waist and he tells himself that he doesn’t feel a sense of loss. Cas is right there, for Christ’s sake. Sure, he has no idea how much longer he’ll be around, not when someone amazing can appear and sweep him off his feet anytime and really, it’s bound to happen with someone as wonderful as Cas, it’s a miracle he hasn’t grown tired of Dean yet.

And suddenly, going to the party with Cas sounds… rather nice. Because he’ll get to pretend and no one else especially not Cas, will know. He’ll go there and he’ll pretend for a bit that he’s actually showing off his gorgeous boyfriend, and when this is over, at least he’ll have had this. 

“Sam’s birthday party is on Saturday” he says as casually as he can, “I was wondering if you wanted to come with me”.

He’s taken aback when he looks up and Cas is grinning, his eyes wide and happy.

“I would love to, Dean.”

This makes no sense. Sure, he likes Sam, but why should he be so excited for the party of a man he’s only met a few times unless - 

Dean’s stomach drops. His appetite is gone.

_Of course._

Sam. Nice, kind, friendly, unbelievably smart, Yale graduate, lawyer.

He should have seen it sooner. 

He looks down on his plate so he won’t see Cas’ grin - it still hasn’t left his face - anymore.

Of course the man he’s been more or less in love with since he bumped into him at the mall and apologized profusely, holding up a small glass jar and explaining that “he was just trying to get the beed to safety” has a thing for his brother. 

It explains why he’s stuck with Dean’s sorry ass for so long. 

During the days until the party, Dean realizes he’s actually relieved. Not happy. But relieved.

At least he knows. At least he knows there’s not a snowball’s in Hell’s chance Cas would ever look at him like he’s anything special. And why should he, while Sam is around.

They don’t see one another before Saturday, Cas is busy with his research and Dean with wallowing in self-pity.

Because if there’s one thing that’s not fair, it’s that he keeps clinging to Cas when he knows exactly who he wants and it’s not Dean.

So he’ll end it after the party. No harm done. Just another - no, not even another breakup. Just Dean being left on the curb once more. It’s nothing new. 

Who knows, maybe Sam actually reciprocates. Little Nerd hasn’t been in a relationship in forever (just like Dean, but who cares) and he’s always been vocal about his support of the LGBTA community or whatever it is called (Dean prefers to say he just likes girls and guys. Far easier). 

Wouldn’t it be ironic if the two people who mean most to him in this world ended up together. 

He’s getting ridiculous.

But either way, he’s ending it this Saturday. 

He feels his heart sink when the door of Cas’ apartment building opens and he strolls out, his hair purposely messy for once, wearing an AC/DC shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

God this combination works for him. 

Dean really wishes he’d got to help him out of it at least once. 

Cas doesn’t even say anything as he slides into the seat next to him, just drags him into a breath-taking kiss before eventually whispering “Hello, Dean” against his lips.

“Hey. Looking good there, Cas” he manages to reply, his head spinning. 

Cas smiles. “You don’t look so bad yourself”.

He holds Dean’s hand during the drive. That’s new. Whatever does he want to prove? That he can act all cute and couply with Dean while eying his brother?

His still holding his hand when they enter Sam’s apartment, and his brother is upon them in an instant.

“Hi, Dean. Cas!”

He looks so happy that Dean wonders if he’ll really end up best man after all, but suddenly there’s a blonde girl next to Sam and when he introduces her as Jess, Dean remembers the fellow student he wouldn’t stop gushing over.

So Sam has finally made a move a whole freaking year after graduation.

Good for him. Bad for Cas.

Dean immediately turns his head to see how he bears it, but he’s smiling and still holding his hand, and he wonders what Cas is playing at. 

He doesn’t figure it out during the next two hours.

Not when Sam claps his shoulder and tells him “Finally” when it should be the other way around.

Not when Bobby says “Baby blues better be good to you, idjit”.

And definitely not when Jess comes to talk to Cas, who refuses to leave his side or let go of his hand for a longer period of time because “We have much in common”. 

In fact, he’s just contemplating all the implications of that, and they’re not pleasant when she asks, “How long have you been together?”

He should definitely talk to his brother about what to tell others about him and Cas - mainly nothing - when Cas answers.

“Two years” he says, squeezing his hand, “But it took us a while to realize”.

She laughs. Dean’s too shocked to say anything. 

When she bustles off to get them some more drinks, Dean turns to Cas, expecting him to laugh or brush it off or anything really, but instead, he’s smiling. 

His smile drops when he sees Dean’s expression.

“Dean, I - i’m sorry if you didn’t - I wanted to for so long, and - you never asked me out to anything, and I thought - “

And then Dean kisses him because he can, and because if he understood that correctly, they’re both a couple of freaking dumbasses.

It just proves his point that, when Cas draws back, he breaths “Marry me” and the guy actually replies “Of course”,

They leave early.

Sam forgives them a few days later when they take him out to lunch as an apology wearing engagement rings.


	23. Rebellious Temptation

Dean Winchester knows what is expected of him, what path he is supposed to take ever since he was four years old and any hopes or dreams of a different life burnt along with their mother. 

It is a miracle he’s going to college at all; if Bobby hadn’t convinced Dad that a business degree would be a good thing, running the garage and all, he wouldn’t be here. 

He’s happy. This is more than he could ever expect, so he’s making the most of it, going to parties, hooking up with girls, taking his disgustingly easy courses he’s not really interested in, but hey, it’s going to help him with the shop later.

Now and then he eyes English textbooks or leaflets for LARPING groups. Just to make fun of them, of course.

Now and then he imagines doing something else, actually going for a degree in teaching or comparative literature just because he can. 

Now and then he sees Castiel Novak on campus.

Castiel Novak, who abandoned his mapped-out future as a catholic priest to breeze right into college, cover himself in tattoos and study art because he wants to show the beauty of the world or something like that. And it doesn’t even sound corny when he explains it.

Castiel Novak, who famously painted the Mona Lisa on the dean’s door during the first week of the semester and signed it.

Castiel Novak, who picks up both girls and boys and is completely honest and open about it. 

Not that Dean knows that from personal experience. 

He knows what is expected of him.

Castiel Novak is a distraction. A danger.

A temptation. 

One day, Castiel decides to paint the whole pavement in front of one lecture hall with crayons, recreate Vermeer and Van Gogh and God knows how many others, and when Dean observes him for a moment, he looks up.

Dean stares into the bright blue eyes and remembers what Wilde said about getting rid of temptations (yeah, he likes to read. No one has to know. Not even Sammy knows, and he never will). 

He refuses to yield.

He won’t talk to Castiel Novak. Ever. 

There’s no reason to.

He knows where he’s going. Back to Lawrence, back to Dad, back to the garage.

Castiel Novak paints and… _lives. Observes. Creates._

Their paths will never cross. 

At least he thinks so until he’s walking downtown one day and all of a sudden it’s pouring. 

He barely makes it into the next shop. 

Which just happens to be one of those artsy tea shops he usually doesn’t even spare a glance because he isn’t supposed to like tea. He drinks his coffee black. Like Dad.

He is freezing though, so he buys a blood orange tea (not his fault that blood orange tastes freaking awesome) and tries concentrating on his textbooks.

Not easy when they’re so freaking boring. 

He gets dragged away from taxes when someone plops down in the chair across from him. 

“Hello, Dean”. 

Castiel Novak just talked to him.

Castiel Novak knows his name.

He swallows. Blinks.

“Hi?”

Castiel grins. 

“You’re average” he informs him gleefully and Dean shouldn’t feel angry. It’s what he wants to be. What he should be.

“But… you’re not” Castiel continues. “You’re very kind, and you love to read - I always see you running around with one book in your hand that has nothing to do with business classes, but I think I’m the only one who realized - and you don’t like your degree but you do it for your Dad, and you only hook up with girls….”

Dean, with a wildly beating heart, waits for a “but” there, but it never comes.

Castiel just keeps looking at him, those damn baby blues holding so much _promise_. 

He should leave. He is going to leave. 

They talk for hours. 

There’s nothing wrong with talking, right? Castiel - no, Cas, he became Cas two hours ago, is just interesting and it’s not like anything will happen. They’ll say goodbye and not talk to each other ever again, and - 

Cas kisses him. Just like that. Just leans over the table and kisses him.

And Dean knows, just knows that enough students are around so that this will be all over the campus tomorrow.

So really, it doesn’t matter anymore, does it? College is meant for experimenting; right? He’s curious, that is all.

Later, much later, when he’s come to the conclusion that this was actually pretty damn awesome and that he’s kind of sad it’s over, but it’s for the best if he just leaves. Cas just went to the bathroom; now is his chance. 

He’s already in his jeans and about to slip on his shirt when Cas, strangely self-conscious looking in his boxers and the t-shirt with bees on it, “Are you leaving?”

Dean looks at him and every apology dies on his lips.

He could go.

Everyone might know - because every single one of Cas’ hookups is known on campus, it’s what happens when you carry your personality around like a business card - but no one would care. 

But…

He looks at Cas and sees someone who is as lonely in his eccentricity as Dean is in his conformity. 

He takes a step forward. Then another. 

Then his hands are on Cas’ hips and he breathes against him, “I was actually wondering what pizza to order for dinner. If you want”.

Cas beams. 

Cas is a distraction. A danger. A temptation.

And Dean continues to give in to him. 

One month in, he’s practially living in Cas’ apartment. 

Two months in, he switches from business to English and Education.

Three months in, he opens the door of Cas’ place because, yeah, he moved in, and Sam tackles him because “Uncle Bobby gave me the money because I wanted to see you” and it’s clear the little nerd was just curious, but he takes Cas in stride. 

Seven years in, and he’s teaching at the college he thought he’d only see for a few short semesters, bragging about his by now rather well-known boyfriend. 

Ten years in, and they’re dancing, and Sam is all but tripping over his girlfriend next to them in his corny happiness for his little brother, and Bobby is keeping Dad in check, and Dean squeezes Cas’ hand, the one with the ring, and whispers, “I’m not supposed to see you, you know”.

Cas smiles and says, “Too bad. You’re stuck with me now”. 


	24. Aspects of Desire

Castiel has never desired anyone. He hopes, he wishes, he dreams, he wants, but he has never experienced that surge of desire that others feel when they meet or see certain people.

He has observed his fair share of beautiful men and women, but has never longed to touch a single one of them, not on tv, not in real life.

He doesn’t feel like he misses out. It’s simply not who he is, wanting someone else this way. He is content with his books and his bees and his family and his friends; why should he chase after something he has no use for?

His siblings have long since given up on making him participate in things he has no interest in, even Gabriel and Balthazar, who have sexual intercourse so often that Castiel has long since given up keeping track of their respective partners (especially after that one time when he went to Balthazar’s apartment and found him and eleven others – he still shudders at the memory). 

He doesn’t expect anything to change. He has never wished for sex; he has never wanted someone like that; it has highly unlikely that this will change at the age of thirty-five.

But he is wrong, because when he is thirty-five Dean Winchester stumbles into his book shop.

Dean Winchester, thirty-three, loud, funny, charming, smart, even though he won’t admit it.

They become friends because they both like Vonnegut. It’s as simple as that.

And yet it isn’t.

Because this is like no friendship Castiel has ever experienced. 

Dean and him… They work. They understand each other without saying a word. 

They cook and watch movies together and spend nights at each other’s apartment – always on the respective couch, of course – and talk about books and Dean doesn’t laugh when he tells him he wants to keep his book store for the rest of his life because books make him feel safe, only tells him that it’s cars with him.

They can talk about everything. Sometimes they are silent together, though. 

And sometimes they just laugh for hours over a trifle they’ve already forgotten about.  

One day Castiel blurts out that he’s a virgin and plans on staying one because people tend to react strangely when they find out by accident and Dean just shrugs and says “Hey man, it’s fine by me”. 

When he tells Gabriel, because here is someone who doesn’t need to come to terms with it, who just understands and accepts him right from the start, his brother gives him a look he doesn’t understand. 

It happens about a week later.

They have yet another Star Wars marathon because Dean has an unhealthy obsession with those movies, and when Cas – it’s almost alarming, how quickly he has adopted the nickname when thinking about himself – sees him throw his head back and laugh freely and openly, the light of the TV ghosting over his freckles, he wants to trace them with his fingers, wants to reach out and touch and feel, wants to move closer – 

He doesn’t understand. He never wanted this before, not even with Meg, not even after their kiss. 

He wouldn’t mind kissing Dean. 

Dean keeps asking if he’s alright that evening, because the realization that he – that this is possible after all this time has shaken him to his core, and as soon as he’s home he calls Gabriel.

His brother is surprisingly understanding.

“Oh Cassie” he sighs when he’s finished, “you really didn’t realize?”

“Realize what?” he asks, baffled.

“You’re in love with Dean”.

In love? He hasn’t – he didn’t think he was. He has been in love a few times before; even if he doesn’t want to have sex doesn’t make him incapable of falling in love; but it never felt like this, like he needs Dean in his life, like he can’t breathe contemplating he might leave, like he has to touch, to kiss to feel grounded.

And as if that realization was not enough – 

Dean only ever talks about women. Dean only ever takes women home, and then only for a few short hours. 

Cas tries his best to ignore his feelings and keep the best friend he ever had, but inexperienced as he is with wanting someone, really truly loving someone, how is he supposed to?

From this moment, he can’t resist hugging Dean now and then or standing much too close, so that he can have a chance at counting his freckles. He starts to randomly touch him too, and now he understands why people crave others, because Dean feels warm and good and pure, like the sun. 

Now that he knows and comprehends what he’s feeling, Dean telling him he’s got a date hurts, but he can deal with it. If Dean just stays with him, stays near him, as his friend, it will be enough.

And yet he can’t help but wonder whether he ruined things by being too inexperienced, if there might have been a chance if he was normal – 

Gabriel comments on his appearance more and more. He knows he looks tired and sad, but he can’t help it. 

Then Gabriel decides he wants to take him and Dean out to dinner, and it’s happened a few times before so Cas thinks nothing of it until they’re actually sitting in front of him and Gabriel calls Dean his boyfriend.

To his face.

When Dean starts to stammer an answer, his brothers says, “Please. We all know you two want a piece of each other”.

Cas is not going to sit here and watch Dean’s reaction. He can’t salvage their friendship here with Gabriel ridiculing his and Dean’s – non-existing – feelings so he leaves to pace up and down the street. Dean’s a hot head; he’ll storm out and maybe Cas can plead his case then – 

He does storm out, but rushed towards Cas and hugs him.

“I punched your brother”.

“Good”.

“I’m sorry” Dean says and he’s shaking. “I’m so sorry – if it weren’t for me and my stupid feelings, you wouldn’t have had to hear that – “

Cas kisses him, because he wants to, because Dean just said he has feelings for him, and he kisses back, and he understands, he gets it now. 

Dean pulls back and grins. “Maybe I should have told you I dig both girls and guys, quit pro quo and all that – “

“Shut up” Cas mumbles and pulls him back in.

He is still very inexperienced. He needs to practice some more.


	25. New Perspective

The conclusion that he has been wrong about his brother all along comes suddenly and unexpectedly. Sam left for college with the knowledge that they’d only ever meet on family holidays; they were simply too different to be friends or even particularly fond of one another. He suspects they wouldn’t speak at all if Mum wasn’t obviously pained that they aren’t closer. And if there’s one good thing about Dean, he’d never hurt Mum. 

His brother is loud, annoying and dropped out of school as soon as he could. 

He has never shown much interest in Sam, may it be his hobbies or plans in life, and who could ever forget Sam’s prom when he decided it was a good idea to steal his little brother’s date?

Therefore, he expected nothing when he left. 

And for the first four years, he was right. They saw each other on Christmas and during summer and sent each other texts on their respective birthdays, Dean managing the feat at eleven fifty-five pm on Sam’s. He wasn’t surprised. 

They lived different lives, had different dreams. They could only drift further apart as life went on.

He had no idea everything’s going to change the summer before he applies to law school. But he steps out of the taxi in front of Mum’s house and she immediately draws him into a hug before pulling away, worry in her eyes.

“Did you hear from Dean recently?”

It’s an odd question. Mum has no delusions about how things stand between them, even though she pretends it isn’t so during holidays, unlike Dad, who died three years ago still convinced that he raised his sons into being best buddies when in fact he pushed Sam away and turned Dean into his clone.

Sam may be harsh, but he has no illusions when it comes to his family.

He shakes his head. 

“He… seems sad lately. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen”.

That’s strange. For one, Dean is never sad. Well, he was when Dad died, but other than that, his brother is usually happy-go-lucky and cocky, never takes anything seriously, which really didn’t help Sam when he used to freak out about school.

Plus, Dean always listens to Mum – he always listened to both their parents. 

Which made it so damn hard to grow up in a home where his father was sure a college education would ruin him – every fight was made worse not by Mum ignoring them but by Dean standing in the background, obviously agreeing with Dad. 

So he’ll admit the situation is somewhat… disconcerting.

“Will you try?” Mum asks and Sam agrees, even though he has no idea how to even start a conversation with his brother. 

It doesn’t take him long to realize at dinner that Mum is right. Dean looks sad, although he tries to hide it.

Just not… the way Sam is used to.

He makes his usual lewd jokes about him and Jess, who he has yet to meet for obvious reasons, but it’s clear he’s just trying to distract them, and – 

Good God, what if that has been his coping mechanism all along?

No; it can’t be. Dean is perfectly comfortable with who he is, isn’t he? He is annoying. Unkind at times. He doesn’t just project his… unpleasantness to keep others from realizing he’s not feeling well or particular happy.

Sam would know.

Then again, would he? 

Dean grows more and more quiet through dinner, and Sam can feel Mum’s eyes on him. When his brother goes out into the garden, as he usually does after one of their family assemblies (he used to think it’s because Dean doesn’t care, but now he’s not so sure) he takes two beer bottles outside.

Dean seems surprised, but accepts the drink.

“I guess Mum asked you to speak to me?”

It’s not something Dean would usually say. Sam nods.

His brother chuckles, but it’s mirthless.

“I’m fine. I’m always fine. Don’t worry”.

Sam waits for reasons he can’t understand. Normally this would be enough.

But Dean is clearly not fine. 

“What’s wrong?”

Dean sighs and fingers the label of his bottle.

“There’s… someone. And they – think I’m a jerk. Which is okay. Because I am. I mean, you can’t even stay in the same room as me. I get it, man. Everything I did to you growing up… Leaving with your date at prom night? That has to take the cake”.

“Dean, I – “

“I’m proud of you. God knows I’ve never shown, and it doesn’t mean much, but I am”. 

“Dean – “

His brother downs his beer and gets up.

“Anyway, nice talking to you. Good luck with your interview next Tuesday”.

He touches Sam’s shoulder and is gone.

He had no idea how Dean knows that he has the interview in a week.

And suddenly he feels guilty that normally, this would indeed be the last time they see each other until his next visit. 

Instead, Sam goes to the garage the next day. It’s after ten am, Dean must have opened it by now – 

Oh. He vaguely remembers Dean mumbling about modernizing one or two Christmases back, but he didn’t expect that. 

It actually looks… nice. And is that a sign that they specialize in restoration?

“Sam? Is something wrong with Mum?”

Typical.

He shakes his head. “No. It’s just, yesterday – “

Dean shakes his head.

“Forget it. I was in a weird place yesterday”.

But Sam can’t forget, because…

“How did you know my interview was Tuesday?”

Dean blushes. Blushes. 

“You mentioned it yesterday”.

“Not the day”.

“So Mum tells me about you. Big deal”.

Yes, it is a big deal.

Because Sam hasn’t talked about his brother in years, not even with his mother, and his brother knows when he was his interview. 

“So, about that girl – “

“Who?”

“The one you mentioned yesterday”.

“Oh, for-“

“I’m not going to forget about it, Dean”.

A strange mixture of defiance and desperation passes over Dean’s face and he spits, “Fine. He’s a beekeeper”.

Sam waits.

Waits some more.

Sighs.

“Is there more to the story, or does he just hate your guts at random?”

Dean stares. 

An afternoon (plus a spontaneous decision of Dean to close early) later Sam knows that Cas is a beekeeper who happened to accustom his brother when he killed a bee in a store. Sadly, Dean failed to mention he’d done it because he was worried it’d sting a kid next to him, and Cas forced him to come to his place and see for himself how peaceful bees were and acted pissed-off and aloof the whole time.

Dean has a crush. That much is for sure.

He also reads Vonnegut, considers the third Hobbit movie and atrocity because _Legolas wasn’t even in the book, damn it!_ , is planning to take a course in accounting so he can manage the shop better and knows every little thing Sam has told Mum in the past few years.

Every. Little. Thing.

Plus he lets slip that he kept everything Sam ever got him – no, really. Even the pictures he drew him when he was very little.

And Sam didn’t even know he had a favourite book until now.

He makes Dean have dinner at Mum’s again.

Their mother stares at them like they found the Holy Grail.

Dean jokes about Jess and tells Sam that she better keep him if she has any sense at all.

It’s like he’s been shipped into a parallel universe.

He’s strangely cool with it.

He doesn’t realize how far he’s come, how far this week has brought them, until he’s freaking out five minutes before the interview and instead of calling Mum or Jess, he opts for Dean.

His brother sounds cheerful and a week ago, he would have thought it was because of Sam’s suffering, but now he knows better.

They’ve both been idiots in the past. Time to get better.

“Cas?” he inquires and Dean starts babbling.

“I explained, and he understood! And now we’re going on a date!”

And his rambling actually calms Sam down.

And so it is on September 18th that he lays a strong fundament for his future.  

Flash forward a few years and Dean and his new husband purchase the house next to his and Jess’:

Sometimes he wonders what the boy who left for college would have thought learning that he and his brother would not only be next door neighbours but best friends eventually.

When Dean storms in, his face aglow and papers from the adoption agency in his hand, Sam decides it doesn’t matter.


	26. From Childhood's Hour

While the bunker had become their home, in thought as well as practice (and Sam still maintained that it was a good thing Dean was “nesting” and that Cas dropped by far more often than necessary – well, “dropped by”; he spent more than two thirds of his time with them, so Sam decided he might as well call the room he stayed in “Cas’ room”) it only took him a few days lying around with a twisted ankle to realize it was still a bit empty. 

Dean and Cas had gone on a simple salt-and-burn, the honestly happy grin on his brother’s face silencing all smart-ass remarks Sam might have made. Point was, he was alone, he was bored, and the walls around him were just so stupidly white. 

And since he couldn’t read or do research forever, decorating it was on the fourth day. He limped to one of their storage rooms. 

Until he found the albums, Sam had forgotten about his obsession with stickers as a kid. He hadn’t even known that Dean kept it – 

That Dean kept so much. 

They had long since given up Dad’s old storage locker and moved everything of worth into the bunker, and Sam had assumed, since Dean had been doing most of the heavy lifting due to the younger Winchester being incapacitated after a rough hunt (not unlike now), that any tokens of their childhood had been thrown away.

But no.

Right there in the box in front of him were Dean’s first shotgun, his soccer trophy and a few other trinkets.

The albums being amongst them. 

It felt strange to think that he could have forgotten. His younger self would have been appalled.

_“Here, Sammy”  
_

_“Thanks, Daddy!”  
_

_Daddy had just got him new stickers. He was always happy when Daddy got back from work. Dean said he had to go, that work was important.  
_

_Sam thought it was stupid. Why did Daddy always have to leave? The daddies of the other children he met at playgrounds didn’t. But then they didn’t have an awesome big brother like Dean.  
_

_It was weird that Daddy hadn’t brought Dean anything. Why? Dean looked after him and could make a hundred different versions of macaroni and cheese and he was funny and smart and brave, surely he deserved cool stickers too?  
_

_So, after Daddy had gone out for a meeting or whatever he called it, he offered to share them. He didn’t want Daddy to think he didn’t want the stickers, so he waited until he was gone.  
_

_Dean didn’t want any.  
_

_“Nah, Sam, it’s for babies like you”.  
_

_“Not a baby” he grumbled.  
_

_Dean laughed and put the white stuff on the window sill again. He and Dad wouldn’t tell him what for. They always said he’d know when he was older._

He didn’t have a memory of Dean where he wasn’t trying to protect or raise him in some way. Most days, he acted like he didn’t know why Dean would always drop everything for him or inhale food faster than he had any right to at the age of thirty-seven, but he always knew. 

_“But Dean” he whined.  
_

_“Sammy, I told you, we can’t afford them”.  
_

_He was still clinging to the (really very overprized) set of Superman stickers.  
_

_They had glitter and all! Plus, Dad wasn’t there to forbid it. Dad never bought him cool stuff, but Dean always did when he was stubborn enough.  
_

_His nine-year-old brother eventually sighed. “Fine”.  
_

_Later that evening, Sam was happily putting the stickers in his latest album when he realized something.  
_

_“Dean, why didn’t you have any macaroni?”  
_

_“Because I wasn’t hungry” his brother answered, reading a comic.  
_

_Sam would understand eventually._

His throat constricted when he realized that, most of the time, getting him new stickers meant Dean not getting something, whether it was food or sweets or a new comic he had been looking forward to. 

This couldn’t be good memories for him; the only reason he kept the albums must be Sam’s weird obsession that lasted for years. 

Most of the albums were cheap. One looked really nice though. 

And for the first time, he put the pieces together. 

_“Can’t we just pick him up now?”  
_

_“Sam, I told you. The conversation is over”.  
_

_Sam leaned back in the car, pouting. Dean had promised him that he’d help him with his volcano for the science project, but instead he’d gone out one afternoon and not come back, and when Dad returned he’d told him that his brother was going to a special school for a while.  
_

_It was totally unfair. Dean didn’t even like school.  
_

_And he hadn’t even told him, just took off. Maybe he’d run after a girl and ended up in school accidentally. Sounded like him.  
_

_When Dad put the sticker album in his hands, he didn’t know what to think. It was big and nice for once and wouldn’t go to pieces eventually, like his other ones; but on the other hand, at twelve years old, he really felt that he shouldn’t still be into stickers as much as he was.  
_

_But it did distract him from his volcano, so that was a plus._

The boy’s home Dean had been sent to.

They hadn’t spoken about it since they had quit the town. Obviously. Dean had never had the impulse to discuss times where he’d actually been happy for once. 

Especially not when it involved being away from his family.

_“I know, Sammy, I know – I was pretty damn stupid. Here, have these. Batman’s cooler than Superman anyway.”_

He had been relieved when his brother had returned. Everything had been so silent without him; he and Dad had had nothing to say to each other without the buffer his brother provided even then. 

But Dean… Dean had had a good, no, a great time. He had been living a normal life with good grades and friends and hobbies, and yet he had turned his back on it to be there for him. 

And he had kept the stupid stickers just because they had meant something to Sam at some point. 

Suddenly, he knew what he could do to make the bunker feel more like home.   
It was corny, but who cared? He figured they deserved corny now and then.  
Dean and Cas stumbled in later that evening, his brother blushing like a school girl.

Sam let it slide. 

Especially since he was just waiting for them to get to their corridor.

Sure enough, he soon heard his brother call out. 

“Sam?”

The previously white, nondescript walls of the hallway were now covered with not only pages full of stickers out of his old albums (his inner five-year-old had cried, but it did look good in an unexpected kind of way), but several framed pictures – Sam’s, not the ones Dean guarded jealously in his room. 

“Didn’t even know if you wanted them” Dean commented tensely, but then Cas said, “Of course he did. You bought him the Batman ones, didn’t you?” and he relaxed.

“Still cooler than Superman” he mumbled, throwing his brother a glance. 

Sam grinned. 

After all this years, looking at his brother, he had to agree.


	27. Chick Life Moments

Dean wakes up feeling… weird.

Or rather… not weird.

But… different. Slightly. Just enough to confuse him. 

He’s still half-asleep, lying in his bed, wondering where the feeling comes from. 

He’s at the bunker, they’re safe, so that’s not it.

His bed feels a bit strange though.

Or… not his bed. But what exactly – is he lying on – 

He sits up abruptly and realizes he has been lying on his breasts.

Breasts.

As in, female ones.

As in – 

He jumps out of bed and races to the bathroom.

And yes, that’s a woman staring at him out of the mirror. 

As in, a female human being. A chick. A lady.

With eyes he recognizes, because he’s been looking through them since day one.

Other than that, he – yes, he, he’s a man, Goddamnit – has long curvy hair that’s more blonde than brunette. His freckles apparently survived the transition as well.

And, if he does say so himself, he looks pretty hot on the whole.

But that does nothing to distract him from the fact that he’s a woman.

A woman.

He spins around and races to Sam’s room.

Only to startle up a very tall woman with very huge –

Well.

Alright. So his brother is a chick now. As is Dean.

What the Hell is going on? They haven’t been hunting any witches lately, and even if they did, he doubts many can just change a person’s sex at will.

On a side note, he’s glad he’s not attracted to Sam because ew. He supposes his brother looks pretty good as a woman, but still – there’s certainly no pull. Thank freaking good.

Wait, maybe he’s into guys now. He’s a woman, so it’s a possibility, right?

“Dean? Sam?”

He turns around. Cas is standing in the doorway.

Alright. So much for being into guys. Because if there’s one thing Dean knows for sure, it’s this:

Newly human Cas has transformed into the hottest woman he has ever seen.

Curvy, long dark curly hair, and of course his eyes are as blue as ever and he’s still wearing Dean’s old AC/DC t-shirt he went to bed with, and by God, does it do things to Dean.

Okay, so he’s a lesbian.

That doesn’t help his problem at all.

Sam clears his throat. Dean blushes and turns to look at his brother.

Sister

Freaking Hell this is confusing.

“So now we’ve established we’re all women – what?”

“No idea, Sammy.” A thought occurs to Dean and he sniggers. “Guess you’re really Samantha now”.

“Hilarious” he/she (seriously, he’s just going to stick with he, it makes hi head hurt less) comments as he rolls his eyes.

“But that doesn’t exactly help our… problem. Cas, any idea?”

The former angel shakes his head.

“No. I didn’t notice anything was wrong until I looked in the mirror”.

“You didn’t feel different?” Dean asks.

“I’m newly human again, Dean. Everything feels different”.

He doesn’t know what to say to that.

He finally settles on, “Okay, then let’s get to work. I’d like my old body back”.

Research is… difficult. At least they are all shorter than they have been, so he gets to laugh at his still ridiculously-tall-compared-to-average-brother when he can’t reach the highest shelf in the library for once, but other than that… it’s Hell.

Why did Cas have to keep his deep voice? Only as a woman, he sounds positively… sultry. This should not be allowed. Definitely not.

Dean wonders what Charlie would have to say about this and has to turn away so the others won’t see his expression.

Figures that after they’ve dealt with the darkness and all that crap something else flies their way.

After they have called everyone they could think of (and Garth needed remarkably little proof that they were indeed who they said they were after Dean snapped “Go ask Mr. Fizzles if you don’t believe me!), consulted every book and gone through every spell they know, they had to admit defeat.

They’re stuck in women’s bodies for now.

And why do his old t-shirts (which Cas always insists on wearing when they’re “just in the bunker”) look so good on a chick that used to be his best male friend – emphasis on male?

Dean groans.

It’s gonna be a long whichever-time-period-they’re-stuck-in-female-bodies-for.

When the walls start closing in on them, they decide they might just as well work; they still can fight after all, even if they have breasts now.

The only problem is their fake IDs, and Dean skips out of the bunker before Sammy can think twice about it and returns two hours with three FBI badges, one of which belongs to “Samantha Femme” which his brother doesn’t find nearly as funny as Dean. He has decided to call himself Deana Campbell, in honour of Mum; Cas is Cassandra Roberts for now, and he only realizes what he did when Sam pointedly calls their friend “Cassie” and raises and eyebrow.

He can’t leave the room fast enough.

Must be that voice.

It takes Dean exactly one day to realize that sometimes, you just need to knee someone in the groin.

Or, rather, sometimes you need to knee the sleazy witness who happens to have three ex-wives and seems hell-bent on making him number three and can’t keep his hands to himself (what is his problem? If Dean knows one thing, it’s this: Don’t touch unless anyone absolutely wants you to) in the groin.

Granted, they don’t get anything out of him after that, but Cas keeps laughing for hours, and Dean certainly could get used to that sound. Not that Cas’ normal laugh isn’t appealing – quite the opposite, in fact –

Man, he needs to get laid. But since he has no intentions of lying to some lesbian about the gender she is sleeping with – he has his limits after all and there’s some things even he’s not desperate enough for.

Ew. Just… ew.

Dean’s not a sissy by any means, but… _ew._

Women have to do this _every month_ for a _quarter of a century_?

He supposes he’s still lucky, because he feels by no means as bad as the sites Sam found suggested, but that doesn’t mean it’s not damn annoying.

In other news, he really wishes they were back in their original bodies by now.

He sighs and flushes. Three more days to go.

Skinny jeans are awful, no matter how well one might look in them. Dean learns that the hard way when a monster throws him against a wall and he has to walk back to his car more or less pant less.

Cas looks at him weirdly, but he dismisses both his stare and Sam’s smirk.

Women talk.

No, really; you just have to sit down in a bar as a woman and eventually one will start talking to you. Dean wonders why they don’t do it with men, to; it would make some stuff so much easier –

Cas returns with their beers and, as always, rather clumsily clinks his and Dean’s bottles first. Dean smiles at him –

“Oh, sorry”.

A redhead bumps into him, and he’s quick to shake his head to show he doesn’t mind, when she adds, “I hope you don’t mind, but you are the cutest couple!” and wanders off.

Woman, really.

He’ll never understand them, and he’s been one for almost three months now.

The redhead shouldn’t have used that word in connection with him and Cas.

 _Couple_.

Because suddenly, it’s all he can think about, how it actually makes sense because Cas is the only person apart from Sammy who puts up with him, and he’s smart and kind and good and his eyes are really blue –

And nothing, nothing of that has to do with him being a woman now. All these things are still true about Cas as a man.

But if Dean should say something now, Cas would certainly think it’s because he’s into women.

 _Shit_.

The only reason that stops him from frying Gabriel extra crispy when he shows up is that he doesn’t stay around long enough; he simply appears, screams “Enough chick-flick moments!” snaps his fingers and is gone, and they’re men again.

And Dean is going to be pissed, he will be pissed, but right now, there’s things he has to do.

Because Cas still looks at him like he’s the most precious thing in the world.

And so he kisses him and suggests they put their newly-returned equipment to good use.

And not all of Sam’s complaining about “having to hear that” dampens his mood.

Especially since Cas kisses him back.


	28. Life Imitates Art

“He directs action movies, Gabriel. Action movies.”

“Bro, I love you, but don’t you think you’re a little prejudiced?”

Castiel snorted. 

“He directed Kill Night 4”.

“At the beginning of his career. Plus, his last movie is generally heralded as the new Die Hard – and it’s true, by the way”.

“Not everyone considers Bruce Willis killing his way through a skyscraper high art”. 

“You are a snob”. 

“So what if I am?” he huffed. “This is Brideshead Revisited, and the last thing we need is a director to under- or overestimate the subtlety of Waugh’s – “

“Alright, alright, calm down.  All I’m saying is, give the guy a chance.”  
Castiel sighed. 

“I already signed, there’s nothing I can do anyway. I just wish the director had stayed and I didn’t have to deal with Dean Winchester of all people”.

Gabriel smirked, and if Castiel had learned anything from growing up with him, this was not a good sign.

“What do you have against the guy, anyway? Normally you’re not that judgemental”.

Castiel wished once again that he wouldn’t blush so easily.

“My, my… somebody has a crush!”

“Gabe – “ he tried to plead, but to no avail.

“Oh my God! It’s true! You want a piece of your new director!”

“Gabriel” he hissed. 

“Relax, bro, I’m actually impressed with your taste. He’s easy on the eyes,  that’s for sure”.

Castiel looked away, angry at himself. He was nervous to meet the director not because someone who had until now only done action movies (and some rather stupid ones at that) was going to adapt a novel – and that would have been more than enough reason – but because he had seen interviews and pictures, and… Dean Winchester was gorgeous. There was no other way to say it. 

He was also always joking around, smiling, flirting with whoever was asking the questions.

In other words, the complete opposite of Castiel Novak, who was as much a recluse as his work as one of the “most versatile actors living” according to a well-known magazine, allowed. He preferred to stay out of the public eye and would certainly had driven any agent other than his brother mad, but Gabe was too used to his habits to object. Much. 

The next day, he met Dean Winchester for the first time. 

Good God, it was like staring at the sun, which really didn’t help his natural shyness.

Neither was Dean immediately calling him by his first name and spending the first minutes complimenting on his work.

Castiel tried to do the same, but failed miserably, and Dean laughed.

“I don’t blame ya. God knows I’ve done some bad projects”. He suddenly grew serious, and Castiel wondered if he wasn’t as cool about it as he pretended to, but then he said, “By the way, I hope you’re liberal in your views, cause if you think I’m going to hide the fact that Charles and Sebastian were totally doing it you’re dead wrong”. 

Castiel was quick to reassure that he had no problem with it – and he may have added “I would be a hypocrite” somewhere in his answer, but he certainly only imagined the glint in Dean’s eyes as he heard it – and what followed was a very professional, highly interesting and incredibly gratifying discussion of the book, the script, his role and his co-stars.

Castiel left with the feeling that he had been extremely lucky in the choice of director after all.

Also with an even bigger crush on said director. 

The ensuing months of feeling did nothing to change that. Dean was incredibly competent, always polite and passionate about his work.

He was also flirting heavily with Lisa Braeden, who played Julia and was far too good and nice for Castiel’s liking – not that he was jealous or anything. 

But… Dean and him spent a lot of time together, too. They usually had lunch together, and Dean would tell him all about how his little brother got on at college, or how they totally botched the last season of Doctor Sexy; and sometimes Castiel thought…

“Cut!”

He realized he’d allowed himself to get distracted and missed his cue; Balthazar was staring at him, obviously begging him to say his line.

He sighed.

“Sorry.”

“You alright, Cas?”

Dean had been calling him Cas from day one, and he was ashamed how much he liked it.

“Yeah, sorry” he mumbled. This was an important scene; Dean had fought hands and feet to be allowed to film a kiss, and Cas wasn’t about to ruin it.   
He recalled that he was “a damn Alec Guinness if he wanted to be” as Gabe put it and managed; Dean even applauded at the end of the day, and Cas left quick enough so that he wouldn’t see his blush. 

But not quick enough that he didn’t see Lisa Braeden walk over to the director’s chair. 

Somehow, the shoot went by. He wondered how it would be not to see Dean each day, but only at the premiere, and then more than likely with Lisa Braeden on his arm. 

But then, on the last day of filming, as they were preparing for a small party because, according to Dean, it was a tradition he always upheld, there was a tentative knock on the door of his trailer.

“Hey” Dean said shyly as he entered. 

That was unusual. Dean was never shy. 

“Hello, Dean”.

He smiled.

“I was wondering – “

Cas waited patiently for him to continue.

Dean cleared his throat. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to go to the party with me – as a date, I mean, but as friends would be great too – “

Cas had no idea how to answer such an unexpected question, so he kissed him. 

He did indeed go to the premiere, and he did see Dean Winchester there. 

But as to who’d be on his arm – Cas had been wrong.

And, as Dean kissed him right on the red carpet, he couldn’t have been happier about it.


	29. Tank Stop

“We’re almost out of gas”.

“I know.”

“We’re almost out of gas”.

“I know.”

“We’re almost out of gas.”

“I _know_ , Cas.”

To say that Dean Winchester is annoyed right now would be a bit of an understatement. It’s not his fault they left for a visit to his folks with only half a tank.. Okay, it is. But his roommate totally didn’t have to walk out of the bathroom in just a towel while he was writing down his to do list. That’s just unfair. 

It’s not his fault that Cas is really really hot. And now they need gas. And they’re right in the middle of nowhere. 

No, wait. There. A light. 

A gas station.

It’s a freaking miracle.

“There, I’ll pull into this station.”

Cas is less than enthusiastic. 

“The one where it looks like it’s been abandoned for years.”

“Yes, that one.”

“Wonderful. But don’t expect me to explain to your mother why you won’t return”.

Dean sniggers. “If there’s a monster, it’s gonna eat you too.”

“I highly doubt it. You’re the jock. You’d be far more likely to die in the traditional horror film scenario”.

Dean flinches. He can’t help it. He hates it when Cas alludes to his football scholarsship, the only reason he’s at college to begin with; hates it when Cas makes it clear how different they are, that he’ll never be interested in someone like Dean.

He exists the car and slams the door with more force than necessary, immediately murmuring “Sorry, Baby”. 

He doesn’t see Cas’ guilty expression.

He quickly fills up the tank and walks in the station; he has a sudden need for something sugary, anything to chase the bitter taste of his tongue.

And that’s a little creepy alright.

And Cas thought it looked abandoned before.

_Try a room with most lights flickering off and on and cowebs everywhere, buddy.  
_

“Good evening.”

Dean doesn’t jump, not exactly, but he lets out a very manly squeek. 

“I apologize. I had no intention of startling you.”

The cashier has to be close to a hundred years old.

“You didn’t - I mean - “ Dean clears his throat. “Gas and the hershey’s bar, please”.

As he’s ringing him up, and taking his sweet time, he comments, “Your friend should not be alone out there”.

“What?” Dean asks. He hasn’t seen any video screens that show the parking lot, and Cas isn’t visible from here. 

“The night can be dangerous.” The man looks up at him and Dean stares, mesmerized. 

He’s not old at all, he’s barely over twenty - why did Dean think he was before? It doesn’t matter - and his eyes are just as blue as Cas’.

“Relax. Wait here while I get your pretty friend.”

No. Wait. No. 

The way he says it - 

Cas. Danger. _Cas in danger_. Creepy old-young dude. With glowing eyes and - are those fangs?

Before he realizes what he’s doing, Dean propels right into the guy, who only has time to look surprised before slamming into the wall. 

Then he’s up again, throwing Dean across the room.

Man, and he thought getting sacked was bad. 

He hisses - yes, those are definitely fangs. 

“You are stronger than I thought. But still - “

He doesn’t get to continue becaus Cas chooses this moment to stab him in the back with Dad’s old hunting knife that Dean keeps in the glove compartment of the Impala out of nostalgia. 

The guy - the monster - screams and crumbles to dust.

The whole thing took less than five minutes.

Jesus. 

Dean’s hershey’s bar is still lying by the register. 

He looks at Cas.

And then they’re kissing. 

Alright, Dean has no idea how that happened, but he’s okay with it.

They pull away.

“I thought you didn’t want - “ Dean says at the same time as Cas begins with, “I believed you weren’t interested -”

“Huh” Dean says, “so I guess we’re… together now?”

Cas nods enthuastically and takes his hand. Then he eyes the dust on the floor that used to be creepy dude. 

“Should we be calling anybody?”

“Who? The Ghostbusters?”

“You’re probably right”.

They leave, Dean not forgetting his chocolate bar.

They’ve driven about a mile in silence, still holding hands, when Cas begins to laugh.

“Cas?” he asks carefully, squeezing his hand, hoping it’s not some kind of delayed reaction.

“We couldn’t die” he answers simply.

“What?”

“We couldn’t die, Dean”. His eyes are sparkling. “We are the main couple”.

Dean has no problem with that at all.


	30. Normal Life

At first, Sam doesn’t understand. Sure, Dean has always liked his privacy, but it’s clear he and Cas are in it for the long haul – Dean wouldn’t have made a move in the first place if he didn’t think their friend would stick around (then again, Sam isn’t certain who finally did something – he didn’t ask for details). 

So there’s absolutely no reason why Cas doesn’t just move into Dean’s room. 

They’re neighbours anyway, and they spent most nights together, so why not?

Plus, they’re one of the most affectionate couples Sam has ever seen, at least in private, when it’s just them, plus Sam on occasion. They hold hands and cuddle and Cas makes Dean the most over-the-top compliments, and his brother stutters and blushes and accepts them anyway. 

They are just the couple one would expect to move in together and marry after a few months because they just fit. And it has taken them long enough; everyone saw it, everyone commented on it, and mainly Sam is just glad the tension is gone.

But now he’s driving himself mad over why they are not living together, which is probably just as bad, and it has nothing to do with him, really.

And then he gets it. 

He gets it on one of their date nights, when he accidentally sees Dean slipping out of his door and in front of Cas, wearing his best clothes, swallowing before knocking. 

Cas opens, beaming, and Sam understands.

Neither have had that before. Except maybe for the short time when Dean was in the boy’s home, he has never had an opportunity to get out of his home (room, but who’s going to be such an ass about it? Surely not Sam) and go to their date’s apartment, nervous and happy, pick them up, enjoy the evening together. 

And Cas – Cas has only been human for a short while, and he’s had nothing that could be called a normal dating experience. 

So they’re enjoying it now. 

And Sam is not going to spoil their fun. 

So, when Dean “picks up” Cas with flowers in his hand, when he gets up early to make him breakfast, when Cas brings home a new collector’s edition set of Doctor Sexy because he knew Dean would enjoy it, Sam smiles and says nothing. 

Until Dean starts ignoring Cas. 

It happens suddenly; one day, they’re the cute couple Sam has come to know, the next Dean barricades himself in his room. It’s clear Cas doesn’t understand. 

He tries to talk to him, but he simply ignores him. He turns to Sam, but he can’t explain his brother’s behaviour either.

But God damn it, he can and will talk to him about it because Dean deserves to be happy, deserves something good, deserves what their relationship have him, and he’s not going to throw it all away because he’s being an idiot. 

Even though Sam really hopes he is wrong and there’s a perfectly sound explanation as to why Dean can’t look Cas in the eyes, he doesn’t expect to be. 

But he is.

Because when he more or less forces Dean’s door, he’s sitting on the bed, researching something on his laptop, immediately closing it, stammering when Sam asks for an explanation.

“Dean”, he sighs. “Please tell me this is not one of your self-hating pity parties.”

“What?”

Now his brother looks confused, confusing Sam in turn. 

“I just don’t wanna give anything away” he eventually mumbles, and Sam wrenches the laptop out of his hands.

He has to know what this is about. 

Dean has been looking at engagements and wedding rings.

Engagement and wedding rings. 

Dean isn’t trying to sabotage the relationship.

He wants to take the next step. Propose, have Cas move in – as normal people do. 

Sam can’t help but smile. 

“So – which one is it? The Lord of the Rings one?”

“Shut up”, he mumbles, but he’s still looking at the rings.

“Maybe the one with the blue stone. It’s the same colour as his eyes.”

Sam grins. “Does it?”

“You’re the worst.”

“Sorry, Dean. I’m happy for you. I really am. But now get out and spend some time with your man. He’s missing you.”

Dean grumbles but does so anyway, and this evening, it’s Sam barricading himself in his room. 

He doesn’t care what strings he has to pull, but he’s going to make certain that his best friend can call himself Castiel Winchester legally.


	31. Song Of Grief, Song Of Joy

“So get this. In Glendale, Arizona, there have been four suicides over the past week.“

“Quite a few, sure, but why should we care?” Dean asked, eying his brother, who was once again hunched over his laptop.

“Because every victim had suffered a loss just before they killed themselves. Arthur Gilles lost his wife; Mildred Howard’s son was killed in a car accident. The other two victims lost family members as well.”

“Sounds like a good enough reason”, Dean answered, pouring himself a cup of coffee and preparing another for Cas, who could be expected t stumble into the kitchen any minute now, barely awake, his hair as tussled as ever. Dean smiled at the thought of him, he’d be the first to admit that humanity was a good look on his best friend. 

“Dean, are you listening?” He winced as he realized that Sam, instead of being annoyed, was amused and Dean turned around to find his brother studying him with a suspicion in his eyes that had become entirely too familiar since Cas stumbled into the bunker, human once again, and had moved past them with no other explanation than a mumbled “Nothing felt right.”

But no matter what Sam might think, Dean and Cas were not… like that. Sure, he had taken it upon himself to show the former angel all the good stuff he’d previously missed out on and they spent practically every waking moment together, but that didn’t mean he wanted to jump his bones, for crying out loud. True, he could see the appeal; Cas had taken a good-looking vessel and had somehow managed, through the determination and kindness that shone through his blue eyes, to look even more handsome –

Thoughts like these were another thing Dean had grown used to over the past month. He was probably going stir crazy. They should take the case, if only so he could have something else to focus on than ex-angels.

“I’m listening. Four suicides in a week, all associated with grief. But aren’t there these studies that prove that news coverage of a suicide can lead to more suicides?”

At his brother’s surprised glance, he said somewhat petulantly, “I read.”                     

At this moment, Cas entered the kitchen, only half-awake, but still aware enough to smile happily at him and rumble “Thank you, Dean” as he saw the cup of coffee waiting for him. Dean felt his face flush and turned away.

“Is there a case? I hear you talking”, Cas, who never understood there could be other reasons for communication than work, grumbled.

Sam nodded and filled him in, giving Dean a much-needed chance to compose himself. This was ridiculous, they were just close friends, no matter what Sam thought.

“Are we going to check it out?” Cas asked eagerly after his second cup of coffee. Ever since he had turned human, he had been adamant that he wanted to be a hunter at their side; and who was Dean to deny him a case, since he wanted to get out anyway?

“Can I sit in the front?” Cas asked as soon as they stepped foot in the garage, and Sam graciously (a little too graciously, Dean found) allowed him to. The problem with that was that Dean was so often tempted to look sideways more often than not finding Cas smiling at him, as to make the drive hap hazardous at best. Surely Sammy, with his endless lectures about road safety, should have found that worrying, but apparently watching Dean squirm was more fun.

Cas automatically turned on the radio, prompting his brother to comment, “I thought only the driver was allowed to choose the music.”

“Cas actually has good taste” Dean shot back. They left it at that.

It took them three hours to get to the quiet, unremarkable town.

Dean found the nearest motel that was one or two steps above those Sam and Dean had frequented over the years; so what if Cas didn’t like scratchy sheets? He was just trying to make this whole humanity thing easier for him.

The motel also proved to be near the last victim’s house, so Sam could suck it.

He sent him to talk to the relatives of the first two victims and made his way to Mildred Howard’s house, accompanied by Cas.

They were immediately invited into her neighbour’s, and the friendly old lady made them sit on her couch while she prepared coffee for them before telling them all they needed to as quickly as she could.

“Mildred had been crying non-stop, ever since she heard – and such a sad thing too, he was only twenty-seven – she didn’t come to her door when I knocked, and that was so strange that I asked Mr. Dale from next door to help me – and then we found – it’s just so awful – if he had checked up on her – “

“It wasn’t your fault, Mrs. Meek” Cas interrupted her. “There was nothing you could have done to prevent it.”

She gave him a watery smile. “Thank you, dear – It’s just that – we were neighbours for over thirty years, you see.”

“And you said she was grief-stricken?” Dean asked. She nodded.

“Actually – it was kind of strange – what an awful thing to say – of course it is understandable – but when her husband died – she used to say the tears come anyway – that she had to be alive.”

Dean and Cas traded a glance. While grief could make men do crazy things – Dean considered himself an expert on the subject – this did sound strange. A sudden personality change was always a good indication that something supernatural was going on. Cas obviously agreed.

They took leave shortly afterwards and went to the home of the other victim.

“He just wasn’t the same” Gerald Bradley’s roommate offered, “and in a way, I get it. He and his Dad were really close. But – “

“His grief was excessive?” Cas suggested. The witness nodded. “Exactly! That’s what I meant.”

“So whatever it is we’re dealing with” Dean said back in the Impala, “It’s using people’s grief.”

“Strengthens it” Cas supplied. “Makes them feel like there’s no other way than to take their own life.”

Dean hummed. “So what? Ghost? Something like a buru buru, but with grief? Monster? What?”

A look of pain flashed across Cas’ face. Dean could have slapped himself. As a human, Cas’ memory wasn’t as vast and all-encompassing as it had been, and one of the biggest downsides of having chosen earth was, as he had admitted to Dean one night after Sam had gone to bed, that he forgot certain things, details that could help them with their work. He tried writing it down, of course, but there was simply too much information.

“It’s alright, buddy”, he tried to console him, “We have no idea either.”

Cas gave him a small smile, although the faraway look stayed in his eyes. Dean, unable to think of anything else, decided to reach out with his hands – as friends did – but somehow ended up holding and squeezing Cas’ left one. Oh well. He was going to let go any second anyway; no reason to read anything into it.

Cas squeezed back, and immediately calmed down; so really it wouldn’t have been a good idea to draw back, lest his friend grew upset again.

And then they were back at the motel and had to let go to exit the car. Dean risked a glance at the former angel. Cas was positively glowing. He hoped he wasn’t blushing as furiously as it felt.

He probably was though, if Sam’s expression when they entered his motel room was anything to go by.

“Let me guess”, Dean said quickly, “The victims grieved in a way that was far from normal.”

Sam nodded. “According to the sister of the first, she hadn’t slept for days up to her suicide.”

Dean sat down at the table, Cas choosing to sit on Sam’s bed, smiling softly at Dean despite the subject of their conversation.

“So ghost, monster, witch, or something entirely different?”

“Who knows? All I can say is that, whatever it is, it must either feed of the grief itself or just enjoy to cause chaos, because none of the bodies went missing.”

Dean nodded, risking a glance at Cas; but their friend looked quite composed now, happy even.

“Off to do research, then” he stated, still feeling Cas’ hand in his.

What was the matter with him?

And they tried to come up with an idea, but nothing fit. Eventually, Dean pit the call out to Garth, after checking the lunar calendar, naturally.

He hadn’t heard of anything similar either, but promised to ask around.

In the meantime, the best they could do was to keep an eye on the town and look after anyone who might be grieving. Thankfully, it was a relatively small city.

For two days, they had nothing to go on, which meant they spent them lazing around – Cas dragging them to a movie theatre on the second evening, or rather trying to, because Sam declined on the reason that he was too tired, the lying bastard. He just wanted to see Dean and Cas go out on a date – as friends, of course, strictly as friends.

But Dean wasn’t going to begrudge his angel that he wanted to have a good time, and so they had burgers for good measure and shared a bucket of popcorn. Now and then, they reached for it at the same time and their fingers brushed. Dean didn’t read too much into it.

As they left (and the movie had been damn good, too), Cas kept close at his side, their shoulders bumping together regularly as they talked about the movie and walked slowly, perhaps a bit slower than necessary, back to the motel.

It was then that they heard a crash, and a woman’s screams.

By the time they arrived at the scene of the accident, the driver was obviously dead and the woman who’d been riding shotgun, crying hysterically but apparently unharmed, was taken away in an ambulance.

What a way to finish a really good evening, Dean thought somewhat bitterly. “Well”, he commented. “Looks like we just found our next victim.”

The next day, they were camped out in front of Mary Thomas’ house; the victim had been her fiancé, and although they’d been sitting in Baby for over six hours, they had only seen her twice, crying both times.

“Let’s hope the monster actually literally sucks her grief, otherwise all we can do is keep her from committing suicide” Dean said.

“It’s still a worthy goal”, Cas, again riding shotgun, replied.

“I never said it wasn’t”, he assured him, looking at Cas until Sam cleared his throat.

“Anyway, it has to influence the feelings of its intended victims, and there aren’t many creatures who could do that from a distance.”

He was right. Around two am, they saw a faint glimmer, a white light, appear in front of the house. It took the form of a pale woman with white hair kept up by a silver comb. Dean noted it, realizing silver wouldn’t do anything.

Then they heard the singing.

A slow, mournful song, vibrating through the air.

Dean swallowed, feeling tears rising in his throat, and Sam and Cas were in a similar state. Then he shook himself out of it and barged out of the car, startling his brother and best friend into action.

They couldn’t risk losing time, so Dean kicked the door in rather than pick the lock, and even so, they were almost too late; Mary Thomas, a rope around her neck, was just about to kick the chair away from under her legs, the woman still singing her songs. Dean shot her with rock salt; she vanished, although he couldn’t say whether she was affected or startled by their appearance.

Sam and Cas managed to cut Mary down and attempted to comfort her, hoping this time, she was hysterical because she’d tried to commit suicide rather than because of her loss.

They finally convinced her to call a friend – and, reminding her of what she’d seen, urging her – to lie about her front door and left when it was clear she was no longer under any supernatural influence.

Thankfully, Garth called them on their way to the motel. Sam picked up.

“Yes. I understand. That fits very well. Thanks.”

He hung up and announced, “A banshee.”

“What?” Dean asked. “I thought they were supposed to predict one’s death, not feed of grief.”

“The ability to know when someone is going to died could be very useful to someone who does”, Cas argued, and they had to admit he had a point.

“Any idea how to gank her?” Dean asked.

“Remember the silver comb in her hair? We have to steal it.”

“Seriously?”

“According to lore, she’ll vanish forever.”

“Great. So who’s up to go through a monster’s drawer?”

“If the comb is her weakness, we can hardly expect that she keeps it in a drawer”, Cas said, and Dean explained what he had meant.

This of course caused him to look at Cas instead of the road, but it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway since whatever hit them was invisible.

When Dean came to, Baby was parked at the side of the road, Sam was groaning in the backseat, and Cas –

Cas was gone.

There was blood all over his seat.

Dean felt nauseous. Dean felt dizzy. Dean felt crushed.

And there was the hint of a song in the air…

“Dean! Dean!” Only when Sam slapped him did he realize he had been weeping.

“Dean, we need to find Cas.”

“He’s – he’s gone, Sammy” he stammered. “Cas is gone.”

“Yes” his brother answered patiently. “And we’re going to take him back. The banshee, remember= She must have taken him. She wants you to be her next victim. Don’t let her win. Cas needs you.”

_Cas needs you._

Dean managed to stop crying and took a deep breath, fighting the cloud of desperation that had descended over his mind.

“Where do we start?”

It was uphill work. They had no idea where banshees liked to park, and although he was trying, Dean was prone to burst into tears when he realized Cas wasn’t at his side.

His angel. _His angel._ Why had he deceived himself? Dean needed Cas where he belonged, here with him. He loved Cas, and not like he loved Sammy. And now it was too late to tell him – no, not too late, he reminded himself sternly as he felt tears prick at his eyelids again. They’d gank the banshee and find Cas and then he could serenade him or do whatever romantic crap he the angel wanted him to do. But first they had to find him.

He wouldn’t cry again.

But there had been a lot of blood –

_Focus, damn it. Maybe it wasn’t his._

“Caves”, he suggested, having read up all they had on banshees while they had been waiting in front of Mary’s house. “Some stories say they like to wash their clothes in underground lakes.”

At this point, Sam was ready to go for anything. He had already confiscated Dean’s weapons and locked them in the Impala but he saw that his brother was deteriorating quickly.

“There’s a cave about five miles from town. Let’s go.” Sam drove, lest Dean should drive into a wall on purpose, while he tried to hold himself together in the backseat, unable to sit down where he’d seen Cas’ blood spilled.

“We’ve gotta get him back, Sammy” he mumbled. “There’s something I have to tell him.”

“I know”, his younger brother supplied helplessly.

It was typical that Dena finally realized when it was too late, he thought bitterly, realizing just in time that he was succumbing to the same influence that had rendered his brother almost incapable of helping. He could almost hear a slight melody in the air…

He forced himself to focus and drove.

They arrived, and Dean managed to stop crying and get out of the car.

Sam would have been hesitant to give him a weapon, if he hadn’t seen the determination on his face.

They should have known the banshee would wait for them.

As soon as they entered, Sam was thrown against the wall and held there, unable to move, helplessly watching Dean move deeper into the cave, drawn by whatever influence the banshee had over him. Sam couldn’t hear the song anymore. She must be focusing on his brother.

Cas… He had the feeling that Cas was near. His angel was here somewhere… The song… It was leading him –

Cas was here.

There – a light – he stumbled forward and ended up at the shore of a large lake, where the banshee was washing a dress, singing.

Her hair – there was something about – but – Cas –

There – wasn’t there –

Cas was lying near the banshee, completely still. His eyes were closed. Dean let himself fall on his knees next to him. He was cold.

No. _NO!_

“Cas… Cas…”

The banshee was still singing, a song of unspeakable grief, of never ending morning, and yet Dean heard her voice in his head, telling him what he knew, felt to be the truth.

 _You see, it happens so quickly._ Her voice, so calm, so controlled.

He turned to see the banshee, still singing, apparently oblivious to him.

_I know you think this is the end –_

It was.

_But life goes on –_

He could tell she was mocking him, making him realize that there was indeed nothing left for him. What was life without his angel? There was a hole in his chest, widening by the second. He looked at the gun in his hand. It was his way out.

_Of course, if you feel you can’t go on – everyone would understand. Sam would understand._

Sam? No, he wouldn’t, would he? They were close, weren’t they?

_Everyone would understand. Of course they would._

But, as he pressed the gun against his temple, faces appeared in his mind.

Sam. Garth. _Cas_.

Cas wouldn’t want this. Even with him gone, he would want Dean to keep fighting.

And suddenly, he remembered.

He turned to the banshee, who looked furious, but before she could try to put him under again, he grabbed the silver comb in her hair and yanked it out. She screamed. A bright white light filled the cave, forcing him to close his eyes. When he opened them, she was gone, but Cas was still lying in front of him.

He looked for a pulse, his hands trembling.

There – his angel’s heart was beating, still beating.

“Cas?” he urged. “Come on, bud – “ He paused. He was tired of pretending, sick of lying.

“Come on, love, open those pretty blues.”

Just as Sam arrived, Cas’ eyes fluttered open and he groaned. Dean wordlessly held the comb up and helped him stand, holding him close.

“Are you alright?”

“I will be”, his angel promised, borrowing into Dean’s arms, and he believed him.

He made Sam drive back, preferring to stay with Cas in the backseat, an arm around him at all times.

“Dean?” he inquired gently after he’d filled them in on what had happened.

“When I was unconscious, I thought – I thought you called me –“

“What is it, love?” he inquired mischievously, only registering Sam’s eyes widening in the rear view mirror before Cas surprised him by drawing him into a kiss.

“Cas”, he said, forcing him back momentarily, as awesome as this was, there were a few things he had to tell him –

“I know, me too. But we waited too long to do this, Dean. I would much rather we continued to “make out” with you now. We can talk later.”

Who was Dean to deny such a request?

“Guys? As happy as I am for you, there are some things I don’t want to see.”

They’d forgotten Sam was driving the car.

And then they were laughing, and Dean was looking into his angel’s sparkling eyes, and all was right in the world.


	32. Drama Queen

Everyone warned him this would happen. Everyone. And Cas thought they were judgemental, that they didn’t know Dean like he did, that they had something special nobody else understood. 

Apparently not.

Half an hour ago, he was a happy man with his life in order, one month away from marrying the love of his life. 

Now he’s sitting on a bench in the park a few blocks away from their apartment, the phone call he overheard playing again and again in his head, no matter how hard he tries to suppress it. 

_He manages to leave work earlier than he had in the previous days. He’s happy to spend some quality time with his fiancé; between their jobs and the wedding to plan, they haven’t really had much of that lately.  
_

_Of course it’s their own fault for not simply getting married quietly and telling everyone later; no, they had to let everyone know they were exchanged, and naturally every member of their big extended family wants to help making it the biggest wedding ever, so they’ve been planning the day for months now.  
_

_Still, he can’t help but feel blessed every time he looks at the ring Dean had custom made for him. He’s going to marry Dean. He’s going to marry the love of his life.  
_

_At least that’s what he thinks until he overhears Dean’s conversation with Sam.  
_

_He’s in the kitchen, undoubtedly preparing dinner, and Cas approaches with a smile on his face until he registers what he’s talking about and stops in his tracks.  
_

_“I never wanted this! God damn it, Sammy, this was just supposed to be casual sex, and now I’m picking out flower arrangements – flower arrangements! And yesterday it took me hours to replace that one leaky pipe, and – do I really look like the kind of guy who wants the apple pie life? Complete with picket fences and weddings and grading weeks from Hell?”  
_

_That hurts. Dean always cuddles him during the weeks he has to grade a lot of papers, and Cas thought he did it because he wanted to.  
_

_Then again, he thought Dean moved in with him and proposed because he wanted to.  
_

_He thought Dean was his boyfriend because he wanted to.  
_

_Apparently not, because Dean has just made it very clear that this is not what he wants, and Cas closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths.  
_

_Dean doesn’t want to get married. Dean doesn’t want any of this.  
_

_So the logical step is to go.  
_

_He leaves a note in the bedroom._

I’m sorry. I can’t. 

_I can’t break up with you properly, Cas thinks as he writes down the two sentences. I can’t hear you say that you just got caught in the moment, that we were nothing more than a one night stand prolonged through my own wishes and unwanted feelings. I’m sorry.  
_

_He leaves the ring next to the note. His hand feels empty without it.  
_

_Dean will understand. Dean will be relieved. Dean can go back to his happy single days, the ones everyone told Cas he would never leave behind, and Cas…  
_

_It doesn’t matter.  
_

_He’ll go and stay with his brother for a few days. Maybe longer. He knows he’ll have to talk to Dean eventually, but right now he can’t face him._

He doesn’t know how long he sits on the park bench until he drags himself to Gabe’s. His brother says nothing, but Cas can tell he expected something like this to happen. 

Only when he lies in the guest bedroom does he realize Dean didn’t even bother to send a text to ask if he’s alright. 

“Dean, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. It’s been a week, and there are things to do –“

“Yeah, yeah I know. Gotta start calling everybody and tell them I’ve been left again. What a surprise! Only this time around it’s actually someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, so any chance I can get a refund?”

“Dean – “ Sam tries, but he shakes his head and turns to look out the window. 

It’s the first time he’s left their – his apartment in a week.

Since he realized Cas was late, walked in the bedroom and found the ring he spent months looking for before he simply had it made so it would be perfect thrown away like nothing. 

Then again, it’s nothing new. He was kidding himself. Cas was never going to stick around. 

Maybe he just said yes out of pity. 

Then he realized he’d actually be stuck with Dean’s sorry ass if he went through with it and ran. 

Story of his life. 

“You should talk to him” Sam suggests and he snorts. 

“Sure. Because the guy who left with nothing but two short sentences to show for three freaking years together surely wants to talk to me.”

“Dean – “

“No, Sam. It’s – Cas is gone, and I have to live with it. He’s gonna find someone worth his time, and I’ll be okay.”

He wishes he could believe it. 

He will later come to the conclusion that sometimes, meddling brothers can be useful, but he’s certainly never going to admit it to Sam. 

It’s been two weeks, and he’s still made no move to call off the wedding. It’s supposed to take place in a month. 

If he calls it off, it makes it real.

He shakes his head and tried to remember why Sam thought going out and hitting a few bars would be a good idea.

He learns the answer a minute later, when Sam suddenly says, “Look who’s here” at the same time that he hears Gabriel exclaim, “Oh, Cassie, seems there’s someone who wants to talk to you” and then his ex-fiancé is shoved into his arms and in the next moment their annoying brothers have disappeared. 

Dean groans.

“Sorry about that.”

This must be Sam’s plan, and Gabriel agreed because he’s an asshole. So what if Dean’s been falling apart at the seams? Cas doesn’t want him anymore, and that’s that.

“You don’t have to be” Cas says softly, avoiding his eyes.

Dean clears his throat. 

“Anyway, how have you been?”

Cas takes a step away from him.

“Fine.”

He sounds sad.

And just like that, Dean is pissed.

What right does Cas have to feel sad? He was the one who packed his bags. 

“Yeah, me too. Still have to cancel all of the wedding preparations, but hey, no big deal.”

Cas looks surprised at the bitterness in his voice. He frowns.

“I can help. I know you never wanted to get married – “

“What? Dude, I proposed to you.”

“I heard you and Sam talk on the phone” Cas insists. “You said you weren’t made for that kind of life – “

Oh. Oh. He totally forgot about that phone call.

“Damn it, Cas, I was angry at your sister because she’d made me go through three hundred pages of flower arrangements. You know I complain a lot. Did you really think – “

He stops talking because he can’t believe it.

Cas stares at him.

“You mean – you do want to get married?”

“To you? Yes. Anytime.”

They don’t know who kissed who first, but either way, they’re happy.

They don’t even hear Sam’s and Gabe’s whistles. 

And if, during the ceremony a month later, Dean sniffles and Cas whispers, “I understand; you’re just a drama queen” he’s sure as hell not gonna tell anyone 


	33. Problem Solved

Sam is suprised how little suprised he is. But then - he’s already seen Dean happy and nesting in the bunker, so it’s not a big shock that without Amara or Hell or Heaven to worry about, Dean turns into the biggest motherhen there is. 

Suddenly, in between hunts and when he’s not on the phone with others who need help, it’s all “We need a new dishwasher, this is an atrocity” or “when did they buy this toaster? I’m so getting a new one” or “No, really, it’s totally necessary we find a different couch, it’s not _comfy_ enough.” 

And most of all “Cas, do you need anything?”

When it turned out Cas was human once and for all after the whole debacle with Lucifer, Dean, instead of turning away or letting Sam talk to him, pulled him into a hug and promised him he could stay.

So he did. He even has his own room now, after two days in which Dean insisted on cleaning the one next to his religiously. 

Sam doesn’t know where Cas spent his first two nights. He has his suspicions, but he doesn’t ask.

He’s pretty sure nothing suprises him anymore, until it turns out that a healthy, happy Cas is as big a motherhen as Dean and they start motherhenning each other and Sam to their heart’s content.

“Sam, it’s snowing! Put on your winter jacket!”

“Dean, I don’t think you should eat so many burgers at one go. Try a salad.”

“No, Cas, you can’t exercise that much, I don’t care that you need to practice now, you need to let your body rest.”

And it is driving. Sam. Nuts. 

It’s nice that they’re taking care of each other - but it’s clear that they want to release the tension in another way, so why don’t they?

It would do every inhabitant of the bunker good. If Sam has to sit through another dinner with prologed eye contact and Cas staring as Dean moans around his fork, he’ll go crazy. 

Thankfully, an argument about laundry turns into something more.

He can hear them from a corridor away.

“No, we don’t have to separate light blue from dark blue clothes.”

“But Dean, the light blue is very light - “

“What is it with you and that God damn t-shirt? You’re wearing it all the time, you look after it like it’s the Holy Grail - ”

“You said it looks good on me.”

In the stunned silence that follows Sam quickly makes his way to the room, fearing that Dean is going to do something he’ll regret. 

Instead, he runs into the beginning of a make out session and turns around before they can see him. 

There. That should do the trick.

Plus, he’s happy for the two of them.

Until the next day at least, when Cas turns to Dean during breakfast and asks, “Wouldn’t the wall look better with a few pictures, love?”


	34. Enough Vs. Good

Dean is a mechanic.

Now, that’s nothing new, and he loves his job. But it means that there are… certain things he can’t do.

For example, he can’t design an airplane. Not that he minds. He hates flying. 

But he can’t. He also can’t represent anyone in court, like his little brother. And he can’t cook like his friend Benny, who’s a chief in an up-and-rising restaurant in the best part of town. 

He doesn’t mind. That’s just how it is. 

But there’s this one other thing he can’t do, because – well, he’s a dumb mechanic who dropped out of school.

For example, he can’t meet Castiel Novak as an equal. He’s Sammy’s colleague, and according to his brother, one of their best lawyers.

He’s also hot as hell, smarter than anyone Dean has ever known (well, except for his brother, but it doesn’t really count in this context), inherited a fortune from his parents and has this weird, dry sense of humour that Dean has really learned to appreciate at Sam’s and Jess’ parties. 

He’s also an omega.

And Dean’s an alpha.

But, as before stated, there are some things that Dean just can’t do, and, well –   
Courting someone who’s so far out of his league he might as well live in another dimension is one of them. 

_Courting_. 

It’s not really that formal affair that it used to be, these days; most use it as a synonym for dating, and that’s more or less what it is. But still – Dean thinks of it as… letting Castiel – Cas (and no one will ever learn that’s how he calls him in his head) know he’s interested.

Never going to happen.

If he were to ask him out on a date, he’d probably tilt his head and squint and stare at Dean funny, and he would be left to listen to Sam’s lecture as to why he shouldn’t hit on his nice co-workers.

So, yeah. Talking to him when they meet at Sam’s and now and then indulging some stupid fantasies it is.

Stupid fantasies because, try as he might, Dean surpassed the sexy fantasies long ago, and now they usually turn around being good enough, being rich and smart or at least nice and showing up at Sam’s and Cas’ office in a limousine with roses and champagne.

So he’s a little corny. So what. No one will ever know.

Least of all Cas.

Dean doesn’t really get why he’s not mated yet. Sam once let drop that he’s about a year older than Dean, making him thirty-eight. Then again, maybe he doesn’t want to mate and have children. Not everyone does.

But still – it would be a shame not to pass on that pretty blues to the next generation.

Not with Dean’s help, obviously. Even if Cas were interested through some miracle, he’s the last person on earth who should be allowed near children.

He should really let go, he decides one day. He already knows he’ll never find a mate, never have a family – no one deserves to have to put up with his sorry ass for the rest of his life. So these little fantasies can only hurt in the long run.

So he’s going to stop thinking about Cas.

The resolution lasts exactly one day. He and Sam are supposed to meet for lunch, but while he’s waiting in the common area of the large glass-tower (and as always feeling painfully inadequate, but what wouldn’t he do for his little brother?) the elevator doors slide open and out comes Cas. And he walks up straight to him.

“Dean. Sam asked me to let you know he’s busy with a case and sadly can’t keep his appointment.”

Dean nods, although he can’t help but fear that this is the beginning of what he expected long ago, of a Sam who simply has no time for his dumb brother; but Cas doesn’t leave. Instead, he shuffled his feet, looks away, looks back at him, tilts his head and finally says, “But I’d gladly accompany you, if you’d like.”

Of course Dean likes the idea. Even if he suspects they won’t find a single satisfying topic to talk about.

Belatedly, he realizes he brought Cas to the diner he usually frequents with Sam, but the lawyer seems happy enough.

And, surprisingly, there’s not one awkward silence all through lunch. They talk about everything from Cas’ and Sam’s lawyering to Dean’s job, from politics to literature (he reads. Now and then).

And Dean finds himself imagining once again how it would be if he deserved Cas, if he could court Cas. Take him to restaurants he’s used to. Offer him expensive holidays. Actually prove that he’d be a good mate.

It’s never going to happen, but he still wishes it could.

Especially since his stupid crush has grown exponentially in the last two hours and –

Two. Hours.

“I guess we have to get back to work” he supplies, a little sad because it’s time to leave the one not-date he’ll ever have with Cas behind, and the lawyer smiles at him and asks for his number.

And Dean, stupid son of a bitch that he is, gives it to him.

And then he’s friends with the most perfect unattainable guy he ever met. 

At least he guesses that’s what they are. There are more lunch non-dates, and they go to the movies now and then. They are at each other’s apartments constantly, spending the evenings together, even if Dean prefers it when Cas comes to his so he isn’t remind of the differences between them because Cas’ place is freaking huge. When Sam and Jess invite them both, they spend the evening just talking to one another. They text all the time.

Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that they’re not courting. Then Dean looks in a mirror, remembers who he is, and that’s that.

Still, it’s nice to pretend on a regular basis. To sit in a diner and see Cas’ smile and imagine that he’ll actually go home with this man eventually. That there might be mating involved in the future.

Of course it all comes crushing down, as he knew it would.

Six months into their non-courting friendship, he arrives at the office to pick Cas up for another lunch.

But when Cas exits the building he’s not alone.

There’s someone with him, handsome, blonde, expensive suit, expensive watch. Obviously an alpha.

And flirting.

And Cas is flirting right back.

Dean’s heart sinks. Here he is, a lovesick mechanic hoping for another hour of pretend courting. And there’s a rich guy, probably another lawyer, flirting openly with Cas and getting all kinds of encouragement.

He’s pathetic.

Dean makes a decision. He’s not going to have lunch with Cas. What for? This guy is obviously keen on taking Cas out himself. And other than Dean, he actually has a chance. To be with Cas. To make him happy.

Dean takes out his phone and sends Cas a text that he’s too busy.

Then he leaves without taking another look at the couple.

He doesn’t cut all ties. They still text. He’s just keeping his distance. From what he saw, the guy with Cas was ready to start courting, and some alphas don’t appreciate another alpha hanging around their omega while they’re busy wooing.

So back to lonely evenings and lunches it is.

It was nice while it lasted, he supposes. To see what it would be like, if he actually felt he could have a relationship, could mate.

It hurts even though it shouldn’t.

It’s hard to hide from Sam and Jess what happened because a part of him is convinced he let his mate get away. Which is ridiculous.

When Sam and Jess invite him to dinner with the subtle hint that he can’t say no, he thinks there’s an intervention coming.

Thankfully it’s not anything like that, but Sam still looks troubled so of course Dean, as the awesome big brother he is, asks “What’s wrong?” as soon as he steps through the door.

Sam sighs.

“Nothing, it’s just… I’m worried about Cas.”

What? Is Cas ill? Did something happen at work? Did the rich douche do something to him? Dean is going to kill –

“Why?” he asks calmly. Really, he should win a freaking Oscar.

Sam shrugs. “He doesn’t want to talk about it, but apparently he was courting someone, and they just broke it off. He’s trying to stay friends with him, but… you know.”

It’s official. Rich douche bag is the biggest idiot on the planet. Seriously, he courted Cas and then left him? Just like that? Why? If he doesn’t like Cas, what else doesn’t he like? The sun? Happiness? Free drinks?

“Sorry to hear that. How’s he holding up?”

Seriously, Oscar material right there.

“He insists he’s okay, but you know Cas. He’ll never admit anything is wrong.”

He’s a little surprised at the “you know Cas”, but Sam is right. So it’s time to do the thing friends do.

In this case, show up at Cas’ place the next evening with a movie and takeout, as he often did before that asshole tried to ruin Cas’ life.  

His heart sinks when his friend opens the door. Cas has lost weight in the last three months. He looks tired.

Also surprised.

“Dean?”

He feels a twinge of guilt. He really shouldn’t have tried to cut Cas out of his life like that, but he couldn’t help it. It hurt too much. It still hurts looking at him and thinking that he’ll one day have a mate.

But this isn’t about him, it’s about Cas, so Dean holds up what he brought and Cas lets him in.

His friend is strangely quiet. Normally, he keeps talking the night away, but he hasn’t said above twenty words to Dean all evening, and he’s sitting as far away from him on the couch as he can.

Seriously, Dean is going to kill that bastard.

But first, he should probably… talk about it. That’s what friends do, right? Talk about stuff like that?

He takes a sip of his beer and takes a deep breath before he begins, eyes still locked on the movie, “Sam told me some asshole was dumb enough to leave you. Wanna talk about it?”

He thinks he’s hit just the right tone – playful yet serious – but when he throws Cas a glance, the lawyer looks downright pissed.

Now he’s just confused.

“Cas? What’s – “

“Is this some kind of joke? Because let me tell you, Dean Winchester, it’s not funny.”

Cas is glaring at him as he tries to make sense of it all.

“I have done my best to accept your decision. I’m not happy about it – I thought we were doing well, just going slow. It made me… very happy.”

Suddenly, he looks sad rather than angry. His eyes drop to his hands. He starts fiddling his fingers.

“I know I’m not a… “catch” as you say. But I still think I deserved something more than a cancelled lunch and only texts from there.”

“What?”

Dean doesn’t get where this is heading at all. What does Cas mean? What is he talking about?

“What – “

Cas looks at him. His eyes widen in surprise. He blushes.

“It’s – nothing. Forget it.”

And he looks away.

But now the wheels are turning in Dean’s head, and –

Was he the one –

Did Cas think –

“But – “ he splutters. “We did nothing like courting!”

Cas flinches.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant! It’s just – I mean – there were no dates or stuff like that, we just went to diners and watched movies and spend our evenings together – “

Okay, that does sound like dating. But still –

“And there was this guy –“

“Who?”

“At your office. Blonde, flirting with you, and you were flirting back –

“Balthazar. He’s a new colleague. Trust me, you have to flirt back if you don’t want to spend the whole time being annoyed. You’ll see when you meet him.”

Cas is suddenly calm, smiling, and then he takes Dean’s hand, and he’s got no idea where this is going, but he knows he should be honest.

“Like, Cas, if I could, I would do this right.”

Cas stares at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’d take you to all these up-scale restaurants, and I would’ve bought plane tickets so we could have gone to that bee convention you talked about, and there would have been gifts and stuff…” he trails off.

“Why did you think I needed anything like that?”

“Look at you! You’re hot, and nice, and smart, and you got money, and I’m just a mechanic, I’m dumb, I’m…”

“My mate” Cas says simply.

Dean forgets how to breathe.

“What?”

Cas slips into his lap. Dean stares. His eyes are even more gorgeous from this angle.

“You’re my mate. If you want to be.”

Dean swallows.

Of course he wants to be. But that doesn’t mean he deserves Cas.

“But you could have – “

Cas kisses him and that shuts him up effectively.

“We’ll talk about your frankly alarming lack of self-worth later” he whispers.

“I’d like to have sex now.”

That’s a request Dean can’t bring himself to deny.

Later that night, he doesn’t know how much later, Cas nuzzles his neck and says, “We are mating. Just to be clear.”

Dean’s too spent from the whiplash of the day to say anything else but “Okay.”

“Also, I’m spending the rest of my life trying to make you see how amazing you are.”

“Only if I get to cook for you” Dean answers because Cas in the kitchen is a mistake he doesn’t want to repeat.

He can feel Cas smile against his skin.

Because Dean has never been the most patient of men, and Cas is apparently “tired of misunderstandings” they mate the next morning.

Quite a few heads turn when Dean walks into work with a mating mark on his neck because he doesn’t believe in the whole ownership bullshit and wanted Cas to mark him to, but he doesn’t care.

He’s on cloud freaking nine.

Also, moving into Cas’ huge apartment as soon as possible.

And spending the rest of his life with Cas.

Kids. Good God, they can have a family.

Yeah. Nothing’s gonna dampen his mood today.

Cas texts him to let him know he invited Sam and Jess for dinner. Even better.

When he opens the door that evening, having left Cas to watch the stove (just watch) Sam stares at his mark for a second before grinning like a fool, and Jess launches herself at Dean to hug him.

“Thank God. We were so worried.”

Dean frowns, leading Dean into the dining room.

“What do you mean?”

“Hello, Sam, Jess. I turned off the stove” Cas informs him, coming out of the kitchen, taking Dean’s hand.

Sam snorts.

“Did you really think I didn’t know?”

Dean never told them he and Cas even spent time together.

“I –“ he begins, puzzles, and his brother and Jess laugh uncontrollably for a few minutes before Sam forces out, “Dean – really, how you were looking at one another – why do you think I never made it to lunch that day?”

_Oh_.

Dean stares, shrugs, and turns to kiss his mate.

 Life is good.


	35. Best Laid Plans

Dean Winchester is perfect. 

Perfect for what Castiel Novak has in mind, that is. 

For years, he has tried to find the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend. He’s come close, but it’s never been just right, never how he imagined it.

But even when he came close – 

His family hated them. 

And one of the most important points on his list (yes, he has a checklist for his significant other; after all, it is one of the most important decisions he’ll ever make) is Must get along with my family.

It took him years to understand that his family probably doesn’t understand. 

Even his aunt Naomi, who never married and whose only relationship crashed and burned years ago, according to family legend, keeps talking about “true love” and “cloud nine” and how one can see immediately whether or not a couple belongs together, but why she has never seen that with any of Castiel’s past relationships, he doesn’t know. 

Hannah, Inias, a few others – they all checked off most of the points on his list, and see where it got him. They were intelligent, quiet, polite. And yet they never connected with his family.

So he’s decided to show them. He’ll date the most unsuitable person he can find, and they’ll understand the importance of his list.

And then he meets Dean Winchester. His car breaks down one day, and he manages to steer it towards a garage he passes on his way to work every day. 

It’s rather small but well-kept, and he has to admit the mechanic (owner, as it later turns out) who greets him is attractive. Tall, green eyes, freckle. He’s polite too. But he keeps on talking all throughout fixing Cas’ car, and they don’t have anything in common, as far as he can tell. 

Dean is loud, loves cars, football, rock music, and telling everyone in his proximity about it, apparently. Cas suspects he can be rather annoying as well. 

But that’s just perfect. This means he can date him for a while, have no feelings involved on either side and then visit his family, gain their disapproval and break it off. And they’ll never annoy him again. 

So he asks Dean out after the end of the mechanic’s monologue, and Dean is surprisingly pleased.

Of course they don’t go to any of the upscale restaurants Cas has been used to since he was a child, but to a small diner that evening, but his evening passes surprisingly pleasant nonetheless. Dean doesn’t talk as much when he’s concentrating on eating, and he’s actually quite funny.

Plus, as he finds out a few dates later, the sex is perfectly satisfactory. 

Cas can do this easily, he decides. 

Dean is no one he would ever date without his ingenious plan, and he suspects it could lead to complications, but – another reason he’s perfect – it’s clear Dean’s heart isn’t easily touched. He needs forever to open up to Cas about his mother’s death and his father’s reaction, and the person he seems to talk the most to aside from Cas is his brother. 

So Cas assumes he’ll come out of their relationship unscathed. He could tell him the truth, but he doesn’t know how good an actor Dean is, and he needs his family to believe him.

Dean, as it turns out, is not that bad a boyfriend – aside from not being the sort of person Cas looks for. He loves to cuddle and hold his hand, brings him lunch to school when he can’t take a break. It’s much easier than Cas anticipated to be with him.  

They started dating in September, and Cas registers with surprise that it’s already December when his mother calls him. 

So their first and last family gathering will be on the second day of Christmas. 

They have decided that this year, they’ll still spend the day with their respective families (“We haven’t been together that long” Dean said with a blush, so he can’t be that much into their relationship either). 

Of course they grill him about Dean, and he is surprised how much he remembers. Dean is a mechanic, he’s funny, he’s charming if he wants to be, he loves movies and certain books. 

Aunt Naomi is smiling like the Cheshire Cat when he’s finished, and he realizes he’s been speaking for a quarter of an hour, much longer than he usually does. 

And the rest of his family seems happy too. He’s confused. Dean’s his polar opposite; shouldn’t they be considered?

He’ll just have to wait until they actually meet him.

Dean has a shopping bag with him when they walk up to his parent’s house, and Cas is confused until he blushes and mumbles that he brought a few presents.

Warmth fills Cas’ chest. He really hopes he and Dean can stay friends after tonight. He actually likes him much more than he ever thought he would. 

And then it all goes wrong.

Mainly because everything goes right. 

Dean discusses pie recipes with Gabriel, old timers with Balthazar, Vonnegut with Anna, compliments his mother’s sense for interior design, and he and Naomi are soon the best of friends. She keeps grinning at the two of them. 

By the time Dean excuses himself for a minute, he’s fed up. 

Especially because everyone starts gushing the moment he leaves, and he can’t help it.

“You like him?” he asks, completely surprised.

“You have no idea! I’ve never seen you like this, Castiel” Naomi begins immediately, and would go on if Cas didn’t interrupt him with – 

“But I brought him with me to show it could never work?”

“What?” Anna asks as Gabriel and Balthazar stare at him, understanding slowly dawning on their faces.

“He’s nothing like what I should date. I thought if you met him, you’d see how wrong he is – “

“CASSIE!”

It’s Balthazar who stops him, staring over his shoulder, looking ill.

Cas realizes and turns around.

He didn’t expect the pain in his stomach when he looks at Dean.

He didn’t expect to feel so sorry.

He didn’t expect Dean to be crushed. 

But he obviously is. For a second, there’s nothing but pain on his face, then he clears his throat and forces a laugh. 

His eyes are empty.

“Yeah. We met when I fixed his car and he asked me if we could play a joke on you guys – “ He laughs again and it’s clear that he’s acting. 

He’s doing his best, but he’s acting.

Cas’ stomach sinks. 

Dean is in love with him.

How? They’re so different –

He doesn’t understand why he feels like crying, looking at Dean. 

Who’s now slowly retreating, keeping up his story of a “joke” before turning around and all but fleeing the house. 

It’s not his mother who begins.

It’s Naomi. 

“I never thought I’d see the day where I’d be so disappointed in a relative. I’m sorry Martha, but your son – “

She stops and leaves without another word.

“Wow” Gabriel says. “You really fucked up there, Cassie.”

He thinks it’s best if he leaves.

He returns home to find Dean’s clothes gone and his key on the table. 

He doesn’t understand why he’s crying.

This was never going to last, wasn’t it?

He doesn’t have feelings for Dean, right?

A week spent moping and crying and snivelling in the phone (to Gabriel, the only one of his family who still speaks to him) proves him different.

“I don’t understand” he says one day. “He’s so different, and he’s loud, and he’s –“

And then he starts sobbing for no reason, and when he finally forces out “He’s perfect” Gabriel says “I know.”

“What do I do?”

“It’s your decision, brother mine. But if you want my opinion: Grovel. You’ll never find someone like him again. You were actually smiling and talking. Do you know how long we wanted to see you this happy?”

He hangs up without a word because Gabriel is right.

He was happy without realizing it.

He fell in love without realizing it. 

And he needs to get Dean back. He’s going to spend the rest of their lives making it up to him, if he’ll allow him. 

When Dean opens his door, he looks tired, care-worn.

“I thought you didn’t keep any stuff here.”

“I don’t.”

“Then why are you here? Do you want to laugh at me? I get it. I should have known. There’s no way I could be with someone like you. It had to be an act. And you were so perfect too – “ Dean’s voice breaks. He isn’t shouting; he just looks resigned, sad.

“I get. I really do. Please, Cas, just go.”

“No!” He puts his foot in the door so Dean won’t close it.

“Please, Dean – You don’t – “

“What, Cas? I don’t understand? Yeah, I’m too dumb to –“

“NO! Dean, I did something horrible. My whole plan… It was just awful. And only so that my family would stop nagging. I’m so sorry. But – I – Dean – I’ve never been in love before. I didn’t recognize the feeling.”

“What?” Dean looks terribly confused. 

“I love you. I was too stupid to realize. We’re so different, but you are the only one I ever want to wake up to again. Or fall asleep next to. Cuddle on the couch with. Please, let me try to convince you. I’ll do anything.”

Dean lets him in.

And hours of talking later, when Dean kisses him and it feels like their first, Cas lets himself hope he’s starting to believe him.  


	36. This Terrible Pathetic Love

They’re in love.

Dean never thought he’d end up here, but it’s true. 

They’re in love.

Dean is aware that it won’t last, of course. Even if neither of them find their soulmate, and this is highly unlikely, considering 95% of the population do, someone like Cas would never stay with someone like Dean. He’s smart, hot, funny. Dean is the foul-mouthed mechanic with enough relationships under his belt for a lifetime. 

He’s enjoying a good thing while it lasts. And it’s easy to forget that what they have isn’t forever when Cas comes home after a long day dealing with students and wraps his arms around him when he’s preparing dinner, kissing his neck. Or when they go out to dinner and his boyfriend refuses to let go of his hand.  

Dean is happy.

Until he isn’t. 

He has never missed colours; how can you miss something you can never have? True, sometimes he gets sad when he remembers that he has Mum’s eyes and would like to know what they look like, or that Cas, according to Gabriel, is supposed to have very beautiful baby blues; but in the end, green and blue are just words that don’t mean anything to them. 

Until they do.

Their day starts like any other. Cas wakes up before Dean, smiling at his boyfriend, who has once again burrowed himself into his pillow and blanket, and kisses the back of his neck before getting up.

He used to now and then be angry that he couldn’t see colours when his parents could; but ever since he met Dean, he hasn’t missed them. Dean is all he could ever want as a partner. 

The thought of finding his soulmate once filled him with excitement. These days, it causes dread. He doesn’t want to lose this. 

If he has any say in this, he’ll never leave Dean for someone else. Even if he finds his soulmate. Even if he can see colours. 

He loves Dean. And Dean loves him. And that should be enough.

And yet today is the day it happens. There’s a new teacher in Cas’ school. Her name is Meg Masters. 

After they’ve politely talked for five minutes it happens. 

At first, he doesn’t understand. Things look… off. Different.

“Oh” is all he says when he understands. 

“Sounds about right, Clarence” Meg says, smiling like the cat that got the cream. Cas isn’t sure he’s entirely comfortable with that smile.

“I have a boyfriend” he quickly announces.

She narrows her eyes. 

“I know. Hannah told me. Oh, well. You know it can’t last. Same-sex couples never do. Only heterosexual partners are soulmates.”

It’s a fact of life Cas has never understood. Why shouldn’t people be in homosexual relationships their whole lives? But even those who identify as “queer” end up with a partner of the opposite sex; and more than that, it’s considered wrong to be together with someone who isn’t your soulmate. Times are changing slowly, thank God, but he knows there are those who won’t understand. 

He doesn’t mind. And he tells Meg. 

She shrugs, as if she’ll wait for him to come to his senses, and Cas leaves her, furious at the soulmate system. 

He knows Dean, and he knows he’ll probably think this far more important than Cas does; after all, John Winchester raised him with stories of the perfect soulmate he lost when Dean was four years old, and sometimes he still finds it difficult to let go of the mindset. 

So he’ll… not tell Dean. Or rather, do so slowly, prepare him. 

Of course that’s not how it happens. 

It is Cas’ fault, but when he comes home that night…

People were right. 

Dean’s eyes are incredibly green, and if Cas thought he was beautiful before…  
He pulls him into a passionate kiss. Dean is the first to step back, chuckling.

“Not that I don’t like it, but what’s got into you?”

“Nothing” he answers quickly, too quickly. Dean gives him a strange look, but shrugs his shoulders and asks what he wants for dinner.

He figures it out two hours later. Cas shouldn’t have stared so much, but in truth he couldn’t help it. 

But Dean’s highly intelligent. And when he sits down next to Cas on the sofa, there’s a distant, pained look in his eyes, and Cas knows he knows.

“You found her.” 

It’s not a question.

So Cas tells him the truth. 

“Cas, I’m – “ Dean stops. Swallows. Tries again. “I’m happy for you. This is great news. You get to see the colours… And you can have a family…”

The only one Cas wants to have a family with is Dean. It’s not impossible anymore; the Supreme Court declared a few months ago that not-soulmates are allowed to marry and use surrogates. 

He reaches out and takes Dean’s hand.

“I’m not leaving you.”

“But – “

“I’m not leaving you.”

And he kisses Dean. His boyfriend smiles slightly when they pull back, and Cas hopes he’s got through to him. 

* * *

Dean watches Cas sleep that night. He doesn’t care that it’s creepy. 

He won’t be able to much longer.

No matter what Cas says, Dean wants him to have a perfect life. To be as happy as he can be.

And that’s what soulmates are all about.

Meg is perfect for him.  

Dean isn’t.

It sucks, and his heart is broken, but that’s how it is. 

He feels certain that Cas would come after him if he just left, however, so he has to do it slowly. Not be home in the evenings. Not touch him anymore. Keep his distance. Move out when they’re barely talking.

The thought alone hurts like Hell, but it’s what he has to do.

So he does. 

* * *

It’s been a week since they’ve really talked, a month since they’ve kissed. Cas doesn’t understand. When it started, when Dean wasn’t home when he returned from work, he asked what was wrong, but he insisted everything was fine.

He’s losing him. And he doesn’t know why.

It can’t be because of his soulmate. He’s made it clear he wants Dean.

But it seems that Dean doesn’t want him anymore. 

* * *

This is it. The last night.

Dean only ever returns to the apartment when Cas is asleep anymore, and tomorrow he won’t. He found a small place near the garage; it’ll never be home, not like this, but it will do. 

He’ll never forget the small movements Cas makes in his sleep, he knows.  
Hell, he’s never going to forget any of this. The laughs, the kisses, the gentle touches.

The love. 

Cas is everything he ever wanted, but he was never Dean’s to keep. He’ll be someone else’s, his soulmate’s, and he’s going to be happy.

Once Dean is out of the picture, he’ll be happy with her. Dean is nothing to cry over, and Cas will realize that soon enough. 

He’s slowly removed his things from the apartment; all that remains are a few things from the bathroom and some odds and ends from the bedroom. 

He takes the picture of them on their last holiday in Miami with him.   
It was a wonderful road trip.

And it’s not like Cas will need it. 

He stays longer than he should, far longer. But he needs to memorize him one last time. 

Finally, finally he forces himself to press a soft kiss on Cas’ forehead and leaves. 

When he wakes up, Dean’s key is on the kitchen table. He’s surprised at how little surprised he is.

Cas doesn’t cry. Despite how it ended, these were the best three years of his life. He’s not going to mar them now. Even if he couldn’t keep Dean. Even if Dean fell out of love with him. 

It’s more out of convenience than anything else that he gets together with Meg after a month. Gabe keeps insisting that he should get out, have fun. Perhaps he’s right; Cas has spent the last month staring at pictures of him and Dean, remembering their relationship. 

He’ll always cherish them, but he knows he has to move forward. 

So he asks her out on a date. 

* * *

Dean just had a fight with Sam – another one – about his breakup, or not-breakup with Cas, so he’s getting a burger to forget about it.

And that’s when he sees them.

Cas and a woman, Meg, Dean presumes, are sitting in that new Italian place they would have checked out together if they were still a couple.

And, as Dean watches, she leans over and kisses him.

He blinks and tries to dispel the tears that are threatening to fall.

He hasn’t been able to smile since he left, and Cas has already moved on.

One month. That was all it took.

It just proves something Dean has known for a long time, but forgot while he was with Cas.

He is pathetic. 

He is worthless. 

* * *

It’s easy to be with Meg. There are no commitment issues like the ones he had to navigate carefully with Dean in the beginning, they never fight. They develop a routine quickly. She moves into his and - his apartment out of convenience. 

They fit.

And yet there’s nothing of the passion he felt with his ex-boyfriend. No spark.

No love.

He still loves Dean, and after two months with Meg, he admits he always will.

He tells her because it’s only fair, but she waves it off.

“This isn’t about love. This is about soulmates. We see colours and we’re gonna make adorable babies some day, and that’s all there is to it.”

He wonders what happened to make her see things in such a light, but he doesn’t ask.

Dean meets his soulmate. There’s nothing that’s supposed to be there, no real chemistry, she comes in to have her car fixed and he sees colours and it doesn’t mean anything because he doesn’t get to see Cas’ eyes.

Her name is Lisa. 

They go for coffee and talk.

Halfway through the meal, she looks at him and smiles an understanding smile.

“What’s her name?”

“His” he answers automatically. 

“Cas. What about you?”

“Dave. He’s Ben’s father.” She told him all about her son, and considering Dean wants a family, everything would be perfect if they weren’t both in love with someone else. 

“He found his soulmate when I was pregnant.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah. It does.” She chuckles mirthlessly. 

“Makes you want to tear down the system, don’t you think?” 

Dean agrees with her.

They part as friends. 

* * *

“So, Cassie, how’s the soulmate treating you?”

Cas looks at Balthazar and says flatly, “She’s great.”

She is. Just not for him. 

Balthazar raises an eyebrow. Leans over. Whispers in his ear, “Keep thinking.”

Cas has no idea what he means. 

Life goes on.

He tells Sam he found his soulmate, mostly because he’d notice that Dean can see colours anyway.

“And you won’t even try with her?”

“No use”. Dean takes a sip of his beer. “We’re both in love with someone else, Sammy. Makes the whole thing kinda awkward.”

When no answer comes, he looks at his brother. Sam is clearly uncomfortable.

“You alright?”

Sam swallows.

“I – Dean – “

“What’s wrong?” he asks, immediately reaching out to him. 

Sam shakes his head.

“Nothing – it’s just – Jess and I met in college. We were different people back then.”

Dean has suspected for a while now that things aren’t the same in the Winchester-Moore household, but he didn’t say anything. He knew Sam would come to him eventually. He always does.

“There’s someone else” he states. He knows that look.

Sam starts worrying the label of his beer bottle. “Sarah. She’s a colleague. Of course I don’t – I would never – but – “

He looks at Dean, completely lost. His big brother shrugs his shoulders.

“Guess we’re both renegades” he says simply. 

“Guess you’re right” Sam replies. 

They offer each other silent comfort. 

* * *

Cas sees Dean on the street. It’s late, and he’s walking home slowly.

There was a time when he couldn’t wait to get to his apartment. He tries not to remember. 

But then he sees Dean on the other side of the street.

He doesn’t look well. He looks down on the pavement, not in front. He’s lost weight. All Cas wants to do is pull him in his arms, but he’s not allowed to anymore. He’s not supposed to wish for it. 

Cas realizes he hates the soulmate system. 

* * *

Months drag by. Dean is still alone. He can’t imagine finding someone else; is soulmate is just as hung up on someone as he is, and the one person who ever made him feel like he belonged with them –

He keeps the picture of the road trip on his nightstand, even though he shouldn’t. Cas is happy with his soulmate. He shouldn’t have the picture. 

He clings to it like he clings to his memories.

During one of Sam’s and Jess’ parties, he meets Sarah and realizes she has a soulmate, and that she has feelings for Sam too.

He catches Jess’ eyes. 

She doesn’t look sad. She looks tired.

They’re all screwed. 

* * *

Cas can’t remember the exact shade of Dean’s eyes anymore, and it hurts more than it should. Dean has probably found his soulmate at this point, and is as happy as he deserves. 

Cas isn’t. He’s sure Meg isn’t either. They don’t talk about it.

Out of desperation (and perhaps a need to punish himself) he starts researching soulmates, looks for reasons why homosexual relations are never meant to be, why people fall in love with someone else than the one they’re meant for, but he finds no answers. In fact, all the works about soulmates he can find are strangely vague.

True, there are some sites that insist that there are no soulmates period. That it is all a ploy from the government, has been for hundreds of years, and that the United States are not blessed, as opposed to Europe, where people are born with the ability to see colours and unmatched, but cursed.

It’s too crazy to contemplate.

He thinks so until the new IT teacher arrives at school.

Charlie Bradbury, highly intelligent, redhead, bubbly, as happy as she could be with her soulmate Gerald.

At least he thinks so until she approaches him one day at lunch and murmurs, 

“Meet me in the park after school.”

He has no idea why he does.

“I always check the internet search histories of those I meet” she begins. “Let’s me know if there are kindred spirits around.”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t buy this soulmate-crap either, do you?”

He stares at her, completely shocked. “What – “

“Please. You hang around school forever. You don’t want to go home to your “perfect match.””

“What about your soulmate?”

“Is still seeing the girl he loved, they grew up together. And he has nothing against me being with my girlfriend, whose soulmate by the way is privy to the arrangement as well.”

Cas feels dizzy.

“So” Charlie asks, “Who is it?”

And he tells her all about Dean.

In exchange, she tells him The Truth.

Capitalized because, according to her, it’s going to change everyone’s life. 

“There are no soulmates”.

Cas shook his head.

“The colours – “

“Infants are injected, right after birth. No one knows one of the needles doesn’t hold a vaccine. Instead, it makes you colourblind.”

“Colour…blind…” he stammers. 

She nods. 

“Took me a while to figure out, but really, it’s simple. You know how it takes a while for the colours to come, even if you meet your soulmate?”

Cas nods.

“It can take up to three days, according to surveys. Guess why. The government can only use the spray – odourless, invisible – that reverses the process in public, and when they notice two good breeders have found one another.”

She spits the last words.

“Good breeders?”

“Yeah, would you believe that? They want people to produce good, healthy babies, so they pick out “soulmates” at birth!”

“That sounds… incredible” Cas says, because he’s convinced Charlie is just a conspiracy nut at this point.

“Oh?” she asks. “And what about Dean? Didn’t you feel happier with him than you ever were with your soulmate?”

Cas looks away.

It’s true.

After all these months, after he’s tried and tried, he still loves Dean. 

“And we could get proof, if that’s what you want.”

Cas stares at her. “How?”

“That’s the thing; we need to find a doctor who’d be ready to steal a vaccine. And God knows it won’t be easy.”

“Jess” Cas hears himself say. “She’s Dean’s brother’s soulmate.”

“And will she help us?”

That’s just the thing.

Will she?

Cas only knows one thing for sure.

He needs to see Dean. 

* * *

Dean can’t believe his eyes when he opens his door and Cas is standing in front of him. 

He believes it even less when he storms in and starts a long, winded explanation as to why soulmates are not meant to be and how the government controls everything.

“Cas, you should sit down. You – “

“NO!”

Cas backs him up against a wall. Takes his hands. Presses them against his heart.

“Tell me you feel nothing. Tell me what we had didn’t feel right. Like it was meant to be.”

Dean’s heart beating fast.

“I can’t” he breathes, and Cas kisses him.

It feels like coming home. 

Which is way later that day they go to Sam’s and Jess’ and ask the doctor if she can steal something from the hospital.

“Are you insane?” Sam exclaims. “You can’t possible – “

“Sam” Jess interrupts him quietly.

“You can’t – “

“Sam” she repeats. “Stop it. I don’t believe in soulmates anymore, and neither do you.”

“But – you and me – “ he stutters. 

“Have grown up. You will always mean much to me, but we have to face it: We aren’t in love anymore. Look at Dean and Cas. They are. Are we to believe that fate should tear them apart?”

Sam is quiet after that. 

They never learn how Jess manages, but a small nick on her cheek and a look in her eyes leads Dean to believe that it was a close call.

It’s hard to remember though because Cas is back and everything feels right. They hold hands, they kiss, they make love, and Meg moves out of Cas’ – no, Cas’ and Dean’s apartment – without complaint, mumbling about finding someone. He hopes she does.

The results come back.

The vaccine is poison. 

The vaccine makes people colour-blind. 

Charlie blows up the internet.

That’s the right word for it, really; thousands of people get anonymous emails, webpages of newspaper are hacked, tv shows start talking about it.

There are those who don’t believe them.

But there are many that do, and the government is forced to resign and to stop the vaccine. And it soon becomes clear that children can indeed see colours.

The divorce rate skyrockets. All over America, people search out those they had to leave behind when they thought they were meant to be someone else.

Life gets more complicated.

Life becomes wonderful.

One day, Dean sees Lisa in the distance and waves, and as she waves back, there’s a ring on her finger, and behind her, he sees a little boy coming up hand-in-hand with someone he’s sure is called Dave. 

It’s the day he comes home and finds Cas with a ring in his hand.

“You better say yes, because I’m never letting you go again.”

“That sounds like a threat, Mr. Winchester.”

Cas kisses him. Slips the ring on his finger.

Dean knows one thing for sure: He and Cas are meant to be.  

_It is just that sometimes life rewards those who believe in man and his terrible and pathetic love.  
Albert Camus, The Plague. _


	37. Push And Pull

Sam is trapped in the cage. Dean asked him to be careful, being suspicious from the get-go of this whole God wants me to do this thing, and now…

Not to mention Amara and the kiss.

And Crowley won’t take his calls. Probably because this stupid witch of a mother is still around. 

So he calls Cas, even though it’s… complicated. Ever since he was forced to kick him out of the bunker, ever since he found him again and felt his heart beat faster at finding him alive and well in that Gas N’ Sip…

Not that it matters. Not that any of it matters, not Dean’s doubts, not Cas’ constantly-changing status in Heaven (do the angels up there even know what they want, these days?). 

What matters is that, even if Dean got his head out of his arse sooner, Cas wouldn’t have wanted him. 

Somehow Amara’s kiss made everything clear to him, because he suddenly realized that he wants to choose who he ends up with, and that’s Cas. It’s not going to happen, but he still wants Cas. 

Kind of ironic, considering what Amara wants, and she’s probably going to get it because his thoughts go all foggy and it’s so easy to agree to anything she tells him when he’s in the weird trance-state she puts him in. Even now, thinking of her, he can feel the pull she spoke of. 

Spending an eternity as the Darkness’ play-thing is not something he looks forward to. And it’s his own fault. If he never took the Mark of Cain…

The rumble of Cas’ Lincoln is most welcome. He opens the door before he even knocks. Cas looks at his face and pales.

“What happened?”

Dean tells him. 

Cas looks at the floor, out the window, everywhere but at him, and Dean’s heart sinks. 

“I can’t get him out” he says. “I’m sorry, Dean, but – I’m not as strong as I was…”

“I know” Dean replies bitterly, remembering that Cas would be if he didn’t make the stupid decision to always be there for them. 

“And guess what?” he lets out a short, sharp laugh. “That’s not even our only problem right now.”

Cas frowns at him.

“It’s the Darkness, Cas. Amara. She kissed me, and she wants us to be together – and I can’t stop it. She just… has this hold over me. Fucking ironic, right? Dean Winchester, champion of Free Will, gets ordered around by God’s sister to be her hubby, and he is – “

“Dean – “

Pain rips through Cas. From the moment Dean took on the Mark of Cain, he had been scared of the consequences. He is not surprised Amara wants him. She probably would even without their bond; he remembers the bright light of Dean’s soul guiding him to Alastair’s torture chamber. 

He knew her powers were strong; he didn’t know that she had a sway over Dean.

No matter what happens, he’ll make sure his Righteous Man isn’t forced by her to become her… partner. He shudders. Dean, lost to him – 

No. Dean can’t be more lost to him than he is now. He’ll never share Cas’ desires. 

“I know, I know. Serves me right.”

“Don’t say that.”

“What else, then? I finally figure out what I want, who I want and surprise, it’s not like it’s ever going to happen in the first place, but here, have someone you won’t even be happy you’re with – “

“Dean – “

“And by the way, your little brother’s s trapped in Hell again!”

Dean sat down heavily on the bed. “And I probably won’t even have the time to look for him before she gets me” he concludes bitterly.

Cas comes to sit beside him. He needs to be close. He needs to feel Dean safe next to him, instead of in Amara’s clutches. 

“We’ll figure it out” he tries to comfort him with a sentence he’s heard Dean pronounce how many times?

Suddenly he remembers that Dean said there’s someone he wants. Somehow, it makes him feel even worse. And yet, once everything’s over, if he’s still alive, he will do anything so they can find happiness. Anything for Dean. 

“Perhaps you should call them” he suggests. “Amara’s spell might not be as strong if you are interested in someone else.”

Dean laughs again, but it’s another of those laughs that make Cas feel slightly ill. 

“Trust me, that’s not true. ‘Cause I’m here sitting with him, and I can still feel – “

He realizes what he said and snaps his mouth shut.

Too late. Too freaking late.

“Dean?” Cas asks, wide-eyed and shocked. Dean clears his throat.

“Sorry to just spring it on you. I know you’re not – it’s just like – she kisses me and all I can think about is you and how I’d actually like this if – well, you were involved instead of your aunt.” Cas throws him a bitchface that could rival Sam’s and he continues, because Cas being angry with him is still better than Cas leaving, “And I think she felt it too because she looked all confused – “  
Cas kisses him.

Dean has no idea how he came to do that, but God knows he has nothing against it. 

And when Cas pulls back and looks at with an expression that pretty much makes everything clear, Dean realizes that the pull, the itch that kept him on edge, ready to bolt in a second and go back to the Darkness when she called, is gone. 

He’s his own man again. Well, or Cas’, but who cares. 

“We will get Sam out” Cas promises, taking his hand. “We’ve always managed to cheat fate. We can do it again.”

Dean squeezes his hand and tells himself that, if Cas wants him despite – everything, they certainly can.


	38. First Christmas

As in the years before, Cas contemplates that his Aunt Naomi might be insane. 

She is a little unhinged at the best of times, but at Christmas, her eccentricity turns into a full-blown obsession with anything to do with the holiday. 

Which would be fine by him if she didn’t insist they all visit her every year. 

Also, that they all “contribute” to the Christmas cheer. 

Therefore, all through advent Cas has to deal with his siblings and cousins, plus Naomi’s calls. 

He grew tired of it years ago, but learned to live with it. 

What he didn’t expect, however, was his boyfriend of a few months getting into it.

 _Really_ into it. 

They’ve not been together for long, and they agreed that they’d see where it took them; and so far, Cas really, really likes where they’re going. 

But Dean’s on the phone with Naomi again and apparently they’re discussing where to best buy tinsel. 

If there’s one thing he didn’t see coming, it was Dean and his aunt hitting it off. But when they met two months ago, Naomi was all over him in an instant, almost crying about how happy he made Cas (well, he is rather happy, he will admit that) and Dean looked very pleased and here they are. 

With Dean having transformed both of their apartments into Winter 

Wonderland, helped Anna pick up decorations that are child-friendly and no danger to her toddler, coordinated with Gabriel to ensure they didn’t all die of a sugar overdose, and while they’re at it, managed to reconcile Michael and Luke to spending Christmas together.

It’s a miracle.

Cas just isn’t sure that he enjoys it. In a way, it is nice, on the other, his boyfriend, the man he – the man he’s together with has transformed into Santa Claus over night and it can be exhausting to come home and hear Christmas carols before he’s even through the door. 

At least Dean has been experimenting with Christmas cookies (again, to stop Gabriel from having a heart attack) so that’s something.

But do they have to watch a Christmas movie every single day of December?

“Lighten up, Scrooge” Dean tells him during the fifth version of A Christmas Carol.

“Bah, humbug” he mutters and cuddles up closer. He’s in – 

He likes Dean very much.

All in all, he realizes a week before Christmas, it’s actually better than last year, and he doesn’t mean because Dean’s there, even though that naturally has a lot to do with it.

He somehow shielded him from all of Naomi’s phone calls, so that’s a plus. 

He continues to shrug and simply buy Dean the AC/DC LP he always complains is way too expensive.

Until he learns, right on Christmas Eve, why this is so important to his boyfriend, why Christmas is so important.

He already knows Dean will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with him at Naomi’s, of course; on the 27th, Dean’s brother, who’s working on his PhD at Stanford, will visit them with his girlfriend, and Cas is not nervous about meeting him at all. 

What he doesn’t know is why Dean urges him to wear the ugly Christmas sweater he bought him on the 24th. He always wears a suit, a tie and his trench coat. It’s who he is.  

And when he snaps, “For God’s sake, Dean, it’s just _Christmas_ ” his boyfriend turns around and there are tears in his eyes and Cas feels like a jerk.

“Sorry” Dean says. “I just – I wanted to – “ he swallows. “We wanted to see where this is going, and – it never goes anywhere with me, I know that, any look at you, you’re perfect, and I wanted one Christmas with my gorgeous boyfriend, we never really had one when I was a kid – “

And Cas knows, because Dean told him all about his life, told him things he never told anyone, and he doesn’t know what to say because he made Dean cry on Christmas, and he feels like a jerk.

He takes him in his arms, whispers sweet nothings in his ear, promises to wear the sweater, and it takes only five minutes for Dean to be happy again because he still doesn’t believe he deserves apologies or anything for that matter.

Cas will change that. 

So he wears a smile (aside from a ridiculous sweater) for the first time in years as he enters Naomi’s house, 

Dean’s hand in his, as he watches Dean’s face light up like a child’s, as Naomi launches at them both and almost cries over their matching sweaters and drags Dean away to see the plastic icicles she bought.

It’s Gabriel and their cousin Balthazar who corner Cas, just like he suspected. 

“Cassie! What are you wearing?”

“A Christmas sweater” he answers, and he feels that he has no one to answer to, not with them both wearing those ridiculous antlers (in Gabriel’s case, over a Santa hat). 

“Dean bought it” he continues when they don’t say anything. 

“What?” he finally asks when they’re still silent. 

“Are you telling me you, the Grinch himself, is doing Christmas because your boyfriend asked?! I’ve been trying for years to get you to decorate one Gingerbread house with me – “

“Gabriel, I think we’re missing the big picture here” Balthazar says smoothly. He looks at Cas. 

“You’re going to marry this guy, aren’t you?”

Cas blushed, stutters, looks at Dean, who’s currenly fixing the lights with Naomis’ help because they weren’t quite perfect. 

“I just might” he finally answers completely calm.

Gabriel and Balthazar grin, and Cas, looking at Dean and his big grin again, finds another answer, one he only admits to himself. 

_I will._

**Ten years later**

_“But Papa – “  
_

“Now, Robbie, you know your Dad loves it when you wear the Santa hat.”

The five-year-old’s lip trembles. 

“But Mary only has to wear the dress with the Christmas tree on it – “

“Mary’s only one year old. You’re Papa’s and Daddy’s big boy.”

His face slowly lights up as he contemplates this.

“Will Daddy be very happy?”

“Yes, he will. And so will Uncle Sam, Aunt Jess, Aunt Naomi, Uncle Gabe and all the others.”

Robbie very determinedly puts the hat on his head and Cas laughs.

“That’s my boy.”

And they stroll into their beautifully decorated living room, where their husband and father awaits them with the biggest smile on his face.


	39. Broccoli And Hot Chocolate

Dean never says the words, mainly because they leave a bad taste in his mouth. 

Lexical-gustatory synesthesia. 

They taste like broccoli.

And he hates broccoli.

It was bad enough that he had to hear the words a million times when Dad still insisted he had to be fixed and dragged him to doctor after doctor; really, there’s nothing wrong with him, he just tastes certain words when he hears or pronounces them himself, no big deal, he will admit that he doesn’t like certain tastes (like broccoli), but on the whole, he’s not angry at his lot.

Plus, Sam or Sammy tastes like hamburgers, so he got really lucky there. 

Most of his friends or acquaintances don’t even know he has… that thing (thinking the words does nothing, but he won’t tempt fate). It’s not important. It doesn’t matter. It’s normal for him. It’s not like he’s freaking Kandinsky (oranges) or something - he doesn’t use his weird ability for anything.

He uses his hands, he restores old cars, and he couldn’t ask for a better job.   
Sometimes, however it gets a little distracting.

He’s talking to Mr. Walker (earwax) about his Mustang (salad), when someone (cool aid) enters his shop.

Oh. Pretty hot guy, if Dean’s allowed (peaches) to think like this about a potential customer. and even if he isn’t, he can’t help it. 

These eyes, these blue, blue (peppermint) eyes.

And the rest isn’t bad either.

The man waits patiently while he deals with Mr. Walker and only speaks after he has left the shop.

“My cousin Balthazar recommended you to me. You restored a Bentley for him a few months back.”

Dean nods; he remembers the flamboyant man with the well-cared for car. He liked him, even though he could be annoying at times. 

“I would like you to take a look at my Lincoln, if that’s possible.”

“Of course” Dean says immediately, “did you drive into the lot?”

The man nods and they take a look at the car together.

It’s beautiful and obviously loved, and Dean sees at once that he won’t have to do much.

“A new coat of paint, maybe” he suggests. “And the rims could use a little work.”

“You obviously love what you’re doing” the man says, and he’s smiling at him - is he flirting? Dean blushes. He never knows, with guys.

Please let him be flirting.

“Yeah, I do. What about you?”

He smiles happily as he replies, “I’m a teacher.”

“If your students are anything like me, you’ve got your work cut out for you.”

“I’m sure that’s not true” the man assures him, and Dean is taken aback by the sincerity in his eyes. 

He realizes that they haven’t introduced themselves yet and extends his hand.  
“Dean Winchester.”

His grip is firm, just right.

“Castiel Novak.”

And Dean tastes it.

Hot chocolate. 

Castiel Novak tastes like hot chocolate, rich and warm, and Dean wants to spend the rest of the day saying nothing else.

Of course he decides instead to talk about the car, and he’s impressed; Cas (even the short version he soon decides is the only way to call him since he allowed him to use his first name tastes like hot chocolate) knows exactly where it’s at, making impressing him all the more important.

Not that Dean is trying to impress him. He just wants his new customer to see him in the best light.

Great, now he doesn’t believe his own stupid lies anymore. 

It’s not like it’s ever going to lead to anything. Cas in his suit probably doesn’t think much of him with his mechanic get-up and his colloquial speech. 

Still, it would be nice…

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

He adores this taste.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?”

And Dean is so taken aback that he forgets his usual caution and replies, “I’d love to go on a strawberry with you.”

It’s not his fault that’s what date tastes like.

Cas takes it in stride, thank God, and that evening, they have their very first date. 

And there follows another. And another.

And they’re dating, like really dating, and Dean realizes a few months in that he has fallen for the teacher with the crooked tie and the hot chocolate taste.

He still hasn’t told him about his broccoli (he shudders). It just doesn’t really occur to him. It’s a fact of his life. He doesn’t think about it much, or even notice it anymore. 

Unless the taste is particularly disgusting or extremely good. Like Cas.

Cas is crazy smart and he figures it out.

Well, not exactly. But he notices certain things. 

And so it comes that one evening, when they’re watching a movie and one of the characters mentions the word “grenade”, Dean grimaces (dust. Freaking dust) and Cas notices.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?” he asks, having no idea what his boyfriend (it’s still so new, and boy, does he like the vanilla taste) wants.

“Why do you flinch at certain words? I’ve noticed a few times now…”

Well, there’s nothing shameful about it, so Dean explains, frowning at lexical-gustatory synesthesia. 

“What is it?” Cas inquires, and Dean answers “Broccoli”.

Cas chuckles. "You hate broccoli.”

He knows him so well. 

“Better than freaking dust, though”.

“You said only certain words have a taste.”

Cas looks away, blushes, turns to meet his eyes again.

“Does my name -?”

“Yeah” he interrupts him, “hot chocolate. And I love hot chocolate - ”

He stops. He didn’t really think through what that implied.

It’s true though.

“I love hot chocolate” he repeats, and when Cas’ eyes widen, he understands. 

“I love Heaven” Cas breathes. 

Dean blinks.

“Come again?”

Cas draws him into a kiss.

“That’s what you taste like to me” he murmurs.

Dean blushes.

“Cas - ”

He doesn’t know what to say. But he notices the taste has changed.

It doesn’t taste just like hot chocolate anymore. 

Home, he decides as he pulls Cas back in for another kiss. 

It tastes like Home.


	40. Wrong Number, Right Call

Okay this is awkward.

No, not awkward, just – 

Yep. Awkward. Completely, inappropriately awkward.

And kinda hot. 

Not that Dean is considering it. God no. 

It would be madness. Sam might be very accepting, but a one night stand with his colleague might be something not even his later can –

But Castiel Novak just answered the text he thought he’d sent Pamela. Castiel Novak. 

Five minutes ago, Dean believed he hated his guts, because he never talked to him when they met at Sam’s parties, only stared. He figured the lawyer didn’t want to speak to the stupid mechanic. 

But there it is, proof that Castiel at least thinks him attractive. And it’s not like he’s hard on the eyes.

But still, no. He can’t. He won’t. 

On the other hand, he always wanted to get to know him better – 

No. Absolutely not. He’s not risking Sam’s wrath for Cas (so what, he gives people nicknames in his head) Novak. Absolutely not. 

So he’s taking his phone out only to delete his text, the one where he asks for Dean’s address, and – 

He just sent him his address. Why would he do that? He wasn’t going to do that!

But now he has and here he is, trying to remember why he has Castiel’s number in the first place.

Oh, right, Sam’s last birthday party. He organized it, so Jess gave him the number of all of Sam’s friends. 

He should have deleted it months ago.

But he doesn’t have time to think about it because Castiel Novak is coming for a booty call. 

Holy shit. What is he supposed to do?

In the end, he waits, because what else is there for him to do, really?

And at least Castiel is all business, knocking, having the door opened for him and immediately pushing Dean against a wall to kiss him senseless.

And, well… What follows is not the problem. Oh no, Dean is good, hell, great at it, and Cas is –

Okay, he’ll admit to himself that it’s nothing short of awesome. 

The difficult part is what comes after, when they’re lying next to each other, breathing hard, and Cas gets up and Dean thinks, disappointed (why is he?) that this is it, but instead he returns with a towel and cleans them both up and gets back into bed. 

Okay. 

So now what?

Then, all of a sudden, Cas says “Hello, Dean.”

They had the best sex of Dean’s life, and all he says is “Hello, Dean.”

And Dean can’t help himself; he starts laughing like a maniac. 

“Man, Cas – “ he wheezes, and to his surprise, Cas takes the nickname in stride. 

“Yes?” Cas isn’t looking at him; he’s staring at the ceiling. 

“I – you – “

“I apologize. I am not the best at social interaction. So I… never really got to speak to you, even though I wanted to.”

“Oh?” he says, somewhat dumbly.

“Yes. You mentioned Vonnegut. My brother always says I can’t shut up about my favourite authors, but when I don’t know a person, it just… I can’t.”

“Considering certain body parts of us just stopped touching, I think we can talk now” Dean points out, and now Cas looks at him and okay, screw “hot”, he’s beautiful. And those eyes…

“You want to?”

Dean nods; Sam has been talking the guy up forever, and frankly, anyone who likes Vonnegut automatically gets a pass. 

Plus, it was really good sex. And round two, after they’ve eaten and talked (and Cas is actually really smart and funny and – Dean should stop there, really) is just as fantastic.

“You know” Dean says sleepily, Cas tracing patterns on his chest, “I thought you hated me.”

“I assure you, I never did.”

“That’s a relief” he mutters, “Stay the night?”

“I’d like that very much.”

So Cas stays.

He spends Sunday with Dean too, as it turns out, because – 

Because Dean likes having him around. Reason enough, really.

Of course Sammy comes over that day without telling them, and of course he catches them making out on the couch.

“You didn’t even tell me you were dating” he tells Dean, and he wants to shrug his shoulders and tell Sam the truth when Cas says, “It is still… rather fresh.”

And the look he gives Dean as he says it – 

Okay, so Dean has a boyfriend. A very hot, smart, kind, funny boyfriend.

Fine by him.

He figures they’ll have to embellish the story of how they got together a little, but it doesn’t matter. 

What does matter is that, for the first time in history, a booty call gone wrong actually went right.


	41. Language Barrier

There are so many words.

Enochian is beautiful, sometimes even funny, a language to praise the Lord and write prophecies in, a language to pray, a language to worship.

But it is not a language to live. 

He lived for millennia in Enochian. He lived with prayers, battles, hymns. 

He never thought about words, about the meaning of words, so simple and yet so complicated.

Long after the Tower of Babel, he had still communicated with his Father and brethren in Enochian. It was pure, it was the language God had creted for angels. He understood humans because they were meant to, but he never used their tongues.

Until he saved the Righteous man, cradled his soul as he flew up from Hell, and couldn’t find any Enochian words to describe the beauty of the essence he had saved.

Loyalty.

Dean Winchester was loyal. Dean Winchester followed those he had sworn allegiance to, even if he knew that he shouldn’t, felt in his soul that he should try to create his own life.

Bravery. 

Dean Winchester had give his life and his soul for his younger brother, knowing what awaited him, and had refused any help that might lead to his brother being harmed after all.

Love.

As his Grac and the Righteous Man’s soul touched, a feeling Castiel had never experienced before filled his whole being. He had known what love was; he had never felt it himself. 

And Dean Winchester’s soul was overflowing with it, ready to give everything for nothing. 

Castiel held the soul even deeper in his Grace and flew to the grave his brother had hed tears over four months ago.

And as he rebuilt his body and returned his soul, he screamed the first words he would ever speak in a human tongue, Dean Winchester is saved.

As he returned to Heaven to await further orders, the words and their meaning vibrated through his Grace. Enochian was not enough to explain how it had been to save Dean Winchester. 

He had to communicate with him. As soon as possible. when he realized he would whether he received orders or not, he withdrew deep into Heaven, disgusted with himself. He was a soldier. He had orders to assist the righteous Man preventing the Apocalypse. He didn’t know yet how much direct contact was necessary to achieve this goal. 

Yet he felt himself trembling with the need to express himself towards Dean Winchester. When he was given the order, he returned to earth, his Grace singing in Enochian, as passionately as the day he had been created.

But he didn’t understand. Dean Winchester didn’t understand him. 

Castiel couldn’t comprehend what was wrong. This soul, so good, so pure, had to understand the language of God. 

So he tried again. Perhaps he hadn’t listened well enough the first time; but it happened as it had before, and Castiel realized he would have to speak to him in the human tongue. 

Remembering the words, emotions reverberating through him, he admitted to himself he wasn’t sorry.

But he did it wrong. He must have done it wrong; there was no other reason why a human should stab a messenger of the Lord.

But finally, the hunter listened, and Castiel could explain himself. 

Yet his words remained stilted, his sentences long, convoluted, complicated. He tried to remember how his voice had sounded when he had sung freely in Heaven, but something about the Righteous Man made it difficult. 

The more he spoke to him, to his brother, the easier it became; and he soon found that human language was much more complicated then Enochian. 

Meanings became muddled, body language played an important part. 

He was determined to learn, as bad as he was at it. 

Dean probably wouldn’t have liked him much in the beginning either way; and why this was important (then, at least) he didn’t know.

It was important to gain the Righteous Man’s respect and trust. They had to do God’s work, had to stop the Apocalypse, it wouldn’t do to keep questioning the garrison leader who had saved him from Hell. He made sure to use strong enough words so that Dean would understand.

And then his own belief in Heaven collapsed, everything collapsed when he learned of the other angel’s plan.

All he could think of was the words, the feelings he had truly known for the first time when he held Dean Winchester’s soul.

There was a new word, just for him now.

Cas. 

He knew it was a nickname. He had never had one before; but he was aware what it meant.

Affection. Comradeship.

And he rebelled.

Later, he couldn’t think of a certain moment in which he had decided to stand against his brethen; rather, it had been a series of moments, of decisions, until he told Dean (and for once, he knew exactly what words to use) how to beat an archangel; and sending him away to his brother had swiftly followed. 

He had not expected to be brought back; but, as Raphael descended upon him, he prayed in English, in Dean’s beautiful language, Please, Father, help the Winchesters. They are on the right path.

Lucifer was still released, but he was brought back from the dead. And he went to save the Winchester’s, save his friends.

Friendship.

How much this simple expression meant to humans. It was so much more than the “sibling” he and the other angels used when talking of one another; it encompassed so much; and although it would be a long, a very long while, until he completely understood what made Dean Winchester special in his eyes, he couldn’t deny that he felt an echo of what he had experienced through touching his soul when he looked into the hunter’s open face. 

He tried not to always listen when Dean’s thoughts were directed at him. 

Although he might long for Cas to hear him, it didn’t mean that he wanted to; and he had learned that these were two very different things indeed. Cas longed for the fight between his brothers to end; but it would mean that the Apocalypse had come to pass and the world had ended, and he didn’t want that. 

Sometimes, Dean would think of him, to him, without wishing to do so, and he tried his best to ignore it.  

Yet the temptation was strong to listen. Maybe he could learn to speak better that way. Maybe he could understand Dean better. English was still strange to him. Enochian was so clear, so precise; why where there so many expressions that didn’t really describe what one was talking about all. Not all people who were caught red-handed had blood on their hands. And someone who had a frog in his throat had not suffered an unfortunate incident with a toad. 

And maybe, he would think years later, he had already then realized that he would never be able to put his feelings for Dean Winchester in words.   
Not even in Enochian. 

Over the years, through betrayal and struggles, through friendship and trust, he learned. He could never say when he had begun thinking in English; but one day he was listening to the “angel radio” and had to think about what was being said. It was strange, but his native language didn’t come natural to him anymore. now that he thought about it, it hadn’t since the Apocalypse.and yet he still had problems with the colloquial English the hunters, and most of the other humans who spoke it, used.

He had lost the feeling for his first language and failed to perfectly acquire one for any other.

It fit his situation. He could not really call himself an angel anymore after everything he had done.

And then he lost his Grace, and alone, freezing, kicked out of the bunker by his best friend, he realized the last of his Enochian slip away while his English remained as weird as ever.

Even after he got it back, after he became an angel once more, the Enochian in his head was more muddled than ever before.

He didn’t have time to think about it. There was the Mark of Cain, and then his best friend was dead, and then he was a demon, and Rowena had Cas under her control, and the Darkness was trying to draw Dean to her side, and Sam was in the cage. 

And then, finally, there was peace.

The Darkness was defeated. Sam had been saved. Dean was not a demon anymore. Crowley was ruling Hell after his mother had been dealt with.

And Cas didn’t know where he belonged, had no idea where to go until Dean looked at him that night in the bunker and asked, “You’re staying, right?”

And he felt once more like he had when he raised his soul from Hell.

Joy.

Pride.

Happiness. 

He accompanied the brothers on hunts, and when they had time to themselves, he read. Trying to finally crack the code, to finally manage to speak to Dean how he longed to, how he needed to. 

Because he knew finally what he felt; but putting it in words was as difficult as ever. How could he explain something in a language he had never really mastered when he had been unable to do it in his native language? His Enochian was a half-forgotten dream at this point; sometimes, when he was asleep, phrases came back to him, only to be forgotten as soon as he was awake enough to comprehend what he had been thinking of. 

He never told the brothers. 

But Dean eventually reached out to him. He was in his room, reading Fight Club (although he still had trouble understanding why someone would hurt someone else just because he was bored).  

“Hey, Cas – you’re reading that?”

Cas automatically pressed the book against his chest and Dean immediately looked guilty. 

“That’s not what I meant. Just – the movie is a thousand times better. Even the author said so!”

“You read it?” Cas asked. Dean blushed.

“Hey, I read – “

“I was not implying that you don’t. I was only conforming that you did.”

Dean seemed surprised, but smiled. 

“Anyway, you gotta see the movie. come on.”

And he held out his hand.

Cas took it, allowed him to help him up and was surprised when dean held on to tug him towards the door.

He had to admit he liked the movie better than the book, even though he still didn’t understand why all that violence was necessary. 

Tyler Durden had a way with words, at least, he thought wistfully, more than he would ever have. 

“And? did you like it?”

Cas looked at Dean’ expectant face, thought of two hours with his warmth next to him on the couch, and nodded.

They watched movies regularly from that day on. Sometimes Sam joined them, on other days it was just him and Dean; and then, suddenly, Sam allowed him to ride shotgun and insisted on getting a room on his own instead of sharing one with Dean and Cas as he had done before.

Cas thought that he would never really understand humans. But he was thankful; even though he greatly enjoyed time with Sam, he cherished the hours he spent at Dean’s side. 

One evening, when they had just successful hunted down a      , Dean dragged Sam into their motel room because “An Indiana Jones marathon is in order”, and Cas suddenly asked himself how long it had been since Dean had gone out to look for… companionship. He hadn’t since Cas had moved in. It surprised him, but he was glad regardless. He had no hope that Dean would ever reciprocate his love that dare not speak its name; but he still wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.

And strangely, although he had expected the opposite, Dean seemed to want the same. Soon, he was at his side constantly, except for the rare occasions he partnered with Sam during hunts, and more than once, the words he longed to say were stuck in his throat. 

He had always known that Dean didn’t like to talk about his feelings; but then the day came when he finally understood that his friend had as much trouble expressing himself as he had ever had. 

They were watching Netflix again when Dean cleared his throat. 

“Cas, I – “

And Cas looked at him and saw an expression in his eyes that even he couldn’t fail to identify. 

He stared, his heart beating wildly, erratically.

“Yes, Dean?”

“I – “ he broke off. “Shit. I mean – sorry, Cas I – “

And Cas decided he had had enough of waiting for the right words to come to him.

He kissed him. 

Dean wasn’t stuttering anymore when he drew back. 

Instead, he kissed Cas again. 

And again. 

Much later, with the Righteous Man sleeping peacefully in his arms, Cas realized it was never about the right words.

It was about the right person.


	42. Don't Know, Don't Care

The thing is, Sam is freaking prepared.

No matter how much Jess rolls her eyes at him, he is freaking prepared. 

He’s known Dean is bisexual for a long time, and he’s been aware just as long that this means a big crisis is brewing on the horizon, because Dean identifies himself as a manly ladykiller. Therefore, once he finds a man too attractive, he will probably start screaming or sit in a corner and whimper, and Sam will be there, ready to explain, listen and comfort. 

First he thought Benny might be the one to trigger a response, but they ended up as friends. Same with Aaron (although he obviously had the biggest crush on Dean).

Still, Sam is prepared with books, leaflets, documentaries. 

But what he isn’t prepared for is… nothing

It all starts when Dean meets Cas. He wastes no time to introduce the quiet librarian to all his friends and his family, showing him off like he found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

And it is so. Damn. Obvious

His brother is so in love it’s slightly disconcerting. They stare at each other all the time, they spent days just watching Netflix together, _he lets him drive the Impala_ when Cas is getting his licence, “Just for practice, Sammy”(and he barely lets Sam touch that thing), and one evening, he catches them giggle about something. _Giggle_. 

And Sam waits. 

Surely, any day now, Dean will realize. Dean will know. And Dean will completely freak out, and it will be Sam’s responsibility that he doesn’t let this pass him by. 

Only nothing happens.

Dean and Cas are as close as ever and Cas looks at him like he hung the moon and nothing happens. 

At the end of a month, Sam is ready to pull his hair out by the roots, and Jess is no help at all. Instead, she laughs when he tries to explain to her what his problem is. 

“I think you underestimate your brother sometimes” she says one day, and he shakes his head. 

“I don’t! I just want him to be happy! He is - “

But she leaves the room before he can finish his rant. 

After another month of this, he decides to take the bull by the horns. He is not going to allow Dean to lose his chance because his brother is too thick-headed to see Cas making hearteyes at him whenever he gets the chance. 

So, during one (blessedly Cas-free lunch, Dean certainly wouldn’t want to talk about this when he’s there) Sam tries. He really does.

He starts with “Cas is nice” because he is.

Dean nods and grins. “Yeah. He’s great. He’s writing a book at the moment, did I tell you that?”

Only a million times already. 

Before Dean can tell him again, Sam answers, “You did. And you… spend a lot of time together?”

Dean blinks slowly. “Yeah?” He pauses for a moment, then chuckles. “Ah, Sammy is jealous. Don’t worry, I’ll come over Sunday and we’ll watch Football like in the old days.”

That isn’t what Sam had in mind at all.

“No, I mean - great, but I didn’t - it’s just nice you have found such a good friend, is all.”

Now Dean is staring at him like he’s lost his mind.

“Sam…” he begins slowly but at this moment, Sam’s boss calls and he has to leave just when he is starting to hope this might actually lead to something. 

Jess shakes her head at him that night.

“Did you really talk about it?”

“Of course.”

“No, I mean, _really_?”

He doesn’t understand his girlfriend sometimes. 

He keeps trying, but Dean cuts him short or looks at him like he’s grown another head. Which makes it an even bigger shock when Sam brings him breakfast one day (because he is a great brother) and Cas is there, in one of Dean’s shirts and sweatpants, looking rumpled and drowsy, kissing Dean when he gives him a cup of coffee.

“What!?” Sam splutters. Dean looks at him.

“What’s the matter?”

“But - you two are -”

“Dating” Cas frowns. “Is that a problem for you?”

He looks like he might just punch Sam if he says anything hurtful to Dean. Sam shakes his head.

“No, but I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know? Sammy, I brought him to meet you, meet Jess. We spend our free time together. I even accompanied him to that bee farm because he wanted to go. How come you didn’t know?”

“Well, I know you’re bi - “ he tries and Dean snorts.

“After Benny and Aaron, you better.”

And that’s something else he never noticed. He swallows.

“I mean - there’s lots of different sexualities, and the Kinsey scale - “

“Don’t know, don’t care” Dean interrupts him. “Me and Cas are dating and it’s awesome. That’s all I need.”

Cas blushes. 

And that’s something that Sam never saw coming. Dean, completely relaxed, dating a guy.

Suddenly he realizes something else too, and isn’t it just a day of surprises.

“Jess knew, didn’t she?”

Dean grins. “She tried to tell me you had no idea, I thought she was pulling _my_ leg. You should really marry that girl.”

“Only if you marry Cas” Sam shoots back.

And Dean, commitment-phobe, one-night-guy, changing-partners-like-shirts Dean shrugs his shoulders and says, “I might.”

And then Sam has to get out of there because Cas is looking at Dean in a way that makes it obvious what’s about to happen next. 

As he drives home he can only shake his head at himself. 


	43. What Happens In Vegas Returns To Lawrence

If there’s one thing Sam didn’t expect, it’s this call.

Alright. That’s a lie.

But he’s surprised anyway because it sure doesn’t go as he supposed it would.

The second Dean announced he and Benny had plans to spend “unattached drifter Christmas” with Benny in Vegas, Sam feared that it would end with Dean getting hitched to some stripper while drunk and calling him to sort out the mess.

And it happened.

Only that Dean’s new spouse is a librarian. And a guy. 

And that Dean doesn’t call Sam to help with his divorce.

Instead, his completely sober, happiest-single-in-the-world brother as of three days ago calls to wax poetry about this guy he met in a strip club and married that same night. 

Sam listens exactly for one minute of Dean’s “And he’s got blue eyes, like really blue, and he’s so cute, and weird, but in an adorable way, and he’s from Lawrence too, can you believe it? And he likes Vonnegut and we both agree that the _Hobbit_ movies were a bad idea –“ monologue before he starts wondering whether his brother was drugged. Maybe this Cas wanted to have his wicked librarian way with him and slipped him something and Dean is still riding the high. It would make more sense than Dean being actually _happy_ that he got drunk married. 

It’s when Dean says “We’ll be back by Tuesday” that he begins to truly worry, however.

“You and Benny?”

“Me, Cas and Benny.”

“You’re taking him with you?”

It could just be a nice gesture, or simply out of convenience – after all, they could immediately come to him to fix this, but instead Dean answers, “Of course. We’re married. Gotta move his stuff to mine, by the way, hope you have time this weekend – “

“Wait. You’re going to _live_ together?”

“Which part of “we’re married” didn’t you understand?

It’s official. Dean has lost his mind. 

Sam does his best not to start screaming so that Dean won’t freak out – one of them has to stay calm – and as soon as they hang up, he calls Benny.

“I was expecting your call” he greets him. And he sounds annoyingly, condescendingly smug and Sam remembers why he really didn’t like him at the beginning of his and Dean’s friendship.

“What the hell?” Sam exclaims, “You told me you would look after him!”

“I did.”

“He’s _married_. To a man he doesn’t know. He’s barely admitted to himself that he’s into guys, and – “

“Sam” Benny interrupts him, and he sounds so sincere that Sam stops and listens to him. “I know this is hard to understand. Even I find it hard to believe, and I saw the whole thing.”

“What thing?”

“I was his best man.”

Sam pushes down a completely unwarranted surge of jealousy; if he ever got a chance to be Dean’s best man, he wouldn’t want it to be in Vegas when they’re all drunk. 

“I know it sounds crazy, but they’re made for each other.”

“You – “

“Look, chief, like I said, it sounds crazy. But they have – I suppose I would call it chemistry. The moment they saw each other – “

“Benny, Dean plans to stay married to this guy.”

“Cas does too. No way he’s gonna let him go, not when he’s looking at him like he won the lottery.”

Sam groans. “Did you all just lose your minds? How much did you drink?”

Benny is silent for a moment. Then, he admits, “Two beers.”

“What!?”

“Two beers each. And Cas had a mineral water, if I remember correctly.”

Dean doesn’t get drunk after two beers. Dean doesn’t get drunk after _five_ beers. So – 

“But what happened, then?”

“They saw each other. We were there in the strip club, and Dean was heading towards one stage, and I thought it was to check out the stripper because she was exactly his type, you know –“

“Yes” Sam interrupts him, well aware of what Dean finds attractive, “and then what?”

“As it turned out, he didn’t have his eye on the stripper. Cas was standing there, his back to the stage, looking incredibly bored – it was his brother’s birthday, and he had to come with – and Dean apparently took one look at him and that was it. And so Cas looked up and saw Dean, and that was it too. They stood for two hours in front of that stage, talking, and they didn’t spare the stripper a single glance.”

Drugs. It’s the only explanation. No way Dean would ignore a stripper just to talk. 

“After two hours, Dean kissed him – finally, I was about to push their heads together – and then they decided to get married.”

“Just like that.”

Sam feels the strange detachment come over him that always helps him in court. 

“Yes, just like that. And a good thing, too – I have never seen Dean happier.”

“Benny, they have known each other for a day.”

“You’ll understand when you see them together.”

And Benny hangs up on him. 

Sam lets himself fall on the couch and buries his face in his hands.

“What’s the matter?” Jess inquires the second she comes home, and he tells her. 

She is silent for a second, then answers, “I didn’t expect that.”

“No one did! Dean got married to a guy he doesn’t know, a guy! And plans to stay married! He could be anything! He could be a serial killer for all we know –“

“Sam – “

“Or maybe he’s after the money he thinks Dean has – “

“Sam – “

“Or he just thought it would be fun to play with a lonely guy’s heart – “

“Sam! You don’t know him yet! Maybe it is as Benny says.”

“What? And he just found his soul mate in a strip club?”

“Stranger things have happened.”

Sam sighs. She’s right, of course. He has to see for himself.

“Alright. But if this guy is just playing –“

“I know, Sam.”

He manages to calm down. He’ll wait until Tuesday and then rip the guy’s head off. Or Dean’s. Depends on what he finds.

What he finds is nothing like he expects.

Because Benny is right. 

They get out of the car, Cas in his trench coat and rumpled suit, introduces himself politely, and Dean, with the biggest, happiest grin Sam has ever seen on him, comes to stand beside him and takes his hand. 

They have lunch together, and Dean actually has a salad with his meal because Cas gently nudges him to do so, and he doesn’t even order one beer. 

Not only that, but suddenly Dean has no problems to openly talks about things that interest him like books and Doctor Sexy when before he was always careful to protect his manly facade. 

Sam supposes getting married to a man took care of that. 

But after three hours of watching them, he has to admit that Benny was right.

Against all odds, Benny was right. 

They complement each other. Dean’s loud while Cas is quiet; Dean is fidgety while Cas is calm; and they seem to rub off on each other too, just enough to feel perfectly comfortable in their skin. 

Dean actually did find his soulmate in a strip bar in Vegas. 

Of all the things…

While Jess is talking to Benny and Cas about helping him move into Dean’s apartment this weekend, he draws his brother to the side.

“I thought you were crazy” he tells him, and Dean shrugs his shoulders.

“I thought so too. I walked into this strip club, all ready to have a good time, and then I just saw him and all I could think was – _I’ll marry that guy_. But guess what? I haven’t regretted it since. Doubt I ever will.”

“I’m happy for you” is all Sam can say to that, because he has never seen Dean so… full of joy, so light-hearted, so glad. 

It’s the same things he says fifty years later as a toast on their anniversary, surrounded by their children and grand-children.


	44. One Call & One Meeting

It kind of figures that his ex… something got famous. Even back when they were friends with benefits (that’s the term, right? Not that Dean ever thought particularly serious about it, or that he ever did stuff you don’t do with friends with benefits like cuddle and spend the weekend and driving Cas to the university when he had time – or rather, he didn’t mean to. That counts for something) Cas was always writing, always creating stories that Dean thought were beautiful, but then, he was really – he liked the guy a lot.

So now Cas is a famous author. As stated before: it figures. Dean has stayed away from his books, though, because –

Well, maybe he’s afraid that he’ll find part of the stories he remembers Cas mumbled against his skin when they drifted off to sleep. Or worse, he’s going to look at one of these short biographies they put on the backs of books and see that he’s happily married with children – not that he really fears that. He’d be glad to know Cas is happy without him.

After all, it was over ten years ago and they’re thirty-seven. Still being hung up on… something would be insane.

So to prove himself just how much of a functioning adult he is, he has stayed away from his books and the movies they made out of them, and even interviews.

That apparently has to change because Sam just sent him an email with a link and the message WATCH THIS.

He could just tell him he did later, of course. It’s not like Sammy is going to hold it against him. But the little nerd suspects something, he knows. He saw him and Cas together more often than he should have, and he believes that Cas is the one that got away, which is really stupid because they never were in love. They had a bit of fun together for eleven months and two weeks, and that was all.

But watching this might Sam convince him of that, so watch it he will.                                        

His first thought is, _This was a bad idea_.

Because Cas is looking good. Really, really good.

Actually, _freaking hot_ would be a better description.

And by God, did Dean miss this voice.

He answers the usual questions – where does he get his ideas, did he always want to write, how is he dealing with the attention he receives (apparently he’s got many admirers, no surprise there).

So really it’s just normal stuff.

Until they move on to his last book.

“Mr. Novak, your last book is a story about a man who finds and loses love. It has been praised as one of the most poignant books on the subject since The Allegory of Love. How did you come by the idea? Was it inspired by events in your whole life?”

“That is a very personal question” Cas states in that no-nonsense way of his.

“I’m aware of that, but I am sure many of our watchers would be interested to know if Castiel Novak has ever been in love.”

Cas loses his cool for the first time during the interview, looks at the floor and into the studio audience before he answers, “I have. It was… complicated, as I am sure you can gather from my novel.”

“Can you tell us something about them?”

Cas hesitates. Dean, meanwhile, is busy wondering who was stupid enough to make Cas fall in love with him and then leave. They can’t have found something better. They can’t.

Then, Cas turns his words upside down. Because the next words out of his mouth are “He is the best brother in the world.”

It’s what he told him when he and Sam had a stupid, loud fight about their Dad’s way of bringing them up and how it affected them and he was scared that this time, Sam really wouldn’t come back. Cas hugged him and whispered in his ear, “It’s going to be alright. You’re the best brother in the world. Sam knows that.”

Cas just told America on television that he was in love with Dean.

Cas was in love with Dean and Dean never knew and he’s the most stupid son of a bitch out there because of what could have been, if he just saw, if he just noticed –

Cas is noticeably sad and distracted during the rest of the interview, so that it comes to a close pretty fast.

Sam calls him.

“Did you watch it?”

“I did” he replied tensely. Why would Sam do that to him?

“That’s not a man who has moved on” his brother says and Dean groans.

“Sam – “

“Look, I’m not telling you what to do. But I just sent you another email, with his number. Don’t ask how I got it. Just know that his last book, the one he’s talking about? It’s dedicated “To D., always and forever my muse.”

He hangs up. Dean lets his phone sink.

He can’t mean – it can’t be – people like Cas don’t stay hung up on someone like Dean.

But what if –

What if.

He dials the freaking number, if only to convince himself, to finally (yeah, okay, he’ll admit it) move on.

“Cas Novak” he answers and Dean can’t speak, his heart hammering.

“Hello?” Cas asks after a few seconds, and he swallows and forces out, “Hey, it’s me.”

Stupid, really, why would Cas recognize him after –

And then all the years between them are blown away, in a moment they will remember and tell their children and grand children about decades later, when Cas breathes, “Hello, Dean.”

* * *

He never expected that question. He never lied to himself; he always knew his latest novel was about Dean and how he stupidly let him get away without asking once if they could be something more than friends who engaged in sexual intercourse.

But he never expected anyone else to realize, and now he’s sitting in front of the reporter and doesn’t know what to say about the man he fell in love with ten years ago and has never forgotten.

Eventually, he settles on, “He is the best brother in the world.”

It was true a decade ago, it’s certainly still true. Thankfully, the interview comes to a close soon after and he is left to ponder the one relationship that has haunted him because it never was a relationship but, as he later admitted to himself, might as well have been. They constantly stayed at one another’s apartments, there was never anyone else in all the time they were (not) together, they met each other’s families.

It was regret that made him write the novel and dedicate it to Dean, the man he has modelled character after character after while he slowly became successful. 

And he just announced to the world that this Dean, that Dean Winchester is still his one and only love.

He tries to bury his thoughts by working on the sequel – when he first started this newest novel, he firmly believed it would show someone getting over a broken heart, only to be taught the opposite – but he cannot bring a single word to the page, and is considering to abandon his work for tonight when his phone rings. It’s an unknown number. He takes it anyway.

“Cas Novak”. When he only hears heavy breathing on the other side, he continues, “Hello?”

It might just be one of Gabriel’s prank calls, but then the caller says, “Hey, it’s me.”

And all the years since they saw each other last are blown away. He swallows. Then, slowly, he greets him with, “Hello, Dean.”

He knows enough of human nature through his profession to realize this should be awkward, but it is not. Within a few minutes, they are talking like the old friends they are, and then he – perhaps ill-advisedly, perhaps wrongly – suggest they meet for coffee the next day. Dean happily agrees.

Cas doesn’t know where he got his number. He doesn’t know if Dean is single – probably not; he always pictured him married with a family by now.

But he knows that he wants to see him.

He barely sleeps or eats until they meet, and when they do, all he can think is _He is still so beautiful_.

Ten years have made no difference to these green eyes that shine no matter what.

Dean’s handshake is warm and firm as always.

“Long time no see”.

“Indeed.”

“So I hear you’re on the New York Times bestseller list – congratulations. Not that I ever doubted you.”

“I know you didn’t” he says softly. He remembers Dean joking he was “getting too good for him” when he found a publisher in New York who was ready to look at his manuscript.

They last time they saw each other, Dean drove him to the airport; one week later, Gabriel called and told him Dean had a girlfriend.

He stayed in New York for seven years before returning to Lawrence.

He never asked about Dean again, or sought his old friends and acquaintances; in fact, he very rarely really lived in his small apartment, most of the time he was travelling.

But now…

“Why did you call?” he asks. Dean fidgets.

“I – it’s stupid. Sam said – he sent me this video from your last interview. I – who did you talk about?”

Ten years ago, he would not have had the confidence to answer.

“You know who”.

It’s enough, it has to be enough, because one second he says the words, the next Dean is kissing him desperately, clinging to him like a drowning man.

“Dean” he forces them apart for a moment, “tell me you’re – “

“There’s no one, there’s been no one serious since you – “

“Thank God” he breathes and then they are kissing again. They don’t stop until the waitress of the small café politely points out that they should probably find a secluded space for them to continue.

They are not far from Cas’ apartment, and soon, what little there remains of distance between them vanishes.

“How did you ever find my number?” he mumbles drowsily against Dean’s skin hours later. “I made sure it’s not available for the public”.

Dean chuckles. “Sam told me he met a “tech wiz” at his firm a few weeks ago. It’s probably them. Please don’t be angry with them.”

“I’m going to send them a fruit basket” he replies before they both drift off to sleep.

Sam doesn’t get a fruit basket.

But what he does get the next day is a simple text.

_Going to Vegas. Will be back in a few days. Dean._

_P.S. Will need your help to move our stuff. We’re getting a bigger place._


	45. A Ring That Fits

So Dean has really slim fingers. They’re not small, but they’re slim, and in the past he always liked that because he could wear his mother’s wedding ring without having to cut it off every night.

Now, he could scream. Because of course Meg decided ring shopping was beneath her (she’s marrying Cas. Why should anyone bitch about that? It makes no sense) and sent his best friend out on his own, so naturally he asked Dean to accompany him.

And while it hurts to help the guy he has been gone on for years, long before Meg showed up, buy rings so he can ride off into the sunset with his wife, of course he would never have said no. This is Cas, after all.

And so he ends up picking Cas up and driving to the jeweller’s.

“Did she tell you anything!?” he finally asks, exasperated after half an hour of Cas just staring at rings and doing his adorable (not that he would ever tell him) head tilt plus squinting.

“Only that she doesn’t like gold. And that it should be… elaborate.”

“She use that word?”

Cas’ shoulders slump.

“She said she didn’t want anything simple.”

He squeezes his shoulder in a show of support because damn it, he can be supportive if he needs to be, even in this fucked-up situation with the guy he lo-

“Silver it is, then” he says quickly when his thoughts stray into dangerous territory.

Truth is, Dean would have picked out silver too. Like Mom’s ring.

At least he and Meg have one thing in common.

Well – that he can talk about.

But another half an hour later (and after they have been passed down to the third employee who already looks like he’s about to have a breakdown) Dean asks, “Can we see any other silver pairs you have, please?”

“But Dean, the style – “

“Cas, you have been staring at these freaking rings forever, and we both know you don’t like a single pair. And you should both be into them, don’t you think?”

Truth be told, Dean isn’t surprised. Cas, unlike Meg, likes simple things, can see the beauty in them. Bees collecting honey. A small flower next to a sidewalk. A strange formation of clouds.

He doesn’t think his fiancée gets that. But then, Dean never really liked Meg anyway.

Not that he ever liked any of Cas’ partners since college.

He sighs and soldiers on.

When he sees the pair, he knows immediately. Knows this is it, this is perfect –

But not for Meg and Cas, he realizes as he picks it up and shows it to Cas. Silver, nice but simple, each ring bearing a blue and green stone?

Trust Dean to pick out the one pair that would look fantastic if he was the one to marry Cas.

_Please don’t let him notice._

Cas doesn’t. He beams.

“They’re _perfect_ , Dean – “

And Dean, being the idiot he is, grabs his hand and slides the ring on his finger.

When Cas stares at him, he stammers, “I – you have to know how it fits, so – yeah – “

Cas nods and looks down on their hands that, Dean belatedly realizes, are still intertwined. He wants to snatch his away when Cas grabs the other ring and just puts it’s on him like it’s the most natural thing in the world because, again, slim fingers that are Meg’s size.

The universe really doesn’t like Dean today.

“And?” Cas asks, still not letting go of his hand, “How do you think it fits?”

“Perfectly.”

The word leaves his mouth without his permission. He blushes fiercely, steps back and tries to get the ring of his finger, which of course means he drops it.

And Cas, instead of just picking it up, drops to his knees to get it.

He does this the second an elderly woman enters the store, sees them and starts gushing.

“My, what a handsome couple! I’m so happy for you!”

Because this situation can’t get any worse –

Who’s he kidding? It’s Dean. Of course it does.

Because this is so freaking close to a million embarrassing daydreams of his that he tries his usual way of deflecting such things – with humour.

“Well, we got the rings and all, and we can’t disappoint the nice lady. Looks like you’re stuck with me now, Cas.”

Sadly, Cas just stands up and frowns at him, and Dean realizes he sounded completely serious.

He does the only thing that’s left. He tells him, “Get those. They’re great” and rushes out.

An hour later, he is pacing up and down his apartment because he’s sure he’s done it this time, he’s ruined his friendship with Cas. He was fine with being his best man – okay, not fine, not totally, but he could have dealed. But not having Cas in his life at all? That sounds worse than anything.

Cas doesn’t even bother ringing the door bell, just uses the key Dean gave him ages ago, strolls in, right into Dean’s personal space and announces, “She hates the rings.”

He stands still and blinks.

“Oh. Sorry, man.”

If Cas can pretend nothing happened, he can too.

“And so we talked and decided not to get married.”

“I under – wait, what?”

“Meg is gone” Cas says simply. “You know she was always ready to leave at any given minute.”

Dean does. But he thought that if anyone could make her stay it would be Cas.

“And now I don’t have a fiancée. And the wedding is in a month”. He pauses. Then he just says, just like that, “So I have to take you up on your offer.”

“What –“

“You should marry me.”

“Cas” Dean explains patiently, “Just because Meg left you – doesn’t mean you can’t marry anyone – “

“I don’t want to marry anyone. I want to marry _you_.”

And Dean would be on board with that, Hell, he would have been on board ten, fifteen years ago, right when they met in college, but that doesn’t mean he can.

“But – “

“Dean, I’ve wanted to marry you for a long time.”

While Dean does what he is sure is a pretty good impression of a goldfish, Cas huffs and declares, “I love you, Dean Winchester. And I was wrong when I thought you didn’t love me, apparently. So I am asking you to marry me.”

Well – there’s really only one answer to that.

And, thankfully, a month later, the ring stays on as he swoops down and kisses his new husband.


	46. The Choice We Make

Dean has known this day would come – hell, he’s watched this day move closer and closer on the watch on his husband’s wrist.

That doesn’t make it any easier, though, despite acting like it is.

He doesn’t need or want his family’s pity.

Dean has carried around the knowledge that he’s different since he was a small child.

His parents tried every doctor they could when he was still a baby, but they all shrugged and told them their son was healthy, if lacking his soulmate clock.

It’s not as rare as most people believe, being born without one, according to the statistics, even though Dean has never met anyone else who’ll never meet the love of his life.

He chuckles bitterly as he throws the last of his clothing in the box. There are some who think he can’t even love properly.

If that is true then what he feels for Cas must be pretty freaking close to it.

Not that it matters. Cas’ clock will run out in two days (47 hours, twenty-three minutes, but who cares?) and everyone describes meeting their soulmate like being hit by a truck, that nothing else matters from that moment on.

Hell, Sam was dating Jess and as happy as he could be when he and Sarah ran into each other at uni and they broke up the same day, and Cas’ twin wasn’t even interested in finding his soulmate until he met Amelia.

It’s the same with everyone. It’s the reason they’re watching him like hawks, worrying about him constantly.

They shouldn’t. He’s fine.                                                                                                      

Well, okay, he’s not. Maybe he’s about as far from fine as he can, but it’s his own damn fault. He didn’t have to say yes when Sam’s friend asked him out ten years ago, when they were young and a decade seemed too long to even contemplate what would come at the end of it, and hey, Dean was a one-night-guy anyway, so what?

He also didn’t have to say yes when Cas askes him to move in together, and eventually proposed to him. Why did he ever allow him to put that ring on his finger? All it got him was asking Sam for divorce papers a month ago because he doesn’t want Cas to have problems when he meets his soulmate. He’s going to be single, and there won’t be any sign of their life together in their – no, Cas’ house.

Dean already found a small apartment near the garage. He doesn’t need much.

He’s been staring at this last box for five minutes now, because he knows exactly what’s left to do. It’s to go downstairs, finally sign the papers waiting for him, leave his ring and key on the table and pretend that he’s happy his husband is finally meeting someone he can be completely happy with.

God knows their ten years together haven’t been perfectl. They’ve had many fights. The worst happened when Dean point blank told Cas that no, he wasn’t interested in having children with him, because someone else was supposed to, the same someone who’s going to grow old with the cute nerdy professor he has to stop thinking of as his.

Cas has apparently already drawn the line under them, ever since their fight a month ago when he returned from Sam’s. They screamed at each other for over an hour – “But I don’t want anyone else” “Trust me you will soon enough” – before Cas threw his hands into the air, shouted, “Fine. If it means so little to you – “ and stormed out of the room.

Dean’s been sleeping in the guest room. They haven’t had a meal together since, they’ve barely talked to each other.

That wasn’t what Dean wanted at all. He wished for a nice last month together, with dates and wake up kisses and love making. Something to remember when he was old and still alone because the empty spot on his wrist tells him he has to be.

Instead, there was nothing but angry silence and the slowly growing conviction that he’s doing the right thing, because he’s not good enough to be civil too, not even when he’s leaving forever.

It’s what hurts most of all. That Cas was fine with the ticking clock all these years, that he screamed around a bit because Dean went behind his back but then decided, hey, it’s all good, he’s leaving on his own, so why should I care?

That their relationship nothing more to him than a way to pass the time until he could finally settle down with the right person.

Dean should have known that all along, as well as he always knew it would end today. But he didn’t. He was actually convicned that Cas loved him, cared enough at least that he’d be a little sad that he’s moving out.

Now he knows the truth and it shouldn’t matter because over is over and he’s been holding on to something that he should never have been allowed to have.

But all these surveys about how people without clocks don’t feel right, don’t feel as strongly as normal people, mean little now.

Later, he promises himself. There’ll be time to cry and be angry later, when he’s alone in his empty apartment. When Jimmy calls him on Monday and tells him about Cas’ soulmate. When he reads the wedding announcement in the paper.

Not now. Right now, all he has to do is get out of here. Get it over with.

He can’t keep a picture of them. He wants to, so much it hurts, wants their wedding album to remember this by until the day he dies, but it would be considered incredibly rude to keep mementos of a non-soulmate relationship when Cas is together with the real thing. For both of them.

Which is why he’s slowly but surely thrown every picture of them he could find away during the last month.

Cas didn’t object when he told him what he was doing.

He also put the stupid plush bee he won for Cas on their first date in the trash.

No mementos. Nothing.

He doesn’t want Cas’ soulmate to be angry at him.

There’s just one picture left. It was taken on a beach, during the first road trip, Sam having managed to capture them looking at each other in front of the ocean. It’s in Dean’s wallet, has been for a long time.

He takes it out. Then, quickly, he tears it apart. With the same haste he all but rips his ring off of his finger.

It hurts.

He wants it to.

Cas is not in the living room when he goes downstairs. He’s not sure he’s home, if he’s being honest. Cas has been coming and going at odd times, lately. If Dean didn’t refill the fridge on a regular basis, he wouldn’t know he’s still living here.

He feels like he can’t breathe. He has to get out, has to get to his new apartment, the place that will never be as much a home to him as this house was, and get drunk.

His signature on the papers is barely legible, but it’ll have to do. He carefully extracts his key from the key chain, puts it down next to the divorce papers and his ring. Then he picks up the last box again and makes his way to the front door.

Just as he’s about to open it, Cas says, “So you’re leaving.”

He turns around. His husband (no, no longer, never really his to begin with) is looking at him with a blank expression Dean knows all too well from their fights. He used to think it showed Cas didn’t want him to know what he was feeling.

He preferred that to the truth, that deep down, Cas was simply always indifferent because he was bidding his time.

He nods. What else is there to do? Beg? Cry? It won’t do any good. He’s allowed himself to love, and it’s breaking him.

As Dad always warned him it would.

“House’s clean. Divorce papers are signed on the couch table.”

“I saw”.

Dean nods again. He studies Cas once more, intent to drink him in before he has to let go forever, before it becomes bad taste to contact his ex-husband.

As he turns around, a hand grips his shoulder hard enough to leave bruises, and then his back is pressed again the front door, and he’s lost the box, and Cas is kissing him, hard, passionately.

Against his better judgement, he kisses back, wrenching him towards him, he needs this, needs to feel him, to hold him one last time, he just needed this moment, this one moment to say goodbye.

Cas’ mouth leaves his.

“Don’t go” he pants against Dean’s neck.

Dean gently shoves him back, reaches out, runs his fingers through his hair.

“I have to” he says, “You know I have to. You won’t feel like this once you meet them – “

“I don’t care about them!” Cas snaps. He waves his left arm around, the numbers glaring at Dean, mocking him. “I don’t care about finding a soulmate! I don’t need someone else to make me happy. _You_ make me happy.”

“You’ll see there’s a difference. Everyone says there is.” Dean looks away. He was wrong. Cas isn’t indifferent. He truly believes that he loves Dean, that he’s hurting. It would be so easy to believe it, too. Rip up the papers. Move back in.

But what for? It would only hurt all the more when Cas actually tells him to go.

“I –“

Dean shakes his hand.

“Please, Cas”. He’s begging after all. “Please don’t. I – don’t make this –“ He swallows. No. He won’t let anyone see how much this is hurting, least of all Cas.

He picks up his box and leaves without another word.

Cas doesn’t try to follow him.

Dean thinks teh first day is bad enough, when everything’s in him is screaming to return to his husband, for the short time that they still have; but he’d only be taking advantage. It wouldn’t be fair.

But nothing compares to the way he feels on Monday, when he gets up, goes to work and watches the clock on the wall.

Eleven thirty-five. Again and again he did the maths, Cas sleeping next to him, the time when he had to leave so far away then.

His colleagues know what’s going on, of course, his boss does too. They are pretty nice to him all day. He figures he’s somehow earned more respect because he doesn’t make a fuss.

And then it’s eleven thirty-three and he concentrates on the engine he’s working on, and when he’s done it’s eleven forty and he knows he has lost Cas forever.

Only he can’t lose what he’s never had.

At least that’s what he tells himself.

He doesn’t take his lunch break. He’s not hungry.

Sam calls.

Jimmy calls.

He just watches the calls flash by.

Sam.

Benny.

Charlie.

Sam.

Jimmy.

Claire.

Amelia.

Bobby.

Garth.

Aaron.

He doesn’t take a single one.

And he tells himself that it makes no difference that none of them are from Cas.

He goes through the motions.

His boss catches him as he’s trying to leave and gives him a few days off, tells him to “take it easy.”

He’d rather work, but he doesn’t argue.

At least he can order take-out and get black-out drunk now.

He’s more annoyed than surprised when he sees the lights are on. Sam must have come over. Maybe he brought Sarah and his niece to cheer him up.

As if it’s that easy. Still, he can understand where his brother is coming from, and maybe Sammy’ll be kind and leave him alone if he asks.

The last thing he expects is Cas to be making burgers in his kitchen.

He has to be hallucinating. He has to be. There’s no other explanation.

Cas looks up with a gentle smile, the one that makes his eyes light up that dean has missed so much in the last month.

“Hello, Dean. I made burgers.”

“I can see that” he replies lamely.

Only when Cas is plating them he manages to ask, “Cas, what are you doing here?”

“Sam gave me the key, and since my husband decided to live here instead of in our lovely home, this is where I belong.”

He’s fallen through a portal. This is bizarro earth. Something was wrong with his soulmate and Cas went mad.

Anything makes more sense than this – Cas stepping up to him, taking his hand, putting his ring back on and nodding to himself.

“Much better.”

“Cas – “

“No. You left me no choice when it came to leaving me. It’s my turn. We’re back together.”

“The papers – “

“I never signed them. I threw them away.”

He reaches out, pulls Dean in his arms. “You know, I talked to Sam and Jimmy. Jimmy was lonely before Amelia, he just didn’t want to admit it. And Sam and Jess – they were over well before he met Sarah.”

“What are you saying?”

“That it’s not fate. Dean, why did you marry me?”

“Because I wanted to”. He tries to shrug, which isn’t easy with Cas still wrapped around him.

“I did too. And I want to stay married to you. I meant what I said. It’s not about fate. It’s about choice.”

“But your soulmate – “

“We met. We talked. He’s… nice, I suppose, but he’s not you. I don’t even have his number.”

“But Cas – “

His husband – husband – kisses him, and Dean forgets what he was about to say.

Later, Cas murmurs against his skin, “I miss our bed.”

“I’ll move back in tomorrow” he promises. Cas kisses his chest. “Good.”

Then, suddenly, Dean has the strange feeling that Cas is blushing even though he can’t see it.

“What is it?”

“We’ll have to rearrange the cupboards in our bedroom a little bit.”

“What – “

“You didn’t really think I’d allow all of our pictures and Buzzy to go in the trash, did you?”

And in the darkness, next to the man he loves, Dean laughs.

“No. I guess not.”


	47. Mousse Au Chocolat

Castiel is not used to being “hit on” as Gabriel would call it. His brother says it has to do with his “creepy stare” and “flasher trench coat”; he prefers to think that he is not used to give people he doesn’t feel interested in encouragement, and be it only a smile.

Therefore, he doesn’t know what to do when, on his weekly dinner with his brother, one of the waiters, Benny, if he remembers correctly, greets them and says to him, “I’m supposed to tell you got real pretty eyes”.

Cas stares.

Gabriel whistles.

“Who’d have guessed? My brother has an admirer”.

Cas glares at him, but of course it doesn’t deter Gabriel from continuing, “And who is the man or lady who wishes to have their compliment passed on?”

“Gabriel - “ Castiel hisses, but it’s to no avail; Benny seems to be as amused as his brother, and happily answers, “The new chef. He happened to look out when you arrived - “

“Oh, a chef!” Gabriel gushes. “Finally you will have to eat more than PB&J sandwiches”.

“I like PB&J sandwiches” Cas answers indignantly, “and I have no interest - “

“But he’s great!” Benny interrupts him, looking eager. “Trust me, Dean’s a really good guy. Known him since High School. Practically raised his little brother by himself and still had time to ace culinary school”.

“I really don’t -”

“Is this about Dean and his crush?” a waitress chips in. She’s smiling brightly, and Cas is taken aback as she all but skips to their table, her red hair flying. 

“He’s cooking and gushing as we speak. Oh, Dean’s wonderful, you have no idea - “

“Have you known him since High School to?” Cas asks, desperate to get out of the conversation.

“Na; we met in New York. I’d gotten into trouble” she admits, and her smile finally drops. It reappear seconds later however when she adds, “And Dean got me back on the straight and narrow and took me with him when he moved near his brother. He even said they couldn’t have him if they didn’t hire me”.

Cas has to admit this… Dean sounds interesting. Generous. Responsible. Rather friendly perhaps too, But that doesn’t mean he has to react. Maybe he is slightly curious, but why such a man should need to be talked up before he made an appearance he fails to understand. 

“I almost forgot” Benny suddenly says, “Don’t order dessert. It’s taken care of”.

He knows it’s a lost cause when Gabriel’s eyes light up.

“CASSIE! YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER!”

“You just want free dessert” he whispsers, trying to get him to calm down. Sadly, his sugar addict of a brother ignores him. 

“AND WHAT IF I DO? HE’S GIVING US DESSERT! DESSERT! FOR FREE! CASSIE, NUMBER OR I DO IT!”

Now Benny grins. “Actually, he wanted me to ask”.

Cas gives in. It’s not like he has to pick up when an unknown number calls.

And he has to concede later that dinner is indeed delicious, far better than what they’re accustomted to in this place. Gabriel is bouncing up and down in his seat, and almost passes out from excitement when it turns out the mysterious Dean made them a testing plate with every dessert on the menu. 

He’s never going to calm him down from his sugar high. 

He’s just enjoying the mousse au chocolat, finding he really is curious about the chef now, when someone clears their throat behind him. 

Cas turns around.

The man is gorgeous. Cas stares at his green eyes and freckles and suddenly prays that this is Dean.

“Hi” he says, smiling sheepishly, rubbing his neck with his right hand. “I’m Dean”. 

“Dude! This was awesome! You totally have to marry my baby bro and invite me to dinner every Sunday!”

Dean ignores Gabriel, earning another point with Cas, and looks down on the ground shily as he asks, “What did you like best?”

“The mousse au chocolat” Cas replies honestly and Dean looks up.

As they smile at one another, Cas doesn’t know that two years later Dean will make him mousse au chocolat, kneel down and ask him to marry him. 

But he feels something begin.


	48. That's Family For You

Dean has survived his fair share of Novak family gatherings at this point. He even got first introduced to his boyfriend’s relatives at his brother’s wedding.

And really, most members of the Novak clan are at least bearable, may it be Cas’ cousin with his prank and candy obsession, his holier-than-thou twin or his slightly crazy aunt who insisted on interrogating Dean before she decided that he was the “proper man for our Castiel” (to be fair, he and Naomi have grown rather close since then).

But maybe he just overlooks all the craziness of the Novaks because –

Because to be frank, Dean can’t remember when one of his relationships survived the dreaded monthly Sunday lunch his grandparents have to inflict on them.

At the same time he has to admit that he seldom even gets so far to introduce someone to his family.

He can tell Cas is expecting an invitation any moment now, that he’S wondering why he’s only met Sam and his girlfriend so far when his father and grandfather are still alive when this is looking mor and more like they might be in for the long haul.

Mainly because Dean really really wants them to be in for the long haul.

But remembering the warm welcome his father and grandfather gave Benny (luckily they were already starting to feel they were better off as friends, but still…) he doubts they will once he asks Cas to accompany him.

But they have been dating seven months, he’s got the numbers of most of Cas’ family members, he only just last week helped Naomi assemble a new cupboard for her kictehn and Dad just called about the lunch and demanded that he brings “the one he is seeing” with him.

His heart thinks. How long is Cas going to take it? Cassie didn’t even make it past the first steaks being put on the grill, Lisa stormed out after his grandmother criticized her parenting skills, and with Cas…

He’s not the first man he brought to meet them, and Benny lasted at least through the whole meal. Although they already decided they were better of as friends beforehand, so he doesn’t know if it counts.

What he’s saying is that there’s a pretty good chance he’ll be alone again after next Sunday, and the thought hurts more than it should. Sure, they’ve been testing the waters, but that doesn’t mean –

Who are you kidding? he thinks as he watches Cas move around in his kitchen. Of course it means exactly that. But no point in saying anything now.

He tries to warn his boyfriend as best as he can, so it’s no surprise that Cas looks very nervous that Sunday, changing his shirt three times even though Dean assures him it’s not necessary.

Sam greets them at the door, Sarah in tow, ready as always to help his big brother. They know from experience that having at least two sane family member won’t do much, but he’s thankful nonetheless.

He can immediately tell Dad and Samuel have already had a few drinks, grandmother is cautiously studying Cas like he is a member of an alien species, and Christian and Mark are waiting gleefully for the drama to unfold. Gwen used to be part of that group too, but she and Dean have grown closer together since she had her first child – he supposes because you can’t help but like someone who babysits on a regular basis – and she stands up to greet Cas as friendly as Sam and Sarah did.

“So, _Cas_ ” Dad begins as soon as they are seated, “Dean tells us you’re a writer.”

Of course he’d pick that first. For Dad being a write is perhaps as manly as a career as surrogate mother.

“He exaggerated” Cas says evenly, “mostly I translate the works of others.”

“You just finished your first book” Dean argues.

“It took me long enough”. The look Cas gives him is nothing short of sappy. “I guess I found a new inspiration.”

He is very aware that he’s blushing fiercely, and that Dad and Samuel are going to use that to make things even worse than they ever were for any of his other partners, so he takes Cas’ hand because it’s already pointless to behave.

“I don’t suspect that you earn – “ Samuel begins, because the only thing he and Dad have ever agreed on is that whoever Dean’s partners are, they either aren’t right for him or he doesn’t deserve them, only to be interrupted by Gwen.

“What’s it about? Your book?”

And Cas launches into his usual dialogue about two demon hunting brothers and the angel they meet on the way.

Not all of Sam’s and Sarah’s and Gwen’s well-meaning questions prevent the others from getting a word in.

Dad and Samuel have apparently decided to let their grandmother have her say, because it is easy to ignore them; it’s almost impossible not to listen to someone who has been the equivalent of a doormat for decades and finally speaks.

“Are you like Dean?” she inquires in all her obstinate, old-fashioned confusion.

“I’m sorry?” Cas asks politely, and Dean is about 70% sure that he’ll have another ex to add to a long list in about two minutes.

“Do you go out with girls and boys?”

They have been dating long enough to meet one or two homophobic douche bags, and Dean knows that Cas doesn’t take kindly to them. At all. He looks away and catches Gwen’ sympathetic eyes.

“No, I’m only attracted to males” Cas tells her cheerfully, leaning over and kissing Dean’s cheek like nothing, “and I hope you don’t mind if I take another piece of that wonderful pie”.

Is that the same boyfriend that dressed down the guy at the grocery store with a ten-minute-speech?

Dean has no idea what just happened, but everyone is pretty quiet after that, and when they finally get back to Baby, Cas looks actually – cheerful?

“Cas?” he asks, wondering if his family actually drove him insane.

“Yes?” he looks up and frowns, reaching for Dean’s hand. “Is everything alright?”

As if there was something wrong with _Dean_.

“Nah, it’s – “ he sighs. “I’m sorry, man.”

“About what?” Cas tilts his head to the side.

“My family. I know they’re – “

He’s surprised when Cas actually bursts into laughter. It’s official, Cas has gone sane, at least that’s a new way of the Winchester-Campbell clan to get rid off –

“Dean” Cas calms himself. “ _Dean_. The first time you met my twin, he took the time to threaten you at his own wedding –“

“He was drunk – “

“Exactly. Gabriel attempted to egg your car a week later – “

“I caught him in time, and he swore never to do it again – “

“Aunt Naomi interrogated you for two hours, my father is too drunk to even comprehend I’m in love! I spent the first two months _terrified_ that you would walk out the door and never look back – “

“Why would I – “ he remembers something and freezes. “You – you are – “

“Of course” Cas suddenly takes a step back, his expression guarded.

“I didn’t mean to – “

“No – no – “ Dean swallows. “It’s cool. No, no – well, yes it is, it’s just – me, too.”

Cas’ eyes widen and then they are kissing right there on his grandparents’ lawn.

“Dean?” he murmurs against his lips.

“Hm?”

“Move in with me?”

Dean beams.

“Do you really have to ask?”

Fifteen monthly lunches later Dean kneels down and asks Cas to marry him in front of his whole family.


	49. The Most Accepting Roommate

Dean had met a fair share of assholes in his life.

And a fair share of that fair share had been homophobic assholes.

That just happened when you were good friends with the one openly gay kid in school, not that Aaron had ever asked Dean to clog anyone insulting him.

He’d done _that_ out of principle.

The point was: Dean knew all about homophobic assholes, and he wasn’t one of them. He was the opposite of one, really.

Without being gay himself, of course, but that didn’t mean anything to him. After all it was just genes – you could be born gay, straight, or something else, it didn’t matter to Dean. At all.

When he left for college, he hadn’t even wasted one thought on the possibility that his roommate might be gay, because who cared? As long as the guy was easy to get along with, they wouldn’t have a problem.

As it turned out, Benny was bi but only had eyes for his girl Andrea, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. And when they finally parted ways at the end of the year, Dean knew he had made a lifelong friend.

Time went on, and eventually, Dean not only saw his engineering degree in sight but had also reached the point where their room – _rooms_ – could be described as an actual apartment and he could finally have some privacy.

Now all he needed was another laid-back roommate and his last year was going to be _awesome_.

True, when he first turned around to look at C. Novak, according to the sign on their door, he thought he looked a little weird, with the intense stare he was giving Dean (man, that were some baby blues); and for some reason he was wearing a suit, backwards tie and trench coat.

“Hello” he said, holding out his hand.

“Dean Winchester.”

“Hello Dean” he answered in a surprisingly deep voice.

“Castiel Novak”.

Man, he must have had some weird parents. Still, not Dean’s business. So he just smiled and nodded.

They spent the first day unpacking and getting to know it each other. Cas – as he quickly became known, due to Dean’s habit of giving people nicknames almost immediately – actually had an enjoyable sense of humour and, name issues aside, seemed to be pretty normal. Dean already had a good feeling about this.

At the end of the day, he asked, “Hey, Cas?”

“Hm?” his roommate asked while taking another big bite of one of the burgers they had got for dinner.

“What about if one of us has… a girl over?”

Cas frowned. “You mean…”

“Sesy times, yeah.”

Cas was silent for a moment before he answered, “In my case it wouldn’t be a girl.”

“Well, in that case, what if you have a guy over?” Dean asked simply.

He could tell by Cas’ surprised glance that he had expected more of a reaction, but he didn’t mention it.

“We should just text each other” Cas finally decided, “so we can arrange things accordingly.”

“Fine by me” Dean said, and that was that.

A few weeks later, Cas’ policy was put to the test and passed when Dean and Pamela decided to hook up and keep doing it out of laziness, really. Neither of them wanted to date around since they had enough to do at college, and it was good sex.

Cas was actually nice enough to not only treat Pamela well, but morning Dean woke up to find the gossiping in the kitchen over a cup of coffee.

“Man, Cas” he said after she’d left, “You’re something else. Don’t ever change.”

“With such high praise, I will try my outmost not to” Cas assured him with a smirk.

Ah, yes. Flirting with your gay roommate even though you’re straight. That had started almost as soon as they had moved in, and Dean had no problem with that. He loved to flirt.

“Cas, just that assurance makes my dreams come true” he declared dramatically as he winked at him.

Cas just rolled his eyes.

Eventually, Pamela met her soulmate – or at least believed she did, Dean thought that getting “Jesse forever” tattooed on her immediately spoke of her faith in the guy though – and their arrangement ended.

It was fine by Dean really, since he and Cas had started spending more and more time together and had indeed become best friends in the last two months.

One evening, Dean moaned as he bit in a burger Cas had cooked.

“Marry me” he breathed.

“Me or the burger?” Cas asked.

“You, of course. This baby ain’t gonna last much longer.”

“I’ll start shopping for dresses then.”

“Sooner rather than later.”

“My brother will be relieved; he thinks I’m already becoming a spinster.”

Dean swallowed another bite and shook his head.

“Nah. You’re too hot to be a spinster.”

Somehow, that came out sounding far more serious than Dean intended, and for a moment, they just stared at one another.

There was a strange tension in the air.

Cas broke eye contact and suggested they watch a movie. Dean shrugged it off.

Everything was going great, as far as Dean was concerned. He had Cas, he had his friends, he could get a girl whenever he wanted, he would soon be an engineer.

So of course something had to go wrong. Or not something. Just – yeah, something. Along the way, _something_ must have gone wrong.

Because one day Cas texted him to let him know that he had company and Dean felt… angry.

He didn’t get it. He was studying at Charlie’s anyway. He wouldn’t be home for hours yet.

So why was he suddenly…

He quickly put the phone away when he heard Charlie return with her coke.

“Everything alright?” she asked.

“Sure” he mumbled. “Just hate this freaking equation – “

But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he couldn’t even concentrate on his books, rather he was thinking about what Cas was doing to the guy he’d picked up –

Or more importantly what that guy was doing to Cas.

And he felt worse and worse the more he thought about it.

What was wrong with him? He’d known Cas was gay, he’d known he slept with guy. So Cas was finally getting some. About time, too.

“Handmaiden!” Charlie pocked him with her pen. “Stop daydreaming! Your Queen needs you over here!”

“Sorry” he mumbled automatically, trying to focus on their homework.

By the time he returned to their apartment hours later, he had convinced himself that he’d just been surprised that Cas had actually decided to fool around a little.

He realized he had been lying to himself when he opened the door and saw Cas making out with someone on the couch.

Suddenly, he felt sick to his stomach.

This was Cas.

Making out with a guy.

He retreated until his back was pressed against the door, revulsion coursing through his veins. Somehow, he managed to make a noise so that Cas registered he’d come home and quickly put some distance between him and the douche who had his hands all over him.

“Dean! I’m sorry, I forgot the time – Dean, are you okay?”

He became aware that he was still leaning against the door, sweating, feeling faint.

“Yeah” he said, shaking his head, “Sure. Just forgot to eat while I was at Charlie’s”.

Cas sighed. “Never can trust you two to take care of yourselves. I’ll make something quick!”

“Thanks” Dean answered before he had registered that Cas had meant _immediately_ , therefore skipping into the kitchen as soon as he was done talking, and leaving Dean with that – that gay asshole who had done things to Cas that he –

“Hello” asshole said with a cheeky grin, jumping up. “Name’s Balthazar”.

He walked up to Dean and held out his hand. The last thing he wanted to do was the shake the hand of this dirty creepy –

What was he doing? Why was he repulsed?

He quickly took the offered hand, although he let it fall almost immediately.

_Focus, Winchester._ No one _reacts this way to their friend making out. He must think you’re a homophobic jerk._

“Dean” he said.

“I guessed as much. Cassie talks a lot about you.” He was still grinning. “Well, I best leave the two of your alone so he can feed you. Just going to say goodbye”.

He followed Cas into the kitchen and Dean’s stomach turned again at the thought that he probably wanted to kiss him goodbye.

He fled into his room until Balthadouche was gone.

Cas was cooking by the time he came back out.

“Almost done” Cas announced.

“Great, thanks.”

Cas glanced at him, then asked, “How’s Charlie?”

Thankfully things went back to normal after that.

But still Dean couldn’t get the picture of Cas…

Of _them_ …

Out of his mind.

Oh well. His friend had had fun. Maybe he was just shocked Cas left his books for a while.

But it kept happening. Every time Cas sent him such a text from then on, Dean felt like breaking his phone.

He didn’t have a problem with guys doing guys. He didn’t.

He wasn’t like those – those –

He _wasn’t_.

And yet…

Why did it disturb him so much?

Things came to a heed when Balthazar stayed the night. He and Cas apparently had something going on like Dean and Pamela had had, although he’d never asked.

Dean was making breakfast in the kitchen when Balthazar strolled in.

“So this is why Cassie keeps you around – I’ll have a coffee, please.”

And for some reason, Dean couldn’t keep back.

“Make it yourself, you fucking – “

It was at this moment that Cas came in and just gave Dean a look and his heart sank.

He left their apartment and ran around town to calm himself before calling Sam. His little brother would know what to do.

As soon as he picked up he blurted out “I’m a homophobic jerk and Cas hates me.”

“What?”

He’d clearly woken Sam up.

Dean explained what had happened, as far as he even understood it, that was.

“And I almost said – oh God, what’s Charlie’s gonna say? And Aaron? I’m such an asshole, Sam – “

“Dean” he interrupted him calmly. “Dean.”

“What?!”

“Have you ever considered the possibility that it’s not the guys that you’re angry about, but the fact that they are with _Cas_?”

“What do you – “

It dawned on him what Sam meant.

“No. It can’t be. I mean… No.”

“Why?”

“Why? I’m straight – “

“You’re sure about that?”

“Of course. I think I would have noticed _that_.”

“Doctor Sexy” Sam interjected.”Harrison Ford. And I have seen you look at other men, Dean.”

Okay, so he would admit some men were pretty hot, and of course Doctor Sexy was –

Wait, what?

No.

He didn’t –

But then he thought of Cas, with his blue eyes and his gently smile and his messy hair. Heat collected in his stomach.

_Oh_.

Apparently, he did.

And he had to do something about it right now before he lost him for good.

He barely remembered saying goodbye to Sam, but then he was standing in their living room again. Cas was sitting on the couch. Balthazar was gone, thank God.

He sat down next to Cas, having no idea how to start.

_Oh well. It won’t get easier if you wait._

“The thing is…” Dean began, swallowed, stopped.

“What is it?” Cas asked, frowning.

When Dean didn’t answer, he gently touched his hand. Dean shrank away out of surprise, and Cas moved back, barely concealing the hurt on his face.

He probably thought Dean didn’t want to touch him because he thought he was what Dean had thought he was.

Dean’s hand darted out and grabbed Cas’.

“No!”

“No?” Cas blinked slowly.

“I mean – “ Dean huffed. This was exhausting.

“Remember how I don’t like the guys you sleep with?”

An emotion he didn’t like passed over Cas’ face, and he tried to pull his hand away. Dean wouldn’t let him.

“I thought – I thought I was homophobic all along. Freaked me out”. He chuckled because he couldn’t help it.

“Turns out the reason I didn’t like the guys was that they were with _you_.”

“Dean?”

“I want it to be me, Cas” he said softly. Now the words came easy to him. “Not just for one night, obviously. But I want to be with you. As a roommate, as a friend, as a lover.”

He didn’t care that he’d never done… anything with a guy before. Hell, as long as Cas was willing to try, he’d shout it from the freaking roof top.

Cas started to laugh. Dean was caught by surprise, unsure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

“What – “

Cas used their intertwined hands to pull him closer.

“I was trying to get over you” he confessed. “I thought if I could… get it out of my system as they say it would make my feelings for my straight friend go away.”

“So you… meant the flirting?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded. “I thought I was just indulging my crush…” He trailed off. His gaze drifted down to Dean’s lips.

They moved towards one another at the same time.

_Huh,_ Dean decided as Cas kissed him as if he was the most precious thing in the world, _definitely not homophobic._

“I think” Dean said cheerfully, “that went pretty well.”

And he kissed Cas again to prove it.

**Ten years later**

“And that was how Dean found that he doesn’t mind Cas kissing guys as long as that guy is him – “

Dean buried his face in Cas’ shoulder.

“I told you not to let him drink before his speech.”

“First of all it was Gabe’s duty, and second of all, it is somewhat amusing, don’t you think?”

Dean grumbled half-heartedly about annoying little brothers acting as best men before he drew his new husband into a kiss.


	50. Open House

When he finds out, Bobby decides that for once he has been a damn idjit himself.

There had to be a reason Dean has been visiting so damn often between hunts. Not that he minds seeing the kid; he remembers very well how shattered he looked the first time he knocked at his door three years ago after Sam had left for college and his father had patted his shoulder and told him to keep hunting alone.

Not something Bobby would ever have told any kid of his to do, but hey, the last time they saw each other he threatened John with a shotgun, so it’s safe to say they disagree on certain topics.

Of course he took Dean in then, for the few days he allowed himself to relax before he was off to hunt. Thankfully he kept his promise to stay in touch, and he’s been visiting more and more often, especially over the course of last year.

He’s always welcome to the couch, and he’s soon integrated himself into the small circle of friends Bobby has managed to find.

Ellen and Jody are still stuck in a weird contest who gets to be the mummier mum to the “poor boy”, apparently, Jo has quickly established herself as the annoying little sister (good for him, Bobby is sure he still misses Sam although he never mentions him) and he and Ash form a surprising close attachment over beer pong.

Time passes.                                            

When Dean is twenty-four, two years after he first showed up, Bobby becomes aware that he’s practically living with him now and hunting now and then – instead of the other way around.

Sometimes he wonders what John would say to all of that. He knows he and Dean are still in contact, and he suspects Dean is less than honest with him, but why should Bobby care? He sees that Dean is striving, and honestly, he’s come to mean so much to him that’s all that matters.

Mostly Dean helps him at the salvage yard, takes over phone duty and picks up small jobs from time to time to earn money. True, he also spends several nights a week someplace else, and Bobby is beginning to think he might have found himself a girlfriend, but he also looks better, less haunted every day and he’s a pretty good cook.

Bobby forgot how good it feels not to be alone.

Hell, lately, the same neighbours who used to talk behind his back about “the town drunk” stop to chat when they see him and ask about “his boy”.

He wonders if Dean’s mystery girl is to blame when he shows up only two weeks after he left.

Not that it matters – he’s already decided what he’s going to do.

“Cleaned out the second bedroom upstairs” he says casually when Dean drops his duffle bag on the couch. “No need for you to sleep on that when you do most of the heavy lifting at work these days.”

Dean is silent for a moment.

“Bobby…” he begins and he just knows what he’s about to say. Of course he’s hesitant because having a room means staying, means belonging here, and he hasn’t had that since he was four years old.

Before Bobby can say something, Dean’s phone rings, and the smile on the young man’s face tells him everything.

He hasn’t just found himself a girlfriend.

That boy’s in love.

And with someone right here in town, looks like, because instead of picking up he looks at Bobby and says, “Thanks. I’ll get the rest of my stuff from the car.”

He’s moved in an hour later and leaves immediately.

Bobby doesn’t mind. He remembers being young and in love.

It’s just weird that Dean doesn’t tell him, especially since he returns that night to finally open up about John and Sam and the life they led until he shows up on his doorstep, and Bobby pats his shoulder and thanks him for being honest.

But not a single word about the mystery girl.

Neither does anyone else comment on it, and it seems strange that Dean should keep her a secret.

God, he hopes she’s not married. Then again, he doubts Dean would cheat on anyone, not even per proxy.

From the day he moves in, Dean begins working at the Salvage Yard in earnest; word travels, and soon the first customer from a town over arrives with an old Mustang, looking for a cheap way to restore it to his glory.

Dean’s eyes light up.

Bobby decides it’s time to start push him towards school. Boy’s too smart to spend his life here chugging old cars around.

But first he has to know.

It probably shouldn’t, but the mystery of Where Does Dean Winchester Keep Disappearing To is driving him crazy.

And because at this point, they’ve come so far that Dean has told him about the home John wanted him to “rot” in when he was sixteen, he figures he can be an adult and finally ask.

So on another morning when Dean strolls into work with a smile on his face, he inquires, “What’s her name?”

“Huh?” Dean tries to play dumb.

He rolls his eyes.

“Your girl. I’m not an idjit. I know you’ve been seeing someone.”

“I – “ Dean blushes, looks away. Finally, he admits, “Cas.”

“Cas?” Bobby frowns. Is there a Cassandra in town he doesn’t know?

“Could have sworn I know everyone around here… She knew?”

“No”. Dean’s fiddling his fingers.

“Cas. Castiel.”

And he understands.

“Novak’s youngest?”

He’s the same age as Dean, and it is rumoured that he might take off soon because he wants to study art and his father is still pushing him to join the church.

Not that Bobby listens to rumours. He’s just a regular at Ellen’s bar. It’s not his fault that people talk.

Dean is still standing there, waiting to be chastised, Bobby realizes. He kicks himself for not even having thought of the possibility. The boy must think he has a problem with – that.

“So when are you bringing him over for dinner so I can meet him properly?”

Dean looks up, eyes wide open.

“I – I can ask” is what he finally settles on as a response.

The Novaks usually keep to themselves, so it makes sense that Bobby doesn’t know the kid as well as he probably would otherwise, but he’s aware Castiel’s always been polite and kind of quiet.

He’s pleasantly surprised though; the boy’s clever too, and pretty funny when you get used to all his staring.

It’s also clear that he adores Dean as much as Dean adores him, and Bobby takes less than half an hour to realize he’s firmly in the get-Dean-to-believe-in-himself-more-call-his-brother-and-go-back-to-school corner, although he’s subtle about it.

Yes, he approves of this. Of Cas. Very much so.

And he makes sure Dean knows.

But, as his boy confides in him that night, his own sexuality crisis (as usual, he shrugs and glosses over his own problems) is not the biggest problem.

“Novak?”

As far as he remembers the guy’s always been a self-righteous annoying dick.

Seems that hasn’t changed.

“Cas is pretty sure he’ll throw him out when he tells him” Dean explains. “So we’ve been talking about getting a place eventually. When we have – “

“House’s still big, from what I can tell” Bobby says simply.

Dean stares. He shrugs.

“No reason to make you keep it secret these days. Novak can stuff it.”

This is how Bobby ends up living with a young gay couple – one of them an artist, nonetheless.

Oh well, as he said, no need not to go with the time. Apparently being cool with them is making him very popular with the young people in town. Business starts booming.

And Dean…

Dean seems to become happier by the day, especially since he now has Cas living with them.

And then Bobby realizes it has been two months since he last went on a hunt. He confronts Dean – gently, of course, if he makes him think he doesn’t want him here both the boys will be gone this instant – and he admits that he doesn’t really want to anymore.

“I’ve been thinking. I mean I’ve got Cas, and a job, and maybe I’ll look into this college thing. I know I’m pretty young for retiring, but I figure I’ve done enough”.

“’Course you have” Bobby confirms.

And that is that.

At least until John shows up a week later.

Bobby swore to himself that he’d blast him off his porch after their last fight, but he doesn’t really have the heart to do it, not with Dean and Cas in the house.

“Where is he?”

“What makes you think he’s here?” Bobby just asks.

John huffs. “I traced his phone. He hasn’t moved in two months.”

He actually spits it out like an insult.

Before Bobby can answer, Dean says “Hey, Dad” behind his back.

John is obviously fuming (and past his first beer of the day, but it’s not like Bobby’s got a right to say anything about that).

“That’s all you have to say to me? What are you doing here?”

“I live here, Dad.”

“In Sioux Falls?” John asks mockingly. “Helping Bobby work the phones.”

“As a matter of fact, he does” Cas interrupts, and it is only then that Bobby learns that Cas apparently knows all about why they have five phones and so many books about lore.

Bobby had no idea that they had come so far already.

He better start picking up wedding magazines. Cas probably wants to go the whole nine yards.

“Dad – “

“Dean, we have work to do, and you – “

“If you mean the yellow-eyed demon, we are working on it. A friend of mine studies religion; he doesn’t know it’s real, of course, but he has found someone named Azazel who –“

So that’s what they have been doing in the library.

Well, Bobby won’t deny it’s a relief in a certain way.

“Who are you?” John demands and for a second silence reigns before Dean steps up to John, right past Bobby, followed by Cas.

He takes his hand and declares proudly “This is Cas. My boyfriend.”

Bobby moves up to them, just in case…

But something in Dean’s expression seems to have struck John silent. He blinks, stares, and leaves.

And somehow, that is that.

Dean’s very quiet that evening, but he doesn’t let go of Cas’ hand, and he doesn’t seem upset. Sad, rather. It takes him a few days to get over it, but soon enough he’s laughing as if nothing happened again, and Bobby spies a college brochure on a table in the library, but doesn’t say anything for now.

Life is good.

Still, there’s something missing, or rather, someone.

Until he isn’t.

One day, he hears Dean talking on the phone outside; it’s a cool evening and he’s wondering what he’s doing when Cas looks up from the sketch he’s working on.

“He’s talking to Sam” he simply says.

Really, who is this boy? How does he manage to get past Dean’s defences?

“So how’s the search going?”

“I think once we have enough information we could send it to other hunters to. It would make it easier – “

“I doubt John would like that.”

Cas frowns. “I have more important things to consider than what _John Winchester_ would like”.

“I agree with you there” Bobby grins as Dean’s laughter drifts in through the open window.

Yeah, he has the feeling that there are a lot of things he and Cas agree on.

First and foremost that Dean Winchester certainly deserves to be happy.


	51. Open Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Companion Piece to "Open House"

He doesn’t decide to drive to Sioux Falls, not consciously at least. They haven’t seen Bobby in years –

No, not _they_. _He_ hasn’t seen Bobby in years.

_They_ ’s a thing of the past, ever since Sam just left for college without a glance back and Dad told him to get back to hunting.

He did. What else was he supposed to do?

But it was just so damn _quiet_ in the car without his baby brother there to annoy him.

One day, after he ganked a witch who’d decided to munch on a small suburban neighbourhood he registers that he’s not far away from Sioux Falls, and maybe it’s the memory of chasing Sammy around all those rusting cars, but somehow he ends up at Bobby’s doorstep.

This is probably not a good idea. The last time Dad took them here it ended with Bobby threatening him with a shotgun.

He still knocks.

It’s the same old Bobby who opens the door, down to the cap on his head. He eyes Dean and the hunter realizes he’s grown quite a bit since Bobby kicked Dad out.

“Hi Bobby. It’s Dean Winchester.”

He doesn’t know what he expected, but an actual smile and an invitation to step in wasn’t part of it, he’s sure.

Of course he knows that Bobby’s keeping an eye on the wards he put up everywhere and that there’s holy water in the beer he offers him, but at least his smile is genuine afterwards.

“Didn’t expect to see you again, have to say. How’s Sam?” After a pause he adds, “and your Dad?”

“Dad’s hunting, you know him. Sam… Sam went to college”.

It still stings to think about Sam just turning away from him without a word that night.

“Always smart, that kid. How’s he doing?”

“He’s fine, I guess”.

And Bobby apparently understands, because he doesn’t ask any more questions.

Instead, he lets Dean stay on his couch and help with the cars for a few days. He’s soon off again, of course – Dad would kill him if he knew he was slacking – but somehow –

He keeps finding his way back.

Every few months he ends up for another week or more (and he’ll admit he’s prone to stay for a month at least, by now) at Bobby’s place.

He even has friends in Sioux Falls. Ellen and Jody are both awesome, and Jo is quickly transforming into the little sister he never had (another pang, thinking of Sammy. He’s used to it now). Ash is pretty cool too, even with the hair.

Plus, Dean’s always been really good at fixing cars, and he and Bobby are growing rather close. So close that one day, as he is comforting a little girl who lost her mum in the store (he thinks she’s Reg Manner’s youngest, but he hasn’t calmed her down enough to make certain yet) and thankfully her mother finds them and keeps thanking him long enough that a curious acquaintance of hers stops to ask, he’s introduced as “Singer’s boy” and finds himself strangely pleased at that.

He never tells Dad that he’s found something of a home base – if he can even call it that. It’s not as if he’s staying permanently.

And then, one year and a half after his first visit, he meets Cas.

He’s seen the various Novak siblings around, of course. It just happens in a small town. He’s even seen Castiel, the youngest, from afar, and he knows that old Novak is something of a jerk and disappointed because none of his other children joined the church so now Castiel’s the chosen one.

Dean learns why he doesn’t want to be one night when he wants to get a drink and instead stumbles upon a young man about his own age painting an old house.

Right in the middle of the night with only a small lamp to help him.

“Ahem… Hello?” he asks because for all he knows the guy’s escaped from a mental institution. Who’d choose an abandoned street in the middle of the night to paint in?

“Hello, Dean”.

He’s taken aback until he continues, “You work at Bobby’s garage from time to time. Everyone knows.”

“Aha, and you’re – “

“Castiel. Castiel Novak”.

He turns to look at Dean and even in the dim light he sees how freaking blue his eyes are. Dean swallows. He’s not yet comfortable with the whole finding guys hot thing.

But Castiel…

Man he wouldn’t mind getting over this whole crisis for _that_.

“Do you often paint at night?”

“The light is fascinating.”

“What light?”

“That’s why it’s fascinating” Castiel informed him.

Dean has no idea why he stays with the hot nut job, or why they keep meeting afterwards for coffee or lunch to talk.

But when he leaves town this time he has a new number in his phone.

And well – it would just be rude not to call when he visits Bobby again, wouldn’t it?

So they start hanging out regularly.

And maybe Dean is over his crisis by now.

And just perhaps this has to do with needing Cas in more ways than one.

And maybe, just maybe –

It happens one day, Cas pushing him against the nearest wall and kissing him soundly, and by God, why didn’t they do this before?

So now he has Cas too when he comes to visit – or rather, he has him with extras, which is even better than just hanging out with him – and compared to what he had when Sam left, his life is looking pretty peachy right now.

Except for the fact that he’s kind of falling in love, and instead of running away, he’s constantly running back to Sioux Falls. His excuse that he’s still living on the road falls rather flat when he does the math one day and realizes he’s spent more than half of the last year at Bobby’s.

It completely unravels the very next week when Bobby informs him he’s cleared out a room for him.

He wants to object – no, he doesn’t want, but he tries – when Cas calls and he decides actually staying here sounds pretty awesome.

Even if he does realize it’s time to be honest with his… boyfriend. And if Cas runs for the hills…

Well, he wouldn’t be the first one.

Somehow, Dean only finds the time late that night, Cas curled around him in his bed since his father is out of town. He’s tracing patterns on Dean’s chest and he swallows before asking, “Cas… you know how I leave every couple of weeks?”

“You used to” Cas corrects him, “you’re living with Bobby now.”

He sounds so freaking happy, Dean hates to burst his bubble.

“Yeah, but – when I was – I was hunting, you know.”

Cas frowns. “You said you were working”.

A hasty explanation follows, and he expects Cas to move away any second, but he doesn’t.

Instead, in the end, he whispers against his skin, “You saved people.”

He shrugs. “Did my best”.

It’s the first time he’s ever allowed to think about hunting in the past tense. Maybe he could actually stop. Work for Bobby. Figure stuff out.

That is if…

“Cas?”

“Remember when we first met?”

“You were painting a dark house on a dark street” Dean answers automatically.

“Yes, but I saw a picture where no one else did. It is easy for me to believe there’s more out there than what one knows.”

Dean stifles the ridiculous urge to cry at the trust in Cas’ voice.

He works for Bobby five days a week but hasn’t missed the old man’s comments about “education”. He won’t let him know that he might actually –

Well, he won’t think about that.

He hasn’t told anyone about Cas. Yet. He will eventually let Bobby know. Once he’s ready to burst this little happy bubble he’s somehow created for himself.

Bobby turns out to be the one to burst it, but not in a way Dean is expecting. He should really have known that he’d guess he’s in – a relationship. Old hunters have to be sharp, or they would never have got old to begin with.

So Bobby knows and he’s –

_Cool_ about it.

He actually wants to meet Cas.

Dean didn’t see this coming.

Nor did he expect Bobby getting along so well with a young gay artist, but here they are. And when Cas calls him, packing his bags, his voice trembling, because apparently they were not careful enough and a neighbour watched Dean leave so now his father knows, Bobby is the one he turns to.

He doesn’t really understand how asking for help turns into helping Cas settle in an hour later, but apparently they’re living with Bobby now.

Dean slowly comes to understand that he was actually building a life the whole time he thought it was just a happy little bubble. It’s a bit much, but Cas whispering against his skin at night makes it easier.

He rarely hunts anymore. Truth be told, they have enough to do. Bobby’s salvage yard has turned “hip” ever since word got round this son of a bitch threw Cas out and he moved in with them, because to the young crowd Dean and Cas are the coolest couple, it seems.

He really has no idea how humans work.

For example, he doesn’t understand why he himself isn’t angrier when Dad shows up. Instead, it plays out just like he would have imagined it to, with the man who dared call himself his father leaving because Dean has gone gay.

He’s not angry. He’s sad… resigned even. Tired.

Cas makes it better, Cas makes it all better. Is it too soon to tell him he loves him?

Dean wishes he could ask Sam. Cas mentions him from time to time, asks if he’ll consider calling.

He’s always considering calling Sammy. He just doesn’t know if he’ll pick up.

Finally, he crumbles. It’s been a good day, and Cas has just sold his first painting, and he really wants to share the good news.

His heart beats fast as he listens to the rings. Seven times, he tells himself. He’ll let it ring seven times, and if Sam doesn’t –

Six –

“Dean?”


	52. Coffee and Kisses

For some reason Dean could never phantom, Cas loves working at the 24/7 coffee shop around the corner of his flat. Maybe because it allows him enough spare time to write. Or because Dean can drop in all the time to see his best friend, although that thought always makes him feel like a self-centred jackass.

Point is, Cas loves the place and Dean has to admit it does look pretty nice and that the coffee is decent.

It’s just too bad that the boss doesn’t always pay attention to who he hires. Dean has the increasing suspicion that they guy even only hired Cas because he happened to come in at the right time. Cas.

His best friend has seen his fair share of co-workers come and go. There was Ash, who was fired after openly smoking a joint while serving a friendly old lady, Meg, whose crush on Cas was obvious to all but the man himself, Jo, who played around with the cutlery in a distinctly frightening manner and was politely let go, and God knows how many others.

But Zack takes the cake.

Because he can’t just be a dick; oh no, he has to be a homophobic dick.

Dean never had a problem with homosexuals, not before he admitted he was bi and certainly not after. He just doesn’t get how people can have problems with other people’s sexuality. It’s not like Cas can magically become straight, so why bother?

But by God, Zack has been bothering Cas for weeks now, ever sicne he got hired, and Dean almost blew up right in his face several times. Unfortunately, due to their boss’ weird ways of managing the shop, he’d probably blame Cas just as much as Zack and they’d both lose their jobs.

And Cas seems to be pretty relaxed about it all things considered, but Dean knows the comments must bother him.

Still, it surprises Dean when he calls him at 3 in the morning. He needs to get up for work in a few hours, damnit, and Cas knows he shouldn’t call on week nights –

He realizes this probably means an emergency of some sort and can’t pick up fast enough.

“Cas, what – “

“Dean, we have to date” Cas says matter-of-factly, effectually shutting him up. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about it, now and then, when it was late and Cas looked just too damn… angelic and he wished he could –

No. This would never happen.

“Have you been drinking too much coffee again?” he asks because Cas on a caffeine rush is a thing to behold.

He sighs. Dean was right then. Just a joke.

He’s definitely not disappointed.

Definitely.

“It’s Zack. He has been – you would say, “talking shit” all night. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I told him if he wanted a fight, my boyfriend and I were sure to pick him up on his offer, and when he wouldn’t believe me that I had one I told him it was you and that was why you came over so often – “

“And what do you want me to do about it?” Dean interrupts him because great, just great, now he’s worried he’s given himself away with all his visits during his lunch break and before and after work and on weekends and holidays and –

Okay, he might have to come by a little less.

After he’s dealt with… whatever this is.

“I thought…” Cas says, hesitantly, then stops before rushing out, “IthoughtyoucouldcomeovertomorrownotrightnowbecauseitwouldlooksuspiciousbutverysoonandwecouldactlikeacoupletothrowZackoff”.

Dean needs a moment to unravel that one.

“Oh” he finally answers eloquently.

“You don’t have to” Cas immediately assures him, “It’s just that –“

“Zack’s a dick” Dean says.

“Exactly. So I was –“

“It’s alright. You’ve got a day shift the day after tomorrow, right? I’ll come by during lunch break to show him who’s the celebrity couple around here.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

The relief in Cas’ voice helps with the sting that he’ll finally get to see what’s it like to date Cas and it’s just going to be a ruse to get a homophobic Dick to shut up.

But Zack really needs to be taught a lesson, and he can be the friend Cas needs.

Naturally they can’t just put on a big show for Zack, he’d get suspicious; they decide that Cas will text Dean when he’s on his break so Zack can stumble unto them eventually.

And hand holding and kissing Cas meanwhile? Won’t be a problem.

In fact, it might be a problem how much it won’t be a problem, but no one needs to know that.

He really shouldn’t be surprised that Cas immediately draws him into a kiss when he enters the coffee shop two days later, since his friend has always preferred a hands-on approach, but damn, he didn’t know Cas was that good a kisser.

He sits at his usual place, where he can chat comfortably with his – boyfriend, and wonders at how normal it all feels. Really, nothing has changed, except that Cas squeezes his hand when he refills his cup and once quickly moves down so he kiss him.

It’s just Dean’s luck that that’s also going to be the last kiss he gets, because at precisely that moment Zack comes in, stares, takes a step back and runs into another colleague of theirs, and several cups of coffee land on the floor.

Cas steps away from Dean with a smirk and asks casually, “Zack, do you need help?”

Dean’s still reeling from the kiss – their last one, as fate would have it, and man, doesn’t that just suck – but even he laughs as Zack mumbles an answer and flees into the kitchen.

He’d never think he’d envy Zack, but he really does. All he wants to do is draw Cas back into his arms, but this was only a charade, and it’s over now that it has done what it was supposed to do – their boss is already screaming at Zack about the spilled coffee.

Cas comes back to grin at him, Dean hoping that he isn’t giving away anything when –

Cas just kisses him again. Dean kisses back before he realizes that Zack is still being chewed out, so why are they doing this?

His friend pulls back and frowns as he studies his expression. Then he quickly steps back.

“I’m sorry, Dean – I thought – “

He moves forward, gathers him back into his arms. No way is he getting away when Dean thinks this is –

This –

“No. I mean, yes. I mean – “

Damn it all.

He kisses Cas again, hard.

“Can I take you out on a date after your shift?”

Cas’ grin is all the answer he needs.


	53. Casual

Dean and Cas are mated now.

That in itself probably shouldn’t be surprising. God knows Dean has opened his mouth many times over the last few years to tell Sam _something_ (and he rather suspects it would have been a rather long-winded discussion about Doctor Sexy and his love for both pie and cake before actually getting to the point) but he always stopped talking just as it got interesting.

Sam really couldn’t care less that his brother is into both alphas and omegas. Cas, of course, was neither when they met him. Since he became human, he presented as an alpha, as expected.

Of course Sam knew he and Dean spent most of their time together, and that they were extremely close.

And alpha/alpha matings are no longer as rare as they once were, especially since the Supreme Court’s ruling.

Still, mating is so important that Sam would have liked some sign that they were courting before Dean strolled into the kitchen this morning, smiling brightly, a big red bite on his neck.

He didn’t even say anything; he just winked at same, made breakfast for him and his – mate (although he was kind enough to prepare an egg for Sam, too) and then he was off to his – _their_ room.

Which they _haven’t left yet_ and it is almost seven pm.                

Sam, meanwhile, has been trying to wrap his head around the fact that he now has a brother-in-law.

Because being friends is one thing, but suddenly mating –

And he remembers.

_Cas comes out of his room for the first time in three days. Dean is immediately at his side._

_“How are you, buddy? The first rut’s always hard. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”_

_“I actually found the sensations it aroused somewhat pleasant, if directed towards the right fantasies.”_

_Dean blushes scarlet, especially because Cas moves a little bit closer to him as he says so._

_Sam can’t resist a snigger._

_“Shut up, bitch. Cas, that’s not – look – you don’t talk about stuff like that.”_

_Cas frowns._

_“Why not? You said we are family – “_

_“We are, Cas. Dean is just old-fashioned” Sam interrupts him. Dean is still blushing._

_But he hasn’t moved away._

Cas has probably been around for too long, so Sam never saw it. But others did.

_“A slice of pecan pie, please, sweetheart”. Dean grins at the waitress. Sam just rolls his eyes, but Cas moves a bit closer to Dean._

_The young beta raises an eyebrow and simply nods._

_When the pie arrives it comes with two forks._

_Dean doesn’t comment on it; to Sam’s surprise, he even lets Cas eat a few bites._

A random stranger could see what Sam was unable to.

It has been six months since Cas’ presentation. He has never shown an interest in… anyone, as far as Sam knows.

Of course he realizes now the reason for this is that he was already very much interested in someone, of course.

_“I did get the information we were looking for, but I have to admit it was rather difficult. The lady in the library kept interrupting me. She tried to scent me.”_

_“She did what?!” Dean exclaims._

_“Don’t worry I let her know that I considered her behaviour highly impolite.”_

_“Impo – you can’t just let anyone scent you, Cas! You’re not running around scenting everyone – “_

_“Why would I?”_

_And Cas stars at Dean as Dean stars at Cas. Sam shrugs and returns to the book he’s reading._

In the end, it’s easy to accept it.

Hell, and if it keeps that smile on Dean’s face that Sam saw this morning, he’s ready to call it a blessing.

So when the door of the library opens and Dean says gently “Sammy”, he turns around and smiles.


	54. Unusual Anniversary

Dean loves it when Sam comes over.

Yeah, sometimes he could do without his impromptu visits because it’s Sunday and his little brother and (almost) next door neighbour decided he wants Dean’s excellent coffee after having jogged around the town at sunrise, but he still loves waking up and finding Sammy in his kitchen. Especially if he’s already made coffee.

But today not even the coffee is good enough to do away with his panic.

Sam is of course not the real problem.

The real problem is that Sam’s very hot colleague is currently sleeping very naked in Dean’s very bed.

And if Dean ever planned on letting Sam know that he’s into guys too – and okay, the thought has crossed his mind now and then, especially since… point is, he wouldn’t have told him by Castiel Novak stumbling around in his underwear, as his – friend is wont to do until he has had a cup of coffee.

Castiel Novak, who’s not only Sam’s colleague but one of his closest friends.

His brother was the one who introduced them in the first place, for crying out loud.

Coming to think of it, he could probably have repaid Sam’s kindness of doing so in a better way than jumping practically immediately into the guy’s bed that night one year ago.

But in all fairness, it’s not Dean’s fault that Cas is freaking hot.

For some reason, he really didn’t expect to see Sam this weekend, so when he enters the kitchen after hearing someone moving around at eight am, his first thought is whether a lifetime supply of his good stuff instead of Sam’s “healthy coffee alternative” would take the blow off “Oh hey, did I mention I’ve been screwing your friend for a while and that I actually might be screwed in a different way too because he happens to be freaking amazing?”

“Sam – “ he begins, unsure whether he should just tell or wait for the inevitable since whenever he gets up, Cas is sure to follow soon after. Sometimes, he thinks this means…

He never dwells on it. Much.

“Hi Dean, you don’t mind, do you?”

“Of course not Sammy” he says, and then Sam shoots him the look.

The look he knows all too well. The really?-look. The you’re-lucky-you’re-my-brother-and-I-love-you-look.

The you-just-got-laid-and-I-can-tell-look.

He’s not wearing a t-shirt, is he. Dean glances at his mirror image in the window. Nope. Not wearing a shirt.

Why the Hell didn’t he put on one again?

And why did it seem like a good idea last night when he allowed Cas to leave hickeys – everywhere, really?

Guy turned into a vampire recently? Although he certainly put away enough burgers last night, so no taste for blood –

Okay, this is getting weird.

“I’ll just…” he gestures towards his torso and returns to his bedroom in search of a reasonably clean t-shirt.

Of course Cas stirs awake the second he enters.

Grumpy as always in the morning, his hair in disarray he nonetheless gives Dean a small smile as he murmurs, “Hello, Dean.” Then he promptly snuggles back into his pillow.

“Morning” he answers, his heart beating faster after hearing Cas’ deep voice.

It’s pretty clear that, even ignoring their – his, his visitor – he’s in trouble. Of the feelings kind.

But he has no time to think about that now, or ever, so he pulls on his favourite and thankfully clean Led Zeppelin shirt and says, “Sam’s here.”

“Oh?” Cas opens one eye again to check his alarm clock.

“He must have been jogging” he mumbles, more to himself.

“Yeah, I’ll just – stay here, get some more rest” Dean says quickly and leaves.

He knows Cas; he’ll go right back to sleep if he isn’t thrown out of bed, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

Sam welcoming him with the question “Do I know her?” is a problem however.

“Who?” he asks brilliantly, but the lawyer only shakes his head.

“I heard you talking. You haven’t started mumbling to yourself, have you?”

“No”. He’s very aware that he’s blushing scarlet, and that it gives Sam all kinds of ideas.

“So? Do I know her? Is it serious?”

“Sam” he hisses because no, he’s never going to allow himself to use the word “serious” when it comes to Cas, but before he can continue, a simple greeting of “Sam” behind him makes him fall silent.

No. God no.

Why is today the day that Cas decides to get up before nine o’ clock?

Sam is staring at his colleague as if he has grown two heads – but maybe that’s just because he isn’t wearing a suit for once (at least he had the decency to put on his jeans and t-shirt from last night – nope, Dean takes it back, Cas doesn’t have any decency at all because that is very clearly Dean’s AC/DC t-shirt. Oh joy).

“Hey Cas” Sam finally says, giving his friend an awkward half-wave that he ignores as he pours himself a coffee and sits down next to Sam on the table. Dean, realizing that he feels like an idiot standing up, takes place next to Cas, praying that this won’t get more awkward.

“I didn’t know you knew each other so well”.

_Damn it, Sammy._

“Oh?” Cas asks and Dean’s left to wonder why he suddenly feels like a jerk.

“Yeah” he hastens to explain, “me and Cas we – “

“We’ve been dating for a year” Cas says at the same time matter-of-factly, smiling softly at him.

Wait, what?

Dating? They’ve been having fun, sure, and Dean’s been showing him around since he moved here explicitly to start working at Sam’s firm, and he’s been trying to educate him regarding movies and shows because his knowledge is woefully inadequate in these points, and Cas has taken him to a bee farm and to the opera (it was pretty good, actually) and they just spent the weekend cuddling but it’s not like their exclusive – okay, they are, but only because neither wants sex with someone else –

_Oh_.

Apparently they _are_ dating.

Nice to know.

Sam seems to have come to the conclusion that Dean didn’t tell him because it’s his first same-sex relationship (relationship, yeah. Other stuff, not so much. Doesn’t matter, there are some things Sam doesn’t need to know). Good. Better this than thinking Dean’s an absolutely freaking idiot.

“So… me and Sarah can expect you two for dinner tonight?”

There’s an expression on his face that Dean knows means _you better don’t say no, I have questions_ so he takes Cas’ hand and says, “Sounds good. What do you think, angel?”

Cas kisses him softly before nodding at Sam, who’s suddenly wearing the soppiest grin Dean has ever seen.

Oh well. There’s more important stuff to wrap his head around right now.

And he wouldn’t have it any other way. 


	55. Sex, Rehab and Rock n' Roll

Sam used to hate celebrity news.

Not out of principle, not because he found them uninteresting.

No, due to his greatest fear that one day there’d be a newsflash and the words _Rockstar Dean Winchester found dead in his hotel room_ would flare across screens in the whole country and this was how he’d learn that he finally lost his brother for good, after the man he remembered had already vanished into the wild public life of a musician who cared little for his own life.

That was five years ago, however.

These days when there’s a headline about Dean supposedly being seen clubbing, his brother-in-law shrugs his shoulders and deadpans, “I didn’t know you could hold a four-hour Skype conversation in a club”.

“Four hours?”

“I miss him” Cas shrugs.

“Two more weeks” Sam says automatically.

He’s counting too. Just like Sarah and little Mary.

Another thing that’s changed. Between tours, Dean always came to visit them, but even then he would get drunk or high on a regular basis, decline their invitations to dinner or worst of all, he would appear but obviously come from another threesome or bar fight.

While Sam loved and continue to love his brother dearly, if he already had a child then he wouldn’t have allowed Dean into his house.

Ironically, it was an overdose that caused this drastic change in Dean’s behaviour. Or rather, that let the real Dean shine through again after years of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll.

Sam knew that something bad had happened that night when Crowley called. There was no love lost between him and Dean’s agent, since the older man insisted that Dean’s lifestyle was good for publicity without a care for his health.

His first thought was that Dean was dead. _Not a newsflash after all._

Thankfully, Dean was still alive. It had been a close call. Heroin.

_As if Dad drinking himself to death wasn’t enough._

Sam, Sarah and Bobby spent hours in the waiting room. No member of Dean’s band showed up, of course. Most of them were only riding on Dean’s talent and popularity anyway. Crowley was there, though, and Sam couldn’t help but like him a bit more after seeing his honest worry.

When a doctor finally approached them, he felt like he had aged ten years.

“Family of Dean Winchester? I’m Doctor Novak.”

They introduced themselves.

“Your brother had to be reanimated, and until he wakes up, we can’t say if there will be… complications.”

Sam knew the statistics. He nodded.

He waited at Dean’s bedside, and when he finally woke up, he burst into tears.

Dean’s groggy attempts at comforting him by patting his hand did nothing to calm him down. On the contrary, he got angry.

“Do you know even know – heroin, Dean? Heroin!? I knew you were taking something, but that you could be so stupid as to risk – “

He broke off, trying to breathe, Dean still frantically groping for his hand.

Once he wasn’t choking anymore, he was ready to recommence screaming, but at this moment Doctor Novak entered the room.

“Mr. Winchester, I understand you are upset, but I need to ask you to refrain from this kind of behaviour or you’ll have to leave.”

“Sorry” he said, squeezing Dean’s hand. He was still angry, but Dean looked scared and lost with the feeding tube down his throat.

“Mr. Winchester” the doctor said, stepping up to the bed. “Do you understand why you are here?”

To their surprise, Dean let go of Sam’s hand and mimicked writing in the air. Once equipped with a pen and paper, he wrote down _almost died. Too many drugs_

“Just one is too many – “ Sam broke off. Doctor Novak nodded.

“Good. You seem to be aware of your surroundings. Can you tell me who just happened to scream at you when I came in?”

Seeing Dean roll his eyes, Sam was torn between anger and overwhelming relief.

_Sammy. Brother._

Somehow, Dean had managed to almost die and yet wake up unchanged.

At least that was what Sam had thought until the tube came out and Dean wasn’t feeling groggy anymore. Then, when he entered his room, his brother apologized to him.

He probably shouldn’t have used Dean’s habit of blaming himself for everything to blackmail him into taking a break and moving in with him and Sarah for a while.

Although that probably had a lot to do with Cas, as he came to be known soon after.

Despite him mostly working in the ER, Dean contrived to always go to him for checkups (which Sam was very aware of because he wasn’t letting his brother go anywhere alone for a while). It wasn’t difficult to see that he was developing a crush, while the doctor was reluctant at the beginning but slowly opened up as Dean visibly transformed from the drug-crazy rock star to the man Sam remembered so fondly.

When Sarah discovered she was pregnant, Dean’s delight at the prospect of becoming an uncle was obvious. It was also the evening he drew Sam aside.

“Sammy, I – I know I’ve been a colossal idiot. Scratch that, I was a freaking asshole, but – I promise I’m done with all of that.”

“Dean…”

“I really shouldn’t have –“

“Dean, I don’t want you to do this for me and our baby. I want you to get clean for yourself.”

“I will. I am.” He blushed fiercely and Sam guessed what he was thinking about.

“And about that – you better ask him out soon. Last time you stared at each other for five minutes before I cleared my throat.”

Uncharacteristically, Dean didn’t even try to deny it.

Then, Sam was a little apprehensive that Cas wouldn’t agree to go out with Dean despite the obvious chemistry between them.

A rather funny thought, now that they’re married.

They had a quiet ceremony eight months ago, but no reporter has seen the small infinity symbol Dean and Cas had tattooed on their ring fingers yet.

At least Sam thinks so until two weeks later when Dean gives an interview at the end of the tour. They’ve gathered around the tv in Cas’ and Dean’s living room, his brother-in-law happily buzzing around because Dean’s coming home tomorrow, when the female reporter suddenly says with a hungry grin (new gossip pays well, after all): “I noticed you have a new tattoo…”

Dean, professional that he is, grins at her. “Oh this?” He raises his hand to show her. “Got hitched a while back.”

“You – “ the reporter is taken aback at his relaxed attitude, and Sam grins.

“Can you tell us about her?” she asks.

“He’s the love of my life”.

To say the live-audience erupts into claps and shocked gaps would be an understatement.

Sam still doesn’t feel very happy that his brother chose a profession that causes him to be in the spotlight of celebrity reporters.

But he has to admit that _Dean Winchester proclaims love for husband: “The overdose was so worth it”_ might be his favourite headline yet.


	56. Reconnection

Later, Sam will think he was a freaking idiot.

How many children really listen to _AC/DC_  and know a ‘63 Mustang from a ’83 Peugeot?

Also, how many of those happen to have green eyes and befriend children who are bullied because “I gotta stick up for them, my Daddy taught me?”

But he still didn’t suspect in the slightest.

To be honest, when he first heard all about his daughter’s new best friend shortly after she’d started her second year in school, he was relieved. Deanna (he will admit that he is sentimental, now and then, and he’s still thankful that Sarah took the suggestion of a name for their firstborn with an easy smile) hadn’t made many friends until then, and Robbie sounded like a good kid.

He and Deanna have been inseparable at school for the better part of three months now, and it was Sarah who first suggested they should call Robbie’s parents and ask for a play date.

Really, it sounded like an excellent idea. It still _is_ an excellent idea.

But it still leaves Sam speechless when they arrive at a colourfully painted house (well, it’s not like he expected anything less – Castiel Novak is a well-known painter and professor at KU, while his husband works as a teacher and author of novels Sam hasn’t read yet because they are about father, sons, brothers and other things that hit too close to home, even after all this time) when he sees who’s playing with the two children in the front yard.

Not because it’s two guys. God knows he has heard enough about the Novaks, who have become the heroes of their daughter’s school because they not only happily participate in any festivities that he and Sarah sadly miss too often because they are busy, but also because they often send their son to his class with a whole pie, and he’s never had anything against anyone because of their sexual orientation.

But because one of them is Dean, older but unmistakeable Dean.                  

_Dean_.    

The brother he hasn’t seen for over twenty years, the one he cast off in a stupid fight he still regrets when twenty-three-year-old Dean finally visited nineteen-year-old Sam at Stanford and he, in all the glory of his studies, lectured him to finally settle down, let go of the drifter lifestyle their father had ingrained in them. Predictably this ended with them screaming at one another and Sam telling Dean never to return.

He took him by his word, changed his cell phone number, and that was the last he knew of his brother.

Until now.

Before he can gather his thoughts, Deana has spotted her friends and exits the car with an excited shout of “Robbie!” Which of course means the family looks at them.

Even before he steps out of his car, he knows Dean recognized him. His brother is standing completely still, staring as if he’s spotted a unicorn running down the street.

Sam barely spares his husband – Sarah spoke to him on the phone, he knows that much – a glance; the children are busy already inventing a new play, with Robbie’s little sister being offered a central role as well.

With a few steps, he’s in front of Dean.

His brother swallows before he croaks out, “Heya, Sammy.”

He can’t help but chuckle – it’s such a Dean thing to say.

His husband (husband. Dean has a husband. Dean is married. Dean has children, Dean has a house - ) moves forward, holding out his hand.

“Hello, Sam. I’m Cas, Dean’s husband. I’m glad to finally meet you.”

He gently grasps the offered hand, still unable to say a word.

It’s at this moment that his daughter intervenes, having overheard their introduction.

“Mr. Novak is named after an angel, Daddy!”

“Oh?” he asks. Cas smiles.

“Yes. Castiel, the angel of Thursday. For some reasons, children always love that.”

“That’s because you’re an actual angel, sweetheart” Dean tells him with a cheeky grin Sam recognizes.

Figures Dean would take time to flirt with his own husband at such a moment as this.

And yet somehow, it puts him at ease. It’s so much like the brother he remembers – the brother who fed him and looked after him and loved him unconditionally and was loved as ardently in return, even if they bother were not good at loving then.

He clears his throat.

“Dean – I – can we talk?”

“I’ll look after the children” Cas says immediately and Dean draws him into a gentle kiss before leading Sam into the house.

From what he can see, it’s airy and comfortable, if a bit messy. Just what he would have expected Dean’s home to look like.

Dean’s _home_.

Of course he eventually settled down. It’s been twenty years.

But what are the chances of them both having returned to Lawrence and of their children ending up as best friends?

“Want a beer?”

“Yes, please” he answers immediately. Dean disappears in the kitchen and returns a minute later. They sit down on the sofa and eye each other.

“I should have known” Dean finally breaks the silence. “Robbie keeps going on about how smart Deanna is – “

He realizes and stops. Sam looks at him.

“Yes” he confirms softly.

“Seriously? You named your daughter after our grandmother?”

OF course Dean would think that. He rolls his eyes, “No, _Dean_ , I didn’t.”

“Oh” he says when the penny finally drops.

“Yeah”.

“That’s – God, I don’t even know what to say”. He groans. “All those times I thought about searching for you, and now I’ve got nothing.”

“Me either.”

Suddenly, as if a spell has been broken, they are laughing.

“So” Sam begins once they’ve calmed down. “Robbie. Bobby, I assume?”

Dean nods. “He’s in for a surprise.”

“He’s still around?” he inquires, somewhat taken aback but happy to hear the news.

“Lives down the street. The kids call him Grandpa.”

“Good” he says immediately. He didn’t know Bobby and Dean kept in touch. Then again, it’s not like he kept in touch with Bobby.

“I looked for you” Sam admits. “It just never entered my mind that you would change your name.”

Dean shrugs. “It seemed to fit. New life, new name, you know? And God knows I was an idiot about this whole thing to begin with, so I figured it would show Cas I meant to stick around.”

“You obviously did.”

Dean laughs, loud and happy.

“Best decision of my life.”

There’s a story here, Sam knows. Hell, there are a million stories here, twenty years full of stories, and they may well need another twenty to get through them all.

But, and that’s the important part, they have time.

Yes, he thinks to himself later that evening, Sarah having joined them with their little boy and Dean laughing beside him, holding his husband’s hand, they have all the time in the world.


	57. Sunday Morning

Sunday mornings used to be the worst, or at least the second worst after Monday mornings. His head hurt, more often than not he threw up, and he mostly spent the rest of his weekend in front of the tv, watching Doctor Sexy and wanting to die.

If he didn’t wake up in some stranger’s apartment and had to quickly make his way back to his place to do all of that first.

It has been over two years since then, though.

Once again, he is woken up by the sun shining in his face, but he only turns around and burrows into the warmth of the person sleeping next to him, too content to get up and close the curtains.

“Morning” Cas mumbled against his chest.

“Too early” Dean protests.

“You always say that”. A gentle kiss is pressed on his cheek, another on his neck.

He chuckles.

“Dean…” Cas’ hands travel slowly down his body, but as they reach his stomach, a loud grumble is heard.

His boyfriend sighs as Dean asks, his eyes still closed, “What about breakfast?”

“The amount of food you require is, frankly, astounding.”

“It’s supposed to be the healthiest meal of the day, Cas” he reminds him, finally cracking one eye open, only to see him roll his.

“Fine”. Cas kisses him and gets up. Dean watches him leave the room, something he refused to call love for a long time making it hard to breathe for a moment.

This – all of this – began like so many of his Sundays before, with a simple one night stand.

Only that there was nothing simple about it, because for the first time in a long time, Dean woke up in an empty bed after having got lucky the evening before.

He always woke up first. Always. So he could sneak out and spare him and his partner, whoever they may be, the awkwardness. And Dean Winchester didn’t do awkward.

Until now, apparently, because Cas was making breakfast in his kitchen. And his apartment was too small for Dean to sneak out without him noticing. So he took a deep breath and just went in, wearing his clothes from last night.

Cas turned around when he heard his footsteps and smiled at him “Hello, Dean.”

“Morning, Cas”.

“How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good, actually” he answered to his own surprise. He didn’t even have a headache. Then again, thinking about it this was hardly surprising. He’d had – what – two beers last night and had switched over to water when Cas had done it?

He didn’t think he’d followed a guy home that sober before.

“I hope you like pancakes” Cas supplied. Dean grinned.

“Are you kidding? Love them”.

“Good” was all Cas said, his eyes sparkling.

And it was then that Dean remembered he’d never spent so much talking before sealing the deal before.

He knew that the guy’s favourite animals were guinea pigs, for crying out loud.

So he sat down. Nothing wrong with a friendly breakfast, right?

How that led to him spending the next Saturday night in Cas’ apartment, he’ll never really be able to explain.

But he’s certainly glad it happened when he realizes Cas is making pancakes again.

He steps up to him and hugs him from behind.

“Happy Anniversary” Cas says.


	58. Queer Or Not

Sam was the only one who saw it coming.

And no, he will later explain countless times, it wasn’t because of Dean’s “caring nature”. It wasn’t because he was “subservient” or because he “actually wanted alphas” (the last two aren’t even true).

It was just because he knew, felt instinctively that his almost 40-year-old brother wasn’t _happy_.

Oh, Dean was perfectly content, he knew that; now and then picking up omegas at bars, playing with his niece, having them over for dinner. But he wasn’t happy. He didn’t feel right in his own skin.

Sam knew. Sam had always known.

So when Dean comes to him and says, “There’s something I have to tell you” he only needs to shoot Sarah a glance to ensure his mate and child leave them alone for the moment.

He’s still surprised at what exactly his brother needs to tell him, though.

Dean is silent for a few moments, then he blurts out, “I’m an omega”.

It takes him a few seconds to catch on. Even when they were kids, it was clear they would both present as alphas, and Dean especially has always fit every cliché (perhaps a bit too well, he will later think guiltily.)

“You mean you… identify as an omega?”

Dean, looking away, nods miserably.

“Alright” he says simply.

By Dean’s startled glance, he knows he reacted the right way.

Naturally, they talk about this often after that night, sometimes joined by Sarah.

Dean has been in therapy for a little over a year at that point, although he kept it a secret. Sam understands. It must have been difficult to come to terms with, especially since Dad keeps hounding him to “settle down” and “find a nice omega like Sam.”

“That’s another thing” Dean confessed to him late one night. “How can I expect an omega to accept that I’m – well that I’m an omega too but that – I’m actually an alpha?”

“You’re not actually an alpha” Sam says gently. “You identify as an omega, so you are on omega.”

Dean sighs. “I know. It’s just… difficult to remember”. He picks at the label of his beer bottle. “I guess I’ll – get used to it. Especially after…” he gestures towards his lap. “You know…”

“You want to transition?” Sam asks. Until now, Dean hasn’t mentioned the topic, and Sam, who decided early on with his mate that it was best to leave him to broach transition and whether or not he’s considering it, didn’t push it.

Dean nods. He looks determined. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I know some do it, some don’t, and I want to”.

“I see – “

“Plus, I know some things are out of the question, but at least I’ll be able to produce slick and that has to be useful for something”. He wriggles his eyebrows.

“Ugh, Dean. Gross.”

They laugh together just like old times then, and he is certain his big brother knows exactly what is right for him.

Telling Dad is difficult. Being an omega still means only one thing to him, despite Sarah’s patient and frankly amazing efforts at making him change his ways, and he immediately asks, “What? Do you want to fuck a knot, Dean, is that it?”

“No, Dad” his brother explains patiently. “Sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender – “

“Oh, so you’re a faggot now?”

Dean stiffens for a moment at the word, Sam ready to intervene, then draws himself up to his full height and announces, “Yes I am.”

They don’t speak for a few months after that, but Dad comes to see Dean in hospital after his knot is removed.

Dean continues with his therapy, and the day Sam can finally smell the omega on him, there are tears in his eyes.

Of course there are setbacks, of course there are those who don’t accept him – although Sam never really liked Gordon anyway, so it is rather nice to watch Benny throw him out of his café – but still, Dean becomes more… grounded. Self-assured.

Happy.

Sam is well aware that he doesn’t really expect to find a partner though, not even with Charlie, who’s eager to make him “feel welcome to the family” as she expresses it.

That changes when he meets Cas in the library, of all places. The happy, bee-loving omega has no problems as seeing Dean as one, not from the very first second their eyes meet; Sarah, who happens to accompany Dean with Mary, describes it as “magic”.

Sam comes to agree with her; in fact, years later, when their grandchildren are playing together, he will remember the exact moment he realizes Cas was it for Dean.

Dean has just dressed down an aggressive alpha waiter in a restaurant who apparently thinks omega couples aren’t worthy of prompt service. As he leaves, an utterly defeated look on his face, Cas tugs Dean over so he can press a kiss against his neck and whisper, “My omega”.

Sam has never seen Dean smile so brightly.


	59. The Picture

No one was ever supposed to see the picture. Well, apart from the one night stands he took into his bed on occasion. But they didn’t matter. None of them had ever commented on the image of the striking dark-haired man.

And even if they had, he’d have a good explanation. Cas was after all his best friend. Had been for years.

Dean knew it was a lame reason. Truth was, he’d never been able to come up with a better lie.

And one that was so pathetically obvious, too. Who put a picture of their best friend right next to their bed, for God’s sake?

Still, it was the one small thing he allowed himself, the one small way in which he pretended that the stupid feelings he’d had for over twenty years were requited at all, that Cas wasn’t living with Balthazar but woke up with Dean every morning.

He didn’t even hate Balthazar. He’d always known Cas would eventually settle down with someone who deserved him. They weren’t married yet, but they might as well have been.

It was what he’d always wanted for Cas. Someone who could appreciate him, take care of him. Which was  why, when he had looked at his best friend when they had been 16 and seen everything he could ever want, he’d known at the same time that he could never tell him.

Cas could never feel the same way. It would only have cost him the best friend he had ever made in his life.

So he soldiered on, looking after Sammy, cleaning up after Dad, eventually dropping out of school to work full-time.

Cas had stood by him through it all, and he had always supported him as well. Through college, through heartbreak, through everything.

He knew he meant a lot to Cas. Hell, the guy had declined on offer from Stanford in order to teach at KU, and it had undoubtedly been partly so he could stay near Dean.

They saw each other pretty much every day, Cas was as much part of Dean’s family as Sammy, Sarah and little Mary.

It was enough because it had to be.

He could easily live with the unrequited thing. Sure, it sucked in a way, but he’d never had any hope to begin with, so he was aware he had the best life he could have.

The most important thing though was that _nobody knew._

He’d always had the feeling that Sam suspected something, but they never talked about it, so Dean got to ignore it.

Easy as pie, really.

Until today.

He already almost had a heart attack when Balthazar called him and told him Cas had had a car accident. He’d raced to the hospital at a speed that made it a miracle he hadn’t ended up there himself.

He was painfully aware that, after he’d learned Cas was going to be okay, he’d gathered him a hug that had seemed a little too friendly, even for people as close as they were.

While Balthazar looked on, nonetheless.

But that wasn’t the worst that had happened. Oh no, the worst was that when they were told Cas would have to stay the night, Dean wasn’t ready to leave just let so he gave Balthazar his keys to gte the duffle bag Cas kept at his apartment.

Why did the damn hospital have to be so close to Dean’s place anyway?

He had no problem with Balthazar going there.

No, as he only remembered when it was too late, he had a problem with the duffle bag being in the closet in his bedroom.

_Where the picture was._

He had seen the knowledge in Balthazar’s eyes as he had returned, and made the quickest possible exit.

And now he was sitting on his couch, freaking out.

Had Balthazar told him? Were they laughing about him now?

No. Cas was too kind, too good for that. He’d make Dean talk about it, and then their friendship would be over.

There were no calls, no texts that day, nor the next.

He had dinner at Sam’s. He didn’t answer any questions he or Sarah asked and played with Mary instead.

He didn’t expect Cas to wait for him on the same couch he’d been pining on, but he was, still a little banged up, but otherwise alright.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Cas” he forced out.

The door to the bedroom stood open.

“How long?” Cas asked quietly.

“A while” he replied, looking at Cas. Cas looked back.

“Since school” he finally admitted.

“Dean”. Cas sounded disappointed, as he’d always known he would. He closed his eyes and turned around.

He hadn’t expected the rejection to sting, but by God it did.

“Sorry. Just – go. Please, Cas – “

Gentle hands on his shoulders forced him to turn around, but he kept his eyes stubbornly on the floor.

“Dean…”

To his surprise, Cas gently cradled his cheek in one hand and forced him to look up. Dean didn’t have the time to read his expression before he was drawn into a kiss.

“We could have had this all this time” Cas whispered against his lips, “But “better late than never” as Aunt Naomi would say.”

“But – but – “ Dean swallowed. “Balthazar – “

“We talked. I confessed I was in love with you. He told me that in a way, he’d always known.”

He kissed Dean again.

“He’ll move. Just – please – tell me we can have this. Please.”

Somehow, Dean, still more confused than happy, managed to say yes between kisses.

A few months later, the picture on his nightstand changed for the first time in years.

The new one was taken on their honeymoon.  


	60. Casual Courting

It’s all very… mundane, really.

There’s no reason why it happens on that particular evening. They have done this a thousand times, watched a thousand movies, ordered a thousand take-outs, and now…

By now, even Sam has given up on the sly comments and the knowing glances.

They have been best friends for over twenty years, after all.

And yet today is the day that everything changes.

And nothing changes.

It would probably be complicated if Dean took the time to think about it, but when did he ever do that?

It’s past eleven pm. Cas has already slipped into one sleeve of his trench coat when he catches Dean’s eyes.

Stops.

And says “I don’t want to leave”.

Dean could answer “No problem man, you know you’re always welcome to use the guest room” as he has done so often before.

But this time Cas’ statement has a different meaning, and Dean knows it too.

And he feels the same.

So he just turns around and walks, Cas following him.

They don’t touch until they reach his bedroom, and they kiss gently, chastely at first as if they have done it for years.

What follows is the best sex Dean has ever had, and he knows he’ll never let this one go.

Not that he’ll have to; Cas makes that very clear by cuddling him the whole night and just flipping him over the next morning for a repeat performance.

Nothing changes, even though everything should change. They are still best friends, they still attend parties and buy presents together, they’re only dating now.

Maybe it’s logical that they just forget to tell people. For them it’s so clear, so final, so perfect that they simply don’t think about revealing their new relationship. They have always been attached at the hips anyway.

They only realize much later, though. First of all there are more important things to consider.

One month in, after they’ve stopped panting, Cas asks, “Should we buy a house?”

Dean shrugs. “Yeah, why not. More space.”

It figures that their family and friends take the news somewhat differently.

“You are _buying a house_ together?” Sam demands as soon as Dean tells him.

“Yeah, no point in living apart when we spend so much time together anyway.”

“Only you two” Sam grumbles. Dean thinks he probably believes it’s too soon to talk about moving in and owning a property together, but really, after twenty years what doesn’t he know about this guy he just realized he kind of practically loves very much?

That reminds him.

That evening he makes Cas burgers and asks just as they are about to retire for some decidedly nude activities, “You know I love you, right?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions” Cas growls and yanks him back to kiss him passionately.

_Okay then._

They’re lucky when it comes to looking for a house, and three months later they’re comfortably settled in.

During their house warming party Charlie corners Dean.

“Congrats, handmaiden.”

“Thank you my queen” he answers automatically. Her eyes narrow.

“I sure never thought you were the _settling down_ type” she says pointedly. “I never figured you’d want to _spend your life_ with someone.”

“Times change” he says, getting them both another beer; Charlie grabs the bottle, looks at him, shakes her head and stalks off, grumbling about “daft idiots” under her breath.

Dean assumes she’s talking about one of her ships. Wouldn’t be the first time.

About two weeks later, Cas tells him about the teacher’s conference in Las Vegas. Dean of course agrees to go with him; he has enough vacation days piled up anyway.

Since it’s Vegas, they come across a chapel on one of Cas’ afternoons off. He doesn’t even really ask; he takes Dean’s hand, says, “I love you, Dean Winchester, marry me” and steps towards it.

That night they celebrate with expensive room service and sex loud enough to wake up the neighbours three doors over.

They purchase the rings a few weeks later because Dean wants to find really badass ones (they’re going to wear them forever after all, and he’s not about to pass on something tacky to the next generation), and Cas obliges him.

It’s only then that Sam catches on. It’s not Dean’s fault though – he never realized no one got it.

“Dean? Why are you wearing a wedding ring?”

He looks up from the contract about the garage he wants to open.

“Because I’m married?” he asks.

Sam snorts. “Yeah right. When did you get married? And to whom?”

He rolls his eyes. “Vegas. I know, I know, no big wedding, but we’re both not into this kind of thing, and Cas said – “

“You married Cas.”

“Yeah, you had a better idea?”

“Don’t you think this is going a little too far?”

Dean blinks slowly.

“Okay, I will admit we haven’t been together for long, but come on, Sammy – “

“You were _dating_?”

And that is how they learn Sam never figured out he had a prospective brother-in-law.

“I still can’t believe it” Dean complains, not even really annoyed anymore because Cas is busy nibbling his neck, “how can he not – “

The doorbell rings.

And as Charlie starts screaming and tackles both of them, they are about to learn that apparently their relationship has been far less obvious than either of them realized.


	61. Congratulations

Dean wakes up feeling remarkably comfortable for the hangover he’s just beginning to realize he has.

Damn it. Apparently Sammy’s birthday party was a bigger deal than he thought it would be.

A warm body moves next to him, grumbles.

 _Cas_.

Of course.

It’s not even the first time his best friend has crashed in his bed. Still, as always when it happens, he cracks an eye open and checks that they are both dressed.

He’ll never let Cas know that – he’ll never tell him, but he knows his drunk self can’t be trusted.

Thankfully they’re wearing boxers, and he breathes a sigh of relief.

He’d probably remember that, no matter how drunk he was, but it’s nice to be certain.

He gets up and manages to find aspirin and two glasses he quickly fills with much-needed water. When he catches his reflection in the kitchen window, he stops and stares. There are hickeys all over his neck and torso.

_Please not one of Sarah’s clean-cut friends. She’d never forgive me._

Dean shrugs and dismisses the thought because his head hurts too much. He takes the aspirin and places one glass of water plus several pills on the nightstand next to Cas, who is still dead to the world. He could go sleep on the couch but really, he knows Cas won’t mind, so he lies back down to rest a bit longer.

He wakes up to the smell of bacon and makes his way to the kitchen where Cas is cooking breakfast. His headache is thankfully only a faint memory at this point.

Remembering the hickeys at the last moment, he sprints back into the bedroom to get a clean shirt. He doesn’t need to be made fun of after a hangover, thank you very much.

“Morning”.

“Hello Dean. Thank you for the aspirin.”

“No problem, man. When did you get up?”

“About fifteen minutes ago. I remember waking up and taking two aspirin, but I don’t remember when.”

Dean chuckles. “Fun night”.

Cas gives him a half-hearted glare.

“You were the one who decided to bet Jo you could drink her under the table.”

“You didn’t have to join me.”

“Someone had to make sure you didn’t end up with alcohol poisoning” Cas mumbles, concentrating on their breakfast once more.

It’s only then that Dean realizes he’s wearing one of his shirts. Fair enough. At this point, he’s rather sure that at least four AC/DC and one Led Zeppelin shirt are still lying around at Cas’ place.

They eat in silence, still a little tired. The silence between them is not uncomfortable, not after years of friendship –

And then Cas _moves_ and Dean gets a glimpse of his collar bone – not that he’s looking, but still –

There’s a hickey there.

_Who did Cas make out with? Please don’t let it be Meg, not again, I’ll have to call Sammy as soon as –_

His text alert rang out.

Maybe it was Charlie going on about the party; that would help –

_Why does the good stuff always happen after I leave? Congratulations man, it’s about time.  
Aaron._

What the hell? Aaron did leave early because his grandfather came to visit him today and he had to pick him up from the airport. But what is supposed to have happened then? Did he mean the hickeys? But there wasn’t any girl at the party he was desperate to hook up with. Certainly no one Aaron would congratulate him on having made out with. But what else could it be?

“What is it?” Cas asks. Dean shows him the text. He frowns.

“I don’t recall –“

“Me either, but I have to admit the end of the evening is a little hazy” Cas says.

“You can say that again. Did Charlie push us into a cab?”

Cas tilts his head, making him look far cuter than he has a right to be. Dean can feel himself blush and he quickly looks away.

“I’m rather sure it was Sarah”.

“Probably” he admits. “Charlie was pretty drunk too”.

Dean grins. “Remember when she and Dorothy got handsy?”

Cas rolls his eyes. “Of course you remember _that_.”

They spend the better part of the next hour bickering.

Their tight-knit group promised each other yesterday after a few drinks that they would have dinner at the Roadhouse to proof they survived.

Sam and Sraah are already waiting when they arrive after a long Sunday afternoon of Doctor Sexy reruns and Dean not stressing out about who Cas gave some mouth-to-mouth to at all.

“Cas! Dean!” Sam is grinning from ear to ear. He draws them both into a hug, and before Dean can wonder what brought on this euphoria, Sarah does the same, whispering in his ear, “Good for you. About time too!”

Now he’s completely lost.

Especially because it _keeps happening_.

Charlie, Dorothy, Benny, Garth –

And it’s not just him they are congratulating. Hugs, kisses, hell, even Dorothy who they haven’t known that long says “Well off to the next celebration!”

Dean wouldn’t ask, but Cas naturally can’t leave things well enough alone.

“I’m sorry, but there seems to have been a… misunderstanding of sorts. Why is everyone congratulating me and Dean? Aaron sent Dean a text too”.

“I called him this morning…” Sam mumbles before frowning.

“What do you mean why are we congratulating you?”

“What do you think we mean?” Dean snaps. “We wake up after your party and suddenly everyone starts to tell us – “

“You don’t remember?” Sarah interrupts him, looking from him to Cas and back again at the same time that Charlie lets out a disappointed squeal.

“Remember what?”

But even as he asks, some images begin to resurface and suddenly, he fills as ill as he did when he first woke up this morning.

_“Caaaaaaaaaaaas did I ever tell you I love you?” he lulls because right now Cas looks freaking beautiful and he can’t recall why he never told him._

_“No, but it’s okay” Cas replies, swaying from side to side, “you don’t love me the way I do you either way.”_

_“What’s that mean?” he slurs._

_“Means I wanna marry you” Cas says miserably._

_“But I wanna marry you too! Why aren’t we married Cas?”_

_His friend blinks._

_“I think we would have to… kiss and stuff” he supplies, tilting his head._

_“Then we should” Dean decides and grabs Cas to kiss him. He responds enthusiastically._

_He thinks he hears cat calls in the background but who freaking cares? This is awesome. They should have done this years ago._

He returns to the present and can see that Cas is remembering too. He blushes and looks away, ready for the denial that’s sure to come.

Instead, Cas takes his hand, and, when he turns to him in astonishment, kisses him like he’s beginning to remember he did in his bedroom last night (so that’s where their hickeys come from. Good to know).

Cas gently breaks the kiss.

“Do you want – “ he whispers.

“Yes” he says, without caring what he’s actually agreeing with as long as this continues.

It does, but not before Cas announces to their shocked family and friends “We are engaged”.


	62. Symmetry

“Okay, Winchester. It is September 18. I have waited long enough. So what’s the big secret?”

It has been difficult to keep this from Charlie, mostly because their bubbly IT expert will not bear being kept out of anything. However, Sam somehow managed to not tell her what her brother has planend for today.

He sighs and looks down at his salad even as he can’t keep the smile of his face.

“It’s September 18”.

“So?”

“It’s Dean’s and Cas’ anniversary”.

She rolls her eyes. “You really think I would forget something like that?”

Probably not. No one who saw what happened that day will ever forget it, Sam’s ready to bet.

Their firm had sponsored an exhibition of local artists, and Dean, who had recently made an effort to come more “out of his shell” as he explained it to his brother (and, as Charlie quipped, “More out of the closet of forced manly expectations!”), went with him and Sarah because “you know I’m kind of into this artsy shit, Sam.”

And then it happened.

Dean was geeking out over some pictures claiming that the photographer “really knew his stuff, look at the angle of that lightning – “ when someone cleared their throat behind them and he and Sam simultaneously turned around to find who else but the photographer – Cas.

And then – magic.

That’s the only way Sam can describe it, and he was closest to them that evening. Sure, he’d heard about love at first sight before, and he and Sarah had almost fallen for each other immediately, when they met, but this –

This was nothing short of a _coup de foudre_.

True, the sparks might have had something to do with one of the overhead lights suddenly deciding to explode that very second (weirdly enough without causing any other trouble) but looking back he can’t even say if Dean and Cas noticed.

His brother was staring at Cas as if he’d just told him there was a free pie and burger diner down the street, and Cas was answering with a gaze as intense as if someone had just stabbed him right in the chest.

And the rest is history. They didn’t even make it for an hour talking in a corner as if they had known each other all their lives before disappearing, Dean only calling Sam two days later.

_Sammy, I know it sounds crazy, but I think he’s the one._

Eight years later, there’s little reason to think he was wrong.

Well, maybe except for one thing, but Dean’s about to remedy that oversight.

“Dean’s going to ask Cas to marry him” he admits. “He’s got it all planned out; he’ll pick him up from his studio in an hour, they’ll go to a bee farm, later – “

He doesn’t get to continue because Charlie starts laughing and doesn’t stop.

“Charlie?”

She’s wiping her eyes.

“This is priceless. I can’t believe it – “

And she starts giggling all over again.

“Char – “

“I’m just imagining the look on their faces when they’re trying to make their plans fit together – “

“Their?”

“Cas is going to propose to Dean today”.

Five minutes later, they are getting concerned looks from all over the cafeteria, but at least they’re finally calming down.

“And to think I’ve had to listen Dean agonize about this for _months_ – “

“What if he says no Charlie?” his friend imitates Cas’ baritone. “Seriously, as if this could possibly happen – “

“Maybe he’s happy with the way things are now! Maybe he doesn’t want to get married! Maybe I’m not enough!” Sam shakes his head.

“One would think they’d get the hint they’re crazy about each other.”

“Trust me, I’ve tried. Cas had another panic attack two days ago.”

“Yesterday” Sam tells her. “I calmed Dean down on the phone for an hour”.

She shakes her head.

“Let’s just hope for minimal drama”.

Sam can only agree.

True, “minimal” might not be the best way to describe it, since Cas barges right into his office two hours later (as it turns out, Dean is giving Charlie the same treatment).

“You knew, Sam?”

“Of course I did.” He eyes the ring on Cas’ finger. Dean has been working on it for months, and it truly shows.

“So how was it?” he asks his flushed soon-to-be brother-in-law just as the door opens and a giggling Charlie is pushed in by Dean.

“So you’re helping my fiancé make plans now, hm?”

“They didn’t work out, apparently” she wheezes, trying not to burst into laughter once more, “you were supposed to get engaged to night after the perfect date.”

“We were bickering where to go” Dean confesses, catching Cas’ eyes and grinning in spite of himself, “and then I just blurted it out”.

They seem to realize what they’re missing out on and a second later Cas is dragging Dean out of the office, a heated look in his eyes.

Charlie winks at Sam.

“So worth it”.

He can only agree.

**Ten years later**

“Uncle Sam, uncle Sam, I know a secret!”

“Oh?” he asks, looking at his five-year-old nephew jumping around, as always taking him seriously.

“Yeah! Bobby exclaims, green eyes sparkling. “Mary’s too little, but Papa told me! He’s gonna surprise Daddy with a holiday and we’re gonna go to Venice ‘cause there’s this island where people manu – manu – make glass and Daddy is really interested in making even more cool stuff!”

“That’s… really cool, buddy” he says slowly, avoiding Sarah’s and Charlie’s eyes.”

“No way” Charlie says as soon as Bobby has skipped away to play with his cousins.

Sam shakes his head.

“Paris, so Cas can take the pictures of the Eiffel tower he always dreamed of…”

At this moment, they are interrupted by Dean shouting inside the house, “Son of a bitch, _not again_ – “

Since they hear nothing more after that, they come to the conclusion that they both appreciate their anniversary gifts though.

Better keep the children outside for a while.


	63. As Luck Would Have It

One the one hand, great.

No, seriously.

Dean touched a rabbit foot’s accidentally and has actually managed to hold onto the damn thing until now – they need to do the ritual on a cemetery so have to wait until nightfall – and this time around they actually had the good sense to attach it to a leather band his brother can wear around his neck.

So Sam’s not overly worried; however he doesn’t know if he can take another second of this.

When he had the luck, they won money and free meals and he suspects he could easily have “got lucky” as Dean would have described it.

But the thing is he wasn’t – interested in anyone then.

And Dean, whether he admits it or not, is. Very much.

Ever since Cas became human again (and, as he keeps assuring them, once and for all) he and Dean have been dancing around being something more than friends. They bicker like an old married couple, share a room on hunts, and Sam is convinced they’ve already slept in the same bed more than once because they were talking late into the night and just fell asleep.

And yet they’re not together yet.                                              

He has no idea why. Cas couldn’t care less about being part of a gay couple as long as he can be with Dean, so much is clear; and Dean –

Alright, that is a little more complicated. Dean never did anything, sure, but Sam has known for years that he’s bisexual. It’s no big deal.

Maybe it is for his brother?

At least that’s what he thought until today.

Because turns out, nope, it’s not about Dean having a gay freak out, or him and Cas always ending up at the wrong place in the wrong time.

No.

Dean is just a freaking coward, apparently.

Because the whole day all the rabbit’s foot has done is making him win coupons for dinner for two; for bowling for two; for a freaking couple’s retreat; and he’s blushed and mumbled something inaudible every time, not without glancing at Cas, of course.

Who has developed the habit of constantly bumping into Dean, falling into his lap, and getting pushed into his personal space by people running into him.

The rabbit’s foot isn’t exactly subtle.

Right now, for example, Cas is lying atop of Dean in the park because a teenager’s dog escaped and knocked him down before his owner retrieved him, leading to Dean catching him but stumbling in the process and the two doing a very graceless imitation of a swan dive.

“Sammy, that’s not funny”.

He can’t help it, he can’t stop. Dean’s beet red and Cas – okay, he actually looks a little too comfortable. That’s not a visual Sam is keen on.

“Maybe the rabbit’s foot is trying to tell you something?” he finally manages to say.

“Like what?” Dean asks, finally getting up and dragging Cas back to his feet.

Sam is tempted to say something, and apparently so is Cas (finally) when they are interrupted by a woman exclaiming, “You’re such a cute couple!”

For once, the foot has the wrong timing.

Sam is starting to think they are doomed.

Cas, of course, has been keeping a very close eye on the rabbit’s foot, which means standing even closer to Dean than usual, his brother hasn’t even said anything and yet still nothing is happening.

Sam will go mad if they return to pretending there’s nothing between them after this.

But he stands by and watches as Dean keeps ignoring the hints piling up.

The next thing he wins is an hour of couple’s yoga for free, for crying out loud.

He notices that Cas pockets the coupon, but he’s very obviously interested in a relationship anyway, so what’s the use?

And then the miracle occurs.

If he didn’t know it was dead, he’d have thought Gabriel was behind it.

They are performing the ritual when Gary, another hunter who has been following them for a few weeks, complaining that they “steal his thunder”, whatever that is supposed to mean, pops up and demands the “good luck charm.”

“Not that I don’t want to get rid of it, buddy, but I don’t think you’d like it” Dean answers and Gary pulls the trigger.

His gun jams.

But before Dean and Cas can realize that, the former angel has already jumped in front of Dean, prompting his brother to try and push him to safety, resulting in a weird little waltz during which they don’t pay attention to anyone else.

Thankfully, it’s baffling enough that Sam can knock Gary unconscious while – surprise – Dean topples over a headstone and Cas again lands on top of him on the ground.

“Cas you – “

“You are a very frustrating man, Dean Winchester” Cas says at the same time.

Sam quickly snatches the foot from Dean’s neck and performs the ritual, only to realize that those were pretty much the last things he heard them say and that they haven’t got up yet.

And they fell – what, five minutes ago?

“Guys, are you – “

Until he steps forward, the headstone Dean fell over kept him from seeing their upper bodies.

Turns out they’re too busy making out to get up.

“Guys? Here? Guys, are you serious – Guys!”

Two days later, he gets his revenge when Cas actually drags Dean to the hour of couple’s yoga and he can laugh at his brother.


	64. Surprise

 

Dean Winchester’s is his brother’s lawyer’s brother.

Dean Winchester is a mechanic.

Dean Winchester is a very handsome man.

And, first and foremost, Dean Winchester is an enigma.

He’s Sam Winchester’s brother. Sam happens to be Gabriel’s go-to attorney when he finds himself in trouble again.

Naturally, something of a friendship sprung up between him and Cas once they had seen each other often enough. These days, they often meet without Gabriel having to provide a reason.

It still feels new to form an effortless friendship.

He would also like to think of his relationship with Dean that way, only that – well –

He’s not attracted to Sam. He’s not in danger of _falling in love_ with Sam.

But Dean –

His laughter, his smile, his passion for the things he loves, his kindness –

Yes. Cas could easily see himself falling for Dean Winchester.

But he has no idea if Dean feels the same. Sometimes, there will be a moment when they are just quietly sitting together, and Dean will move closer or glance at him and he will think…

But then a second later he will shake his head slightly and move away, and Cas is left to wonder if he imagined the desire in his eyes.

Yet it’s not just his confusion that makes Dean Winchester such a mystifying man, of course. No, it’s how he acts in other situations, too.

Sometimes, he’ll jump right into the discussions Sam and Cas are having, and it never fails to strike him just how smart he is. Despite having received no formal training in law, he is quick to point out that certain witnesses have to be lying in this case, or wasn’t there a specific rule for that kind of thing, Sam, didn’t you tell me at one point?

And yet always, inevitably, he’ll draw back, make a self-deprecating joke and go back to talk about sports and cars.

Which is especially weird because he quoted Bukowski and Vonnegut just the other day.

Sam seems used to this kind of behaviour, to the point where he doesn’t even notice anymore; but Castiel can’t help but think that there is so much more to Dean Winchester than he lets on.

He finds out just how much one day when Dean is waiting in the lobby for his brother so they can get lunch – while Castiel decided to accompany Gabriel to his lawyer once more, since he figures he’s entitled to after posting bail. Again.

Dean is reading a magazine in the lounge. Cas has a strange feeling about that, even though he can’t really put his finger at what’s wrong; he just seems so… tense while perusing the page.

He looks up when the door opens and grins at them, though, relaxing immediately.

“Hey Cas, Gabe”. His eyes widen.

“What did he do this time?”

“He – “ Cas begins, only to be interrupted by his brother.

“I didn’t do anything!”

Dean snorts. “Right, and those scratches on your wrist totally don’t show that you were handcuffed and fought against it.”

Cas doesn’t think many people would have noticed the small bruises Gabriel “got as a souvenir” as he cheerfully put it.

“It’s not my fault! Cops have no sense of humour!”

Cas rolls his eyes.

“You were jumping up and down Darkrose Boulevard, giving free candy to children and spraying everyone with glitter. Including the police man who wanted to know what you were doing.”

“It was free candy! Everyone loves free candy!”

“Not when it means they’re going to spend their day covered in glitter” Cas remarks drily, and Dean laughs. His eyes are sparkling, and when they met his, Dean’s tongue makes a quick appearance, licking his lower lip.

Cas swallows.

“Oh no, I might have got arrested but no one said I have to watch your eye sex!” Gabriel whines and immediately Dean looks away, his expression falling for a reason Cas can’t understand.

“I was waiting for Sam so we could have lunch, but I’m guessing you need immediate assistance?”

“Actually” Gabriel chimes in happily, “I think I can handle Sam perfectly on my own”. He wriggles his eyebrows as he says it, and Cas manages to hold back a sigh.

“So why don’t you take my baby bro out instead?” he continues. Dean stares at him for a second before shaking his head, and saying, “Sure. If you want, Cas.”

The truth is, he wants nothing more than to have lunch with Dean – except for a lunch _date_ with Dean he won’t get.

Still, they are friends, and they spend enough time together as it is, so he agrees.

They go to a diner he already knows well, with all the time Gabriel spends in Sam’s office. To his surprise, they have changed the menu; he’s looking forward to the steak with mushroom sauce, though, he decides looking through the options.

And then he raises his hand to look at Dean and is surprised at what he finds.

Dean is frowning at the menu, biting his lips; he looks just as tense as he did when he read the magazine; however, when he realizes Cas is watching him, he forces himself to relax and says, “Guess I’ll go with the cheeseburger”.

Cas musters him, concerned. “Dean, is everything – “

They get interrupted by the waitress, and after they have ordered Dean asks, “How’s your new book going?”

Cas understands that he doesn’t want him to pry.

He’s describing the plot of the next novel in his series, against his strict rule never to tell anyone – but Dean Winchester does that to him.

“So Misha is under another angel’s control and tries to kill Jensen?” Dean’s eyes widen. They’ve long since finished their meals but are still talking, and Cas is certainly in no hurry to get away. He can’t remember the last time he had so much fun was.  

“Man, that is intense. Can’t wait for the audio book.”

“You don’t have to” he says immediately, glowing with Dean’s praise. “I can let you have a copy as soon as I send it off to the publisher…”

Immediately, Dean shuts down. He looks away, his shoulder drooping.

Cas tilts his hand and squints at him, waiting for an explanation.

“That – I won’t –“ He bites his lip.

“I can’t read well, okay?” he finally all but barks at Cas.

“What?”

“I – the words don’t look right, okay? It’s all scrambled and –“ he laughs, shakes his head. “Guess I’m too dumb to properly process words.”

Now he’s terribly confused. Dean is smart, he’s even planning to own his own garage one day, he practically raised his little brother –

“Dean, are you saying you are dyslexic?”

He blinks.

“No. I’m saying I’m stupid.” He fiddles with a clean napkin the waitress left at their table. “I mean, one of my teachers would have noticed, right? Or Dad – “

Cas has his opinions on the Winchesters’ upbringing, but he won’t mention them now.

Automatically he reaches for Dean’s hands, takes one.

“Dean” he says firmly. “You are not dumb. Dyslexia – or a learning disability, or anything else that could cause this, really – doesn’t mean you’re dumb.”

“But…” he tries to interject as Cas begins to stroke his palm with an audacity he wouldn’t have thought he possessed.

“Dean, you are very smart. You are a wonderful person. Just because you have trouble reading, doesn’t mean – “

“Will you go with me?” Dean blurts out, suddenly. “If I get tested for this dyslexia thing. There’s a test, right?”

“Yes” he says, squeezing his hand, “I will.”

“I – I don’t know if I can do this – “ Dean holds on tight to Cas’ hand in the waiting room.

“Of course you can” Cas says simply and Dean believes him.

Dean always believes him.

To be honest, he doesn’t really expect there to be anything wrong with him. He’s lived with thinking he’s just an idiot for too long. But apparently –

He has dyslexia.

He’s not dumb, he’s not stupid, he just has trouble reading.

That’s all.

And knowing this gives him the courage to do something he should have done ages ago, as it turns out this evening.

Because kissing Cas is _awesome_.

* * *

 

Here’s the thing: Sam isn’t even surprised that Dean likes guys too. He’s probably known longer than his brother has, anyway.

So, no, Dean having a fling with a guy doesn’t surprise him.

What surprises him is that it’s not a fling.

Dean’s going steady with a guy.

As of last week, he was happily single and had every intention of remaining so, had never even been in a relationship, and now –

Now he just casually mentioned “my boyfriend” in their conversation over dinner and is glaring daggers at Sam for some reason while he tries not to choke on his foot.

“Now, now” Sarah says, patting his back, “just because you’re taller than all of us combined doesn’t mean you shouldn’t chew your food.”

She’s obviously trying to defuse the situation.

“You know if it _disgusts_ you so much Sammy…” Dean begins, but doesn’t sound nearly as angry as his expression would imply.

Instead he sounds… sad? Resigned? Something like it.

And Sam realizes what this must look like.

“No – no Dean I would never – I don’t – you said _boyfriend_.”

“Yes” he confirms, looking slightly confused, “my boy-“

“You don’t do boyfriends. You don’t do girlfriends. Your favourite holiday is Valentine’s Day because it’s easy to pick up – “

“Yes, but that was the old me”.

“The old you a week ago?”

Dean’s feeling defensive now, he can tell, but he can’t stop. This isn’t like Dean at all, and he has to make sure that everything’s alright, that his brother isn’t running into something that will only hurt him in the end.

“Yeah, well, a week ago I wasn’t with him” Dean says.

“Who is it? You haven’t even told us a name.”

Dean blushes and looks down, fiddling his fingers.

“It’s Cas” he eventually says. “Castiel – “

“Novak? As in, the brother of my best client?”

Gabriel Novak, while in many ways an attorney’s dream – at least three long and lucrative cases a year – can be rather difficult to deal with, but at least he introduced Sam to his brother Castiel, who became one of his best friends and then eventually met Dean.

He knew that they hang out regularly, of course. Still, he would never have suspected –

Especially not since –

“The bestselling author? The guy who can talk about bees all day?”

Cas has four novels under his belt at this point, and Dean…

Sam doesn’t think he ever really finished a book. To be honest, he’s still surprised he ever graduated from high school. And despite Bobby’s misgivings, he’s always thought it was a good move of Dean’s to become a mechanic and do what he wanted instead of concentrating on college when he was never really interested in academia anyway.

How many degrees does Cas have again? Sam thinks two, but he isn’t sure.

He loves them both, but he can’t imagine how they fit. He was even surprised they got along as well as they did when he first introduced them.

Sarah kicks him under the table; he almost jumps up.

When he takes the time to study his brother closely, he knows why.

Dean’s poker face has always been pretty good. God alone knows how many games Sam lost because of it.

But this time –

He looks calm, but there’s this look in his eyes –

As if he’s absolutely devastated.

Sam feels like a jerk. No, scratch that. He _is_ a jerk.

“Dean, I didn’t mean – I – if you two like each other, it’s great. I just don’t want you to entangle yourself too quickly in case – “

“I break Cas’ heart?” Dean hisses. “Freaking likely, me leaving the guy who held my hand when I was waiting for my dyslexia test after he spent months talking me into it.”

“I don’t – dyslexia?” Sam is shocked into silence.

“Yeah, I – I wanted to read his books but you _know_ the words never look right to me –“

Sam didn’t know.

What follows are lengthy apologies that Dean seems to think he doesn’t deserve, Sarah making tea for them all because “we need to calm down” and the realization that the reason Dean has been smiling so much in the past few months is Cas, and Cas alone.

* * *

 “I can’t, Cas!” Dean explodes, throwing the book away, wincing when it hits the wall (it’s Cas first, after all).

“Yes you can” his boyfriend says calmly, continuing to stir their dinner.

“You know you can, and I know you can.”

“But I’m so slow…” he can’t help but whine. Even after months of trying, he’s still painfully slow.

Cas moves the pan from the fire and reaches out, drawing Dean close.

He kisses him gently. “You’ll get better” he says softly, “and then you can read to me.”

“It’s your book, you know it already” Dean mumbles, relaxing against him.

Cas smiles into his shoulder, not letting on what he has planned.

**One year later**

“’… What broke the connection?’” Jensen asked breathlessly” Dean reads aloud. Cas cuddles closer to him on the sofa.

“I swear to God Cas, if it isn’t –“

“Dean, you read my proofs so many times – “

“Ah” he kisses his head, “But you’re such a good writer angel, I worry every time.”

He rolls his eyes and kisses Dean’s neck.

“That’s unfair, you’re distracting me!”

“Go on” he says simply as they near the climax.

Dean clears his throat and continues, “’It could have broken’ the angel eventually pointed out, ‘because of the frankly rather corny idea of a novelist desperate to propose to the love of his life. I think he rewrote the ending and had it printed just so he could ask Dean to marry him.’”

The book glides from Dean’s fingers and falls down on the carpet. Cas doesn’t dare move away from him in case he doesn’t want to –

Gentle fingers push his chin up so he can look into Dean’s eyes.

“You want to marry me?” he asks, flabbergasted. Cas smiles.

“Who else would I ask?”

Dean shakes his head.

“You’re – “

“You haven’t answered yet” Cas interrupts him. “Should I kneel – “

Dean kisses him, pushing him back unto the sofa.

“Of course that’s a yes”.

Then he grins.

“Can’t wait to read the next book. It’s gonna be awesome”.

And as he leans down to kiss Cas again, the author loves, pulling him into his arms.


	65. The Music Box

He might be, as Cassie’s ex called him once, a “candy-binging dick”, but even though he loves to play pranks on his siblings, he’s something else as well: A freaking awesome brother.

And because freaking awesome brothers put the needs of their siblings before themselves, this mean he has to be sincere for once and figure out how to bring Cas and Dean back together.

Ah, what a tragic tale that was. Love at first sight gone wrong. They met a year ago in September, were living together by Christmas and separated by Easter.

Jimmy, the old worry wart, was more than happy to see Dean go. Because God knows there’s nothing worse than someone who can convince Cas to let his guard down and actually be happy and relaxed for once.

He never opened up about that fight. All he told them was that Dean had moved out.

Gabriel is the authority on the subject, since he’s been trying to get Cas to talk for months now.

But nope. Not even when he offered him his last piece of pie.

His own fault that didn’t work, though. He should have remembered that Cas hasn’t touched pie since Dean left.

Not that he’s absolutely sure Dean did the leaving. Cas can act rashly when he’s angry.

He’s rather partial to the theory that it was a joined effort to ruin the relationship. And that, if they just sat down and talked afterwards, they would still be together and happy.

But they aren’t, not since April, and yet Cas has still to regain the happy smile he wore constantly during their short relationship. Even Jimmy has come to see that he was much happier when Dean was around, no matter how much they butted heads.

Jimmy thinks that nothing can be done, however.

He was always boring.

Gabriel is sure they can somehow fix this. After all, creating messes and dealing with the aftermath is a hobby of his.

It’s kind of difficult though because not only does Cas never even mention Dean’s name, but said ex refuses to see any member of their family since Jimmy was dumb enough to show up at Sam Winchester’s house and make a scene about how he broke Cas’ heart.

Considering Jimmy can go a little crazy when he’s being overprotective, it was not the best course of action.

Gabriel has to find a better one, and soon, because Jimmy and Amelia have had no better idea to cheer him up than to turn his apartment into crazy Christmas Wonderland. Last year, when Dean and Cas celebrated their first Christmas together, the apartment was decorated simply but tastefully.

Gabriel can only imagine how Cas must suffer under so many good intentions.

In the end, it’s disgustingly easy.

It’s Christmas Eve, and the entire family is doing their best to cheer Cas up in his festive apartment, with his poor little brother trying to escape them at every turn.

He’s finishing another lollipop when he passes Cas’ paper bin.

He has no idea why he wants to go through his trash all of a sudden, but his impulses usually work out fine.

This one does.

There’s a crumpled-up piece of paper in there.

It’s a letter. Unsent, meant to be forgotten.

_Dear Dean,_

_This time last year, we sat down together under our very first Christmas tree. I had no idea what to get you, so I had bought a music box – one that played Led Zeppelin – and I will never forget the light in your eyes when you unpacked it. You drew me into a kiss and told me you’d “one-up” me this year._

_That’s not going to happen, but I wish to God it could. I wish I never said the things I did – you must know I never thought we would do better to be apart. But I also never thought you would_ agree _with me._

_God, Dean, how could we be so stupid? We had something good – we had the best._

_I have no idea how to fix this, fix us, but I’ll do anything –_

_Please, come ho-_

The letter breaks off without signature, but it’s clearly Cas’ handwriting.

In a flash, Gabriel is out of the apartment, calling out an apology, much to Jimmy’s dismay.

It takes him less than half an hour to reach Dean’s apartment. Yes, he has the address. He’s had it from the second he moved in.

Courtesy of the very man who opens the door.

Gabriel winks.

“Hey, Sammy the friendly giant. Be a doll and give that to Dean. Cassie is still living in their old apartment.”

He shoves the letter into Sam’s hand and is back at Cas’ soon enough.

Barely five minutes later, there’s a knock on the door.

Gabriel goes to open it himself, calling out, “Look who’s here, Cassie!”

Dean’s cradling the letter and the music box in his hands.

Even before Jimmy shoots him a suspicious look and Cas and Dean fall into each other’s arms like in a tacky romance novel, he knows he’s won.

Not only does no one complain about his prank.

 It’ll also be one hell of a story to tell at their wedding.


	66. Christmas Shopping

“He… helped you buy a Christmas tree.”

“He knows a lot about them” Cas insisted. “He worked at a tree farm in college”.

“Cassie, you can’t be that blind.”

“I don’t know what you mean” he said, trying to pretend that he was focusing on his lunch.

His old friend wasn’t impressed.

“Friends with benefits don’t help you decorate your house for a family holiday”.

“You should know” Cas replied against his better judgement. Balthazar only raised an eyebrow.

“As a matter of fact, yes. But then I have never made the mistake of being friends with benefits with the guy I was in love with.”

“I’m not in love with Dean.”

The lie sat heavy on his tongue.

He knew he was in trouble when Balthazar actually looked at him with pity in his eyes.

“Please. You’ve been a goner ever since he offered to replace your copy of Slaughterhouse-Five that fell in the mud. Might I add, only because you were reading it and ran into Mr. Hot Professor, causing you both to roll around in the dirt.”

Cas blushed and concentrated on eating once more. Or rather, playing around with his food, since he’d lost all appetite he might have had.

Friends for benefits – the term both Dean and Balthazar had been using when it came to describing their… arrangement.

Cas hadn’t labelled it. He had no wish to do so.

Otherwise he’d be heartbroken, and that was not a good look for Christmas time.

Because Dean was kind, and funny, and smart, and every time he left immediately after sex, Cas felt a stronger urge to ask him to stay.

Only he couldn’t do that because of the arrangement they had.

Both of them were too busy for a relationship, really. So what, Dean had pointed out, was wrong with them enjoying a healthy, sexual relationship until either of them met someone they wanted to be with?

The problem with that being, of course, that Cas already had.

And that he clearly didn’t want to be with him.

“You’re in trouble, Cassie” Balthazar sighed. “You’ve spent the past minute thinking about him instead of answering me, haven’t you”.

“It’s complicated” was Cas’ only answer.

That was all they said about it for the reminder of the meal.

When he got home that night, Dean sent him a text.

_Hey, wanna do dinner?_

He should have declined. He definitely should have.

Instead, he wrote back _I’d love to._

Dinner proved to be another one of those evenings where Cas wondered in which ways they differed from a normal couple. Dean might not have had the time for a relationship, but they had dined together in a restaurant three times this week already.

And it was only Thursday.

“And then I had to explain the difference between Fifty _Shades of Grey_ and good fanfiction” Dean sighed. “I can’t stress enough how important it is that the kids who enjoy it are just pursuing a normal hobby…. Cas, are you listening to me?”

No, he hadn’t been listening to Dean. He had been too caught up in staring at his hands and wishing he could hold one.

“I had lunch with Balthazar today” he blurted out. “He said it wasn’t normal for friends with benefits to purchase a Christmas tree together”.

Dean blushed fiercely, looking down on his plate.

“You needed a tree.”

“True. But Dean” Cas took a deep breath.

“This “friends with benefits” arrangement we have… I’m not satisfied with it.”

He hadn’t planned on ending it today, but it was better for everybody, he thought with a heavy heart. He’d stop pining and Dean could find someone else to fulfil his urges with.

“Cas – “

“No, Dean. I… wish to be with you. And you’ve made it clear – “

“Stop!” Dean blurted out. “I – I mean – Cas – I’m not good at relationships. I figured we’d keep it at just sex and you wouldn’t notice if I hung around for a bit…”

“So you…”

“I’d like to be with you, too, only remember, I am not a good boyfriend, so when it all goes to shit, you can’t – “

He interrupted Dean by kissing him fiercely.

The Christmas tree they bought the next year was purchased for their new apartment.  


	67. Two Sides

Sam doesn’t think much about who his roommate is going to be at first. Yes, he hopes he’ll be an “okay guy” like Dean’s roommate Garth (really, it’s no wonder he worries much less than the average new college student. He’s going to the same college as Dean did! They’re living in the same town again!), but aside from that…

And then he’s handed his key and told that his roommates name is Castiel.

Castiel _Novak_.

Novak.

Five simple letters. And yet they mean everything.

Because these five letters stood on the piece of paper he received on his eighteenth birthday.

His soulmate’s last name.

_Holy shit._

So it’s a guy after all. Well, it has been a long-known fact in Lawrence that “both Winchester brothers swing both ways”. Knowing Dad, he’ll probably be a little miffed, but Dean’s sure to welcome him with open arms.

Dean.

 _Dean_ hasn’t found his soulmate yet, so how is Sam supposed to cope with the fact that he’s about to meet the love of his life?

And yes, he does know that some soulmates decide to keep their relationship platonic, but most don’t, and either way, he wants children one day –

He calms himself down. They are eighteen. They are about to start college. Even with the bond, they are not going to settle down and talk about kids anytime soon.

Thank God Dean’s busy this week, even though he wanted to help him settle in. As much as Sam loves his brother, he couldn’t deal with the inevitable jokes right now.

He forces his body to move. He might as well start unpacking while he is waiting for his soulmate.

God, Mom will go crazy.

_Relax. Focus. He isn’t here yet._

But not even the most diligent unpacking can mask the sounds of uncertain footsteps approaching his door.

Novak. Castiel. He must know too, that they’re about to –

There’s a tentative knock on the door.

He clears his throat and calls out, “Come in”, taking strength from his soulmate being as nervous as he is.

The door opens, and –

 _Nothing_.

No, not nothing, but he’s pretty sure the first words he should think when locking eyes with his soulmate should not be _Why is he wearing a trench coat in this weather?_

Castiel Novak looks just as confused as he’s certain he does.

“Sam… Winchester?” he asks in a surprisingly deep voice. Add that to the dark hair and blue eyes, and right now Dean would be jumping up and down with envy. Seriously, he’s so much his type it’s scary.

Sam nods.

“I – “ He stops and tilts his head to the side, observing him.

Kind of weirdly cute – okay, he officially checks all the boxes on Dean Winchester’s hotness criteria list.

Not that Sam ever wanted to know about that in the first place, but still.

“Are you feeling… anything?” he finally asks. Sam shakes his head.

This is strange. Scratch it, this is downright bizarre. Everyone knows what happens when you meet your soulmate. You grow up watching it, people suddenly standing still in the middle of a crowd, eyes locked as the bond forms that binds them together forever.

And nothing like that is happening. At all.

If anything, the guy seems likeable, but apart from that – nothing.

“Maybe we should try to – touch?” he suggests.

Castiel moves closer immediately and grasps his hand. Alright, they might have to talk about personal space –

This is insane. He shouldn’t be wondering about personal space when _his soulmate takes his hand_.

There’s still nothing. They stand there, hands clasped, eyes locked, and nothing.

“Do you think it might – take some time?” Novak says, uncertainty lacing his voice.

“I have no idea. We’ll just have to wait, I guess.”

So they wait. One week passes, two weeks.

Castiel is a good roommate. He always cleans up his own messes, is polite, gives Sam space.

He could see them becoming good friends, but soulmates? Actual soulmates like his parents, who still throw each other heart eyes when they think no one is looking and can communicate over miles via their bond if they want to? Never.

He’s been thinking of going to the doctor, but what exactly are they supposed to tell him? The soulmate bond has never been truly explained.

It’s a mess. He’s got no idea how Castiel is feeling about all this _because there’s no bond_ , so how –

When Dean finally calls to ask if he can come over, it’s a relief. Everything’s easier when his brother is around.

Castiel relaxes instantly as he learns that there’ll be someone to act as a buffer this afternoon.

How are they supposed to live their lives like this?

Dean all but skips into their room at the appointed time, grinning happily.

“Sammy! You grew again! I told you to stop that.”

“Never, jerk”.

“Alright then bitch, how about you introduce me to your – “

Dean stops talking and just stares at Cas, who’s got up to greet him.

After having witnessed several soulmate encounters, Sam knows exactly what’s happening; it’s incredibly rude to ask the name of one’s soulmate, not even siblings as close as them would ever dare to.

“Huh. Wow.” Dean blinks, shakes his head, eyes Castiel.

“Holy shit, you’re hot”.

And Castiel, who hasn’t even used one swear word in his life as far as Sam’s aware, just beams at him and answers, “You are very aesthetically pleasing as well”.

Okay, then. Seems it’s all clear for these two. Sam is still trying to figure out –

His thought process is interrupted by the sounds of someone – jumping? toward their room.

“Oh” Castiel exclaims, as if he had a sudden realization, strolling over and taking Dean’s hand, even now, speaking to Sam, never looking away from his soulmate’s eyes.

“Sam, I never told you I have an older brother as well, I think?”

“No – “

The door bangs open and a man with a lollipop in his hand storms in.

“CASSIE! Thought I’d check on you, how are you, why are you holding this guy’s hand, Jesus, any chance that tree is free to climb?”

Sam’s eyes meet Gabriel’s for the first time.

And he understands.


	68. Daughter Knows Best

Jimmy knows just from the knock on his home office’s door that it’s Claire. He smiles as he calls for his daughter to enter. He might be working, but there’ll never be the time where he can’t afford a moment for his little girl.

He grows somewhat less enthusiastic when he sees the gleam in her eyes. He knows that gleam. She has that from her mother.

Claire has a plan, and she won’t allow anyone to stop her.

“We need Uncle Castiel to meet my auto shop teacher.”

“Why would I do that?”

Apart from him or Amelia always making sure one of them is available if a problem should arise, Claire loves auto shop. She’s doing well at school in every subject, really.

She rolls her eyes in a typical teenage commentary on dumb parental behaviour and explains, “Mr. Winchester would make the _perfect_ boyfriend”.

Mr. Winchester. Of course. Claire, like at least ninety percent of the girls in school, was smitten the second she walked into her first lesson. Jimmy was concerned until Amelia reminded him of his rather badly concealed crush on their maths teacher in high school.

But he has no idea how Claire’s crush suddenly turned into a plan to get Mr. Winchester to date her uncle.

“How do you even know he’s…” he trails off. He was initially shocked when his twin revealed to him he was gay on their twenty-first birthday. Since then, he’s worked hard to get over the prejudices their strict upbringing installed in him. He likes to think he’s been successful, mostly. He really doesn’t care who Claire eventually ends up with – man or woman – as long as she’s happy; and at this point he’d be more than glad if Castiel finally found a partner.

“He’s running the GSA. He wore a “bisexual and proud” t-shirt on bisexual awareness day. And he dressed down Mr. Roman when he called a kid “gay” as an insult”.

“That’s… good for him, but why do you think he would be a good match for _Castiel_?”

Due to her crush, they have heard a lot about Mr. Winchester. He loves rock n’ roll, his cars, he has apparently seen every movie ever created, and he seems to be rather loud and outgoing.

Basically, he’s the polar opposite of his quiet, kind brother.

“He quoted Vonnegut the other day. I told you we’re reading _Slaughterhouse Five_ – that’s why I recognized it.”

He will admit that Vonnegut happens to be one of Cas’ favourite authors.

“But Claire, you can’t just – “

“I _know_ they would make a good couple” she interrupts, and he sighs as he peruses her expression. There’s really no talking her out of this.

Still –

“How do you even plan on – “

He pauses when she looks away. That’s the same reaction she had when she was six and broke a neighbour’s window with a ball, denying it immediately afterwards.

“Claire…”

“It’s nothing bad, I swear! It’s just – you know how he has this awesome car?”

“A ’67 Chevy Impala” he supplies immediately. He’s heard enough about it.

“Yeah, and today, he used it to show us some stuff and I mentioned that my Uncle has this other old car…”

 _It could actually work_ , he thinks, worried. Castiel is not one to deny his niece anything, and if she should demand that he drive over to her school…

“You know he’s working on his new novel”.

Claire clearly isn’t impressed by his objections.

“I’ll ask him if he can drop by on Thursday”.

And with that, she leaves.

Sometimes he thinks he’ll never grow used to watching her walk away from him.

“Did you hear about Claire’s master plan?” he inquires later that night, after having made sure that certain curious teenage ears are currently busy listening to Led Zeppelin.

“Yes.”

“And? What do you think about it?”

Amelia lays her book aside – one of Castiel’s earlier ones, Jimmy realizes – and shrugs.

“He sounds nice. And what is the worst that can happen?”

“They hit it off and elope to Vegas?” he suggests.

“Is that your over protectiveness again, or do you really don’t want Castiel to end up happily married?”

“It’s not…” he sighs. “You know how Castiel’s relationships usually –“

While he’s searching for the right word, Amelia simply asks, “Crash and burn?”

He winces. “Exactly. Remember Balthazar?”

A grimace is all the answer he gets.

“But it doesn’t have to be this way” she argues, “and anyway, they haven’t even met yet.”

He has to admit that, at least, is true.

Thursday arrives, and he finds himself wondering whether Claire’s plan worked out. Then he shrugs and goes back to work. Ad space won’t sell itself.

Despite what Amelia likes to call his “over protectiveness” he never really believed that anything would come of his daughter’s scheming.

Until he returns home this Thursday evening (September 18, as Claire will remind them later again and again) and she greets him with, “Dad, I saw magic happen! You should have been there! Mr. Winchester immediately did a double-take when he came through the door, and when Uncle Castiel looked up and met his eyes he stumbled, and they both blushed when they were shaking hands, you could literally feel the sparks flying, and Charlie Bradbury already ships them – “

“Hello” he interrupts her gently.

“Oh, sorry. Hello, Dad”.

They hug briefly. He lets go when he finally catches up to what she has been telling him.

“So your uncle – “

“Totally has a date with Mr. Winchester that weekend. I heard them set the date!”

“They did that in front of all of you?”

“Of course not. I snuck back after the lesson and heard them”.

He really should talk to her about her snooping habit, but she’s already off again, no doubt texting Charlie about their… shipping.

“Well” is all Amelia says, “There are worse things than Castiel going on a date. It has been long enough since his last.”

Almost three years.

Maybe she’s right.

Jimmy isn’t sure what to think until he meets Castiel for their Sunday brunch – this time, despite their obvious curiosity, without Amelia and Claire. There are some things that strictly belong to siblings. Being the first to hear about a date, for example.

Castiel seems… alright. He’s not grinning brightly like after his first date with Balthazar, nor is he bragging about it like he was with – what was the name of the (God forgive him) huge dick who constantly insulted Jimmy again?

Point is, Castiel is apparently the same as ever, and when Jimmy asks, he calls the date “perfectly satisfactory”.

Which could really mean anything.

Only slowly does Jimmy realize that there’s something different about his brother, that he looks… very happy.

It’s not an obvious, screaming kind of happiness, but joy and bone-deep satisfaction, making his eyes softer and his laugh slightly louder.

Toward the end of their meal, Castiel asks shyly, “Can I ask you something?”

“You know you can”.

“How did it feel when you first met Amelia?”

He’s never asked him that question before. Surprised, he forces out, “I think you know.”

As Castiel smiles at him, blushing, he thinks, _Claire was right._

_I am never going to hear the end of it._

**Three years later**

“I told you so”.

“I know you told me so, since you told me so repeatedly ever since they met” Jimmy tells his daughter as they watch Dean’s and Cas’ first dance as a married couple.

“Claire” he adds, “Your girlfriend is squealing about your uncles again”.

Charlie is indeed making high-pitched noises.

Claire shrugs. “She’ll stop eventually.”

Jimmy takes his wife’s hand and leads her to the dance floor. There’s a good chance Claire is right.

After all, she figured this one out right away.


	69. Telepathy

There is a bond that only exists between spouses of close siblings.

The mutual understanding that there is someone else in their beloved’s life they would put above everything else; the knowledge that sometimes one must leave the siblings alone to talk; the awareness of the other at family parties.

It’s difficult to explain, but it’s the reason Amelia has always been looking out for Castiel, ever since she met Jimmy.

Not that he really needs to be looked after. He could probably take his own twin brother in a fight, and on one occasion, Jimmy told her, he knocked down the sixteen-year-old school bully when they were only fourteen.

But he is still the younger of the two – if only by ten minutes – and apart from her husband never letting him forget it, this means that he has all the protectiveness an older brother can have and more.

And so, she quickly came to care for Castiel’s welfare as well after they first got together.

Amelia is busy baking cookies in the kitchen when she hears her daughter squeal “Uncle Castiel!” in the living room. She smiles as she listens to his earnest, heartfelt greeting, which the five-year-old answers with a lot of questions about bees.

Claire’s age is then only reason Cas has until now refrained from keeping a few beehives in his garden, which borders on their own, but give it a few years and she has no doubt he will.

But even as she hears them chatter on and on she can’t help but realize this is the third evening this week Cas has come to spend with them.

And it’s only Thursday.

Of course he’s always welcome. But it only confirms her suspicions that her brother-in-law is lonely.  

Quite frankly, Castiel is a catch. He’s handsome (naturally), smart, funny in his way, he’s a lawyer who, apart from doing his regular work, regularly takes on pro bono cases to help people.

But so far, Castiel has been unlucky when it comes to love.

Amelia should know.

There is a bond that only exists between spouses of close siblings. She grew up witnessing it; both her parents came from large families.

And so far, she hasn’t experienced it with a single one of Castiel partners.

The first one he ever introduced to them was Meg. Beautiful, sarcastic, ambitious. Amelia doesn’t doubt she felt a lot for Castiel, not even after she left for Florida the moment she heard from her agent that she might get a breakthrough role – _I’m sorry Clarence, but I can’t risk losing this chance_ – but she never seemed to fit into his life. She didn’t understand that sometimes he and Jimmy need to have some time to themselves as brothers, interrupting their talk when Amelia was pointedly clearing the table or trying to get her opinion on the book she was reading at the moment.

It’s sometimes difficult, being married to a twin.

And yet –

Meg even mistook Jimmy for Castiel, once.

That never happened to Balthazar, her successor, and while he was charming and could be nice, it was clear he was never made for a monogamous lifestyle. And if there is one thing Castiel deserves above all others, it’s devotion.

True, his next girlfriend, Rachel, certainly was devoted to him – so much so that she tried to drive a wedge right between Cas and Jimmy, thinking that he shouldn’t be spending so much time with his newborn niece when he could have been focused on her.

That break-up was a mess.

And she’d rather not think of Daphne. It seemed like a whirlwind romance at first; after three months, they were practically living together (Claire being very confused why Uncle Castiel was never at home) and speaking about marriage when suddenly Daphne found her “soulmate” and left.

Amelia has been given to understand that since then she’s had at least four other soulmates.

Castiel was heartbroken.

Not long ago, he even told Jimmy and Amelia that he’s very content, and that finding a partner may simply not be in the cards for him.

If that is so, it’s frankly unfair.

She smiles brightly as she steps into the living room bearing the cookies and pretends she doesn’t see the loneliness hidden in Castiel’s eyes.

A week later, everything changes. Castiel still comes over this afternoon, and he still plays with Claire, but he keeps looking at his watch, and he seems excited.

“Are you gonna eat with us again, Uncle?”

“No, I’m sorry Claire, I can’t”.

“Why not?” she pouts.

“Because I have a – I have a date” he replies quickly, blushing scarlet.

Amelia, seeing that he is embarrassed, would refrain from asking questions, but she has a very curious daughter.

“Who? Do you like them? Will you marry them?”

“Claire” she says, carefully.

She pouts some more.

“I want a cousin”.

Castiel promptly swallows too much of his coffee and starts coughing.

When she tells Jimmy that night that Castiel was excited for his date, they both don’t think too much about it. Time will tell.

Time does tell. And with “time” she means the next day when her brother-in-law strolls into the living room with a new toy for Claire – a small remote-controlled car she immediately falls in love with.

Castiel is wearing the biggest grin she’s ever seen on him. Even Jimmy takes a double take when he turns around.

It’s not just the smile, either; he’s practically glowing.

He’s on cloud nine.

Castiel doesn’t fall easily for people. And especially not after one date.

Who is this man?

They get their answer soon enough. Amelia only works part-time until Claire starts school, but even so, one afternoon it just happens that she’s asked to stay longer, and Jimmy can’t get away either, and since Claire needs to be picked up from day care, she prays Castiel isn’t needed in court.

He isn’t, but she only realizes that he, not having a car at his disposal, called his new boyfriend to help an hour later when she and Jimmy arrive home at the same time.

There’s a big black car parked in front of their house – she assumes it’s the one Castiel told them about.

Come to think of it, he talks a lot about Dean.

The Dean who is… having a car race with Claire in their living room while Castiel watches them with a look on his face she hasn’t seen in a long time.

He’s in love.

She really hopes Dean is a good man.

He certainly seems to be – immediately jumping up, apologizing for the intrusion – and would probably continue if Claire wouldn’t choose this moment to exclaim, “Uncle Cas’ boyfriend is awesome, Mom! Did you see his car?”

Castiel blushes scarlet.

Cas? They’ve never called him that before. Dean winks at him.

His doing, apparently.

Amelia is wondering whether this is a good thing or not when it happens.

Jimmy moves towards his brother, clearly intending to take him aside, and Dean glances at her and asks, “If you don’t mind… could I have a glass of water?”

There it is, the bond she has been searching for.

She learns a lot about Dean in the ten minutes that follow. He has his own business – the small toy car Claire barely lets out of her sight is only a sample of what he can do – and a younger brother who works with Castiel – Cas.

So it was Sam Winchester who first introduced them.

He’s also kind, genuinely fond of children, and as smitten with her brother-in-law as he is with Dean.

After they have put Claire to bed at night and Jimmy has handed her a glass of wine she says, “He’s the one.”

“Dean? How can you tell after one meeting?”

She smiles. “I have my methods”.

Jimmy doesn’t believe her until a barbecue a few months later where Sam is invited too and brings his wife along.

They silently watch Cas and her move aside as the brothers talk.

“Mom?” Claire tucks at her sleeve. “Daddy says I shouldn’t ask… but is Uncle Cas gonna marry Uncle Dean?”

She’s never called any partner of Cas’ uncle or aunt before.

Amelia raises her head to see Dean draw Cas into a gentle kiss.

“Soon enough, Claire” she whispers back. “Soon enough”.

A year later, everyone agrees that her daughter is an amazing flower girl.


	70. Titles

Ever since Dean and Cas met five years ago, Cas has just been part of the family. That’s what Sam would say, if he was asked to explain. And really, where’s the harm if the accountant tags along during their celebrations and holidays? He’s more than made up for it by being there for all of them when Dad died, and always ready to help whatever they are doing.

Point is: He had been an extension of Dean’s for so long that Sam doesn’t even think of him as a “plus one” anymore. It’s usually just “if I tell one of them the other will know and come to dinner too.”

It’s as easy as that. Until it isn’t.

One of his old friends from university just moved to Lawrence. Brady, after years of working for a “company full of douche bags”, as he put it, suddenly “saw the light” and decided to take things slower. Naturally, Sam and Sarah invited him to their next barbecue, and inevitably, Dean and Cas are manning the grill; or rather, Dean is manning the grill and Cas just happens to be at his side.

Brady has just escaped from the clutches of Sam’s oldest child, who’s gone on to question “Uncle Cas” about bees once more, a whim he indulges with a bright grin while Dean watches them fondly.

“Mary is very lively” Brady tells Sam, “and just as sharp as her Dad.”

He grins proudly.

“I see you got yourself another burger?”

Brady nods, looking down on his plate.

“Doesn’t really do my diet any good, but Dean and – “ he frowns. “Sorry, what’s your brother-in-law’s name again?”

At this, all Sam’s thought come to a screeching halt.

“What?”

Brady shoots him a suspicious glance. “I know my old company wasn’t exactly… open to such things, but I’m not – “

“No, that’s not – of course I don’t think – Dean and Cas aren’t married”.

Brady shrugs, taking a bite of his burger.

“They can now. Only a matter of time, I’d say.”

Sam looks over to the grill, where Dean has obviously decided they have talked enough about the importance of saving bees and is now tickling Mary, Cas attempting to save her but also getting mercilessly attacked in the process.

They actually look like a couple.

And it’s small wonder Sam never realized; they always looked like a couple, right from the start.

They built the very playhouse that now stands in their garden for Mary’s last birthday together. The kids call Cas Uncle just like they do Dean.

But – they’re just close, right? Just friends?

Sam is certain his brother would never have kept that from him. Dean would have told him if he was…

If he was in love with Cas.

And he isn’t, right? There’s no pining going on. If anything, their friendship has made Dean happier than he has ever been.

Sam changes the topic, allowing Brady to believe what he wants. It can do no harm.

That night though, he remembers and asks Sarah, “Did you ever wonder if Dean and Cas were…” he trails off.

“Fancying each other? In love? Secretly married?” she asks matter-of-factly. “All of the above.”

“You really – “

“Sam, they go on vacations together. They buy presents together. Our children call him Uncle Cas – “

“But they’re not –“

“What is it with the inability of the men in this family to see the obvious. It’s bad enough that they can’t figure it out, but Jodi says Bobby – “

“You talked about them?”

“Of course, right after Cas first introduced us. What did you think with all their staring contests…”

Now that he is thinking about it, they do stare at one another a lot.

“Why do you think I tend to send them on errands together all the time?”

“Wait” he answers, remembering Bobby’s and Jodi’s house renovations, Jodi sending them to the hardware store all the time, “How long have you and Jodi tried to set them up?”

From her innocent expression it’s easy to deduce that they have been at it from the beginning.

“Maybe we should… ask them?” he begins. “I mean, I never thought that there was something more to their relationship, but I don’t want them to miss out…”

He stops talking when he sees the predatory glint in her eyes.

“You mean someone he trusts absolutely could talk to Dean…”

He admits he brought that on himself.

And so, he knocks on his brother’s door a few days later.

“Sammy” Dean greets him. “Cas is here too.”

Of course he is. That somehow defeats Sam’s purpose.

He accepts the offered beer and tells them casually, “Brady thought you were married.”

They both stare at him like deer caught in headlights.

Dean coughs. “Did he?”

“He asked me for my brother-in-law’s name”.

“It’s really not that hard to remember” Dean grumbles immediately.

Before Sam can ask, Cas inquires, “That’s your problem? That he couldn’t recall my name?”

“Well of course! I mean, look at you – it’s an honour, really – not that – I – “ Dean stops. “I don’t like people not paying attention, is all.”

But at this point Cas has already stepped up to him and is studying his expression before exclaiming, “ _Thank God_ ”.

Then, before either of the brothers can react, Cas takes the beer bottle out of Dean’s hand.

And then they are making out in full view of Sam, who promptly excuses himself. Not that he thinks they hear him leaving.

He doesn’t think much of it when they don’t hear of Dean or Cas for the next few days, after all they have to make up for years.

Sam still thinks he should have known though when he gets a text.

_Hi Sammy. Fixed it. Brady can just call Cas your brother-in-law now._


	71. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post 12x03

It’s not a conscious prayer of Dean’s that makes Cas postpone his search for Lucifer for the time being.

He long ago learned the difference between Dean’s sometimes impatient messages ( _Cas, where the Hell are you man? Cas, Sam is hurt pretty bad, I need – Cas, hope you’re doing well, things have been quiet for a while)_ and _this_ – an explosion of painful longing, sudden, unexpected and all-encompassing.

“I need to go to Kansas” he says immediately.

Crowley doesn’t even pretend that he’s surprised.

“Oh? Why? What have the boys done now?”

He doesn’t answer; he’s searching for meaning in the convoluted thoughts Dean sent his way without meaning to.

There is something about his mother.

_Father, please, please, not a hunt. Don’t tell me one of them is injured – don’t tell me they will lose their mother again. Dean was so happy._

“Well” Crowley announces, “seems like it’s important”.

And the truck is standing in front of the bunker.

Cas turns his head to look at him.

“Thank you.”

It might be the first time he’s been grateful the dethroned King of Hell decided to accompany him.

“Please, a world without my hunter allies? Too impractical to contemplate.”

As he exits the vehicle, Crowley adds, “Castiel – “

Using his full name to address him has become rare enough that it makes him stop, his hand on the door handle.

Crowley doesn’t meet his eyes, which is unusual as well.

“Just… make sure they’re alright.” A little too late, he adds, “They might be useful against Lucifer”.

Then he’s gone.

Nothing malicious entered the bunker, Cas is sure of it as soon as he steps inside. It is as safe as he left it.

But where are the Winchesters?

They’re not in the kitchen or the library, where they usually choose to “hang out” as Dean puts it.

At times like these, he really misses his wings.

Sam’s room is the closest to the library, and he knocks on the door.

“Dean?” a hesitant voice calls out; he takes it as his permission to enter.

Sam is sitting on his bed, staring at a book he holds in his hand; since his eyes aren’t moving, Cas is convinced he isn’t really reading it.

“Sam.”

“Cas. I thought you were – “

“Dean – prayed to me. Is everything alright?”

Sam’s shoulders slump.

“Mom left”.

He frowns.

“What?”

“She left. She said she needed time, that she missed her boys… that it was only a short time ago that she had them in Heaven and that we aren’t…”

Sam is usually far more articulate than this. Cas quickly steps to his side, squeezing his right shoulder.

Mary left. Amara tried to make Dean’s greatest wish come true, and Mary left.

Cas understands that she is confused, that she finds the difference between earth and Heaven jarring. It is.

But, he admitted that to himself a long time ago, he would never yearn for Heaven if he could be as sure that he belongs with his friends as Mary can.

Guilt fills him; he knew Mary felt out of place; should he have tried to let her know how important she is to Sam and Dean?

“How are you?”

Sam shrugs.

“I – I don’t know her, Cas. And yes, I am thrilled she’s back, but… we never had a relationship. It hurts that she misses me as a baby, but…” he swallows. “Dean is – Dean’s not well. He still hasn’t said a word. The last time I saw him like this…”

He stops talking as Cas’ hand falls from his shoulder. He knows Sam. When he wishes for his sympathy, he’ll tell him.

“Could you – look after him, please?” he begs.

“Of course, Sam.”

He hesitates in front of Dean’s room. Sam’s right; Dean has a tendency to go silent when confronted with what he perceives as abandonment (and in this case, who can deny that he has a right to see it as such); and then of course –

The thought of his – friend drinking all by himself until he passes out is what causes Cas to knock.

There is no answer. He expected none.

Dean is sitting on his bed, like Sam, but unlike his little brother he doesn’t pretend to do anything. He’s just sitting there, hands in his lap, staring at the wall.

Cas takes some comfort from no bottle being in sight.

“Hello, Dean.”

He turns his head; he’s pale, his eyes empty.

“Cas? What are you doing here?”

“Sam told me” he answers. It’s not a lie exactly, but he has always been reluctant to reveal to Dean just how much he tells him, albeit without wishing to do so.

“What exactly did he tell you?”

“That Mary left temporarily – “

Dean chuckles.

“Just see if she comes back. I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

“Dean – “

“It’s always like this. Don’t know if you noticed, but folks don’t really stick around me for too long. Guess I’m too annoying.”

“Dean, it’s not your fault – “

“Oh? Well then I’d like to know why everyone I love decides to run away at some point or another. Dad left, you always do, even Sam took off for a while, probably wouldn’t have come back if I hadn’t dragged him – “

“Dean” he says again, walking up to him, placing his hands on his shoulders, “Stop”.

Dean laughs a hollow, bitter laugh.

“Why should I? It’s all true. Thought about getting shit-faced, but what’s the point? Drinking won’t change anything.”

At any other moment, Cas would rejoice to hear it, but it’s clear Dean is too broken to even use any of his usual coping mechanisms.

“How can I help?” Cas asks.

“You can’t. That’s just how things are, Cas”.

Dean steps away.

“Just… go back to your search. I’ll be –“ He stops. “Just leave, Cas. I’m used to it.”

“I won’t” he replies simply. He can’t leave Dean alone like this.

“Did you sleep last night?”

Dean laughs again. Cas realizes he hates the sound. Dean’s laughter should be light, full of joy. Not this.

Instinctively, he pulls him in his arms.

Dean is shaking.

He doesn’t say a word as he pulls them both down on the bed.

“I’ll stay” he promises. Nothing is more important than making sure Dean gets better. Not the world, not Lucifer, nothing.

“How long?” Dean asks tiredly.

“For as long as you allow me to.”

Dean snorts. “Good luck with ever getting away again” he slurs, obviously already drifting off. “I never want you to leave.”

“Then I won’t” he swears.

Dean mumbles something, but it’s too indistinct to understand. He moves closer though, pressing his face against Cas’ chest, and hums, sounding somewhat peaceful.

Once he is asleep, Cas sneaks out of the room to call Crowley.

“Cassie! I knew you would get bored with the humans. Ready to get back to our roadtrip?”

“Mary Winchester has left the bunker” he says instead of a reply, “I need you to keep an eye on her – “

“Don’t worry, she’s currently driving towards Lawrence.”

“How – “

“Please, I knew as soon as Mama Bear started the car. it’s the Winchesters. They will always be big news.”

“Thank you, Crowley.”

Two times today, he has thanked the King of Hell and meant it. His time on earth truly has changed him irrevocably…

He remembers Dean falling asleep in his arms and smiles.

Yes, he has changed from the angel he used to be.

Just like Mary Winchester cannot be the mother Dean expected her to be, or as Dean will never be the boy she watched grow for four years again.

Difficult times lie ahead.

But in this crisis, for once, he will stay.  


	72. A Sign

He should have known.

Cas wasn’t born human. That never meant he wasn’t going to get a soulmate tattoo.

Dean really should have known.

But nope, as the stupid son of a bitch that he is, he just assumed Cas would be – would be –

His, dammit. He assumed Cas would be his.

It would fit so well, wouldn’t it? The freak who was born without a soulmate tattoo and the ex-angel who was never born period. But no, things don’t work like that, because Dean is a jerk who doesn’t deserve more than Cas already gave up for him and Sam anyway.

It’s a normal day for them when he spots Cas’ tattoo forming. They have just killed a werewolf who was munching on a small town in California; Cas got tossed around a bit but is fine (Dean checked) and is now busy changing into clean clothes.

And if Dean sneaks a glance now and then, well… Cas is perfectly aware of how bathroom doors work. If he didn’t want him to look, he wouldn’t do it right in the middle of their room.

He suspects it’s all part of the small dance they’re doing, these days. Somehow, after Cas became human once and for all to undo the damage Metatron’s spell had done, it all fell into place.

And Dean, the man who’d grown up with the knowledge that there was no one in the world who was meant for him, that he’d inevitably end up alone, started to hope.

He should have remembered that hope is the worst of evils.

But no. He took it upon himself to show Cas all he’d been missing out on before, and if he happened to sit close to him on the couch when they were watching a movie or to feed Cas a few bites with his fork so he could taste Dean’s dish in the diner they were sitting in, his friend certainly never complained. On the contrary, he shuffled a little closer himself, smiled gently as his mouth closed around Dean’s fork, and he thought, he thought –

Doesn’t matter what he thought. Because right there, on Cas’ right shoulder blade, is a black smudge.

Like newborns have. It will take its definitive form in the next few weeks.

The form that will bind Cas to someone else, someone he can be happy and spend his life with.

Dean looks away, swallows, the lump in his throat making it difficult.

God he’s been an idiot.

Of course this would happen. Cas deserves a soulmate; Dean doesn’t. Who knows, maybe this was all part of some big master plan and the most amazing thirty-something in the world is waiting for their match to finally show up.

“Dean?”

He looks up to find Cas standing fully dressed in front of him. He’s frowning, reaching out for him.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yes” he replies, somehow managing to sound like himself. Instead of meeting Cas, as he would have done five minutes ago, he steps back.

“Just hungry”. The lie comes easily. “Let’s go get Sam.”

He doesn’t sit next to Cas in the diner. Sam looks confused and Cas downright sad.

It’s for the better, he tells himself. Soulmates always find each other. Cas will run into his sooner or later.

So he keeps his distance. Movie nights are reduced significantly, and he never sits next to Cas on the couch or one of their beds if they have them. Touches are short and accidental if they happen at all. Talks between them are friendly, but he doesn’t allow his gaze to linger on Cas’ features.

He’s not freaking happy about it, in fact he’s feeling pretty bad, but hey, that’s nothing new. If anything it was weird that everything seemed to be going his way for once.

So, yeah, he should have known.

Sam corners him one day in the library because naturally his little brother has nothing better to do.

“What do you think you are doing?”

“Cataloguing the library. I thought you wanted us to.”

He shakes his head.

“That’s not what I meant, alright? Cas is making lunch that, if the last few weeks are anything to go by, you’ll take away to eat in your room on your own, and you won’t even thank him for it. And I can’t take him looking like you punched him in the face again – “

“It doesn’t matter, alright?” Dean interrupted him. “Whatever he thinks he’s feeling right now, it doesn’t matter.”

“But why? When he became, you were thick as thieves, and I thought – “

“He has a tattoo, Sammy” Dean forces himself to explain. “On his back. Got it a few weeks ago.”

It takes a moment for Sam to understand; Dean turns away so he won’t see the pity on his face.

“Dean, I’m – “

“I know, alright? _I know_. Let’s just… move on and hope Cas’ soulmate is awesome.”

Sam doesn’t answer, but after a few minutes, Dean hears him leave the room.

Life goes on. He makes Sam share a room with Cas on hunts now, and if he’s lonely –

Who’s he kidding? He deserves it.

One day, he’s walking past one of the bathrooms in the bunker when he hears Cas exclaim something, and he’s at the door immediately.

“Cas?” he asks, knocking insistently.

“I’m fine, Dean” the strained voice of his – friend tells him.

“Are you sure? I could – “

“Thank you, Dean, I am perfectly fine.”

It’s clear he wants to be left alone.

So Dean leaves.  

Cas stops looking expectant and happy when he enters a room, as well as asking for his company.

He noticed his tattoo then. It makes Dean wonder why he looks more downcast than ever, though.  

He keeps eyeing the people they meet. He can’t have Cas lose his chance because he isn’t paying attention.

Being more occupied with the woman he’s talking to possibly being Cas’ soulmate might be the reason he doesn’t notice she’s a siren until it’s almost too late.

When they get back to the motel, his right shoulder is bleeding pretty badly, but it’s nothing a few stitches won’t fix.

He’s about to ask Sam for help when his brother mumbles something about food and beer and does a disappearing act. Wonderful.

When he pictured taking his shirt off in front of Cas, this wasn’t what he had in mind. Not that it will ever come to…

He’s about to rip it off when Cas’ hands on his stop him.

“You have to be careful” he mutters, looking down at the hem of Dean’s shirt. He helps him take it off slowly, gently.

It feels very intimate. Dean bites his lip and turns around.

Cas exhales.

“I know it looks bad, don’t worry –“

Cas’s hand, reverently stroking the skin right beneath his wound, stops him.

“ _Dean_.”

“Cas, what – “

His friend takes a few deep breaths.

“I need to take care of your wound. Can we talk later?”

“Of course” he answers, confused.

Cas stitches him up. Dean’s mind swirling around too much for him to feel pain.

Then, afterwards, Cas helps him up and leads him to the bathroom. He grabs a small shaving mirror they always keep in their duffel bags.

“Cas, what – “

“Look at your back” he says, passing Dean the mirror, “on your right shoulder blade.”

Dean has no idea what Cas is trying to tell him until he sees the tattoo on his skin.

He never felt a thing.

But there it is.

Two small feathers, intertwined.

He doesn’t need Cas to take off his shirt to prove that he has the same. Dean knows it, down in his core.

“Cas, I – “

Cas’ cold, trembling fingers on his lips take the words away.

“Dean Winchester. I know we have been the victims of miscommunication, and that we need to talk, but right now, I want to kiss you.”

There is really nothing he can say after that, is there.

After all, they have all the time in the world.

They are meant to be.


	73. Not So Old Fashioned

Maybe it finally happens because Mum just accepts Cas from the first as part of the family – in more ways than one, as it turns out, but he doesn’t understand that until later. Dean hugged him in front of her, told her he’s an angel, and that was that, apparently.

After they finally managed to rescue Sam – his little brother already being well on the way of rescuing himself – things have quieted down a bit. For now. The British Men Of Letters are still out there, trying to lure hunters to their side, apparently, thankfully meeting with little success; and of course there’s Lucifer, running through vessels. They have no idea what he’ll do now that God personally told him off and Amara ripped him from Cas – it has become more and more difficult for Dean to think of Cas’ body over the years, he can’t help it.

And of course there’s Mum, trying to make sense of all that has happened in the last thirty-three years.

It’s weird, having her back. He won’t deny that. Weird, but wonderful too. She’s a good hunter, when push comes to shove, and she always keeps a cool head.

She always still makes a mean pie. Even Cas didn’t complain about the molecules.

Watching Mum and Cas bond makes his heart beat faster, even though he’ll never admit that to anyone. Cas is his best friend, and it’s great to see him being welcomed into the family; but it’s only when the angel once more decides to leave (doesn’t he always, he thinks somewhat bitterly, but he’d never say it out loud) that he realizes how well Mum has come to understand him.

She’s the one who asks, “Where are you going?” as Cas prepares to leave; he and Sammy are so used to it by now they probably wouldn’t even have asked. Cas will tell them when he finds a promising lead.

“Michigan” he answers, looking surprised.

“Are you taking the car?” she asks carefully (Dean made sure to let her know that Cas’ wings are still a delicate subject. He hasn’t yet had the courage to ask how badly damaged they are after everything that has happened).

Cas nods and Dean winces as he remembers the awful Lincoln Cas seems to have grown so fond of. Really, it’s a token of friendship that he lets it park next to Baby in the garage.

“And how reliable is the lead?”

There is one thing they figured out very soon: It is almost impossible to lie to Mary Winchester. And Cas isn’t immune against that either apparently, because he shrugs rather helplessly.

The gesture is _not_ endearing. It is not.

Mum waves her hand towards the wall.

“There’s no need to drive through that storm out there, Cas.”

It’s really raining cats and dogs, and she’s right. Cas might be an angel, but he’s going to drive.

He lays a hand on his shoulder.

“Better stay until tomorrow, buddy.”

Cas turns around. There’s a strange expression on his face. Dean isn’t sure whether he likes it or not.

“If I’m not a burden…”

“You’re always welcome to stay here, Cas” Sam says before Dean gets a chance to, and he squeezes his shoulder to let him know that he whole-heartedly agrees.

“If you’re sure…” Cas says, his hand catching Dean’s as he withdraws; they stare into one another’s eyes for longer than is strictly necessary until Mum gently interjects, “That’s settled then; I’ll make dinner.”

Dean could have sworn that she brushes especially close to him so he’ll instinctively move closer to the angel, but certainly his mother would never do that. Sam, perhaps, to annoy him. Not Mum.

“Dean” Cas says earnestly, “I don’t have to stay if you don’t want me to – “

“Why would you think I don’t want you to?”

It’s at this point that Sam decides to leave, mumbling something about helping Mum in the kitchen. Good luck with that. She’s almost more territorial than Dean when it comes to that point. He learned that the hard way when she had been back for two days.

“I always want you to” he says, perhaps somewhat hotly, freeing his hand from Cas’ grip. “We’re family, that’s what I told you, didn’t I?”

“Yes” Cas confirms, but seems to deflate somewhat, much to Dean’s surprise.

In the end, he shrugs and they move to the kitchen.

That’s not the only weird thing that happens, though.

For some reason, Cas is still around the following morning. Good. Dean doesn’t want him chasing around the world for Lucifer on his own anyway.

Mum seems to have put him in charge of translating a thick enochian book.

“What’s it about?” Dean asks, sitting down next to him.

“Nephilim” he replies, “Mary could tell me as much. It is a much more detailed history than we have heard before…”

“Just about the Nephilim or…”

Dean doesn’t even know what he is asking.

“About what came… before” Cas says simply. “How certain angels came to love human women so much that they fell for them.”

“Sounds like a love story” Dean answers, trying to lighten the mood.

“It is”.

And then they’re staring at one another again, and Dean is remembering every half-awake thought he ever had, and this is not good, this is not good at all…

He thinks he hears something in the doorway, but when he turns around he only gets the brief impression of blond hair, so brief that he can’t say for sure Mum was there.

It all ends – or rather, starts – during a hunt in Missouri when they’re told that the motel only has two free rooms with double beds free and Mum answers matter-of-factly “I think it is safe to say my son and his partner can share a bed.”

Oh.

So Mum wasn’t on some weird welcome-cas-to-the-family-crusade.

No, she was on an even weirder get-my-son-to-introduce-his-boyfriend-to-me-properly crusade.

There are many things he could say. He could deny all of it. He could tell her the truth – that they’re not together, but that now and then –

In the end, he does none of these things. He just takes Cas’ hand and nods at the receptionist while Cas gives him a brilliant smile.

When they’re in their room alone, Cas turns around.

“Dean, I don’t under-“

He kisses him. He has enough of these charged talks where they don’t really mention anything important.

That night, they’re holding hands at the diner they’re eating in, and Mum smiles happily at them.

“See? I’m not so old fashioned as you thought I was” she chides him.

He squeezes Cas’ hand to let him know he shouldn’t tell her the truth. Not yet. Maybe never.

After this, after they have finally found each other, it doesn’t really matter.


	74. Valentine Blues

Valentine’s used to be his favourite holiday.

Even – no especially when he was single at the time. because hey, lots of depressed also single people around, right? He could just waltz into a bar and pick anyone he choose.

But then last year happened, and so this year Dean is not feeling it at all.

Because last year, he didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Instead, he cooked dinner and fell asleep on his boyfriend’s shoulder after a long day of teaching high schoolers –

But that boyfriend is history so that shouldn’t matter, right?

They just were never into that romantic stuff, right from the beginning. Hell, Cas didn’t even ask him out, he just inquired if he wanted to “hang out”. They never had a dramatic moment where they decided to be boyfriends, they never discussed that parts of their clothing had found their way into each other’s apartments, it was just what it was, and it was awesome, until that one fight where it wasn’t anymore and then it was over.

And Dean’s absolutely not still bitter about it six months later.

So he’s going to go out, despite not feeling it, and he’ll flirt and dance and get drunk and go home with someone.

Easiest thing in the world.

Apart from the fact where it’s not, and he’s just sitting at the bar nursing a drink.

Because none of the guys and girls around are tall enough, or have blue eyes or dark hair, and –

It’s time to get over this, he knows. But that doesn’t make it one bit easier.

“Hello, Dean.”

Really? Now? Here? Today of all days?

He turns around with what he hopes is a smile.

“Hey, Cas”.

They never were into that romatic stuff.

They still aren’t, it seems, because Cas is just looking at him and he’s looking at Cas and then Dean says, “We’ve been a couple of dumbasses”.

Cas nods and answers, “You should go home with me.”

He downs his drink.

“And not run out when we have our next fight” Cas adds. Dean takes his hand.

“Promise”.

He keeps his promise for the next fifty years.


	75. Memory Calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post 12x11

He didn’t think much about it when Sam let him know that Dean’s cell phone was broken. In a hunter life, few devices survived longer than a few months.

As it turned out, he should have been concerned, and as usual, he learned about it far too late.

“Hey, Cas” Dean greeted him, sounding tired. “Got a new phone”.

“I deduced as much.” The brothers were the only ones who’d ever call him from a number he didn’t recognize.

Dean chuckled. “Deduced? Did you catch old Sherlock Holmes reruns on cable again?”

He hesitated for a moment before answering, “Maybe”.

Sometimes, this behaviour amused Dean, and this time it worked.

Dean laughed. Cas had known for a while that it was his favourite sound in all of creation.

“Elementary, my dear Watson”.

“It was a younger version. The Granada television series”.

“Good enough, Jeremy Brett beats Rathbone any day”.

Cas realized what was strange about this conversation. Dean was always ready to make pop culture references, but he only very rarely had a real talk about his interests.

Dean’s next sentence confused him.

“God, it feels good to remember.”

“Remember? What do you mean?”

When his friend didn’t answer immediately, he asked, “Dean?”

“I didn’t – I didn’t want to worry you. Got hit by a spell, started losing my memory, Rowena helped out, end of story.”

He felt an unreasonable surge of jealousy. Naturally they would call a witch if there was a problem with a witch…

“You lost your memory?”

Dean Winchester without the memories Cas had inadvertently seen when he had raised him out of Hell wouldn’t be Dean anymore, the Dean he…

“I – yeah. Forgot my name at one point. It wasn’t fun.”

There was a question at the tip of his tongue. He told himself it didn’t matter, that he knew very well where he stood concerning the Winchesters, but –

“What about – “

Before he could even finish the question, Dean breathed, “I even forgot you and Sammy. That just shouldn’t be possible, man”.

His heart beat a bit faster at the shock in Dean’s voice.

“Dean, I’m sure – “

Something was wrong about this, but he couldn’t put his finger on it –

When he did, he was so surprised that he stopped talking.

“Cas?”

“I could still feel your longing” he said confusedly. “Why could I – “

“Wait a moment – “

Cas swallowed.

He’d never meant to tell him that his days were accompanied by the soft undercurrent of Dean missing him, their bond reminding him that he had a place in this life after all.

“You can feel me – “ Dean paused.

“Huh. Guess that explains why I was feeling like there was something missing even when Sam tried to explain what was going on. I’m used to it when I know who I am – “

“What?”

Now Cas was the baffled one.

“Damn it” Dean cursed. “Sorry, I’m still a little shaken – “

He was expecting the apology, but not what followed.

“No. You know what? I’m done.”

“Dean?”

“Look, can you come to the bunker, if only for a few days? I miss you. Tired of hiding it. I’d rather spend some time with you while I can remember why I want to.”

“Of course I’ll come, Dean.”

How could he not, when his hunter was calling him to his side?

“And Cas… you know you can stay, right?”

A part of him hadn’t.

“You can even have my bed” Dean offered.

“That depends. Will you be sharing it?”

He expected a stunned silence. Instead, there was another breathless chuckle.

“We’ll see about that when you get here.”

And they did indeed.


	76. Prayer Interrupted

Balthazar is a patient man.

Alright, that’s a lie. He’s neither a man nor patient.

But that doesn’t mean he can’t claim to be both, and indeed does so on a regular basis.

Most boys and girls wouldn’t want to play around with angels, after all.

Therefore, Balthazar is a patient man.

But even he has his limits.

And he doesn’t think he can take Dean Winchester’s manpining over the angel radio much longer.

You would think he’d be busy with keeping hidden after escaping the FBI and entertaining Mommy dearest, but no.

_Hey Cas, buddy… Where are you? You’re not picking up the phone. Just wanted to check in._

“Sure” he mutters. “Just checking in on your buddy pal man friend”.

It’s got worse recently. Apparently with the world for once not in peril, he has nothing to focus on but his feelings for Balthazar’s brother.

While still pretending to himself that they are just friends.

Seriously, how a seasoned hunter can be so stupid about something that’s staring him right in the face, he has no idea.

Neither does he know why Cas keeps running away from him. Way back when he fought with Raphael, it was clear that he wanted to stay on earth. Heaven lost him the second he laid hands on Dean Winchester.

_Cas –_

Oh God, the next one.

“I didn’t get resurrected for this” he decides and flies off to find Castiel.

His brother is still driving that awful pimp car – if there’s one thing he can say about Dean, it’s that he’s got good taste there – and is currently parked in a field in Virginia.

He’s sitting on the hood, looking up at the stars.

“Balthazar” he greets him without turning around.

“Cassie. Surprised you aren’t on the phone with your boy toy. He’s been praying non-stop since you left… what was it, three days ago?”

“There was no reason for me to stay” he says simply. He’s still looking up at the sky, although Balthazar doesn’t know what he’s seeing.

“Dean knows I’m fine.”

“His prayers would suggest he doesn’t.”

“That’s how he is with people he… cares about. Like his brother” Cas replies firmly.

He snorts. “Yes, you two are just like brothers.”

He realizes his mistake when Cas’ shoulders drop.

“Cassie, I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s the truth. He sees me as a brother. He told me himself.”

Cas’ gaze finally turns to him.

“Balthazar, I know why you are here. There is no point.”

“He ran through Purgatory for a year trying to find you even though _he had a way out_ ” he tells him firmly. He rolled his eyes for days after he heard that particular story.

“Because he is a good man, and I am his friend.”

“Castiel, please hear me out. This is very important. Have you ever tried to talk to him about it?”

“Of course not.”

He wants to scream.

“Why of course?”

“I told you. He sees me as a brother. What I – what I desire will never come to pass.”

“So that’s why you keep taking extensive road trips? You think you can’t have him so you run away?”

“Balthazar –“

He’s pleading now, but tough look, because he’s had enough. Not only does he have to live through every single one of Dean’s prayers, but the hunter has a tendency to just… slip right into it without even noticing.

Which is why he can tell Cas exactly just _how much_ Dean has missed him in the last three days.

“No. You know what, I’ve had enough. Expect a call from everyone’s favourite ghostbuster”.

He flies to the bunker and lands right in Dean’s room.

The hunter jumps up from the bed, a copy of _Cat’s Cradle_ flying past Balthazar’s head. Dean Winchester can be as much a nerd as anyone else when he wants to be.

“What the hell – “

“Cas is in love with you” he announces. Dean stops ranting and looks at him, blinking slowly.

“What?”

“Cas is in love with you. That’s why he keeps driving off God knows where – he can’t stand the sight of you while feeling the broken pieces of what is left of his heart”.

“You – “

“Tell him, and for my sake, quit whining in your prayers. It’s annoying.”

He really hopes he’s done some good as he leaves.

The next prayer proves he did.

_Hey, Cas? Balthazar was just here, and… if he’s right, you’re probably freaking out, I am too, but – could you come home please? I’d like to show you there’s no reason to run out on me._

* * *

Three weeks of blessed, blessed silence. Three weeks without manpain or pining or more.

It’s been Heaven, he thinks as he sips on his glass of Scotch in a bar in Scotland.

He should have known it couldn’t last.

_Hey hot stuff, hurry up with that coffee. I have a few other ideas how to wake me up properly._

Only the fact that he’s surrounded by people prevents him from groaning out loud.


	77. How It Works

The Apocalypse is not at all what it was made out to be. At least not in Castiel’s opinion.

Sure, it was a pain in the ass to get running water again – he basically had to construct his own pipeline – but on the other hand, there’s no one around to call the cops on his small patch of weed on the balcony or complain when he goes out to get something stronger.

All the other tenants fled a long time ago, but really, what does it matter? He was never one for socializing much anyway. And if a demon should come a-knocking… He always has salt ready.

Speaking of demons…

There’s one in particular Castiel could do without. Not because he’s doing what all the others are – hunting down humans, ritually sacrificing them, et cetera – but because of the exact opposite.

This demon moved into Mr. Adler’s abandoned apartment a few months ago.

The one that is right next to Castiel’s.

And he’s the worst. Neighbour. Ever.

Which is saying something, since he was always convinced he held the title himself.

Tonight is another AC/DC night, it seems. He has them regularly. Mostly when it’s not a Stones night or a Led Zeppelin night.

Demons really don’t sleep, it seems.

Not that he cares.

Only he does, because the demon is constantly making noises – if it’s not music, it’s television (well, DVDs, Blurays, whatever, as long as anything plays, his neighbour is sure to turn it on) or very loud sex noises (apparently demons have sex drives like everyone else), reminding him that it’s been way too long since his last orgy.

Alright, maybe he does miss other people a bit in that respect.

He’s only seen his neighbour in the corridor once, when they ignored one another, and he only then figured out it was a demon then.

The black eyes were hard to miss.

Even after they met, the demon never made a move to harm him, so Castiel mostly tries to forget he exists.

But tonight he’s high and the music is really annoying him, and he has had enough, so he grabs a piece of paper and starts drawing.

Of all things he ends up with Mickey Mouse giving his demonic neighbour the finger.

“Hey assbutt, your music from Hell is keeping my up again. Please turn it down. Sincerely, 665”.

He slips the paper under the demon’s door, goes back to his apartment and smokes until he can’t hear the music anymore.

Castiel wakes to an answer having been nailed to his front door.

His Mickey Mouse has been decapitated by someone who looks like an Adonis (and alright, the meat suit the demon picked is pretty good-looking, he will admit that) and the message reads “Hey asshole, pretty sure that smell of all that weed is doing a good job of keeping you up. Plus, you don’t wanna hear Heaven’s music. Lots of Liszt. All yours, 666.”

That is easily fixed.

Now Mickey’s a zombie.

“I’ve been here longer, I make the rules. No loud noises after ten pm”.

The next reply is an invitation.

Adonis is holding his own “apartment rules”.

“There are no more rules. So it goes.”

And _that_ catches his attention.

This time, Mickey is alive, well and happy.

“You like Vonnegut? My place, 7 pm. I have pie.”

He receives the last answer ten minutes later.

Adonis is giving him the thumbs up.

“You have pie? Awesome, dude! See you!”

And he does indeed appear in his apartment at seven pm sharp.

It has been a long time since he’s had company, and Dean (as he introduces himself) is quite entertaining.

He even brought _Die Hard_ for them to watch.

They see each other daily after that.

A week later, Dean moves to kiss him. He doesn’t resist.

Nor does he on any night that comes after.

It’s crazy, he knows it is. But his family declared him insane long before the doors of Hell burst open anyway, so why should he care? Dean is hot, and smart, and nice, yes, actually nice, and not even just by demon standards. He happened to land in Hell and become one, but he only ever cared about getting out.

All he wants now, as he explained it, is to “howl at the moon” and “have fun until the lights go out”.

Boy can Cas empathize with that.

And so they do it together. Drugs or alcohol don’t affect Dean, of course, but the sex is pretty damn fantastic.

He doesn’t even miss his orgies anymore, not with Dean always around the corner for the next round, or Dean cooking on his stove, or singing in his shower.

He refuses to acknowledge what’s going on until the night he doesn’t expect the demon and accidentally overdoses and wakes up, feeling fine and Dean lying next to him, holding his hand, the green eyes of his meat suit full of concern.

Aunt Naomi always prophesied he would never find a nice girl to love. She was right all along.

Somehow he managed to fall in love with a demon.

And it’s okay, because sometimes he even thinks Dean might feel the same. But whether he does or not –

This works. They work.

The world had to end for him to find something like happiness.

He’s not even taking drugs anymore because Dean told him not to. That’s how serious it is for him.

He learns it is for Dean too when the demon asks casually one day, “Do you think we should get a house together some time? Not like it’s difficult these days. Maybe something in the country.”

Cas reaches out and takes his hand.

“Sounds good”.

“No weed” Dean tells him, but it’s pronounced like a question, a request. There’s hesitance in his eyes.

“No weed” he confirms.

He wants to see where this journey takes them stone cold sober.


	78. New Year's Kiss

_So that… happened._

Dean Winchester has just woken up next to his best friend, and they are both very naked.

It is the 1st of January. He has no idea what time it is.

Or how to handle this.

No big deal right? Happens all the time. Good friends celebrate New Year’s Eve, good friends get drunk, good friends have sex.

Problem is that’s not exactly true.

Nope.

They were stone-cold sober, and everything was normal, and they called Sammy at his girlfriend’s shortly after midnight and then…

Well, it was a tragedy they hadn’t had anyone to kiss at midnight, Cas pointed out. Dean agreed.

So they… kissed.

And then other stuff…

Well, sex. Yep, that happened to and it was pretty damn awesome, and now… they’ll have to deal with it.

Which is a shame because this is actually kind of nice, lying here all cuddled up to Cas, and he can easily imagine more mornings like this.

Afternoons. Whatever.

Only instead they’ll probably never speak again, and everything will be awkward.

Cas stirs, Dean tensing next to him. This is it then, the moment when everything falls apart.

Instead, a gentle kiss is pressed against his neck.

“Good morning” Cas murmurs.

Dean waits.

_Nothing_.

“Ahm… Cas?” he asks eventually when his – friend? starts tracing patterns on his chest.

“We… kinda had sex”.

Cas hums.

“That a problem?”

Cas raises his head from the pillow.

“Not for me. Do you think – “

“No” he’s quick to answer, “God, no”.

“Good, then” Cas decides. “We should continue, then.”

They don’t wait to kiss until after midnight on their next New Year’s Eve.

They start well before then.  


	79. Effect

Dean doesn’t even really notice when the kid bumps into him. Why should he? First of all he’s used to all kind of rude behaviour – sadly still comes with the territory once you present as an omega – and second of all he just got mated to Castiel Novak last night.

It wasn’t a big, all-consuming decision really. No. It was as easy as Cas sitting down on the couch next to him after dinner and saying, “These six months have been the best of my life. I wish to share the rest of it with you, Dean.”

There wasn’t really any answer he could give but yes.

So he’s freshly mated to an alpha who actually isn’t trying to control every aspect of his life, wants them to be partners in every way, and he still gets to work on cars for a living because hell yes, omegas can do whatever they want, and if his father were still alive to see all of this, he’d probably blow a fuse, so who cares about the ten-year-old who just ran into him at top speed?

He barely even registers the hit. What catches his attention is the mother’s reaction.

“Sally! You come back here and apologize to the man right this instant!”

What the hell?

The little girl comes shuffling back, looking very sorry (although probably mostly for herself).

“I’m sorry, Mr” she whispers.

“She normally doesn’t do stuff like this – “ her mother continues and mostly Dean is left confused. He’s used to being taken for granted or dim-witted, shoved aside, ignored. Except when it comes to Cas.

Hence the mark on his neck –

Oh. Of course.

He’s not just an unwanted omega “approaching middle age” as one of the clients in the shop once sneered; he’s mated now. He belongs to an alpha.

He scoffs. Cas would be mortified if he implied any such thing.

Still, he accepts the apology and watches the two happily wander off.

Inconsequential as it is, the incident makes him more aware of his surroundings.

He soon learns that suddenly, sweet old ladies smile at him again the way they did in his youth, teenagers make room for him so he can walk quickly towards his place of work, alphas don’t oogle him that openly anymore.

Really? All of this because of a bite?

He has to tell Cas later. In a certain way, it’s hilarious.

There are other consequences to his mating he hasn’t foreseen.

Viktor, his immediate superior at the shop, isn’t as much of a bastard as he thought when he first started working here, but he still has his bad days, and usually bosses Dean around to his heart’s content.

But today, it’s not his usual greeting of “Hey, Winchester. This and this and this needs to be done ASAP bla bla bla” that Dean doesn’t even listen to most days because he knows what he’s doing.

Instead, he hears, “Hi Dean. Fancy a cup of coffee?”

He shrugs and says, “Sure.”

“So” Viktor says, nodding towards his neck, “That’s new. Congratulations.”

“Thanks” Dean answers, stirring his coffee.

“Didn’t think –“ Viktor breaks off. “You know what? Not gonna say it. What happens between two consenting adults is none of my business.”

Didn’t keep him from getting all nosy when Cas first showed up to have lunch with Dean, but who cares.

Benny’s reaction is different, thank god. Cas sadly has a meeting so he’ll eat alone today.

“Hi, brother… is that a mating mark I see?”

Dean blushes.

“Yeah, we tied the knot”.

Benny shakes his head at him.

“So I guess you want a free meal?”

“You know I would never…”

“Pecan pie, coming up.”

It occurs to him while he’s eating that he still hasn’t told Sam.

To save himself the explanation, he facetimes him.

Hopefully he won’t be busy at court.

“De-“

His brother’s smile freezes.

Dean waits.

There was a time, right before Dean turned thirty and Sam met Sarah, where Sam got a bit on the… douchy side of being an alpha, starting to closely monitor him and all, dropping slight hints as to what he considered “acceptable omega behaviour”.

Dean keeping his distance for a while and an omega who runs an art gallery soon kicked him back on the right path, but Dean would lie if he said he’s not nervous about his reaction to their matter-of-fact approach to mating.

“I – congratulations!”

He’s beaming and Dean wonders why he was worried to begin with.

“Figured we might make it official. No reason to wait”.

He goes back to work feeling pretty good about himself and the world at large.

Cas, that night, has a different reaction to how his day’s been.

“I don’t like people treating you better only because we mated. They just congratulated me”.

Dean shrugs.

“The way I see it, let’s just live our lives. Hey, breaking down prejudices has to be good for the next generation.”

“The next generation?”

Dean draws him into his arms with a wolfish grin.  

“Just thinking ahead.”


	80. A Series Of Accidents

It’s an accident, really.

Well, adopting Lucifer’s kid is.

Taking him to the bunker is a given.

What else are they going to do? Chuck the kid into the streets and hope some non-satanist finds him? Take him to child services when every demon on the planet will be eagerly looking for him?

So, yeah, they take Satan Jr. to the bunker with them, because that’s the only thing they can do. Kelly died, just breathing long enough to see her son and whisper “I love you”, the failure to save yet another life on their shoulders.

At least they got rid of Dagon, or Crowley did.

Hey, he saw Lucifer’s kid and didn’t immediately try to kill it, so that’s a plus too.

They already know they’ll need Rowena to block the little guy’s powers.

 _And a car seat_ , Dean thinks, Sam sitting next to him, Cas holding the child in the back. _A proper one, like we had for Bobby-John. Oh God, and baby food. Wait, does he even need to –_

“What do nephilim eat?” he asks.

“They are not different from human infants in their development” Cas informs them.

_Yep. Baby food it is._

Dean groans.

“What are we even doing?”

“Protecting an innocent” Cas answers.

Their eyes meet in the rear view mirror and something strange stirs in Dean’s gut.

“Dean, the road”.

_Trust Sam to ruin the moment._

“We should give him a name” Cas announces when they are back at the bunker.

“Matthew” Dean answers immediately. He was the one holding Kelly’s hand. He remembers her frantic stammering during the delivery.

“It was Kelly’s father’s name. She wanted it.”

Cas nods.

“Matthew.”

They don’t talk about his last name.

Yet.

Rowena shows up when they call, miracle of miracles, and performs the ritual, so they know Matt won’t fly off to do anything babies would do if they had superpowers. Whatever that is.

Dean’s got other things to think about anyway.

Because, as it turns out…

Caring for a baby, with Cas?

It’s surprisingly easy.

Dean has no idea why, but they settle into a pattern right from the get go.

Somehow, night shifts usually end up as him and Cas both being up to take care of Matt.

Cas is an angel of course, he doesn’t need to sleep, but Dean finds he’s much better rested if he gets to either see the little guy fed or do it himself. Even though he loses sleep.

He never said it made sense.

Neither does the fact that it becomes a common occurrence for him either falling asleep with Matt on Cas’ bed or Cas following him to his room to watch over him again.

And maybe that turns into more. Always sitting in the same booth in restaurants. Not even flinching when they are mistaken for a family in public. Just automatically reaching for Matt when Cas gets up from the sofa.  

And then comes the night when they’ve brought Matt to bed and Dean’s just feeling a little horny, and Cas is important and attractive and right there, and things… happen.

As he stated before.

It’s an accident.

He accidentally adopted a kid and got into an actual healthy relationship with his best friend, who’s using a very male vessel.

It could happen to anyone.

Dean doesn’t realize immediately though. It’s not his fault, okay? It has just all gone so well, felt so natural.

Eventually, even he can’t fail to comprehend what’s been going on, though.

“Oh my god” he says one day, about six months after Matt has joined them.

“What is it?” Sam asks.

As if this situation could not be any weirder, Dean’s actually having his revelation while eating a healthy breakfast and drinking water.

What? Cas keeps nagging him about his cholesterol levels.

“I’m a gay Dad. Like, super-gay. As in, Cas and I are raising a son together while doing the do gay.”

Sam blinks, slowly.

“Yes. I was aware of that. And I think, in your case, “bisexual” would be the appropriate –“

But Dean doesn’t have time for that.

He rushes out of the kitchen and finds Cas in the library, reading Dr. Seuss to Matt.

“I love you” he breathes.

“Sorry?” Cas asks, interrupting Matt’s story time. Not that he seems particularly upset.

_I’ve told him a thousand times he doesn’t get the words yet. Must be Cas’ damn voice that’s so mesmerizing. Don’t I know it._

“I love you. Both of you. But, like – I love you. As in, I – I just love you, okay?”

“I’ve suspected it for a while” Cas deadpans.

“Oh? Tell me, Mr. smarty pants, when did you – “

Cas stands up and kisses him.

“I think Winchester is a perfectly acceptable last name.”

“You’d have to marry me” Dean says stupidly, extending his left index finger towards Matt, who grabs it eagerly.

His boy is getting strong.

“If you want, of course” he corrects himself. “And there’d be no official wedding, but I’m sure we can round up a few friends – “

Cas just kisses him again.

It’s answer enough.


	81. With These Wings

It started out slowly.

There was just – nothing to worry about.

He was going on forty, after all. A few twinges in his back were nothing to consider. Neither was his back itching. So what if his skin was dry.

Dean had much more important things to consider.

For example the fact that a short while ago, he and Cas had definitely become a _them_.

As in, doing the do. Sharing a bed. Kissing. Cuddling when Sam couldn’t see. That kind of stuff.

True, Cas didn’t need to sleep, but he still spent his nights with Dean. Long gone were the times where Dean considered it creepy that he liked watching him sleep.

So yeah, things had been kind of awesome (gentle mocking from Sam about rose-tinted vision notwithstanding).

And if Cas really liked holding his hand in public and complimenting him, making waitresses coo over them on a regular, well…

Dean kind of liked it too.

And then came the day when he woke up and couldn’t get out of bed.

Normally, he would probably have made a joke because he was getting old, but that was the last thing on his mind considering his back was on fire.

He made a strangled noise.

Sam was on his side in an instant.

At least they’d wrapped up their last hunt the night before, Cas having made a detour to visit Claire.

“Back hurts” he managed to tell his brother.

“Let me check…”

He heard Sam swallow. That couldn’t be good.-

“What – “

“Just lie still. I’ll call Cas.”

His phone was already ringing, which had probably something to do with Cas being on his mind constantly these days.

“Cas? No, we’re alright, it’s just… Dean can’t get up… he’s in pain.”

He’d barely finished pronouncing “pain” before the flutter of wings told Dean that his boyfriend had arrived.

“Dean?”

He laid a gentle hand on his back –

But the pain stayed.

Dean made another noise.

The hand on his back again, stroking, soothing even if it couldn’t take the pain away.

“I’ll return soon. There’s something – I will have to ask Joshua. Please, Sam, try and keep him as comfortable as possible”.

Cas disappeared.

Sam was stuck helping Dean find a position he didn’t want to scream in agony in.

Turned out he could lie on his side with minimal discomfort.

It was something.

“How does it feel?” Sam asked.

“Not good” he answered through gritted teeth.

Sam sighed, gently sitting down next to him.

“I know that. I was just hoping I could help, do some research…”

“Sammy…”

He knew that his brother just wanted to make him feel better, of course. Dean took a deep breath and made the effort.

“It’s… a warm, heavy pain? Not hot like an infection, but warm, and it’s like… there’s something pulling at my muscles.”

Sam nodded.

“Cas can’t come back soon enough” Dean added.

“Isn’t that what you think every time he leaves?”

“Shut up Sam.”

Cas did return a few hours later just after Sam had left to get some grub.

Dean had against all odds managed to doze off when he was suddenly startled awake by Cas gathering him in his arms.

The pain was nothing when he felt Cas shake.

“Cas? What’s going on?”

“This is my fault” the angel admitted, his face pressed against Dean’s shoulder.

“What are you talking about? You did nothing wrong – “

Dean” he interrupted him gently. “I –“

He extracted himself from the hunter much gentler than he had grabbed him before.

He walked around the bed so Dean could look at him properly.

Oh God. Cas looked like crap.

Dean reached out to him and winced.

“Don’t!” Cas told him. “Please, Dean…”

“What’s going on?”

“The pain should go away in a few days if… if we decide to discontinue our relationship.”

That was it. Dean sat up, disregarding the pain flaring up in his back.

“What?”

“Dean, your back – “

“Who cares about my back?”

Their relationship had made Dean happier than he’d been in – well, ever. He wasn’t going to let Cas walk away because of something some feathered dick had told him.

“I want an explanation” he announced.

“I will tell you everything, but only if you lie down again…”

Dean had just settled down on the bed once more when Sam came back.

“Hey, Cas. Did you – “

“Oh yeah, he figured something out alright. Turns out the magical cure is us breaking up without me getting a say – “

“Dean, I told you I would explain”.

“Then freaking start already!”

Cas sighed.

“Humans and angels… There’s a reason humans don’t survive the birth of a nephilim. The two were never supposed to interact much, let alone fall in love. But our Father… he realized that sometimes it was more than lust that brought the two together. But carrying a nephilim was still incredibly dangerous.”

“Cas, I can’t really give birth…”

“Father has never made a difference between the genders. The point is, at times when… when the couple truly loves each other” Cas said softly, “a special bond would be created – not unlike that we already share – to ensure they could be together forever, on earth and in Heaven.”

“And how does that make my back hurt?”

He was glad he was lying down because the answer would have knocked him flat.

“You are growing wings”.

Stupidly, the first thing that came to his mind was “I hate flying”.

Sam snorted before asking, “Won’t that hurt him permanently?”

“No. Once the wings are grown, the pain will vanish. And while Dean will be stronger and quicker than he has before, my powers will diminish slightly so we’re evenly matched.”

“But that won’t happen if we split up” Dean said quietly.

“No.”

Sam realized he was intruding on a private moment and quietly excused himself. It was Dean’s decision to make.

“So what exactly does this bond entail? You said we’d be together forever…”

“We would. You’d essentially… become like me.”

“Immortal?”

Cas nodded.

“I could fly though, right? So I could go to Heaven and see Sammy once…” he trailed off. Sam’s demise was not something he was good with thinking about. Ever.

“Yes, but Dean… no one could tell me how bad the pain will get before you… And do you… forever is a long time.”

But Dean already knew the answer.

Hell, what else could he do? Saying no meant waiting forever in Heaven, if he even got that far, for Cas to drop in.

And Dean wasn’t good at waiting.

Especially since he had found the one guy who actually made him feel good about himself, and was dumb enough to want him back.

How could he give that up?

Life was never going to be normal anyway.

Plus, more strength could only be useful for hunts.

“I’m sure, Cas. This was never going to be a short term thing anyway.”

Cas chuckled.

“It’s going to be a bit longer than “short term” indeed.”

Dean would never admit it, but he thought Cas was adorable when he did the quoty fingers thing.

“Come here” he mumbled. “This is going to get worse before it gets better and I deserve a good cuddle.”

A flash of guilt crossed Cas’ face (making Dean feel worse) before he complied.

Dean was right.

The pain got worse over the next few days, and soon fever swept through his body as well, his head aching, his mind clouded.

He was pretty sure Cas and Sam stayed at his side the whole time, but he couldn’t say for certain.

Once, he woke up semi-aware, and it was dark, and he could hear his lover pray desperately, _Please, Father, he is suffering, do not –_

He fell asleep again.  

And then it ended.

He had no idea what day it was, but he had just woken up and he felt good.

No, scratch that.

He felt _amazing_.

Better than he had before, that was for sure.

He turned around, surprised to find Cas asleep next to him.

The… bond must have been formed. Cas was weaker now, closer to human than he’d been ever since he got his Grace back.

And Dean…

He already felt that they wouldn’t need to eat and sleep much.

He gently sat up, not wanting to disturb Cas’ rest yet.

Dean was not surprised to find Sam asleep on the floor.

He got out of bed and shook his shoulder.

“Wh – Dean!” Sam beamed.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

Sam shook his head, chuckling to himself.

“What?”

“I can tell. Have you looked in a mirror yet?”

Rather than answering, Dean went into the bathroom.

Huh. He didn’t look a day older than thirty.

And probably never would again, if what Cas told him was true.

That would take some getting used to, especially when everyone else they knew grew old. He swallowed.

No. He’d made his decision, and he would do it again.

Then he remembered something else and quickly took off his t-shirt.

His back looked like it always had. There were no wings he could see.

“They’re on a different plane now” Cas said. “I can show you how to manifest them”.

“Does this mean I can see yours properly too?” Dean asked, excited at the prospect.

“Please tell me this is not a euphemism” Sam called out from the room.

He rolled his eyes.

“Come on, Sammy, you know me.”

“Exactly.”

Cas drew him in for a soft kiss.

“I bet your wings are beautiful” he muttered.

Dean blushed.

“You can’t reduce a guy to his wings, Cas.”

“You said it wasn’t a euphemism!”

Over the next few days, Dean tested out the limits of his new powers.

Apparently he could heal most injuries, he didn’t need to eat and sleep often (although a few times a week) and he could talk to Cas telepathically which was a huge bonus on hunts.

But he still hadn’t allowed Cas to show him how to manifest his wings.

Not because he ddin’t want to, but because he knew Cas would want them to fly together and – well –

Flying in a plane was scary enough, thank you.

He could tell his boyfriend was waiting, however.

He just kept stealing these small glances at Dean’s back, his eyes sparkling with anticipation.

And so, once they had returned to the bunker, Dean decided to let him see.

“Hey, Cas” he said one night after Sam had gone to bed, “How do I go about showing off my wings?”

Cas’ smile was wide and dazzling.

“It’s easy”.

Dean snorted.

“no, really – you just have to will them into this plane.”

“How am I supposed – “

“Close your eyes and concentrate” Cas instructed him, taking his hand.

Okay. He took a deep breath and complied.

_Alright. Wings. Show up. Manifest or whatever. You sure hurt like a son of a bitch when you were growing, so you better –_

Cas’ gasped.

“Dean – they’re beautiful.”

He opens his eyes to find –

“Not as beautiful as yours” he breathed.

Black, slightly shining wings, and all so Cas, so unmistakably and wonderfully Cas –

His own looked boring in comparison. Green and brown feathers, intertwined, as if –

Cas gently touched one of Dean’s wings with his own.

Oh.

Now that wasn’t boring at all.

Another few weeks later, Cas and Sam having been trying to encourage him at every turn, Dean finally agreed to try and fly.

Cas suggested he would be more comfortable with his wings being visible, so they were standing in a field with Sam trying not to stare at the shadows his human eyes could see on his brother’s and practically brother-in-law’s back.

“You’ll catch me if I fall, right?” Dean asked again.

“You won’t fall” Cas promised him. “And I’ll be by your side”.

“As always” he said softly.

Cas smiled happily at him.

Sam cleared his throat.

“Dean, not that I am not happy for you, but wasn’t there some flying you’re supposed to be doing?”

“Shut it, bitch.”

“Jerk” Sam shot back.

Dean took a deep breath. He could do this.

“Alright”.

“Just let it happen” Cas said softly.

They weren’t going to fly far. Just a quick round around the freaking state, according to Cas, who one of these days really should learn the definition of “far”.

He could do this.

He reached out to take Cas’ hand and extended his wings.

And together they flew.


	82. Talk

People talk. That’s just what people do.

Especially in such a small town as theirs.

And nothing gets tongues wagging like the news that Dean Winchester will return to become the new fire chief.

Dean Winchester, who many remember as the bad boy in high school who graduated against everyone’s expectations and left the town, seemingly never to return, on that same day. His little brother, the beloved town lawyer Sam Winchester, never told anyone what happened exactly, but people could easily guess. Their father never was an easy man to live with.

After that, the brothers didn’t talk for years, and Dean Winchester was slowly forgotten by all but a select few.

Whenever Dean’s name was mentioned to the businessman Crowley, who was voted “most likely to succeed” in the same year the Winchester left and has since done everything to prove he deserves the title, he’d shake his head and smile a secretive, smug smile. Why, people didn’t understand. Then again, their friendship always was baffling to most. Why would the never-do-well and the clever ambitious student get along in the first place?

The point is: Dean Winchester was never supposed to come back, and if he did, certainly not as their very own fire chief. If anything, people thought he’d come back as the drunkard his father was, once upon a time.

Sure, they knew Sam and him made contact a few years ago, and that their relationship has by all appearances progressed well, even though he sadly kept silent about it. Now, he’s all smiles and furnishing the house next to his and Sarah’s.

People are curious. Of course they are.

But not even the nosiest could have anticipated Dean Winchester breezing back into town in the same car he left in, a cheeky grin on his face and his husband at his side.

Husband.

Dean Winchester has a husband.

Dean Winchester, who had a different girl on his arm every week, who was the prom king to Lisa Braeden’s queen, who never even looked at another man that way, as far as people know.

His old man wouldn’t have been happy about it, that’s for sure.

The people soon learn that Crowley knew all about that. As he tells Meg in the grocery store (and if he didn’t want people to hear, he really shouldn’t talk about it in public, he’s live in the town his whole life, he _knows_ ), “Four years now. Dean was still too stupid to contact his brother, and they needed a best man… how could I have said no?”

The people listen, but they don’t learn more about the enigma that is Castiel Winchester.

They know he’s an EMT, and that he and Dean met on the job.

From what Doctor Moseley says, he’s good at his job. Anna, his partner, knows a bit more; seems he’s quite and efficient, minds his own business.

All in all, he sounds like the complete opposite of Dean, who’s already reacquainting himself with their hometown and throwing out invitations to a house warming party left and right.

People are curious, and so they flock to the Winchester house –

The new Winchester house. They haven’t quite gotten used to there being two of those yet.

That one party is enough to make one thing very obvious.

The elder Winchester and his husband are over-the-heels, passionately, irrevocably in love.

Many a young woman can remember going on a date with Dean (it should be awkward to make small talk with Castiel but isn’t) but he never looked at a single one of them as he does at his husband. They get lost in each other’s eyes for minutes at a time. Then there are the casual touches, the gentle smiles.

“You think that’s bad?” Crowley comments to one of his and Dean’s old high school teachers. “Should’ve seen them when they first met. So much pining going on.”

Someone reminds him he wasn’t even living in the same city as them, then.

He rolls his eyes.

“Skype is a wonderful invention, my dear”.

Life goes on.

People talk. People watch.

And they learn.

They learn that Cas is quiet while Dean is loud, that he’s friendly and has a strange sense of humour, and most importantly that he is a good neighbour.

They also learn that Dean Winchester, the same Dean Winchester who parents used to warn their daughters about, is the best fire chief they’ve ever had; and that Cas is quite as adept at his job as his husband.

This doesn’t mean they gossip any less about the fact that Dean and Cas make sure their small town gets its very first pride parade or that, two years later, they adopt twin boys.

People talk. It’s what people do.

But sometimes, they have nice things to say.


	83. Brother Matchmaker

Gabriel isn’t right often. In fact, most of the time, no matter what he says, Jimmy can assume he is dead wrong about the topic of the day and move on, no problem. But he has the annoying habit of being right about one thing, and one thing only.

_The One._

It will never be quite without mortification that he remembers that he originally had a crush on Amelia’s older sister in high school until Gabriel drew him to the side and very firmly told him “You’re barking up the wrong tree, kiddo”.

And Michael? The only reason he ever spoke to Kate in the first place was that Gabriel kept pestering him about “that cute colleague of yours I met that one time in the corridor”.

Gabriel himself is, of course, married happily to Kali, although sometimes when he hears them fight, Jimmy wonders how she bears it.

But this time – this time he’s certain Gabriel’s magic matchmaking mastermind (as he dubbed it himself, naturally) has veered in the wrong direction.

“The chef from your favourite restaurant. You want to introduce Castiel based on the fact that he makes good desserts” he sighs after Gabriel has told him about his plan one night.

Kali has taken the precaution of playing with Amelia and Claire in the garden. He should have known something was up when Gabriel wanted to speak to him alone.

“No, I want to introduce Cassie based on the fact that Dean is meant to be our next brother-in-law and they’ll live happily ever after and make adorable babies.”

He grimaces.

“First of all, they can hardly make babies. Second of all, you think Dean is meant to be with Castiel because of what reason exactly?”

“I just know. I always do!”

“Gabriel” he tries, patiently. Normally he wouldn’t try to change his mind – he knows better.

But this is Castiel they’re talking about. His wonderful, kind, good twin brother who’s been disappointed in love often enough.

“You’ve told me about Dean before, remember?”

Of course Gabriel had to introduce himself to the man who made “the best apple pie I ever tasted” a few months ago. Since then, they’ve become something like friends.

Even if Jimmy’s ready to bet that means he annoys Dean to get free dessert on a regular basis.

“Yeah. So?”

“You didn’t have the feeling that he was perfect for Castiel when you first met him, otherwise you’d already have done something about it” Jimmy points out.

“It just hit me a few days ago, that’s not – “

“Not to mention what you told me about him. Loves his car, football, loud, outgoing – what exactly gives you the impression he’d be a good fit for Castiel?”

His brother is an introvert who’d rather stay at home reading a good book than watch a game any day. Someone who likes to take long walks. Someone who now and then gets lost in his head.

Jimmy loves him and wouldn’t change one aspect of his personality if he could, but nothing about Dean seems to indicate he and his brother would even get along.

Gabriel pouts.

“You don’t trust me? You didn’t complain when I picked out your wife for you”.

He shudders.

“Please never claim you “picked out Amelia” for me”.

“Or?” Gabriel’s eyes are sparkling.

“Or I am telling her and Kali”.

That shuts him up, thank God.

But he doesn’t let go of his plan, as Jimmy learns soon enough.

After all, it’s not often that Gabriel invites their whole family to a “nice dinner in this restaurant I mentioned… The chef’s a friend”.

Jimmy says nothing. What’s the worst that can happen? Castiel doesn’t make new friends easily, so they’ll probably just endure some awkward silences, and that shouldn’t be too bad, especially since the rest of their family will be there.

Castiel is uncharacteristically the last to arrive at the restaurant that Saturday. Gabriel is brimming with nervous energy, occupied with waiting for their brother to arrive, so the chef who arrives at their table almost immediately introduces himself.

He’s certainly handsome, and seems nice enough; but his big, easy-going grin certainly speaks for itself. This man loves attention, and meeting new people in general.

_This will not end well_ , Jimmy thinks with some perhaps ill-advised satisfaction.

But in fact things go…

Dean has just returned to their table after a quick check that everything’s alright in the kitchen – he and Gabriel seem to genuinely like each other, and he’s even jokingly flirting a little with Kali – when his brother snaps his fingers.

“Knew I forgot something! Here, Dean”.

“Thanks man” he says as he grabs the can of cat food Gabriel’s holding, “didn’t have time to go shopping tonight” he explains to the rest of the table, “and the stray cat on our street is used to me putting out a bowl for her”.

“That’s very kind of you” breathes Castiel, who’s come up to their table in his usual quiet fashion.

He’s – staring at Dean like he just got struck by lightning.

“You know, just trying to – “ Dean looks up and their eyes meet.

And Jimmy watches the confident, charming chef transform into a stuttering mess.

Castiel blushes.

Gabriel starts to grin like the cat that got the cream.

Oh dear. Jimmy searches Amelia’s gaze.

They’ll never hear the end of this.


	84. Wings Spread

It’s not… forbidden, per se.

It would just be… highly unusual.

And anyway, Cas never talked about anything long-term or moving in with Dean after graduation or stuff like that.

Angels and humans just didn’t stay together after college. Everyone knew that. Too different, most would say. Not only because they have wings and are slightly stronger, but because they like things neater and cleaner than humans, a quiet environment.

Dean is ready to call bullshit on that. They were roommates (who occasionally fooled around, he reminds himself again, that’s all it was) for two years until his graduation last week.

Yeah, and maybe, he’s moved into an apartment with a big balcony and open spaces and other stuff angels love, but Cas hasn’t even come to check it out yet, so who cares.

He’s here because Cas is his friend, he’ll watch him graduate, and then they’ll go their separate ways.

Hell, it’s not like anyone else is going to be there for him. His family all but disowned him because he had the audacity to switch from theology to medicine. Angelic _and_ human.

Small wonder he doesn’t want to be saddled with the stupid human and his small engineering degree.

Dean swallows and enters the hall.

Way more decorations than last week. Typical. Everything needs to be more special for angels. Most of them are just dicks with wings, really.

And Dean definitely doesn’t want wings, thank you very much. He’s very comfortable walking and driving. No flight to the death for him.

True, Cas has offered to take him flying a few times. He declined. Not that much because of the flying thing (although don’t get him wrong, that was definitely a factor) but because… well. It would only have made things awkward to have been carried around by Cas Superman-and-Lois-Lane-style.

“Dean!”

Before he even has time to look for Cas, his an- his friend his strolling towards him, robe billowing, tie askew, wings wide and puffy.

Good he’s never looked more beautiful.

“You came!”

His eyes look even bluer than usual. Or maybe it’s just that Dean hasn’t seen him in a few days.

God, what is he going to do in the next weeks? Months? Years?

“Of course. That’s what friends are for”.

His wings droop slightly. Dean frowns. He’s come to know Cas pretty well, and that dip usually means he’s unhappy.

“Hey, is everything…”

“Dean! How nice of you to come!”

And there’s Cas’ annoying friend Balthazar. Perfect. Dean rolls his eyes.

It’s not that he dislikes him. Okay, he does.

But mostly because he keeps hitting on Dean’s –

On Cas. And Cas is not interested. At least Dean doesn’t think so.

It’s not like they ever talked about it, like they ever talked about the nights they spent together or that time he helped Cas groom his wings…

“Balthazar”.

Maybe they’ll end up together after all. Balthazar’s going to be a doctor too. Maybe they’ll be the hot shot couple everyone envies.

“Big day!”

Balthazar grins, his wings flapping up and down. Dean resists the urge to roll his eyes again. Never one for holding back.

“I bet”.

“How’s your new place? Cassie tells me he hasn’t been over yet”.

Cas flinches. His wings droop lower. Again.

Did Dean say anything during his own graduation? Did he hurt Cas without noticing? There’s no reason for him not to come over.

“I won’t spoil his surprise then” he answers.

Cas’ eyes widen.

“You want me to visit you?”

“Yes, Cas. Matter of fact, it would have been nice if you just picked up your phone once in a while wo I could tell you I’ve been expecting you. Graduation or not, we’re friends” he snaps, “In case you haven’t noticed.”

That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Cas still looks sad.

He doesn’t understand.

Balthazar sighs dramatically. One of his wings whacks Dean.

“Hey!”

“Oh, so you do feel like a normal human being. Just wanted to check.”

“Balthazar –“

A cackling voice over the speaker informs them that the ceremony is about to start.

“That’s it” Balthazar decides and grabs Cas’ arm.

“We’re not going to be late. And afterwards…” he glares at Dean “we’ll find you again. Someone needs to make you two see sense”.

He drags Cas away. Dean goes looking for a place to sit down, as confused as he can be.

Why is Cas looking so sad on his graduation day? True, Dean was a little bummed too, but he had a reason. The same that’s about to get his diploma.

He still cheers for his friend, of course. He’s not a dick.

He fears the worst when Balthazar literally has to drag Cas back to him, however.

“So” Balthazar says, crossing his arms in front of his chest, “are you going to ask or should I?”

“What –“ Dean begins at the same time Cas hisses, “There’s nothing – “

“Oh, nothing? How nice.” He turns to Dean.

“Did you know that Cas asking you to fly with him meant him proposing you move in together, eventually buy a house with a picket fence and adopt several beautiful children?”

“Balthazar!”

“What?” Dean asks.

“Cas, is that true?”

Cas shuffles his feet. His wings droop even lower than before.

“I know it’s not… I know people expect us to…” he mutters.

Dean sighs.

“Cas, you idiot. You know I am scared of flying. Of course I would have said yes – “

Cas’ meets his eyes again, wings spreading wide in astonishment.

“I’ll leave you to it, gentleman”.

Neither of them hears Balthazar.

A short time later, Dean finds that flying isn’t that scary when he’s being kissed by his boyfriend.


	85. Bewitching Rules

Witches do not get married.

And witches don’t …

Well, they don’t get married.

That’s what his aunt Naomi told him, and she taught him everything he knows.

So in the small village he has come to call his home, Castiel stays alone.

He’s fine. He has his cottage, his familiar, the other animals of the wood.

And he has those who come for help, crying, scared.

His magic soothes and protects, heals and cares for them.

In return, he never goes a day hungry or cold.

Yes, Castiel is content with his life.

And then the new blacksmith and his younger brother arrive in town.

They would have met at some point regardless, but the younger brother happens to have a cold, so Dean marches right to him to introduce himself and ask for a remedy.

He grins when Castiel opens the door.

“Hello. I’m Dean. Look at you. Not exactly how I would have pictured a witch.”

“I assure you, we cannot change our appearance indefinitely. This is mots certainly how I look like, and I am a witch.”

“Oh, I know that. Just didn’t think you’d be so handsome.”

He winks at him and Castiel, unaccustomed to such advances, blushes.

_Witches do not invite the attention of others, Castiel._

He can hear Aunt Naomi’s words even now.

So he quickly prepares his remedy and sends him on his way.

But Dean Winchester keeps coming back.

Or rather, keeps breaking the rules.

The rules are everything.

His aunt taught him.

But barely two weeks after they arrived (and one and a half weeks after Sam was completely cured from his cold) Dean ruins a tale as old as time.

“But I was going to send her to Father Frank…” Cas complains that evening. When he heard what happened, he stormed over to the blacksmith’s.

“Everyone knows he’s crazy. I know he’s crazy and I have only lived here for a week”.

“Two. And that’s not point – “

“Then what is? He’d probably have given her a poison to make it seem like she was dead or something – “

“And then Mercutio would have killed himself and he and Tybalda would have been laid to rest together and their families would have made peace!”

“They did! And Mercutio and Tybalda are going to marry regardless!”

“But that’s not the way things are done!”

“Who says they have to be done in a certain way?”

“But – but – it would have been beautiful and tragic and – “

“I don’t care about that. All I see is two kids who are going to get their happily ever after despite _the rules_.”

Cas storms off. There is clearly no point in talking to this madman.

But Dean Winchester… just keeps showing up.

He even follows him into the woods.

“What do you want?” he demands, turning around.

“Hey, you are the one walking towards the ribwort”.

His eyes widen.

“You know about…” he trails off.

“Sure. Did a bit of research after… after our mom died. Wanted to make sure… it didn’t happen to anyone else. Needed your help for Sam’s cold, though. Nothing helps against a normal cold”.

Dean looks away. Cas swallows.

“That’s not even the best place for ribwort” he finally says. “I can show you a better one”.

Dean’s smile brightens his day and the rest of the week.

Witches don’t get married.

Witches don’t allow themselves to be courted by anyone.

But then why does Dean keep showing up?

And why does Cas let him in all the time?

But he does. Without a fail.

Dean will show up, all smiling and charming, and Cas will open his door and Dean will leave a few hours later knowing more about all kinds of healing plants.

And he’ll smile and he’ll laugh and he’ll squeeze Cas’ shoulder and the witch will fall a bit faster.

Sam, he soon learns when Dean starts bringing him along, is good company as well. Just out of his teens and eager to learn. Dean couldn’t be prouder when he shows signs of magical talent.

That of course means that Cas takes him on as an apprentice.

When he lectures him about the rules, Sam just asks “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why can’t a witch marry someone? Dean would marry you on the spot”.

He blushes furiously and stammers how Sam is wrong.

It doesn’t really convince him.

Not if Dean showing up the next day with flowers, all insecure and, for lack of a better word, cute, is anything to go by.

Cas knows he should send him away.

Cas knows he’s not allowed to touch.

Cas knows he’s not supposed to want to.

And he does anyway.

And when Dean reaches for him –

Aunt Naomi comes to their wedding to very publicly disapprove while showering them with gifts.

“I’ll say it’s not officially forbidden” she mutters as she hands Cas another good luck charm.

Dean will remind her of it when she holds their third adopted child in her arms.


	86. Drugs And Arts

Jimmy is perfectly aware that this is not how things should go.

In normal circumstances, he would stand in Dean’s shop now, demanding that the mechanic treat his brother right.

Instead, he’s banging on the door of his brother’s studio during his very own lunch break.

Who cares if he doesn’t get to eat. This is important.

His brother opens with his usually lazy grin, hair askew, eyes ablaze, his painting clothes invariably stained with so many colours it almost hurts to look.

He’s not smelling like weed for once, at least.

Without a word, Jimmy pushes past him.

“Hello to you too, dearest brother.”

“Castiel, this has gone too far.”

His brother should be aware that it’s serious when he uses his full name –

He rolls his eyes.

“What exactly, this time? You’ve been holding me the same lecture every week since we turned sixteen.”

Jimmy sighs.

“You know what I mean. Dean. You know, Dean, my friend who I introduced to you in the mistaken assumption you wouldn’t go after him just to prove you could?”

In his defence, he never thought Dean and his brother would get along. Dean’s a man who takes his duties very seriously, loves with all his heart, and never seems to stop working.

Right now, he’s busy financing at Stanford, for crying out loud.

On the other side – Cas.

Jimmy loves his brother, he always has, but Cas shirks his responsibilities whenever he can, actually risked becoming an artist (to this day, he still believes it was sheer luck that one gallery agreed to host his pictures for only a small fee and he became successful) and has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a few months, at most. If you can even call his “friends with benefits” situations relationships.

“What about Dean?”

“What about – Cas, whatever happened last night, he thinks you are dating!”

Of course Dean does. When Jimmy dropped by the shop this morning, as he tends to do when he’s not in a hurry, he was whistling and informed him that his and Cas’ date had gone well last night.

Only Cas doesn’t do dates. He never has. He’d rather smoke pot and draw than actually listen to the opinions of someone else over a nice dinner.

Which means they did something Jimmy does not want to think about ever, and poor Dean came to the conclusion that they are a couple now.

“Jimmy” Cas sighs.

“No! Look, I’ve let a lot of things slide – like your “recreational” hobbies – but I will not – “

“Jimmy – “

“Dean has been working his ass off for his family all his life, he doesn’t deserve the heartbreak – “

“Jimmy – “

“Do you even know what he’s been through – no of course you don’t because that would mean you actually got to know him before – “

“Jim!”

“I hate it when you call me that!”

“And I hate it when you talk about Dean as if he’s – as if we’re – as if it’s a fling”.

Cas is blushing.

“Cas…” Jimmy says slowly, deliberately.

“Can’t you see it?” his brother asks, shuffling his feet. “I thought you noticed and just didn’t say anything because… you wanted to wait if it stuck.”

“If what stuck?”

Now he’s helplessly lost.

“I quit” Cas says. “I haven’t smoked pot in a month. Haven’t had anything stronger in two”.

“You…”

To say that he’s overjoyed would be an understatement, but he still doesn’t understand what this has to do with Dean.

“Cas, this is wonderful news, just – why now?”

God knows he and Amelia have been trying for years to get him off the “harmless” drugs he insisted were just a bit of fun.

“You know why.”

He doesn’t.

“Cas –“

“I’ve been asking him out since you introduced us, alright?” Cas tells him. “Through the last year, he’s all I’ve been thinking about, and I thought if I could just – I thought I might get it out of my system. And then I realized he’s exactly as good a man as you always say he is, and I – “

He shrugs helplessly and gestures towards his newest painting. Jimmy hasn’t examined it yet.

His breath catches in his throat.

It’s a portrait of Dean, a portrait like those Cas only ever painted of their parents and Jimmy’s family.

A labour of love.

“Oh”.

Cas nods.

“He told me… He told me he’d go out with me if I quit the drugs. Apparently his brother had a brush with them that almost cost him his scholarship… harder stuff than I was using, but still.”

“And you chose Dean.”

“He’s worth it”.

“I know he is”.

It’s not even a lie. Jimmy has known Dean for five years, and they met when he grabbed Claire after she’d broken away from him and almost ran into the street.

“I…” Cas studies his own painting, an expression Jimmy has never seen before on his face. “I want to know where this is going.”

“You can always count on me as best man”.

He makes good of his promise three years later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized I'd been kind of lazy putting these up... Alright, that's a lie. A review reminded me this existed. Nevertheless, hope you enjoyed all of this!


	87. Mirror

It’s getting ridiculous.

Dean trying to get Cas laid is nothing new, but… this?

Sam suppresses a groan when the waitress approaches them again. He knows what that glimmer in Dean’s eyes means. She did, after all, smile at Cas when they ordered.

“Hi. My… sadly shy but exceedingly handsome friend wants you to know you have really pretty eyes”.

She giggles.

And Dean never notices the important things.

That Cas always, always shoots him a sad look when he does something like this.

And that Dean keeps commenting on Cas’ appearance in a way that’s… well…

“Not entirely platonic” may be an understatement.

Small wonder it never works. Dean talks about Cas like a besotted boyfriend, for crying out loud.

He’s not the only one who sees it either.

One evening, Crowley tags along because he does that these days, having abdicated and apparently too little to do.

Sam has escaped to the bar because he can’t stand Dean’s poor attempts to get Cas laid without realizing who he actually wants Cas to get laid by. Crowley soon joins him.

“Do you think Squirrel will eventually realize?” he asks casually.

“Realize what?” Sam mutters, slightly annoyed that his train of thought was broken.

By the King of Hell, of all people.

Although he seems to spend far less time down there, these days. He certainly keeps showing up at all hours.

Crowley rolls his eyes.

“Samantha, please. I was inquiring when Dean will finally realize  _who_  he wants our dear choir boy to do the horizontal tango with”.

Sam stays silent.

“Work with me here, it has to frustrate you too.”

Frustration is not the word that comes to mind, listening to Crowley. He sounds almost… jealous.

Sam has always had his suspicions that his and Dean’s “Summer of love” was… well…

He’d rather not learn more though, thank you very much.

“He just needs some time” he says to distract himself from the images popping up in his mind.

“If we give him anymore, Cassie’s going to decide Dean doesn’t want him. He already looks like someone took away his trench coat and his pimp car”.

It’s true; Cas is looking at Dean with that sad wistful expression again. How Dean can’t see it, Sam will never know.

“I have an idea. Want to see how Dean reacts?”

Sam is about to argue that he’s pretty sure whatever Crowley’s come up with is not a good way to promote his brother’s happiness, but he’s already vanished in full view of everyone.

Sam sighs when the bartender does a double take and smiles at him weakly to convey that no, there wasn’t a snob in an expensive suit sitting right next to him only a second ago.

Which doesn’t help exactly when Crowley shows up again. Thankfully, the bartender just dismisses the whole thing.

“Do you really have to do that?” he hisses.

“Most people are much less observant than you think. Anyway, you should be thanking me. I just set everything in motion.”

“What do you mean…”

At this moment another waitress approaches Dean and Cas. When Sam sees Crowley’s smile, he understands.

“You do realize Cas can recognize demons, right?”

“That’s why she’s not a demon. Just a starlet from LA. Told you I know a lot of people”.

“And what’s she – “

Crowley snaps his fingers. The sounds from the bar dim, but he suddenly can hear precisely what Dean and Cas are talking about.

“But Billy Pilgrim being a normal guy in a weird situation and just living his life instead of doing something awesome with his knowledge is kind of the whole deal of the story, Cas, plus he was holding lectures anyway…”

Sam starts to wonder if he’s the only one Dean hid his apparent love of books from when Crowley remarks, “Do not even try to convince him that  _Cat’s Cradle_  is a far superior novel. Believe me, I’ve tried”.

Dean gives the waitress a brilliant smile. Cas is trying to make himself smaller so he won’t…

“Excuse me, but my sadly quiet but exceedingly good-looking friend here…”

To Sam’s surprise, the woman throws back her head and laughs.

“Alright, you two, stop it. No one’s going to buy it. What is this, a bet?”

“What do you mean?” Dean asks, obviously confused.

She snorts.

“Do you even know how many guys hit on me regularly? And many do it for their friends. Pro tip: If you want me to believe you, don’t start by telling me how hot you think he is”.

Dean’s blushing and tries to stammer out an answer. She waves her hand in the air.

“Please. We’re not living in the Middle Ages anymore. You want him to know he’s handsome? Tell him.”

With that, she leaves the table, and Dean is too surprised to realize the supposed waitress didn’t even ask them if they wanted drinks.

“Dean?” Cas asks casually. “Do you really think I am handsome?”

“What? I – I mean, sure Cas. You’re a good-looking guy. Betcha all the ladies…”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Dean falls silent.

“Because I do think you are very attractive… in the same way women do. And I thought that maybe…”

Sam recognizes the look of desperation and determination on Dean’s face before he quite unceremoniously pulls Cas into a hot kiss.

“There. It doesn’t take much to light a fire once there’s a spark”.

Sam throws a glance at Crowley.

The demon looks… a bit sad, if he thinks about it.

“Another round?”


	88. Obviously

This is… going a bit too far.

It’s not that Sam doesn’t like hanging out with Crowley –

No, wait, that came out wrong –

Back up.

Point is, Crowley survived, although not even he has any idea how or why; nor does he seem at all sure about the circumstances of him waking up in front of the bunker with very diminished powers.

Dean, mother hen that he is, gave him a room, just like he did with Cas after they’d dealt with Satan’s spawn and God or whoever had deemed it fit had returned his angel human once more.

So they have the former King of Hell and an angel-turned-human living with them.

No big deal in their world.

But for God’s sake, someone explain to him where Dean and Cas disappeared to several hours ago and why Crowley is sitting with him in the library, annoying him.

Does he really have to comment on every line he reads?

“Crowley, don’t you have something better to do?”

He grimaces and throws his book down. Sam winces in sympathy.

“Well what am I supposed to do with Squirrel and Feathers being all over each other on their date?”

That’s blunt even for him, and Sam decides to say nothing.

He doesn’t immediately go back to his reading, though.

Dean and Cas dating. Yeah right. As if his brother would ever dare investigate his feelings for their friend.

It’s about as likely as… say… Crowley turning into their ally.

No, no, wait. Wrong simile.

Still very very improbable, though.

* * *

A few weeks later, it’s new moon and Garth comes to visit.

Sam doesn’t mean to overhear him talking to his girlfriend on the phone, he just happens to pass by his room at the time.

“Yes. You should see them. I don’t think Dean has ever been happier… And his boyfriend’s just as bad.”

Boyfriend?

Does Garth really think Dean and Cas are dating? Unless he thinks Dean and Crowley are dating, and Sam’s not touching that subject with a ten foot pole.

But they’ve not been acting any weirder than the usually do. Okay, there’s the staring, and the small touches, Dean’s especially bad in that regard, with constantly patting Cas’ shoulder to get his attention, or squeezing his forearm when he gets up from a table…

Alright, Sam will concede that for an outsider, it might, just might look like they are dating.

He could tell Garth the truth but…

In a way, it’s really freaking funny, and what Dean doesn’t know won’t hurt him. If he chuckles a bit at his brother’s expense, no one will know.

* * *

They’re on a case, Crowley tagging along because… he can.

“Alright” Sam decides. “We need to check out that waiter, but so that he doesn’t notice”.

“Easy enough” Dean says. “Cas, wanna go on a dinner date?”

“I have never been so surprised at anything… ever” Crowley drawls while Sam stares at his brother, wondering if Dean is finally losing his mind, playing Cas like that.

But Cas just… goes along with it.

“Of course, my love”.

Dena doesn’t even react and Sam can only watch them wordlessly as they leave, hand in hand, and don’t return for three hours.

“He’s clean” Dean announces just as Crowley whines, “Next time I want to be treated, Squirrel”.

Sam contemplates that he’s entered bizarro earth without even noticing, because since when does Dean not react when someone makes a gay joke about him?

When he thinks about it, he realizes that has actually been the case for a while, now.

And still the penny doesn’t drop.

* * *

When it does, it’s less dropping and more crashing into the ground at the speed of lightning.

It’s ten am and Dean hasn’t got up yet, which is unusual for him.

Sam knocks on his door and enters when he doesn’t get an answer.

What he finds is Dean and Cas cuddled close under the covers, fast asleep.

Before he can properly react to the sight of his brother and his best friend sleeping in the same bed, Dean cracks an eye open, mutters, “Tell ‘im to go ‘way, Cas”, snuggles back in and promptly passes out again.

Cas only opens his eyes marginally wider than Dean.

“Sam, your brother had a restless night, we’re sleeping in.”

Then he’s out again, too.

Sam stumbles back into the kitchen in a daze, where Crowley promptly bursts into laughter at the sight of him.

“You should see your face, Moose!”

That’s one way of learning that everyone in the world but Sam knew, apparently.

“Too bad you found out” the demon muses. “It’s been a while since I’ve had as much fun as watching you stumble around clueless”.

“Did Dean and Cas…”

Crowley’s smirk is enough to prove they were fully aware of what was going on.

Of course Sam is still going to congratulate his brother.

He’ll just strangle him afterwards.


	89. Monster Customs

Dean has never paid much attention to the world of the monsters. Sure, he sees them on the street constantly, and if one happens to be wheeled into the emergency room, he’ll do his outmost to save them – he’s had training for all kinds of anatomies.

But he’s never really cared for the rules monsters have between themselves, to the little details that make up their daily life, and why should he? He’s a human doctor, he mostly meets other humans, and in the rare cases when he has to interact with monsters, he manages to struggle through okay since both sides are aware they may seem strange to one another.

That said, he’s not entirely oblivious to how many still treat them. Only last month, he accompanied Charlie and her fairy girlfriend to the monsters right march, and he was proud to do so.

And yet he never considered the possibility that he might end up in a situation where…

He clears his throat and stars at the man in front of him. “Would you please repeat what you just told me?”

“I said, we should make it official in the human fashion too” he replies, completely serious, blue eyes fixed on Dean’s.

“The… human fashion” he says somewhat weakly, because the guy is holding a ring box in his hands and is looking at him as if he expects it to put it on. “What do you mean by that?”

His face falls. “I was just trying to follow the correct procedure… Humans wear rings when they get married, don’t you?”

“Yes we do, but I think I would have noticed it if I had got married to anyone.”

“We didn’t get married. We got mated.”

“Mat-“ the guy brushes past him as if he has any right to spend time at Dean’s place, when he’s sure he’s never seen him before –

No, he suddenly remembers as he watches the man stroll into his living room, his trench coat flapping behind him, that’s not true. He might not have paid much attention to the guy, but he remembers that coat. How well he remembers it.

_Wow. That’s one ugly trench coat lying there on the floor of Dean’s favourite coffee shop. It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that it fell off the chair it lies under, and that the man who’s sitting on it has no idea it did._

_Dean’s exhausted after a long surgery, but his sense of cleanliness still compels him to pick the coat up and throw it over the chair. “There. It fell off.”_

_Blue eyes look up at him, sparkling. “Thank you.”_

_Maybe if he weren’t so tired, Dean would ask himself why the man’s beaming, but he really doesn’t care. He just wants to go home and sleep. He turns and leaves._

_“Wait! You didn’t tell me your name! I’m castile Novak.”_

_“Dean Winchester” is all he replies as he more or less sleep-walks out of the shop._

Good God. Guy has to be a monster, based on his assumptions of human marriage ceremony. What has Dean done?

He walks into the living room, where the – Castiel has sat down, box open on the table.

It’s a nice ring, Dean will say that.

“Look, sorry, I don’t know exactly what happened there –“

“You have me back my coat.”

“Yeah, I did –“

“I’m a selkie.”

Selkies… selkies… Dean remembers his lesson on them. If selkies be brought in with any form of clothing resembling a jacket, keep it carefully because it’s the hide they need to transform into seals, and let them pick it up themselves when they are healed because handing it to them would mean that you are interested in mating –

“Oh.”

Now Castiel looks downright sad. “I’m sorry. It’s just – no one’s ever shown interest before, and –“

“In you?” he interrupts him because he can hardly believe it. He’s not exactly hard on the eyes.

Castiel isn’t meeting his eyes. “They say my hide is ugly.”

Dean feels a stab of guilt remembering what he thought of the trench coat when he first saw it. “That’s not…” he breaks off, then tries again. “Look, I get what you’re saying, but… could we try being friends first?”

“You want to be my friend?” he asks, finally looking up again.

“Yeah, why not” he shrugs, “Everyone could use more friends.”

The smile Castiel gives him in return almost makes him want to pick up the coat again. But only almost.

Ten months later

Cas has just arrived for their weekly movie night. “Can we watch Star Wars again? I particularly liked the –“

He turns around. “Dean, I just put it on the coat rack, why would you bring it to the living room –“

Dean holds out Cas’ trench coat, blushing.

Cas’ eyes widen.

He steps up to him and takes the coat out of his hands before dragging him into a kiss.


	90. Watch Dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!

It’s one way to meet someone, Dean supposes. He’s walking down to his office, contemplating the lectures he’ll hold later that day – The Depictions of Angels in the Popular Culture – when he stumbles across someone who, apart from the rumpled trench coat he’s wearing, might pass for a messenger of the Lord himself.

He’s holding up an umbrella – sensible enough, considering it has been raining since he got up, and only a confused professor like Dean would actually manage to leave his umbrella behind – and staring intently at the building that contains the Institute for Social Research.

He’s also standing right in the middle of the road.

Dean clears his throat. “Hello, can I help you?”

Blue eyes turn to look at him and he swallows. He’s never seen a colour that intense. “No, thank you. Unless you can tell me which window belongs to the offices of Professor Crowley and Professor Ketch, respectively.”

That’s easy enough, since Dean is close friends with one of them and avoids the other at all costs.

“Crowley? Yeah, he’s the second to the right… Ketch is right at the end of the same floor.”

“Thank you. You have been a great help.”

Dean can’t help it. He clears his throat. “Just in case you’re observing them ‘cause a crime has been committed… Crowley only looks scary, but he wouldn’t harm a fly. And they can’t be working together, because he hates Ketch – everyone does. That only leaves Ketch as the perpetrator.”

He’s studying Dean, a curious expression on his face. Eventually he says, “thank you, Professor Winchester. I will remember that.”

Only in the safety of his office does Dean realize he never told him his name.

He and Crowley meet up for lunch, as they usually do.

“What’s the matter, Squirrel” the other professor eventually drawls, “You look like something the cat dragged in.”

He sighs. “I kind of feel like I blew my shot with someone really hot, but at the same time I should probably stay away anyone because it kind of seemed like he was bad news?”

Crowley has long known he’s bi (and anyway, he’s not the one to judge), so he just raises an eyebrow. “Please tell me it’s not Ketch.”

“Are you kidding me, did you see his tie today? So utterly tacky.”

“Agreed.”

“So that’s my sob story, what’s yours?” Naturally, Dean has noticed that his friend is jumpy, although he doubts most people would.

By now, Crowley knows better than to lie to him. “I feel like someone is following me and i can’t prove it.”

Since the guy once woke him up at night with a phone call claiming a student had put a hit on him and was right, Dean takes it seriously. “For what it’s worth, hot guy I am talking about was staring at you and Ketch’s windows.”

“Ah, that explains it. Thank you, Dean.”

And because it’s Crowley, he actually relaxes at the news.

* * *

Hot weird guy is still staring at the building when Dean leaves his office. “Hey there.”

He blinks. “Professor Winchester.”

“Trust me when I say Ketch is bad news. Ten bucks say he did it.”

“I’m not allowed to bet in the line of duty, Professor Winchester” he replies, smiling slightly, “But thank you again for your opinion.”

Dean hurries away, telling himself that his heart isn’t beating faster than normally.

This goes on for the next two weeks.

* * *

“Here we are again. How’s the observation going?”

“Rather well, but please don’t talk so loudly about it, Professor Winchester.”

“It’s Dean.”

“Hello, Dean.”

He laughs at that.

* * *

“Here, I thought I’d get you coffee while I was indulging my own habit.”

“That’s very nice of you, Dean.”

“Don’t worry about it, Watchman.”

“I don’t understand that reference.”

* * *

“Crowley’s not giving you any trouble, is he? I can talk to him if you want.”

“It’s been brought to my attention that you spend quite a lot of time together.”

“He’s good company.” Dean winks. “Not that I mind yours.”

“I find your company rather pleasant as well, Dean.”

* * *

The raid comes unexpectedly. One minute, everything’s fine, the next, the FBI has blocked all access to uni, and then Ketch is brought out in handcuffs.

“Wait” Dean says when Crowley tells him, “How much did he embezzle?”

“You hear me right.”

Dean whistles. “Clever bastard.”

“Not so clever. If I tried, no one would ever know money was even missing.”

He rolls his eyes, even as he connects the dots and realizes this means he won’t see Hot Weird Guy again.

But just as he’s contemplating that, Crowley’s expression turns smug and someone clears their throat behind him.

He turns to find Hot Weird Guy. “Ahm, hello?”

He smiles – a real smile this time, one that reaches his eyes. “It seems you were right, Dean.”

“Yeah, I’m in the habit of doing that.”

His smile grows brighter and Dean is entirely lost for words.

“Thank God, and I was wondering whether I have to intervene.”

Later, Dean will wonder what exactly Crowley means by that.

“So, are you asking Squirrel out, or – “

“Crowley!”

“That’s in fact my intention.”

Their eyes meet again and nothing else matters anymore.

* * *

A year later

“Oh no. Please tell me Bela isn’t embezzling money.”

“She isn’t. As far as I can tell, Mr. Ketch’s successor is highly confident and dedicated to her job.”

“Glad to hear it. Why are you standing in my way again, then?”

Cas draws him into a kiss. “Happy Anniversary.”


	91. Hiding Away

Contrary to popular belief, Dean Winchester is not an extrovert, and as a matter of fact, he grew out of loud parties involving too much alcohol in his twenties.

Burt Charlie wanted to go to Balthazar’s thirty-eighth (“You know me darling, on good days I only admit thirty-two!”) birthday party, so here Dean is, being the responsible friend that he is and playing nice.

Well, having run off and hidden in Balthazar’s library, but it still counts.

Once upon a time, he would have searched for a one night stand; but since he has not only grown out of the need to get drunk to forget his problems, but also the desire to fill the empty void his parents left in his life with brief companionship, he prefers to sit in a corner with a good book.

And after all, he’s got to work tomorrow. Trust Balthazar to celebrate his birthday during the week.

At least the restaurant knew what it had in him, so it shouldn’t be too much of a problem if he happened to run a little late.

He’s just started re-reading Breakfast of champions when the door opens and someone Dean has never seen before steps in.

That i9n itself doesn’t mean anything; Balthazar knows basically everyone, so naturally Dean always meets someone knew whenever he throws a party; but this guy he would definitely have liked to meet sooner.

For one, he is decidedly hot.

“Oh, I’m sorry” he says, “I thought this room would be empty. I was just trying to…” he trails off.

“Escape?” Dean suggests. “Same here. I’m sitting here reading Vonnegut so Balthazar can’t drag me into a drinking game.”

“That would be rather dangerous.”

“You’ve known him for a while, then?” Dean asks.

“Since we were children. We’re cousins.”

Dean frowns. “Sorry, from, which part of the family do you come from? I just know there are a ton.”

He laughs. “The Novals. Castiel Novak.”

“Dean Winchester” he says, getting up and shaking his hand. “So, what do you say – want to read together?” He winks.

Castiel blushes. “I would very much appreciate that, yes.”

But despite that, they still end up talking for most of the night. Dean tells him about becoming a chef and how much he loves his job; in turn, Castiel – soon enough content with being called Cas – reveals that he’s quite the introvert and that this is one of the few parties Balthazar has ever succeeded in dragging him to. Despite his shyness, he’s a teacher because he considers it very important to help young minds to learn.

As if he couldn’t get any hotter than he already is.

Before the night is out, they are talking like old friends, and Dean is wondering how best to ask for his number when Cas suddenly says, “Balthazar will be disappointed.”

“How?”

“He told me there was someone he wanted me to meet, someone I’d really like, but I didn’t feel like it so I…”

“Decided to go find a book” Deans smirks. “Yeah, Charlie was strangely adamant I might meet someone here too. And guess what? I found someone I really like.”

“Oh?” Cas eyes are sparkling.

“Yeah. And I think if they are amenable, I might kiss them tonight.”

“And what would they have to do that you would?”

“Well, telling me they’d want me to would probably do the trick.”

Cas leans forward and kisses him. “I really want you to” he mumbles against Dean’s lips.

* * *

It’s been a while since he’s seen Cassie, Balthazar suddenly realizes. He probably fled to where he always does – the library, his home away from home.

He excuses himself and goes to check up on him. Whether he wants to join the party or not, he should at least ask if Cas wants something to eat.

And where did Dean vanish to, exactly? He made Charlie ask him to come here just so could introduce him to his cousin! They’d be a match made in heaven! And instead, where are they?”

He learns exactly where they are when he opens the door of the library. “Hey Cassie did you hide –“ He stops talking.

Dean and Cas, who two seconds ago were busy making out against a bookshelf like horny teenagers, separate, neither of them catching his eyes.

Balthazar grins like the cat that got the cream. “That saves me an introduction. Have fun, boys! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

With that he leaves them to talk books or whatever else they want to get up to.

Mission accomplished.

* * *

**Three years later**

“Really, guys?” Balthazar asks, stepping into his library once more. “I lend you my house for your engagement part and this is what you do?”

“What can I say?” Dean asks, lifting Cas’ hand up and kissing his engagement ring. “We’re sentimental."


End file.
